X-MEN: THE LAST STAND (2006, Brett Ratner)

 

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Three groups squabble over a cure for mutation: the X-Men; other mutants who are bad and so not part of the X-Men; and some nefarious non-mutants (AKA humans).

Starring  Hugh Jackman, Halle Berry, Ian McKellen, Patrick Stewart, Anna Paquin, Kelsey Grammar

Written by  Simon Kinberg, Zak Penn

Produced by  Lauren Shuler Donner, Ralph Winter, Avi Arad

Duration  104 minutes

Quiz time! What do these films all have in common?

FROM RUSSIA WITH LOVE, NEVER SAY NEVER AGAIN, ANT-MAN AND THE WASP, STAR TREK II: THE WRATH OF KHAN, ALI G INDAHOUSE, TOY STORY 2, TOY STORY 3 and X-MEN: THE LAST STAND. 

Answer: they all start with a ‘fake-action prologue’, where we’re supposed to believe that our characters are in peril, but it turns out they were safe all along. This is not to be confused with beginning the movie in medias res, like all the other Bonds and the Indiana Jones series, where our hero is in the middle of an adventure that is not part of this film’s story, but is nevertheless a real incident with actual stakes.

Usually these fake-outs are a dream or a flashback or some kind of simulation/training. It’s the third example that (eventually) accounts for the opening of X-MEN: THE LAST STAND, and while up until now I’ve only ever found this trope to be mildly irritating, something about how director Brett Ratner starts THE LAST STAND (not to be confused with THE LAST STAND) really got on my nerves.

I think it’s because the man can’t decide on an opening so instead gives us three in a row, kind of like the opposite of the protracted endings in that final LORD OF THE RINGS film.

First, we have some kind of Jean Grey origin story flashback ("20 years earlier"), featuring Patrick Stewart and Ian McKellen with creepy mid-noughties uncanny valley GCI de-aging, where Ratner at least gets the tedious contractually-obliged Stan Lee cameo out the way early doors.

Then, there's another flashback ("10 years earlier") to a father walking in on his son cutting off his nascent wings in the bathroom, a boy who will grow up to become Ben Foster’s mutant Angel.

Then, following the credits, we have the actual opening ("In the not-too-distant future"), where Wolverine, Storm, Rogue et al are fighting some giant robot thing in a post-apocalyptic wasteland/studio backlot, which – yes – turns out to be a Star Trek holodeck-style setup. Wolverine defeats the enemy all by himself, going against Storm’s insistence that "we work as a team". Then as they walk out, Halle Berry delivers more lines like "You can't just change the rules when you feel like it!" and "This isn't a game!", all the time wondering if she has to start wearing her fucking Oscar on a chain around her neck to get sent any decent scripts.

And the rest of the film?

Well, Bill Duke turns up in a DR STRANGELOVE-style war room among other important-looking bureaucrats. Kelsey Grammer makes sure he hits all his cues so he has to spend as little time in the blue make-up chair as possible. Ratner gives Anthony Heald a cameo as ‘FBI Mystique Interrogator’ in a nod to his own RED DRAGON (bad idea) or possibly THE SILENCE OF THE LAMBS (bad idea – but for the opposite reason).

Vinnie Jones reminds us that he was once a thing; Elliot Page is still Ellen Page; Famke Janssen is angrier and more sexed-up than usual; James Marsden is barely in it; R Lee Ermey does his drill sergeant thing but sadly only off screen; Harper’s boss from TV's Industry is one of the bad mutants and also apparently a hedgehog; and all in all the whole mess puts the viewer in the unusual position of pining for Bryan Singer.

Two stars out of five.

Valid use of the word ‘last’?  No, they went on to make loads more X-MEN movies, with no doubt many more to come long into the future until we’re all old and dead and mouldy in the ground.

What would a movie called X-MEN: THE FIRST STAND be about?  I’d have to look into the history of the source comic books, which is never going to happen.

Previously:  THE LAST SAMURAI 

Next time:  LAST HOLIDAY

Check out my books:  Jonathanlastauthor.com

THE LAST BOY SCOUT (1991, Tony Scott)

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A disgraced former secret service agent turned private eye teams up with an ex-American football player (also disgraced) to uncover a conspiracy within the sport.

Starring  Bruce Willis, Damon Wayans, Taylor Negron, Danielle Harris, Halle Berry, Bruce McGill

Written by  Shane Black

Produced by  Joel Silver, Michael Levy

Duration  105 minutes

There are certain points in history when the planets align, 2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY-style, heralding another evolutionary step for the human race. And so it came to pass, as the 20th Century entered its final decade, that celestial bodies rearranged themselves in the heavens named Bruce Willis, Tony Scott, Joel Silver and Shane Black.

And what was this Star Child hence birthed among the cosmos? It was the one thus christened THE LAST BOY SCOUT. 

Willis, Scott, Silver, Black … it’s a roll-call of names that graced the credits of innumerable ’80s and ’90s action classics. Not since SCARFACE (Pacino, De Palma, Bergman, Stone) or TOTAL RECALL (Schwarzenegger, Verhoeven, Vajna & Kassar, O'Bannon) had so many titans collaborated to create such an opus of thrilling big-screen mayhem.

Did they pull it off? Pretty much, even if by all accounts no one had a great time during the forging of this cinematic Excalibur. With so many egos among the principles tensions ran high, and that included the headline-grabbingly highly paid screenwriter. And after somehow making it to the end of production, legendary editors Stuart Baird (THE OMEN, SUPERMAN, DEMOLITION MAN) and Mark Goldblatt (THE TERMINATOR, COMMANDO, PREDATOR 2) had to be brought in to clean up a mess that director Scott was thoroughly sick of by then.

Fortunately, all the behind-the-scenes friction seemed to give the project a jagged energy that serves the material well. And out of all the competing voices, it really is Black’s that comes through the loudest – and a lowly writer making such an impression was no doubt met with resentment by the alpha male actor, director and producer.

There’s always a point in a Shane Black movie where he goes too far. In LETHAL WEAPON, it’s Riggs’ disgust at the suggestion that two females may have been entwined sexually. In THE LONG KISS GOODNIGHT, it’s Craig Bierko threatening to ‘blind the kid and shoot out her knees’ minutes after finding out that said kid is his own daughter. THE NICE GUYS has a pre-teen asking Ryan Gosling if he wants to see his penis, whereas THE PREDATOR’S nadir came whenever Black decided that someone having Tourette's Syndrome is a never-ending well of comedy.

In THE LAST BOY SCOUT, it feels like the whole movie is that ‘too far’ point, although Willis holding a gun to his daughter’s head to persuade a stranger to hand over his car keys is probably the standout. (Along with Christmas, which features only briefly this time around courtesy of a ‘Satan Claws’ illustration, Black’s main calling card is throwing kids into violent situations – he even does it in IRON MAN 3.)

Here’s an early exchange between Willis and Wayans that captures the movie’s tone:

Wayans: "Hey, man, you ever play ball? You've got a good build."

Willis: "What are you, a fag?"

Wayans: "No, I'm just trying to break the ice."

Willis: "I like ice. Leave it the fuck alone."

Around the time of SIN CITY’s release, that film’s co-director Frank Miller described Bruce Willis as "this generation’s Humphrey Bogart". That would make THE LAST BOY SCOUT Willis’s MALTESE FALCON or THE BIG SLEEP (note how private detective-nut Black pays tribute to a non-Bogart Marlowe adaptation, THE LONG GOODBYE, in the title of one his other scripts). I concur with Miller’s observation, although I don’t remember Bogie ever being introduced waking up hungover in his car with a dead squirrel for company and then worrying about whether he had "fucked it to death".

This is a bleak film, where everyone is angry, washed-up, bitter, and horrible to one another. It takes self-loathing to a new high/low – the first words Willis utters are to his own frazzled reflection in the rear-view mirror, having thrown his fuzzy bunkmate out the window: "Nobody likes you. Everybody hates you. You’re gonna lose. Smile, you fuck". Wayans doesn’t fare much better, playing a once-promising athlete thrown out of the sport he loves for habitual drug use. It’s the murder of his girlfriend Halle Berry (who is, of course, a stripper and who seems to be test driving the silver hairdo she would later sport in X-MEN) that throws our heroes together, when she hires Willis as a bodyguard because she (rightly) fears for her life after finding out about some kind of shady conspiracy to legalise American football gambling, or something like that.

Yeah, the plot is never that important in a Shane Black movie; I’d defy anyone to remember LETHAL WEAPON’s actual story and that’s one we’ve all seen, often several times. These films are all about the bantering mismatched buddies, the quips and, of course, the action. Judged on those terms, THE LAST BOY SCOUT earns its merit badge.

Four stars out of five.

Valid use of the word ‘last’?  Though not literal, the title’s wry cynicism is in tune with the rest of the film and so works in context.

What would a movie called THE FIRST BOY SCOUT be about?  There doesn’t appear to be a biopic of Robert Baden-Powell out there, so let me just consult my rolodex for the contact details of a Mr J Silver, Hollywood, California …

Next time:  GOON: LAST OF THE ENFORCERS

Check out my books:  Jonathanlastauthor.com