* * *
The sheriff of a sleepy Arizona town and his ragtag police force are the last barrier between a fugitive felon and his escape into Mexico.
Starring Arnold Schwarzenegger, Forest Whitaker, Johnny Knoxville, Luis Guzmán, Peter Stormare, Genesis Rodriguez
Written by Andrew Knauer
Produced by Lorenzo di Bonaventura
Duration 105 minutes
It’s Christmas Day 2012, and I am the proud recipient of Total Recall – no, not the 1990 mind-bending, ultra-violent sci-fi action classic, which I of course already own, and certainly not the tepid Colin Farrell remake, either.
I’m talking about Arnold Schwarzenegger’s autobiography, subtitled My Unbelievably True Life Story. (Missed a chance there for something like All True with No Lies, or maybe Never a Raw Deal.)
Ploughing through the 656-page hardback over the following weeks (big guy, big book), I find that it’s split into three clear phases: transformation from Austrian village-boy to world-famous bodybuilder; movie stardom; and finally, politics. And as the reader makes their way through this tome, those phases get progressively less interesting: the rise-to-fame stuff is a fascinating insight into one man’s drive and ambition; the Hollywood portion is good, but lacking in new insight; and the political stuff does not grip me in the slightest – phew, I’m glad he finally managed to get that tax deposition through the Supreme Court!
What I don’t remember is what whether Arnold wrote anything about his plans to return to acting – which is what he did with 2013’s THE LAST STAND. This is actually quite apt, because I know I watched the thing when it came out but struggled to recall anything about it, total or otherwise
Released 10 years after his previous film, TERMINATOR 3: RISE OF THE MACHINES, THE LAST STAND was Arnie’s big comeback as a leading man. Except, it wasn’t his first comeback. In one way or another, he’d been trying to come back ever since LAST ACTION HERO tanked in 1993.
To wit: for TRUE LIES (1994), he re-teamed with his old pal, safe-hands Jim Cameron – his films always make money. ERASER (1996) had him doing an action movie that was unapologetically ‘80s, harking back to when Arnold was truly a force to be reckoned with. BATMAN & ROBIN (1997) seemed to be the safe step of joining a successful franchise (... whoops).
There's more. END OF DAYS (1999)
found him going darker and more topical (premillennial angst); THE 6TH DAY
(2000) was his first sci-fi since the massive TERMINATOR 2; and in 2002’s COLLATERAL DAMAGE
he made the odd decision to star in an action flick where he doesn't kill anyone – a concept akin to a porno with no sex. Then finally, he accepted a $30
million campaign contribution salary to return to his most iconic role
as an emotionless cyborg.
Alright, so THE LAST STAND. What exactly is there to say about the film that kicked off Phase Four in the life of Arnold Alois Schwarzenegger?
Well, since I couldn't remember much, this time I decided to pay real close attention and get some stats for ya.
Here’s a record of the number of times:
– Reference is
made to Arnie's advancing age or physique or his history of violence: 11
– I wonder if
the town’s diner isn’t actually the same set from the movie A HISTORY OF
VIOLENCE: 4
– Johnny Knoxville
fires a comically huge Magnum .500 while wearing Biggles goggles and/or a silly hat: 3
– Arnie emerges
from a car wearing sunglasses: 2
– Luis Guzman is
used for comic relief: 7
– Luis Guzman says "Get to the diner!" and I wonder if it’s supposed to be a tease for Arnie later saying "Get to the chopper!" ( … he never does): 1
– I’m surprised
that Harry Dean Stanton is in this: 1 (he’s shot dead at the end of his one
scene)
– Forest Whitaker,
playing an FBI agent, talks with authority and makes us take the film seriously
while he’s on screen: 5
– Arnie proves he has the real authority by hanging up on Whitaker: 2
– We get a
genuinely creatively staged action sequence: 3
– The streets are
conveniently free of all pedestrians and non-cops/non-criminals during action
sequences: 4
– The villain confirms his evil bone fides by killing a cop who he knows has a baby on the way, even after the cop puts his gun down: 1
– Arnie is the only cop in the entire town who knows how to do his job: 3
– Arnie uses his intuition to sniff out a bad guy: 1 (although he was played by Peter Stormare, so intuition wasn’t really necessary)
– Arnie fires a shotgun out the car window with one hand while driving: 2
– Arnie advises someone to apply pressure to a gunshot wound: 1
– Arnie delivers a one-liner: 5
– Arnie says "I'll be back": 0
– There’s a tooling-up sequence: 2
– An old woman brandishes a hunting rifle: 1
– There’s a car chase through corn fields: 1
Well, there you have it: the numbers don’t lie.
In the final analysis, THE LAST STAND is no COMMANDO, or even a RED HEAT or RUNNING MAN, but it is better than practically all of Arnie’s post-BATMAN, pre-Governator output. And it’s certainly more fun than reviewing state legislature regulations, or whatever the big man was doing a few months before he set foot on set.
Three stars out of five.
Valid use of the
word ‘last’? Yep – not even the border guards are there to
back them up.
What would a movie called THE
FIRST STAND be about? I’m going to go for a biopic of Arnie (Lord
knows who could play him) that begins with his first steps as a toddler,
showing how that ‘first stand’ was the start of a journey that led to winning
Mr Universe four times, holding a political position in a country not of his
birth, and playing an over-sharing pregnant man who says things like "My
nipples are very sensitive" in JUNIOR.
Previously: THE LAST FIVE YEARS
Next time: THE LAST OF THE MOHICANS
Check out my books: Jonathanlastauthor.com
