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Three groups squabble over a cure for mutation: the X-Men; other mutants who are bad and so not part of the X-Men; and some nefarious non-mutants (AKA humans).
Starring Hugh Jackman, Halle Berry, Ian McKellen, Patrick Stewart, Anna Paquin, Kelsey Grammar
Written by Simon Kinberg, Zak Penn
Produced by Lauren Shuler Donner, Ralph Winter, Avi Arad
Duration 104 minutes
Quiz time! What do these films all have in common?
FROM RUSSIA WITH LOVE, NEVER SAY NEVER AGAIN, ANT-MAN AND THE WASP, STAR TREK II: THE WRATH OF KHAN, ALI G INDAHOUSE, TOY STORY 2, TOY STORY 3 and X-MEN: THE LAST STAND.
Answer: they all start with a ‘fake-action prologue’, where we’re supposed to believe that our characters are in peril, but it turns out they were safe all along. This is not to be confused with beginning the movie in medias res, like all the other Bonds and the Indiana Jones series, where our hero is in the middle of an adventure that is not part of this film’s story, but is nevertheless a real incident with actual stakes.
Usually these fake-outs are a dream or a flashback or some kind of simulation/training. It’s the third example that (eventually) accounts for the opening of X-MEN: THE LAST STAND, and while up until now I’ve only ever found this trope to be mildly irritating, something about how director Brett Ratner starts THE LAST STAND (not to be confused with THE LAST STAND) really got on my nerves.
I think it’s because the man can’t decide on an opening so instead gives us three in a row, kind of like the opposite of the protracted endings in that final LORD OF THE RINGS film.
First, we have some kind of Jean Grey origin story flashback ("20 years earlier"), featuring Patrick Stewart and Ian McKellen with creepy mid-noughties uncanny valley GCI de-aging, where Ratner at least gets the tedious contractually-obliged Stan Lee cameo out the way early doors.
Then, there's another flashback ("10 years earlier") to a father walking in on his son cutting off his nascent wings in the bathroom, a boy who will grow up to become Ben Foster’s mutant Angel.
Then, following the credits, we have the actual opening ("In the not-too-distant future"), where Wolverine, Storm, Rogue et al are fighting some giant robot thing in a post-apocalyptic wasteland/studio backlot, which – yes – turns out to be a Star Trek holodeck-style setup. Wolverine defeats the enemy all by himself, going against Storm’s insistence that "we work as a team". Then as they walk out, Halle Berry delivers more lines like "You can't just change the rules when you feel like it!" and "This isn't a game!", all the time wondering if she has to start wearing her fucking Oscar on a chain around her neck to get sent any decent scripts.
And the rest of
the film?
Well, Bill Duke turns up in a DR STRANGELOVE-style war room among other important-looking bureaucrats. Kelsey Grammer makes sure he hits all his cues so he has to spend as little time in the blue make-up chair as possible. Ratner gives Anthony Heald a cameo as ‘FBI Mystique Interrogator’ in a nod to his own RED DRAGON (bad idea) or possibly THE SILENCE OF THE LAMBS (bad idea – but for the opposite reason).
Vinnie Jones reminds us that he was once a thing; Elliot Page is still Ellen Page; Famke Janssen is angrier and more sexed-up than usual; James Marsden is barely in it; R Lee Ermey does his drill sergeant thing but sadly only off screen; Harper’s boss from TV's Industry is one of the bad mutants and also apparently a hedgehog; and all in all the whole mess puts the viewer in the unusual position of pining for Bryan Singer.
Two stars out of five.
Valid use of the
word ‘last’? No, they went on to make loads more X-MEN movies,
with no doubt many more to come long into the future until we’re all old and
dead and mouldy in the ground.
What would a movie called X-MEN:
THE FIRST STAND be about? I’d have to look into the history of the
source comic books, which is never going to happen.
Previously: THE LAST SAMURAI
Next time: LAST HOLIDAY
Check out my books: Jonathanlastauthor.com
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