I'LL ALWAYS KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER (2006, Sylvain White)

 

* 

Someone learns about something bad that a different someone did 12 months prior.  

Starring  Brooke Nevin, David Paetkau, Torrey DeVitto, Ben Easter, Don Shanks

Written by  Michael D Weiss

Produced by  Neal H Moritz, Erik Feig, Nancy Kirhoffer, Amanda Lewis

Duration  92 minutes   

 

Years ago, I worked with someone who confessed to always reading the last page of a book first.

"Why?" I asked her, incredulous. 

"Because I can't stand the suspense, I have to know how it ends," came the reply.

This struck me as plainly ridiculous. Not that there would have been any point me arguing with her – in the words of Bobby Brown, that was her prerogative. But certainly it's not something I would ever do myself.

(Although I did once watch a fan edit of PULP FICTION where the scenes had been reordered chronologically. It wasn't as good.)

Here's the thing. One of the least-heralded but most-important aspects of writing is structure. I'm not necessarily talking about nonlinear narratives, or MEMENTO-style trickery. More like, in what order does the audience learn things? Are certain events shown or not shown? How long do we linger over particular incidents? Stuff like that.

The writer (or, since this is now film we're talking about, writers plural) must make these decisions. They make them to serve the story and what they want the impact on the viewer to be. They've chosen to arranged things this way, out of the millions of other possible alternatives; that's their prerogative, their right as an artist.

So, messing around with the structure is kind of disrespectful, in my opinion. I wonder if my ex-colleague also used to skip her DVDs ahead to the final chapter? Shudder.

When it comes to a series of films, that's a structure too. You're supposed to go original first, then any sequels. Sure, some people have come up with other orders to watch things, like with prequels/sequels rosta of the STAR WARS universe, but that's mostly kept to the realms of hardcore geekdom.

I have done it, but not usually by choice. ALIENS and TERMINATOR 2 were both considered to be less intense than their predecessors, so as a youngster I was allowed to watch them years before the originals. And the first HALLOWEEN I saw, round a friend's house, was the controversially Michael Myers-free third one, SEASON OF THE WITCH. And I didn't even realise at the time that it wasn't the first film, so for years I was one of the rare people who didn't associate the franchise with its famous bogeyman.

So, on viewing I'LL ALWAYS KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER, I tried to imagine I'd watched this film first. If so, would I have gone back and sought out the earlier ones? And to what extent does this reference those films? The answers are 'no' and 'slavishly', respectively. Or, as you'll see if you read on, I should probably say disrespectfully.

We begin in a carnival, like the start of another slasher threequal, FINAL DESTINATION 3, following the predicable gaggle of teenagers. Soon it's all:

"Have you guys heard of the Fisherman? Every fourth of July he gets out his hat and slicker, he sharpens up his hook and runs wild. But only on teenagers, ones with dirty little secrets."

"So he's like Santa in reverse? He goes after the naughty kids?"

In the slasher tradition of THE BURNING, PROM NIGHT, THE HOUSE ON SORORITY ROW, et al, it's a prank gone wrong that prompts the later killings. Our bland teens want to exploit the Fisherman legend by faking one of their friends receiving death by hook. But it goes wrong and he dies for real, and they make a pact to keep it to themselves.

We jump to next summer and our thinly sketched youths are feeling guilty about their dead buddy, especially lead/final girl Amber. Then everyone starts getting those ominous 'I know' messages, and before you can say 'mind your own business, mate' we get: a succession of kills and near-kills; Fisherman sightings and non-sightings; guilt and defiance. Rinse, repeat.

The cast is populated with unknowns, kids who were at the same auditions as those who made it onto shows like One Tree Hill and The OC, but who had to then watch on jealously as their peers achieved stardom while they instead popped up in things like I'LL ALWAYS KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER.

Clearly, the third entry in this almost-franchise isn't a direct follow up. Parts one and two had the connecting tissue of Jennifer Love Hewitt and were released fewer than 12 months apart. No JLC here, and nearly a decade has passed this time.

But I also can't help wondering: when is a sequel really a remake? Because when you get something like this, where it seems like they just dug out the original script and gave it a rewrite, how can you say it is actually a continuation? Yes, the characters are different and so is the location and some details. But that often happens in remakes, too.  They did add a supernatural element this time – but so what? The fact is, we still have the same basic structure and plot beats.

It's like they took a house, stripped off all the wallpaper and threw out the furniture and then redecorated. Except, they used lazy college kids to do the work and went to the local skip for supplies. And in terms of films that blur the line between sequel and remake, this does the opposite of going from EL MARIACHI to DESPERADO or when they redid THE EVIL DEAD as EVIL DEAD II: lower budget, fewer stars, less imagination and flair and filmmaking confidence.

There is a lot of what used to be called MTV-editing, now sometimes labelled 'Avid farts', an expression credited to online critic Outlaw Vern, Avid being the industry-standard editing software. It's not just cutting often to leave micro-short shot lengths, it's also adding white flashes and 'woosh' sounds to manufacture some excitement. Usually without success.

OK, to be fair, there was one sequence in I'LL ALWAYS KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER that impressed me. Not really the execution, but the concept. One of our teens, the blond not-Ryan Philippe one, is swimming alone at night. The Fisherman turns up, as is standard, and immediately hooks our boy’s ankle while he's trying to splash away. So, it’s like the Fisherman is actually going fishing!

I'd also like to think that the character name 'Amber Williams' is a tribute to the EVIL DEAD series’ Ash Williams, played by Bruce Campbell.

The only thing I can genuinely recommend I'LL ALWAYS KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER for is a drinking game. Do a shot any time someone denies the existence of the killer or you hear the words 'I know'; whenever the edit lets out an Avid fart, down your drink. After about 10 minutes, you won't know who knows what about anything anymore.

One star out of five.

Valid use of the word ‘last’?  God, please, please.

What would a movie called I'LL ALWAYS KNOW WHAT YOU DID FIRST SUMMER be about?  I’m sorry, I can’t. I just … I just can’t get my head around it. Sorry.

 

Previously:  THE LAST MOVIE

Next time:  LAST THREE DAYS

 

Check out my books:  Jonathanlastauthor.com

THE LAST EXORCISM: PART II (2013, Ed Gass-Donnelly)

 

* * 

Looks like they lied about it being all over, exorcism fans.

Starring  Ashley Bell, Julia Garner, Spencer Treat Clark, David Jensen, Tarra Riggs, Louis Herthum

Written by  Damien Chazelle, Ed Gass-Donnelly   

Produced by  Eric Newman, Eli Roth, Marc Abraham, Thomas A Bliss   

Duration  88 minutes   

 

You know, films with 'last' in their title are rarely obvious candidates for sequels. There are exceptions, but generally speaking, something described with that word does not readily beget a follow-up.

The main reason to make a sequel to a film is, of course, if it made loads of money. Then, in the words of Dr Ian Malcolm in JURASSIC PARK (six follow-ups and counting): "Life ... uh, will find a way." And that includes legacy sequels, which are just a delayed reaction to something that's been profitable in the longer term.

But let's ignore capitalism for a moment. Let's pretend all that matters is whether the story warrants being continued. Come on, we can do it.

'Last' movies do indeed seem unlikely to qualify, but they aren't the only ones. Take HIGHLANDER, for instance. "There can be only one" they told us – so, the end of the line once the only immortal left was Connor McCloud. right? But we still got HIGHLANDER II: THE QUICKENING, which took the route of being utterly nonsensical to try to get around its leaps in logic.

And I've always been pretty surprised about the existence of FRENCH CONNECTION II and STAYING ALIVE (SATURDAY NIGHT FEVER 2), coming as they did after a pair of serious and seemingly standalone films. And let's not forget THE NEVERENDING STORY, referenced in The Simpsons as a classic case of false advertising.

Then there are those movies with scenarios that are so off-the-wall, so bonkers, that it would be implausible to repeat them. Not that this stopped the green light flashing for WEEKEND AT BERNIE'S II or HOME ALONE 2 or MANNEQUIN TWO: ON THE MOVE or THE HANGOVER PART II. That last one ended up stretching to a trilogy, albeit only by taking a sharp left turn in eking out the third one.

And then there's the market for cash-ins that trade on a brand name, like AMERICAN PSYCHO 2, THE STING II or THE RAGE: CARRIE II. These usually don't even bother to pretend they're related to the original. Although in the case of KING KONG LIVES, they did decide to go for continuity. Um, wait ... but didn't the giant gorilla die? Empire State Building? Big fall?

But as far as nonsensical titles for sequels go, THE LAST EXORCISM: PART II has to take the biscuit. I mean, just look at it! Hilariously, the pseudo-pretentious use of Roman numerals makes it look like it's actually THE LAST EXORCISM: PART ELEVEN.

But LAST EXORCISM 2 is of course only following one film, not ten. And that film was a not-bad found-footagey effort, starring a bloke who was in Better Call Saul.

Patrick Fabian isn't in this one, although he is part of the opening recap. Something else that doesn't return is the mockumentary format - just like BOOK OF SHADOWS: BLAIR WITCH 2, we have here a pair of flicks where the original flirts with realism and the sequel goes for full-on movieism.

Something else LAST EXORCISM 2 does is follow the monster into the next instalment rather than the good guys, in the best Freddy Kruger, Jason Voorhees and Michael Myers tradition. I mean, if you ignore A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET 1, 3 and 7, where we stay with Nancy Thompson; FRIDAY THE 13TH 4-6, with Tommy Jarvis; and HALLOWEEN 2, 3, 7, and 8, which are led by Laurie Strode.

To be fair, 'monster' is a strong word for poor teenager Nell Sweetzer (Ashley Bell), the possessed girl from last time around. She's the protagonist now, but since that pesky demon just can't stop with its darn posessin', she's at least the bad guy by proxy. 

At the start of the film, Nell is found by the authorities, disoriented and with no memory of the climax to part one, where she was the only survivor from her entire family. She's put up in a halfway house, making friends with the other troubled girls, getting a cleaning job, awkwardly flirting with a local boy, etc. But soon enough, she's bothered again by a strange presence, something ethereal that's not done with her yet ...

This is one of those horror films that gets described as 'slow burn'. What that means here is precious few scares, little intensity and a PG-13 certificate (12A in the UK). So, it can't use any of the usual tactics to perk up our interest: gore, nudity, excessive language. Bell is likable and you feel for her plight, but she's not able to make the movie compelling all by herself.

And look, yes there is another exorcism, of sorts. But it's not the same one, therefore this isn't really 'part two', is it? I would have preferred it if part one had been just the first two acts of the story, and then they saved the actual exorcism for this film, making it one long 90-minute real-time procedure, done in a single take with no let up.

Alas.

Closing note: Damien Chazelle, the youngest winner of the Academy Award for Best Director at age 32 with LA LA LAND, is a co-writer here. He had no credits on the first film; clearly we have a case of a freelance gig early in his Hollywood career. I guess WHIPLASH was kind of a horror film, though, so this isn't too incongruous.

Two stars out of five.

Valid use of the word ‘last’?  To date, there has been no THE LAST EXORCISM: PART III. I am not holding my breath, nor my crucifix.

What would a movie called THE FIRST EXORCISM: PART II be about?  A working title for this film was the even more baffling BEGINNING OF THE END: THE LAST EXORCISM II. So, I guess, that?

Previously:  THE LAST DAYS OF DISCO

Next time:  THE LAST DAYS ON MARS

Check out my books:  Jonathanlastauthor.com

 

INSIDIOUS: THE LAST KEY (2018, Adam Robitel)

 

* * * 

Medium Elise Rainier lends her particular set of skills to another poltergeist scenario – and gets maximum trouble for her efforts.

Starring  Lin Shaye, Angus Sampson, Leigh Whannell, Spencer Locke, Caitlin Gerard, Bruce Davison

Written by  Leigh Whannell   

Produced by  Jason Blum, Oren Peli, James Wan, Leigh Whannell

Duration  104 minutes

 

Sometime in 2026 will see the release of THREAD: AN INSIDIOUS TALE, a spin-off of the INSIDIOUS film series. Meanwhile, a crossover of INSIDIOUS and SINISTER, both properties of Blumhouse Productions, has long been rumoured.

I can't help thinking that spinning-off or crossing-over (over-crossing?) has, over the years, tended to be more of a TV thing. The most famous small screen example has to be Frasier, coming from Cheers. But the tradition goes back a lot further. Happy Days, for example, birthed no less than six other shows, to varying degrees of success. Indeed, the spin-off matching the popularity of its originator is far from guaranteed: hit Friends begat dud Joey; Baywatch Nights was no Baywatch. And then of course you have all the myriad incarnations of CSI and NCIS – the latter already being a spin-off of Naval drama JAG.

Movie spin-offs used to be less common, although of course are increasingly so these days, owing to the superhero boom. 1978's SUPERMAN led (eventually) to SUPERGIRL in 1984, but the less said about that the better. More recently, FURIOSA was "a MAD MAX saga"; THIS IS 40 served as only a "sort-of sequel" to KNOCKED UP; US MARSHALLS followed the antagonist from THE FUGITIVE, rather than the hero; the CREED movies spawned off from ROCKY.

Crossovers, meanwhile, have historically tended to be Universal/Hammer horror pictures, with various monsters or monster hunters popping up in each other's films. GODZILLA and KING KONG are keeping this tradition alive today, as FREDDY VS JASON did with a two different monsters a couple of decades ago.

Meanwhile, what we have here is actually the fourth film in the 'main' INSIDIOUS series. Although, wait a sec, it's actually the second chronologically, since the third one was a prequel to the second one, and so THE LAST KEY takes place somewhere between the third and first ones. Glad we cleared that up. Hey, at least it's not as complicated as those CONJURING movies, which have so many instalments and spin-offs (the NUN films, the ANNABELLE films) that they've earned the term 'shared universe', previously only the domain of comic book movies.

Anyway, THE LAST KEY opens on a creepy prison in 1950s' New Mexico. Creepier still is a little girl, Elise, daughter of the warden – the family live in a house onsite, like caretakers in a school, or that Nazi family in THE ZONE OF INTEREST. Elise knows when someone's getting a blast from the electric chair next door, and not through the lights blinking on and off like you'd expect – early points for not using that hackneyed trope, by the way.

Her mother recognises that Elise has a gift and reassures her; pop is less open-minded, preferring the approach of beating her and locking her in the cellar. But Mom doesn't realise the extent of the girl's abilities: Elise doesn't just sense that a criminal has passed, she's actually then visited by their ghost. And boy do they love to congregate in that basement and make themselves known to the poor, terrified girl.

Such childhood trauma shapes Elise into eventually becoming seventy-something Lin Shaye – this franchise's MVP, having appeared in every instalment. Shaye is the one who can genuinely see spirits in a paranormal investigation team that also comprises two whacky, nerdy colleagues: Tucker (Angus Sampson, long hair and beard) and Specs (Leigh Whannell, wearer of specs, and also sometime INSIDIOUS director and/or writer).

When the team are summoned to Elise's old home by the current owner to deal with some demons, it's Elise who has to confront her own demons – from her past. (She also has to confront plenty of current demons, too; by which of course I mean those who are currently haunting the house in the present day.)

Now, I had seen this movie before. Also definitely the first two, and probably the third – I can't be sure, but it seems inconceivable that I would skip an entry. Anyway, I remember liking it well enough, but there's since been a fifth, THE RED DOOR, directed by early franchise star Patrick Wilson, and it hasn't crossed my radar to watch that one. I couldn't remember why I'd bowed out at this stage of the franchise, but rewatching THE LAST KEY it soon became clear.

"She's psychic; we're sidekicks," is how Tucker introduces the team to their new client, with a rehearsed delivery modelled on one of those melodramatic movie trailer voiceovers. It of course falls flat; just another zany quirk from the goofy geeks who lug around all the infrared cameras and sound equipment. They also embarrass themselves in their attempts to flirt with the local girls, exchange cringeworthy banter while studying grainy monitors in the dark, etc.

Yes, this is one of those horror movies that feels it must balance the scares with some shoe-horned in comic relief. This tends to be a huge turn-off for me: I felt that Joran Peele's universally lauded GET OUT was derailed by Daniel Kaluuya's comedy best friend's efforts to track him down. Similarly, David Gordon Green's HALLOWEEN trilogy too often undercut its tension with cheap laughs. And what do these two films have in common? Filmmakers with a background in comedy.

Director Adam Robitel doesn't have that excuse here. But, in fact, I was pleasantly surprised when watching this time to find that the film actually survives its tonal mishmash. Our pals Tucker and Specs don't manage to fatally unbalance the creepiness, and the sincere efforts of classy veteran Shaye stop it from ever wobbling completely off the tracks.

INSIDIOUS: THE LAST KEY ends up being a spooky good time. If you ever come across it on a late-night streaming browse, you could do much worse. And if I'm ever flicking through one of those same lists and coming across part five, I can see myself hitting 'OK' on the remote. Probably.

Three stars out of five. 

 

Valid use of the word ‘last’?  It’s less about a key, more a demon called ‘Keyface’. Which is scarier than it sounds. Also, the house is in Five Keys, Mexico. So I guess, technically … no?

What would a movie called THE FIRST KEY be about?  “Theodorus of Samos in the 6th century BC invented the first key, according to Pliny the Elder.” So says City Security (“The magazine to improve your security know-how”) – and who are we to disagree with them? Or, indeed, your man Pliny?

 

Previously:  THE LAST KING OF SCOTLAND

Next time:  HITLER: THE LAST TEN DAYS

Check out my books:  Jonathanlastauthor.com

I STILL KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER (1998, Danny Cannon)

 

* 

That crazy fisherman is still not dead and he still knows. So even when our heroes go to the Bahamas, he still stalks them because he still can't let go.

Starring  Jennifer Love Hewitt, Brandy, Mekhi Phifer, Freddie Prinze Jr, Bill Cobbs

Written by  Trey Callaway     

Produced by  Neal H Moritz, Erik Feig, Stokely Chaffin, William S Beasley

Duration  101 minutes   

   

 

 

Let's face it, a film like I STILL KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER has the odds stacked against it.

There's the assumption that a sequel will be rubbish. Yes, we all know the ones that turned out great and arguably better than the original, like ALIENS (agree), TERMINATOR 2 (disagree) and THE GODFATHER: PART II (too close to call). But the vast majority of follow-ups are either disappointing when compared to what came before or just plain bad.

And that anti-sequel prejudice becomes more pronounced the faster the new film arrives. I'm not talking about ones that were filmed together, like BACK TO THE FUTURE PARTS II and III or the LORD OF THE RINGS trilogy or the second and third MATRIXS – those were pre-planned. I mean the one-year gap between the first two SCREAM movies, or between all of the first eight FRIDAY THE 13THS, except parts three and four and parts six and seven (when they left a whole two years between entries). Or how the first six NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREETS span a mere seven-year period.

So, it does tend to be horror franchises that ruthlessly churn 'em out. And yes, they do mostly suffer from diminishing returns.

But before I dismiss quickie horror sequel I STILL KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER (released 13 months after the original), two other part twos come to mind, both unfairly written off in the annals of film history: GHOSTBUSTERS 2 and PREDATOR 2.

Someday, I'm going to do a scientific study. I'm going to watch GHOSTBUSTERS and GHOSTBUSTERS 2 back to back and log each time there's a good bit: a funny line, a memorable delivery, a genuine scare. Because I've watched the latter as many times as the former and I swear to God there is no drop in quality, none whatsoever. It may be a carbon copy in many ways, but before it resets to formula it does an imaginative (and hilarious) job of following through with its "five years later" premise. And with all the major players back in front of and behind the camera, they know how to make that formula enjoyable.

PREDATOR 2, meanwhile, was dismissed as a cash-in because neither Arnie or director John McTiernan returned. But what Stephen Hopkins delivered actually has a better cast (Danny Glover! Gary Busey! Bill Paxton! Maria Conchita Alonso! Ruben Blades! Robert Davi! Adam Baldwin! Steve Kahan!) and a sweaty, near-future urban milieu unique to itself. It should be terrible; it has virtually no plot and skips having a second act altogether, instead just rushing from set up to resolution without worrying about narrative development or escalation. But I love it!

Both those movies are also often referenced by unimaginative critics as a way of giving backhanded compliments to the franchise's legacy sequels, trawling out the trite observation "well, it's not great, but at least it's better than part two!" (See also: the criminally underrated INDIANA JONES AND THE TEMPLE OF DOOM.)

The LAST SUMMER series itself is now receiving the legacy sequel treatment, too. But whatever the context, I was determined to avoid making any lazy assumptions about the quality of I STILL KNOW.

Silly me.

Let's start with the good. Jennifer Love Hewitt is a solid lead (she's back for the 2025 edition, having ducked out of the DTV part three), resourceful and compelling, more than capable of shouldering a multi-entry horror franchise like her Party of Five alumni Neve Campbell has been with SCREAM. Brandy, famous for singing 'The Boy is Mine', is a charismatic addition to the I STILL KNOW cast. For a while, it's fun to play 'spot the character actor': John Hawkes, Bill Cobbs, Jeffrey Combs, Mark Boone Junior ... um, how about a dreadlocked Jack Black, overacting as usual and playing Drexel from TRUE ROMANCE as in a weak SNL sketch? And, well, the Bahamas-during-monsoon-season setting is novel for a slasher. And ... er ... Freddie Prinze Jr also returns? Yay?

Unfortunately, quirky casting and impressive location scouting are about all I STILL KNOW has going for it. 

So now onto the bad.

Its first sin is opening with a cheap fake-out opening, as JLH is attacked in a dream and wakes up having fallen asleep in her college class. From this inauspicious start, things never pick up. There is no suspense. There is no sense of dread. The jump scares barely elicit a tremor. And there are no decent kills – well, unless you count Jack Black’s, but only because it's satisfying to see him go. And Mekhi Phifer and Matthew Settle are saddled with the thankless roles of 'horny, insensitive jock' and 'no personality beyond wishing he was Freddie Prinze Jr', doing no one any favours. I spent most of the movie idly wondering how many of the poor cast came down with hypothermia due to every scene taking place in the pouring rain.

Plus, serious minus points for forcing a horrible alt-rock cover of New Order's 'Blue Monday' upon us during a cheesy 90's clubbing scene, following the original movie's butchering of ‘Summer Breeze’ by Seals & Crofts. Much more painful than anything a hook-handed grudge-bearing homicidal maniac could dole out.

Alright, alright. So sometimes our negative assumptions about movies do turn out to be correct. But hey – every now and then we're pleasantly surprised and get possessed bathtubs, sentient paintings and rivers of slime; or an alien hunter administering self-surgery in an elderly lady's bathroom while she hesitates outside brandishing a broom. A little misplaced optimism's gotta be worth the chance of getting that kind of stuff, hasn't it?

Next time you want a franchise sequel set in the Bahamas, go for JAWS: THE REVENGE. (Note: JAWS: THE REVENGE is a little underrated, but this is not a recommendation.) 

One star out of five.

Additional: There used to be a trend for naming sequels with 'too' instead of '2', to imply 'as well'. SPLASH TOO, TEEN WOLF TOO, LOOK WHO'S TALKING TOO... so why didn't they do that here to both stop the title being chronological gibberish? I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER TOO sounds like a much better movie, maybe one that could have mixed things up by introducing a new villain.

Valid use of the word ‘last’?  JLH actually points out the inaccuracy herself by explaining how "two summers ago, we (etc etc)". Poor show, whoever signed off on that title, I'm telling you.

What would a movie called I STILL KNOW WHAT YOU DID FIRST SUMMER be about?  Excessive pride about having such a good memory for early-years details.

Previously:  LAST EXIT TO BROOKLYN

Next time:  THE LAST TREE

Check out my books:  Jonathanlastauthor.com

WRONG TURN 6: LAST RESORT (2014, Valeri Milev)

 

* * 

A young man inherits a luxury spa in Bulgaria ... I mean, in the rural US somewhere. But upon visiting it with his party-animal friends, he finds trouble worse than your standard probate dispute.

Starring  Anthony Ilott, Chris Jarvis, Aqueela Zoll, Sadie Katz, Roxanne Carrion

Written by  Frank H Woodward  

Produced by  Jeffery Beach, Phillip Roth  

Duration  91 minutes   

   

By the time a film series reaches its sixth entry, the avid franchise-follower can observe certain trends.

Here's one. When that fifth sequel roles around, the saga in question has often got to the point where it wants to comment on itself. FRIDAY THE 13TH PART VI: JASON LIVES, for instance, is a pre-SCREAM commentary on the slasher genre, including making a point out of its series-first move of having actual children at the summer camp. ON HER MAJESTY’S SECRET SERVICE, meanwhile, was the first non-Connery Bond and has one-and-done George Lazenby quip, "This never happened to the other fellow."

Elsewhere, FREDDY’S DEAD: THE FINAL NIGHTMARE includes a Kruger childhood flashback and cameo from Johnny Depp, who made his debut in the original film. More recently, ROCKY BALBOA saw the Italian Stallion reflecting on his legacy, visiting Adrian’s grave, wearing a garish maroon suit jacket while running a pizza restaurant, etc.

Sometimes (OK, usually), the sixth film is considered to be terrible. There's little love out there for HALLOWEEN: THE CURSE OF MICHAEL MYERS or POLICE ACADEMY 6: CITY UNDER SIEGE. On the other hand, STAR TREK VI: THE UNDISCOVERED COUNTRY is a prime example of the ‘even ones good, odd ones bad’ trend for Trek movies (although, hey – I like THE SEARCH FOR SPOCK!). And FAST & FURIOUS 6 is seen as a high watermark, the point where the car saga got comfortable with its international-heisting identity before reaching later levels of space-faring lunacy.

Something else that is likely to happen once a series lurches on this far is that it reboots itself. The WRONG TURN franchise began in 2003 as an out-of-townies-fall-afoul-of-hillbillies shocker, starring former child star Elisha Dushku (TRUE LIES, TV’s Buffy the Vampire Slayer). I’ve seen the original, and remember liking it just fine, although not enough to check out any of its sequels.

It's actually the next and seventh entry of this franchise that was the reboot. This could easily be a sign that part six was so bad that they felt compelled to hit the reset button. But, as ever, I tried to go in with as few expectations as possible. 

On reading this film's subtitle, my first hope was that it would be about wood-dwelling mutant maniacs descending upon a luxury holiday resort, kind of like zombie video game Dead Island. No such luck, sadly, but I must nevertheless admit that WRONG TURN 6 isn’t all that bad ... considering.

We begin with an attractive couple stripping off at a hot spring in the middle of the forest. But it's not just the squirrels and rabbits that are getting a free peep show. Sure enough, we glimpse some of the WRONG TURN movies' signature, um, 'differently appearanced' woods-dwellers, spying among the trees. Soon enough they're shooting arrows through eyeballs and decapitating with barbed wire.

The actual plot, such as it is (which has nothing at all to do with the unfortunate couple from the opening), concerns a young chap who has inherited a big stately home/spa resort from relatives he never knew he had. He's come to check it out for the weekend with his spliff-toking, beer-chugging pals, as well as his girlfriend. It's run by a creepily incestuous brother and sister (I think they’re his cousins?) and his arrival seems to have attracted the attention of the local, er, 'interesting-looking' individuals from that opening sequence, who, it turns out, are in league with the inappropriately familiar siblings. None of them take kindly to the intrusion of outsiders. Uh-oh. Hide the barbed wire.

You don't need me to tell you that this is not a great movie. But more to the point, is it a passable slasher – a genre that I'm partial to, or at least sympathetic towards? Broadly, yes. The kills are all pretty satisfying, and the occasional bursts of violence and nudity do tend to pull one's attention back from scrolling the phone screen. That's about it, but WRONG TURN 6 does manage to clear this admittedly very low bar.

The acting is poor; as you'd expect. The dialogue is unnatural and stilted; that goes with the territory. But what I noticed the most were two things. Firstly, the editing was somehow off: shots cut too soon or too late, resulting in a disorientating sense of space and a jagged rhythm. It didn't seem to be a stylistic choice, unless the style they were going for was 'incompetent'.

Secondly, the accents were equally all over the place. Now, it’s set in America but, like a lot of movies these days (300: RISE OF AN EMPIRE, THE EXPENDABLES, RAMBO: LAST BLOOD, etc) it was shot in Bulgaria to save a few quid … or, um, to make use of the picturesque landscape? More unusual in the case of WRONG TURN 6 is that the director is also Bulgarian: Valeri Milev, of RE-KILL and BULLETS OF JUSTICE ‘fame’. So this time, they probably saved on location scouting, as well.

And possibly casting, too? I can't be sure how many Bulgarians are in the cast, but someone who was definitely putting on a Yank accent, and who I certainly didn't expect to see, was British Roxanne Carrion (née Pallett), former Jo Stile (née Sugden) in soap opera Emmerdale. (Actually, she was in LAKE PLACID 3, so maybe I shouldn't have been surprised to see her turn up.) Carrion is subject to one of WRONG TURN 6’s more gruesome and unpleasant deaths, combining (more) voyeuristic sex, ancient monuments and having her legs ripped from their sockets by robe-wearing pseudo-monks. That never happened on an average night down The Woolpack pub.

Put it this way: WRONG TURN 6 is so-so: definitely more of a CHILDREN OF THE CORN 666: ISAAC'S RETURN than a MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE – FALLOUT. Nuff said.

Two stars out of five.

Valid use of the word ‘last’?  Well, I guess our man isn’t likely to inherit any additional resorts. Although he could always open up a franchise.

What would a movie called WRONG TURN 6: FIRST RESORT be about?  In a situation where you’re surrounded by murderous, arrow-happy cannibals, the first resort is usually to get the fuck out of there. Which, keeping to slasher traditions, many people in this movie plan to do but don’t ever manage.

Previously:  LAST CHRISTMAS

Next time:  THE LAST SONG  

Check out my books:  Jonathanlastauthor.com

THE TOXIC AVENGER PART III: THE LAST TEMPTATION OF TOXIE (1989, Lloyd Kaufman, Michael Herz)

 

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New Jersey-based superhero Toxie gets a day job to pay for his blind girlfriend’s eye-surgery. Unfortunately, his boss turns out to be the Devil and, worse still, Toxie becomes a yuppie.

Starring  Ron Fazio, Phoebe Legere, John Altamura, Rick Collins, Lisa Gaye

Written by  Lloyd Kaufman, Michael Herz

Produced by  Lloyd Kaufman, Michael Herz

Duration  102 minutes  

   

I’m a completist. When it comes to films, I want to see them all. Not all all – I wish! No, I’m talking about completing a set.

A film series is, I would say, a quite common completism goal. All the Bonds; all the Marvels (shudder); all the wars that take place among the stars. And doing an actor could still be considered a sane and reasonable pursuit.

What I’m talking about here is the next level: directors.

Now, some have been easy for me to tick off, owing to their limited output. James Cameron has only just reached nine with that Avatar sequel, with (shudder again) more of those things in the pipeline. Kubrick did a still-low 13, including that early, terrible one, FEAR AND DESIRE. Hitchcock was much more prolific; I didn’t count his hard-to-find early British ones, including the silent-era, and started instead at THE MAN WHO KNEW TOO MUCH (1934), which still meant a count of 37.

Elsewhere, some directors have been easy to chalk off film by film, since they only got going in the '90s: David O Russell, Darren Aronofsky, Paul Thomas Anderson, Danny Boyle, Tarantino. Some of the older ones I've kept up to date with while also exploring their back catalogues: Scorsese, Cronenberg, Carpenter. Certain directors who had seemed retired can surprise you with a new picture out of nowhere, like Adrian Lyne with DEEP WATER or Michael Mann's FERRARI (I haven't yet braved Francis Coppola's MEGALOPOLIS). A couple of definitely out-of-commission veterans who I’d really love to complete, but whose mammoth outputs intimidate me, are Robert Altman (35 films) and Sidney Lumet (41).

One name I’ve never been tempted to add to my list of completed directors is Lloyd Kaufman’s. To do so would mean watching the majority of Troma’s output, the studio he co-founded with Michael Hertz. Not something I would recommend to anyone, if you want to remain in possession of your marbles.

If you’ve never heard of Troma, here is a sample of their titles: SURF NAZIS MUST DIE; FORTRESS OF AMERIKKKA; BLOODBATH IN PSYCHO TOWN; VIEWER DISCRETION ADVISED; CLASS OF NUKE ‘EM HIGH; DUMPSTER BABY; A NYMPHOID BARBARIAN IN DINOSAUR HELL. Troma specialises in shock (or 'schlock'); in pushing the boundaries of taste when it comes to sex, violence, gore, targeting minorities and poking at sensitive topics.

Here's the problem: when a movie thinks that it's great but is actually terrible, it can achieve a fascinating level of outsider art and be enjoyed in a so-bad-it’s-good manner. Think THE ROOM or TROLL 2. If a work is intentionally terrible, it’s usually painfully self-conscious, desperate to please and difficult to watch – in other words, anti-entertainment. Troma doesn’t push boundaries to make any kind of artistic point. Kaufman and his cronies just want to see what they can get away with. Most of the time the result is mind-numbingly dull.

But on rare occasions, Troma shits out a diamond. TROMEO AND JULIET is one, a spirited and anarchic take on the material that benefits from a script by future CEO of DC Studios James Gunn – as well as by being a loose adaptation of, you know, William Shakespeare. 

And another jewel in Troma's crown is THE TOXIC AVENGER (1984).

An introduction to future Troma mascot ‘Toxie’ (later transposed to kid-friendly cartoon The Toxic Crusaders), the movie applies Troma’s sensibility to something that actually works – in a lowest-common-denominator kind of way. It’s essentially a superhero origin story, in which put-upon health club janitor Melvin falls into an open barrel of toxic waste following a prank gone wrong, which mutates him into a mop-wielding, hyper-violent version of Sloth from THE GOONIES. Rather than return to cleaning toilets and wiping sweat from pull-down bars, Melvin/Toxie instead starts fighting crime and corruption in his hometown of Tromaville, New Jersey.

One of my friends used to own THE TOXIC AVENGER on VHS and it was regular viewing for a gang of us over beers and pizza. A recent rewatch confirmed that the movie still holds up today, and when I noticed that part three qualifies for this blog, I decided to dive into the whole series.

And the sequels start promisingly with THE TOXIC AVENGER: PART II. In it, Toxie travels to Japan to search for his father, only to find when he returns to Jersey that he was tricked into this quest by the nefarious Apocalypse Inc, a chemical company/crime syndicate who have now overrun Tromaville. Offensive Asian stereotypes notwithstanding, TOXIE II is quite fun.

The same, however, can’t be said about number three here, THE LAST TEMPTATION. It’s a film that literally shouldn't exist, being that it was cobbled together from unused TOXIE II footage when Kaufman wanted to make a quick sale to foreign investors (there’s that artistic integrity again). 

Meandering, laugh-free and surprisingly tame, TOXIE III is as lazy as you would expect for a project that grinds through the minutes with the sole purpose of simply existing. It's not dissimilar to those sequels that are green-lighted purely to retain IP, such as HELLRAISER: REVELATIONS or that FANTASTIC FOUR from 1994 (recipient of the greatest trailer ever). The movie really doesn't warrant any further scrutiny.

I am glad, however, that I hung in there for part four (subtitle: CITIZEN TOXIE), as it's a definite upturn. The film counters the timidity of LAST TEMPTATION with a tastelessness that is almost admirable, including the series’s most gloriously OTT fight scene during its hospital-set third act. For the denouement, Toxie’s girlfriend gives birth to twins, one good one evil, who we just saw fighting in her womb MORTAL KOMBAT-style. TOXIE IV actually comes close to recapturing the hell-for-leather charm of the original.

So yes, I am now a TOXIC AVENGER completist; one step closer to a worthwhile existence, I'm sure you'll agree. Or at least I will be, once the remake is out: it still doesn't have a release date, despite debuting at Spain's Stiges Film Festival in October 2023.

One star out of five.

Valid use of the word ‘last’?  Nope. But as I say, despite starring Peter Dinklage (as Toxie), Jacob Tremblay and Kevin Bacon, the remake is currently caught in some kind of distribution limbo.

What would a movie called THE FIRST TEMPTATION OF TOXIE be about?  That's actually a pretty accurate description of the original film. Its catalytic event was poor Melvin being subjected to an insincere promise of sex from a duplicitous gym bunny, which inadvertently led to the whole toxic-waste-mutation situation.

Previously:  THE LAST AMERICAN VIRGIN

Next time:  AND WHEN DID YOU LAST SEE YOUR FATHER? 

Check out my books:  Jonathanlastauthor.com

TRANSFORMERS: THE LAST KNIGHT (2017, Michael Bay)

 

* * 

Fifth go around for the oft-disguised robots, this time with something about Arthurian legend mixed into the usual MacGuffin hunt.

Starring  Mark Wahlberg, Josh Duhamel, Laura Haddock, Stanley Tucci, John Turturro, Anthony Hopkins  

Written by  Art Marcum, Matt Holloway, Ken Nolan   

Produced by  Lorenzo di Bonaventura, Tom DeSanto, Don Murphy, Ian Bryce   

Duration  153 minutes   

   

INT. BAY RESIDENCE, LOS ANGELES, CA. - DAY (CIRCA 2013)

A beautiful beachside Malibu property.

In the centre of the vast OPEN-PLAN LIVING ROOM sits 51-year-old MICHAEL BAY. He is surrounded by PILES OF TOYS: cars, robots, robots that can turn into cars.

Michael, wearing official TRANSFORMERS: AGE OF EXTINCTION PYJAMAS, is engrossed in his play: BASHING TWO TOYS TOGETHER repeatedly.

MICHAEL

Pow! Smash! Take that!

As Michael carries on with his bashing, a FEMALE VOICE CALLS OUT to him from another room.

MRS. BAY (O/S)

Michael?

Michael DOESN'T LOOK UP from his game.

MRS. BAY (O/S)

Michael!

MICHEAL

Yeah?

He still doesn’t let himself be interrupted. We hear FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING.

MRS. BAY, Michael’s mother, enters the room. She is A VERY ELDERLY LADY, wearing an APRON.

MRS. BAY

Michael, guess who I just got off the phone with?

Michael just SHRUGS and continues BASHING AWAY.

MRS. BAY

Your friend Mark’s mother.

Michael BRIGHTENS UP, although he still DOESN'T STOP PLAYING.

MICHAEL

Marky Mark!

MRS. BAY

Yes, and can you guess what Mrs. Wahlberg told me?

Michael HESITATES, then resumes BASHING WITH ADDED VENOM.

MRS. BAY

Can you, Michael?

MICHAEL

No...

MRS. BAY

Mrs. Wahlberg told me that you’ve signed up for yet another TRANSFORMERS movie.

Michael ignores her, but his game INCREASES IN INTENSITY.

MRS. BAY (CONT'D)

And I told Mrs. Wahlberg that she must be mistaken, because my son, my Michael, he promised me that he was done with those awful films. That after I allowed him to make a fourth, he would never go back on his word and make a fifth!

SMASH! Michael's BROKEN A PIECE off of one of his toys.

MICHAEL

Aw, Mom! That was Starscream! Limited edition!

MRS. BAY

Micheal! Look at me when I'm talking to you.

Reluctantly, Michael puts down his toys and TURNS AROUND.

MRS. BAY (CONT'D)

I know you like to play with your toys. I know you like to play with Marky. But this has gone on far too long.

MICHAEL

But Mom ...

MRS. BAY

But what?

MICHAEL

But Mom!

MRS. BAY

Just give me one good reason I shouldn’t call up Paramount Pictures right now and tell them that you’re not doing the movie.

Michael SCOWLS at his mother. Then a SLY SMILE spreads across his face.

MICHAEL

One point one zero four billion dollars.

MRS. BAY

Excuse me?

MICHAEL

One point one zero four billion. Transformers: Age of Extinction's worldwide gross.

Mrs. Bay THINKS for a beat.

MRS. BAY

Fine. But this is the last time.

She storms out the room and Michael returns to his toys, SMILING ONCE AGAIN.

FADE OUT

Alright, look. I’m not going to bother being all snidey and supercilious here. These are movies about giant robot aliens that turn into vehicles clobbering the shit (oil?) out of each other. If that's what you want to watch, then fine – that’s what you get.

And when I saw the first TRANSFORMERS movie in the cinema during the summer of 2007, I enjoyed it! It was fast, it was entertaining, it was fine. I didn’t walk out eager to see more, but it had done its job. I haven’t been compelled to watch another one since, until now.

But whilst complaining about these stupid movies being stupid seems churlish, I do have a bone to pick with their excess. No, not the amount of CGI spectacle, or the noise, or the childish humour. And not the argument that Michael Bay should have quit long before he got as far as helming a quintology.

No, it’s a different kind of excess that I must bemoan here: not of content or quantity, but of length.

Why do these films always have to be so damned long? Do fixed release dates mean that there’s not enough time to whittle down the assembly cut? Is so much money spent on effects that there is a contractual obligation to show it all on screen? Or is it just ego on our director’s part, connecting length with quality, a variant on ‘bigger is better’?

It certainly seems counter-intuitive when cinema chains go on about wanting films shorter so they can cram in more screenings.

And nearly as long as the TRANSFORMERS movies' running times is the list of supporting roles they've given to respectable actors, slumming it for a paycheque. By this fifth film, we've had: John Turturro, Jon Voight, Kevin Dunn, Rainn Wilson, Patrick Dempsey, John Malkovich, Frances McDormand, Alan Tudyk, Kelsey Grammer, Jack Reynor, Stanley Tucci, Sophia Myles, and Anthony Hopkins.

And that's only the ones who appear in person – there are plenty more who have just lent their voices to the big hulking machines.

So, putting a lens on this fifth instalment, can stretching all this onscreen talent out to a bladder-testing duration help deliver anything worth all that time, money and gravitas?

Two hours and 34 minutes later, let me report back on the highlights:

– Tony Hopkins plays a tweed-wearing aristocrat, introduced in some fuck-off stately home with the informative title card "England, UK". I like how they couldn’t be bothered to glance at a map and come up with a location any more specific than that. Meanwhile, when John Turturro is shown in Havana, having a conversation about goat scrotums (don't ask), we're informed that it is Havana – not "Cuba, South America".

– Upon meeting Mark Wahlberg, Oscar-winner Hopkins addresses him with a drawn out "duuuuude", as if trying to emulate a DAZED AND CONFUSED-era Matthew McConaughey. Of this I heartily approve.

– Jim Carter, most famous as one of the ‘downstairs’ people in Downton Abbey, here plays a C-3PO-type robot who attacks Wahlberg with kung-fu moves in a glass lift after taking offence at being compared to a leprechaun.

– In the midst of an action scene, someone breathlessly says the line "This shouldn’t happen to a tax-paying American!" and then follows it up immediately with "… Well, not that I pay any taxes." This film has four credited writers.

– Composer Steve Jablonsky joins the ranks of musicians to have emerged from Hans Zimmer’s Remote Control Productions with the intention of sounding exactly like der Master. In doing so, Jablonsky contributes to the illusion that Zimmer  has scored every major motion picture from the past 30 years – when in reality, it’s only been about half of them. 

(See also: Harry Gregson-Williams [DOMINO, THE MARTIAN], Nick Glennie-Smith [THE MAN IN THE IRON MASK, WE WERE SOLDIERS], Brian Tyler [THE EXPENDABLES, FAST FIVE], Trevor Rabin [ARMAGEDDON, BAD BOYS II], John Powell [FACE/OFF, PAYCHECK], etc.)

– Out of the blue, there’s a flashback to some of the transformers kicking Nazi ass in 1940's Germany, which is kind of like INGLOURIOUS BASTERDS meets … um, TRANSFORMERS.

– During a car chase where our heroes are hurtling through London’s square mile, they manage to make the streets look at least somewhat populated, which is more than I can say for some movies from this era.

– When Wahlberg is called upon to do some serious acting during the film’s melodramatic climax, I couldn’t help recalling the more intense moments of BOOGIE NIGHTS, when his Eddie Adams/Dirk Diggler is ranting away in a strung-out, coked-up state after getting involved in some fucked up scrapes during the comedown ’80s. The crossover possibilities don’t really bear thinking about …

So then, was it all worth it? Only to the tune of two stars. That means, in theory, that if the movie had been three fifths shorter, it would have been an acceptable drain on my time.

Unfortunately, I don't think a 61-minute truncated director’s cut of TRANSFORMERS: THE LAST KNIGHT will be coming anytime soon ...

Two stars out of five.

Valid use of the word ‘last’?  Try asking ex-cricketer Sir Alastair Cook, Formula 1 driver Sir Lewis Hamilton and director Sir Sam Mendes – all of whom have been knighted since this film came out.

What would a movie called TRANSFORMERS: THE FIRST KNIGHT be about?  Maybe it would be a movie where all the actors who only supplied their voices to instalments of this saga instead had parts in front of the camera. Hugo Weaving, Tony Todd, Leonard Nimoy, James Remar, John Goodman, Gemma Chan, Ken Watanabe, Steve Buscemi ... I could go on. But I won't.

Previously:  THE LAST EXORCISM

Next time:  LAST TANGO IN PARIS

Check out my books:  Jonathanlastauthor.com