THE LAST DAYS ON MARS (2013, Ruairí Robinson)

 

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Researchers on Earth's nearest neighbour encounter something that doesn't like them poking around it.

Starring  Liev Schreiber, Elias Koteas, Romola Garai, Olivia Williams

Written by  Clive Dawson

Produced by  Michael Kuhn, Andrea Cornwell

Duration  98 minutes   

 

Dear Mom,

Well, I finally did it. I emigrated to Mars! I know you said I'd never do it, but here I am.

The problem with Hollywood was, you can't move for wannabe screenwriters. The competition was just getting too much. So, after I sold all my possessions except the clothes on my back (and my Macbook, of course!) I could just about afford a fifth-class ticket on the very first commercial transit to the Red Colonies!

As you can imagine, onboard living conditions weren't exactly the best. It was like being below deck on the Titanic, except no Leo – sadly! And we made it on time – no "Meteor, right ahead!" or anything like that! And yeah, I'm not living in the best digs now that I've arrived, either, although it's better than my old apartment in the North Valley, that's for sure.

I'll tell you one good thing about that space journey, though. Three months is obviously a lot of time to kill. And so the ship laid plenty of free entertainment on us, including a wide selection of movie theatres. So, you can guess where I spent most of my time!

And I thought, you know what, it's a great opportunity to do some research. Because, ma (and this won't surprise you much either), this whole time I've been thinking about my next screenplay project. I'm gonna write the definitive Mars movie! And wouldn't you know it – one of the theatres had a series of movies set on my new red home. Talk about a great chance to get inspired!

I tried to learn something from each one of those Mars movies, and, now I've set foot on red soil, compare it to the reality.

For example, they screened THE MARTIAN, that one with Matt Damon. Now, I know I'm not gonna get left alone here like he was, since there were more than 5,000 in my space cruiser alone and there's at least another dozen more of those besides.

And I didn't see any zombie types on the shuttle bus out to the colony, so we're not in a GHOSTS OF MARS situation, either! I had got the idea from TOTAL RECALL that Mars might be kinda dirty, with prostitutes and strip bars everywhere, but don't worry ma, it's nothing like that. Not the parts I've seen, anyway.

MARS NEEDS MOMS did have kind of a point, though. We do need to populate this place. I haven't had much of a chance to socialise yet, but maybe you'll someday be attending your first wedding on another planet? Would I have to wear a red tux?! But what Mars definitely doesn't need is any of the monster thingies from JOHN CARTER. Giant apes with two-foot fangs? No thank you!

I would say something about MISSION TO MARS and RED PLANET, but to be truthful, I can't remember which one was which. Instead, I wanna talk about one other movie, since it was only yesterday I watched it so it sticks in my memory, and also 'cause unlike the others, I'd never even heard of it before. It's called THE LAST DAYS ON MARS.

Liev Schreiber is a scientist type dude over on the ol' fourth rock from the sun. He's just out there (I mean, here!) drilling away into them red rocks they/we got everywhere. Liev and his handful of other drillers are coming to the end of their six-month mission, where they've been trying to get some samples or find something. You know – science stuff. 

So yeah, they're all cranky with each other: Liev and that guy Elias Koteas, who was Casey Jones in the original NINJA TURTLES movie, and also that British chick Olivia Williams, who was dead Bruce Willis's wife in THE SIXTH SENSE. And a bunch of other guys, all different accents, so a multicultural Mars – which is nice and all.

So alright, they're looking forward to leaving the planet and can't wait to return to the green lush of Earth. Haha, I hope that's not me in six months' time! Anyway, one of the scientists with an accent – I think he's German or French or Spanish, one of those European places, anyway – discovers from one of those 'samples' that there may be, like, alien life. But when he goes out to investigate he's mysteriously killed, and so his buddies have to find out what happened. And, you know, they start blaming each other and getting all paranoid, that kind of business. And next thing you know, they're all getting possessed and attacking each other.

Look, I'll level with you ma. When I saw this movie described as a 'horror/thriller' I got a bit concerned and I nearly didn't watch it. Like, I'm already on a brand new frickin' planet here. Do I really want to start making the place seem scarier than it already is? But I shouldn’t have worried. There wasn't much that was horrific or thrilling in THE LAST DAYS OF MARS. And you know what? It wasn't like them being on Mars even mattered to the plot or anything. It could have been out on an oil rig, or in Alaska (like THE THING) or, I dunno, the middle of Wyoming or somewhere.

OK, fine, there is a part where one of the crew who's gone nuts bursts into their science station and sticks a power drill straight into his buddy's chest. That scene was kinda cool. And then the British chick hits him over the head with a fire extinguisher. But mostly it's just people arguing. Arguing with spacesuits on. With the occasional glimpse at some reddish rocks through the window. Some of the characters live, most of them die. 

What are the survival chances for the biggest names in the cast, Liev Schreiber and Olivia Williams, you might ask? Do I need to point out an anagram you can get from his first name by swapping the last two letters, or tell you that 'Olivia' is often shortened to 'Liv'? (OK, full disclosure: I fell asleep before the end, so I'm just guessing. Maybe they both die horribly.)

Look ma, I gotta go. I've an interview tomorrow for the Mars Mining Corp first thing in the morning. Ha, might turn out that soon I'll be out there drilling for samples, like the poor guys in THE LAST DAYS ON MARS!

Hmm. Maybe I shouldn't have watched that flick yesterday, after all ...

Love to Dad,

Your son

Two stars out of five.

 

Valid use of the word ‘last’?  The ones that didn't make it certainly won't be setting foot on the planet again.

What would a movie called THE FIRST DAYS ON MARS be about?  Getting to know each other, team-building exercises, reserving spaces in the fridges. Those sorts of things.

Previously:  THE LAST EXORCISM: PART II

Next time:  LAST DANCE 

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