LAST KNIGHTS (2015, Kazuaki Kiriya)

 

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Forced to execute his beloved master, a noble warrior dedicates his life to fighting back against the corrupt and sadistic ruler responsible

Starring  Clive Owen, Morgan Freeman, Cliff Curtis, Aksel Hennie, Peyman Moaadi

Written by  Michael Konyves, Dove Sussman

Produced by  Luci Kim   

Duration  115 minutes   

 

(Ring ring, ring ring)

(Crunch crunch)  "Hello?"

"Oh, hello. Am I speaking to Mr Clive Owen?"

(Crunch crunch)  "Yeah."  (Crunch crunch)  "Who’s this, then?"

"This is Morgan Freeman."

"Actual Morgan Freeman?"  (Crunch crunch, swallow)  "Really?"

"Yes, really, Clive. How are you?"

"Fucking hell, I mean, hold on a sec."  (Beat)  "Sorry Morgan, I was just watching the footie and munching on some Doritos."

(Chuckles)  "Ah yes, you Cockneys and your association soccer."

"Ha, actually I’m from Coventry, mate. In the Midlands?"

"Is that so? You know, Clive, I recall that when we were shooting THE DARK KNIGHT RISES, Christian, Tom and Michael would often watch Fox Soccer between setups."

"Oh yeah? Nolan as well?"

"No, Christopher was usually busy, chatting to Wally about the lighting or whatnot. Anyway, at the time, they were broadcasting a documentary series on Liverpool Footballing Club, narrated by yours truly."

"Yeah, that was me. Liverpool, they’re my team, mate." 

"So, you’re one of those ... ‘Scousers’? Like John Lennon?"

(Chuckles)  "No, Coventry’s nowhere near Liverpool."

"Oh, but I thought you Englishmen had a ‘support your nearest franchise’ attitude to sports?"

"Er, yeah, well ... um ... Listen, sorry Morgan mate, but how can I help you exactly?"

"Sorry, Clive, I’ll cut to the chase. I'm calling about this script my agent has given me, THE LOST KNIGHT."

"Oh yeah, right. No, I think it’s actually called LAST KNIGHT ... I think."

"Oh, I see, right."

"Like ABOUT LAST NIGHT, but I don’t think we’re gonna be seeing Demi Moore or Rob Lowe in it. Yeah, I just got off the phone with my own agent about booking me onto a Czech Airlines flight."

"So then, what I’m told is true and you’re attached?"

"Right, yeah I am, that’s right. Are you doing it and all?"

"Well, this is why I’m calling you and interrupting your soccer, Clive. Sorry, ‘football’."

"Oh yeah?"

"Yes, I’d like to talk about the script. I can’t make my mind up about whether I should do this movie or not. I have a few questions – would it be any bother if I ran through them with you, Clive?"

"No, Morgan mate, no bother at all. Go for it. It’s half-time now, anyway."

"Clive, I'm much obliged. So, would I be right in assuming that you’re taking the lead role, this character ‘Raiden’?"

"Raiden, yeah that’s the fellah. Like off of that arcade game, MORTAL KOMBAT, the geezer with the hat that did the lightning. You remember that game, Morgan?"

"No, Clive, I'm afraid I do not."

"‘Finish him!’"

"I’m afraid I have no idea what you’re talking about."

(Chuckles)  "Never mind."

"So can I just ask, Clive."

"Anything, Morgan mate, anything."

"What attracted you to the part? And the script in general?"

(Exhales)  "Well, I did KING ARTHUR back in the day and that was a bit of a laugh. Riding on a horse and swinging a sword about and that. Plus, I’ve never been to the Czech Republic and it’ll make a change from bloody Bulgaria, where they film everything these days."

"True, Clive, so true."

"Did you know there's a nightclub in Prague with five floors? Apparently, you can get the best absinthe in Europe there. It’s at the end of that bridge they have, what’s it called, the famous one. I dunno."

"I see. But the movie, Clive."

"Oh yeah, right."

"Was there anything about the script that made you think that you have to do this project?"

"Well ... I dunno, really. It seemed alright, from what I can remember. No worse than a lot of the shit that comes my way these days. What’ve you been offered, second lead?"

"Well, it's a character called ‘Bartock’."

"Oh right, yeah. Um, remind me, what’s his deal then?"

"He’s Raiden’s mentor and father figure."

"Oh yeah, right! Don't you get killed off early doors? Wait ... don't I have to stab you to death or something, like under coercion or whatever?"

(Chuckles)  "Yes, I do fall by your hand it would seem. It’s a little unclear as to why, though. I’ve offended someone ... and you’re under some kind of political pressure, as far as I can tell."

"Yeah, I did kinda zone out with all that plot stuff. Lot of bollocks about ‘honour’ and ‘how dare you besmirch my family’ and all that. I started to flick through, searching for the bloody battles!  (Chuckles)  The bloodier the better, as far as I'm concerned!"

"But do you think the audience will be following what's going on?"

"Probably not. They’ll probably be chugging a beer and skipping through to the violent bits themselves, watching the thing at home on Netflix or whatever it’s on."

"I suppose you’re right, Clive. But there is ... something else."

"Oh yeah? Come on Morgan, spit it out mate."

"Well, the main thing I’m worried about is, this movie starts with me doing voiceover. Again!"

"Oh, come up Morgan, everyone loves your voiceovers. Christ, you were like my bloody role model, giving me the confidence to do that one for Liverpool when I wasn't sure I could pull it off. Honestly, mate!"

"That’s very kind, Clive."

"Straight up! Obviously SHAWSHANK and, oh mate, fucking MARCH OF THE PENGUINS? Are you having a laugh? But you know the absolute best for me? WAR OF THE WORLDS. Fucking nailed it, mate."

"I appreciate the kind words. But do you think that audiences are a little ... weary of hearing my voice by now?"

"No way. Never. That’s like asking would I ever get sick of watching Stevie Gerrard bang in 30-yard belters."

"Hmm. I think I see your point. But, Clive, I know I exit the movie early, but I’m still concerned about how well the rest of the picture will come across. The screenplay is nearly 120 pages and it all seems rather bland and unimaginative; it’s definitely slow and quite confusing at times. I’m just not sure how much –"

(Crunch crunch)  "Mm-hmm, yeah, I see your point, mmm (crunch crunch) ."

"Clive, have you opened another packet of Doritos?"

(Crunch)  "Mmm, yeah, sorry Morgan ... they’re those Flaming Hot ones, know what I mean?"  (Crunch crunch)

"I see."

"Look, Morgan  (crunch, swallow) . The second half of the football’s about to start. I'm gonna level with you, mate. I don’t get offered a lot of lead roles these days. It’s not 2006 anymore, and I doubt I’m ever gonna get another Oscar nomination. Fucking should have won it for CLOSER, can't remember which twat beat me to it."

"That would have been me, Clive."

"Oh fuck, was it?"

"Yes, for MILLION DOLLAR BABY."

"Shit, that’s right. Bollocks. And well-deserved too, mate. Shit ... er, sorry about the language."

"That’s quite alright. You still have plenty of time. I was nearly 70 when I finally won that statue, you know."

"Yeah, well like I say, I'm not so sure I’m ever gonna make it onto one of them podiums again. But anyway, so yeah, I open up a script like this THE LAST KNIGHTS or whatever the fuck it’s called, and I think, horses? Swords? Free holiday in Eastern Europe? Fuck it – why not?"

(Beat)

"Clive, just tell me one thing."

(Crunch crunch)  "Morgan mate – anything."

"Did you really say five floors?"

"My cousin was over there for his mate’s stag do ... er, bachelor party. What he actually called the place was, and I’m quoting directly here, he said it was ‘five floors of whores’. Apparently it’s fucking mental. The whole city, in fact."

(Long beat)

"Morgan? You still there, mate?"  (Crunch)

"Clive, I’m going to think all this over, but I reckon I might just be asking you to count me in on that first round of absinthe."

"Ah, that’s the spirit, Morgan mate!"

"Enjoy the rest of your game and good luck to the Liverpool."

"Cheers Morgan, it’s fucking Man U so we need to beat these bastards."

"So long, Clive."

"See you in Prague, mate."  (Crunch crunch)

(Click)

Two stars out of five.

Valid use of the word ‘last’?  Not as such. I didn’t get the impression that there would be no further knights subsequent to the events on show.

What would a movie called FIRST KNIGHTS be about?  What about a double-bill of British writer/director Steven Knight’s first screenplay credits, GYPSY WOMAN (starring Jack Davenport) and DIRTY PRETTY THINGS (Chiwetel Ejiofor, Audrey Tautou)?

Previously:  THE LAST TIME I SAW PARIS

Next time:  STAR WARS: THE LAST JEDI 

Check out my books:  Jonathanlastauthor.com

THE LAST AIRBENDER (2010, M Night Shyamalan)

 

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The latest in a long line of Avatars must master all four elements and stop the Fire Nation from enslaving the other elemental nations.

Starring  Dev Patel, Noah Ringer, Nicola Peltz, Jackson Rathbone, Shaun Toub, Cliff Curtis

Written by  M Night Shyamalan

Produced by  M Night Shyamalan, Sam Mercer, Frank Marshall   

Duration  103 minutes

Oh boy. I was dreading this one. Sure, because I knew its dire reputation, but even if it was supposed to be good, I still would have struggled.

I just can’t take this fantasy stuff seriously. Mostly because it tends to take itself so seriously, with all the tedious world-building and mythology and ‘lore’, not to mention the conversations between characters who sound like robots whose vocabulary comes from assimilating The Complete Works of Chaucer.

But hey, maybe for me with my lowest of low expectations it might end up being alright? Or at least so bad it’s good?

Er ...

Let’s start with the positives, shall we? Well, everyone seems to have learned their lines. It’s in focus. The guys in post clearly patiently waited out the time it took for all the CGI to render. The boom never sneaks into frame (although with this many special effect shots they probably ADR’d the entire thing). Um ... it's nice to see Dev Patel has come so far since Skins? Cliff Curtis is in it?

Meanwhile, the film’s issues are well documented: tin-eared dialogue; rushed and muddled storytelling; wooden acting; controversial casting; a dreary, solemn tone; excessive narration; little adherence to the source material, too many sub-plots scrapping for attention; a bizarre disconnect between what people are saying and doing and what is going on around them; shoddy 3D from a hasty post-conversion.

But for me, the trouble can be summed up with two words: ‘exposition overload’. LAST AIRBENDER is to exposition what ROCKY IV is to montages. Every scene is someone explaining what has, is or will happen. I kept expecting exposition about the scene that just ended – and hey, maybe that did happen, since I lost track of what was going on after about 10 minutes.

More transportive for me than any of the otherworldly vistas or supernatural happenings was the constant use of the word ‘bender’. Here, it refers to someone who can telekinetically manipulate one of the four elements (you know 'em: fire, water, earth and air). But I kept having aural flashbacks to its use as a juvenile insult thrown around in the South London playgrounds of my childhood, alongside the likes of ‘arsewipe’, ‘derr-brain’, ‘window-licker’ and ‘your mum’s had more 1-ups than Mario’.

It seems harsh to judge young actors too stringently, but hey, they’re playing an adult's game, probably getting paid adult wages, too. And there is a scale: at the top, you have Anna Paquin in THE PIANO, Jodie Foster in TAXI DRIVER, that kid from KRAMER VS KRAMER. At the bottom, you have the lead boy in LAST AIRBENDER.

Poor Noah Ringer sounds like he grew up with THE PHANTOM MENACE’s Jake Lloyd as his role model. Marlon Brando could get away with reading from offscreen cue-cards in THE GODFATHER because he was Marlon Brando; here, it sounds like Ringer is having his dialogue read into an earpiece by someone with limited literacy. Some scenes consist of him shot in uncomfortably tight close-ups spouting stilted lines at an older boy and the girl who went on to marry Brooklyn Beckham, with the latter two sporting fixed wide-eyed expressions that suggest sheer disbelief at the drivel infecting their ears.

LAST AIRBENDER is adapted from an apparently popular TV show that had ‘Avatar’ in its title, but they had to drop the word to avoid confusion with Jim Cameron’s mega-hit. Turns out it could have really done with some crumbs from that $1 billion pie, even if they only came by virtue of The Asylum-style accidental viewings (SNAKES ON A TRAIN, TRANSMORPHERS, PARANORMAL ENTITY, etc.)

Look, I’m not an M Night hater; if anything, I’m an M Night apologist ... to a degree. That degree includes THE HAPPENING, OLD and THE VILLAGE, the criticisms about which I accept, but I still enjoy those on their own bonkers terms. But this generosity does not extend as far as LADY IN THE WATER, AFTER EARTH and, now, this hot mess.

Bend yourself in whatever direction is necessary to avoid it, even if you risk snapping something off.

One star out of five.

Valid use of the word ‘last’?  He’s certainly the latest airbender, but if somewhere in all that exposition it was clarified that others will not be following, I must have missed it.

What would a movie called THE FIRST AIRBENDER be about?  There’s an Avatar Wiki (of course there is), which helpfully tells us that it was a flying bison. Seems obvious, now.

Previously:  GOON: LAST OF THE ENFORCERS  

Next time:  THE LAST DUEL

Check out my books:  Jonathanlastauthor.com