LAST THREE DAYS (2020, Brian Ulrich)

* * 

A rookie narcotics cop inadvertently starts jumping back and forth through time.

Starring  Robert Palmer Watkins, Thomas Wilson Brown, Deborah Lee Smith, Roy Huang

Written by  Brian Ulrich

Produced by  Brian Ulrich, Julianna Ulrich, Jonathan M Black

Duration  86 minutes

 

 

I've tried to avoid doing these reviews in a predicable, bog-standard 'and then this happens, and then that happens' style. But for LAST THREE DAYS, I'm going to do exactly that, for better or for worse. 

Let's see how we get on!

Monday, 22st, a title card tells us. We're in a house, it looks like a crime has taken place. Empty beer bottles, furniture knocked over. Expended shell casings, a discarded handgun. Jack, a police officer and our protagonist, is there, and his colleagues soon burst in and pull their guns on him. Uh-oh; what have you done, Jack? He pleads innocence, but whatever has gone down here, the evidence against the young cop is pretty damning.

Then it's seven years ago. College-student Jack is in shorts, sitting underneath a tree, study books open. Then a pretty girl turns up and tells him that this is her favourite study spot. Jack agrees to let her sit there if he can take her out to dinner. She tells him she's writing an essay on the nature of time and memories; the audience is invited to believe that this is relevant to her nursing degree, not just clumsy foreshadowing. Jack, meanwhile, is majoring in criminal law and aspires to be a top detective.

They walk and talk and flirt. He gets her name and number. She's Beth. We montage through their relationship. Soon they're married, moving in together, now indeed working as police officer and nurse.

Then it's seven years later again, this time Wednesday, 17th. Beth comes home from her nursing job to an exposition-rich noticeboard, where she's marked that it's been 'Five days without Jack', and also that it's soon going to be their fifth wedding anniversary.

Then we’re with Jack and his veteran partner, Dave, busting into a drug dealer's house. "Sometimes in life we're given second chances," Jack informs the perp while cuffing him. "What we do with them … is up to us." Philosopher as well as lawman is our Jack.

Meanwhile, Beth is still waiting for Jack to come home. Instead, he goes to play cards with his cop buddies in a bar. They talk about local gang warfare, specifically the Japanese 'Yakus'. (Is ‘Yakuza’ a trademark or something? Or did the filmmakers want to avoid upsetting a real/real dangerous group?). Jack gets a call from the missus, wondering if he is ever coming home. He argues that as the newest member of the team he needs to socialise with his colleagues to build trust.

Beth hangs up. She is working late too, getting relationship advice from an older colleague, who insists that Jack does still love her.

Then it's the next day, Thursday, 18th. Jack assures Beth via text that he will be home tonight. Later, he and Dave meet up with a young Japanese woman to try and find out about the Yakus' next move. 

Davey Boy is a bit too cavalier for Jack: he boasts about not caring about doing a bust without a warrant or breaking any other rules, if it means they gets a result. But Jack nevertheless assures his increasingly dodgy-seeming partner that he does have his back. So, he agrees to go out for yet another drink after work – neglecting poor Beth for the umpteenth time, leaving her alone dressed in her best sexy outfit and nursing (no pun intended) a cold steak dinner. Jack didn't even realise that it's their anniversary today! 

And when he comes home drunk and accuses her of not respecting him, she accuses him of turning into his father, which he’s mentioned is his worst nightmare. So, Jack storms out again and catches up with Dave and the others in a strip bar. You can now mark 'strip bar' off from your cop movie clichés bingo card.

Next morning, Jack wakes up hungover in his own house, but alone: no Beth. And it turns out that rather than being Friday morning like it should be, it's actually Monday, 22nd! So just what the hell has happened to the LAST THREE DAYS?

He goes to Dave's house and finds it dishevelled; in fact, we're now back at the setup from the start of the movie. Jack's own gun is in the vicinity, as is a sexy photo Beth gave him of herself way back in the day. And when he plays Dave's answerphone messages, he hears Beth saying that she's left Jack and that she loves Dave! WTF?

Then a masked man bursts in and tries to shoot Jack, who shoots back. Before he can see if he's tagged him, Jack finds Dave’s bloodied corpse in the bathroom. When Jack's other cop pals turn up, it doesn't look good for our poor rookie. He legs it out the house but, in his haste, doesn't look both ways and is hit by a car.

Then Jack wakes in a dumpster, with no gun and a busted phone. But now when he checks the date on his watch it turns out that it's Sunday, 21st!

Jack happens upon (I guess?) some members of the Yaku and kidnaps one, getting out of him that they killed Dave and have framed Jack. And as for Beth, her whereabouts and whether that "I've left you for Dave" message was genuine? Jack still doesn't know!

After tussling with the Yakus, Jack races home and finds a "I still love you Jack, happy anniversary!" note from Beth. So, determined to piece together what the fuck is going on, Jack pulls down that exposition-tool whiteboard they have in their kitchen and starts doodling on it, lines and names and arrows, with dates and times. It’s a little like that scene with Doc Brown and the blackboard in BACK TO THE FUTURE PART II.

Then Jack wakes up again and it's Saturday now (the 20th – do try to keep up) and Dave is still alive. And Jack's getting into a car with Dave and asking him what's going on, when did he last see Beth? But Dave quickly moves the conversation onto work, specifically the against-protocol methods he wants to use to bust the Yakus.

Those include meeting their female informant (at least I think that’s what she was) with her Yaku pals in a warehouse. Soon, the female big boss Yaku emerges from the shadows. She doesn't trust Dave and at gunpoint forces him to admit that they're cops. (So, I guess they were undercover this whole time?) Then there's a shootout. The informant (?) girl is shot and the two cops run away. Then another shootout, on the pavement this time. Dave is hit, so gives Jack some incriminating evidence he has about the Yakus and tells him to take off. Then the Yakus call Dave "a real piece of shit" and shoot him dead.

Presently, Jack finds a payphone and tries calling Beth but can't get through. So, nursing a Yuka-administered gunshot wound, he goes to the hospital where she works. He doesn't find her, but, after collapsing due to blood loss, he is treated by Beth's nurse friend. The friend tells him that he had an unknown narcotic in his bloodstream – it's 'reaper', the new designer drug that the Yakus are dealing. Could they have slipped Jack some and that's what has been altering his perception of time?

We finally see where Beth is: staying with her dad. Jack rushes to her, but he's not in time to stop her getting kidnapped (pick up that bingo marker again) – and we see the Yaku forcing her at gunpoint to leave that cryptic answerphone message about leaving Jack and loving Dave.

Then it's the morning of Friday, the 19th. Alone again, Jack wakes up in bed and tries to call Beth – no answer! All seems lost. Jack meets Dave and tells him that he's off the case: "I've got a wife, man. It's time I started thinking about her." But Dave threatens him: turns out he's ultimately working for the Yakus, so wants to make sure Jack does what he's told, otherwise Dave will order his Yaku pals to hurt Beth. It's been/is/was/will be Dave who setting Jack up, all along! Damn, some partner!

The two of them tussle in a parking garage and Jack eventually gets the upper hand. He then has just 15 minutes to race to rescue Beth before she's due to be grabbed by one of Dave's/the Yaku's goons. He makes it, but she rejects his attempts at reconciliation.

But, no, wait a minute – in the movie’s final moments she kisses him in their kitchen as the sun sets through the window. These kids are gonna be all right, folks.

Phew, we made it! Blimey, that was hard work. Don't think I'll be doing that again any time soon.

Oh, and the film is OK, if a bit incoherent. Nothing amazing, but not one-star bad.

Two stars out of five.

 

 

Valid use of the word ‘last’?  Actually one of the more accurate uses I’ve come across. Although if I were to be pedantic, I'd say they should have gone for 'the previous'.

What would a movie called FIRST THREE DAYS be like?  In terms of cop movies, sounds like it would be a longer version of TRAINING DAY. A movie to which this one has been compared, to the extent that anyone but me has actually bothered writing about LAST THREE DAYS.

 

Previously:  I’LL ALWAYS KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER

Next time:  THE LAST KISS

Check out my books:  Jonathanlastauthor.com

LAST NIGHT (2010, Massy Tadjedin)

 

* * 

This couple really don’t trust each other. Either of them may or may not be having or at some point have had an affair.

Starring  Keira Knightley, Sam Worthington, Eva Mendes, Guillaume Canet

Written by  Massy Tadjedin

Produced by  Sidonie Dumas, Massy Tadjedin, Nick Wechsler  

Duration  92 minutes

 

Oh, shit. Right. Huh.

So, I thought I was reviewing the other LAST NIGHT. You know the one. Or not. Probably not. 

It was a 1998 ensemble final-day-on-Earth flick, one of those low-budget ones that are about relationships rather than special effects. Canadian, featuring one of David Cronenberg's rare acting gigs. A couple of other names were in it too, like Sandra Oh (pre-Grey's Anatomy) and Genevieve Bujold (post-Cronenberg's DEAD RINGERS). And Sarah Polley, like all Canadian movies.

No, the film I actually ended up watching for this review was made 12 years later, starred a couple of non-Canadians (Brit Keira Knightly and Aussie Sam Worthington) and wasn't about a pending apocalypse at all.

Before digging into the Knightly/Worthington LAST NIGHT, let's zoom out to the macro issue here. What are some other unrelated movies that happen to share a name?

Here's a selection, along with a handy guide to how you can tell which is which.

– If you're watching James Spader having unconventional sex with a badly injured Rosanna Arquette in the back of a car, it's CRASH (1996). If it's a heavy-handed ensemble drama about racism directed by the guy who created Due South, you're watching CRASH (2004).

– If there's a lot of slow-motion, two-handed gunplay and bonding between a rogue cop and an assassin with a moral code, you're watching THE KILLER (1989). But you're watching THE KILLER (2023) if Michael Fassbender is playing the assassin, delivering a lot of voiceover as he meticulously prepares for jobs while listening to The Smiths.

–  If you're watching Robert Pattison looking awfully pale, Kirsten Stewart gaping lustily at him with her mouth half-open, and Taylor Lautner concentrating really hard on remembering his lines, it's TWILIGHT. (2008). If it's an aged Paul Newman playing private eye and uncovering an ultimately rather low-key mystery involving Susan Sarandon, Gene Hackman, James Garner, Reese Witherspoon, Stockard Channing, Giancarlo Esposito, Liev Schreiber, John Spencer, M Emmet Walsh, Jason Clarke and holy shit they got a lot of people to be in this dull movie ... you're watching TWILIGHT (1998).

–  If it's Naomi Watts in the CIA getting into hot water and being double/triple crossed all over the shop, you're watching FAIR GAME (2010). But you're watching FAIR GAME (1995) if it's Cindy Crawford in the lead, a Baldwin brother as the cop protecting her and the whole thing is much more enjoyable than its reputation suggests, with an unpretentious mid-'90s mid-budget action vibe.

–  If you're watching two sitcom stars bantering their way through what is the big break for both them and their fresh-from-MTV director, it's BAD BOYS (1995). If it's a baby-faced Sean Penn acting tough in a reform school drama directed by the guy who made HALLOWEEN II, you're watching BAD BOYS (1983).

–  If it's a neo-noir with Gene Hackman as a burned-out private investigator, featuring a young James Woods and an even younger Melanie Griffith, you're watching NIGHT MOVES (1975). But you're watching NIGHT MOVES (2013) if it's environmentalist Jesse Eisenberg and his eco-pals trying to blow up a dam.

–  If you're watching De Niro and Pacino on opposite sides of the law in Michael Mann's second-best film after MANHUNTER, it's HEAT (1995). If it's a Burt Reynolds vehicle but not one of those like CANNIBAL RUN where he's mostly in a vehicle, you're watching HEAT (1986).

–  If it's a more mainstream but still spooky offering from Sam Raimi, with a psychic white-trashy Cate Blanchet, you're watching THE GIFT (2000). But you're watching THE GIFT (2015) if it's a solid directorial debut from Aussie actor Joel Edgerton, also starring alongside an atypically assholish Jason Bateman.

–  If you're watching Tommy Lee Jones with a wobbly Irish accent running around Boston planting bombs while listening to U2 (because he's Irish), it’s BLOWN AWAY (1994). If it's Coreys Haim and Feldman co-starring yet again, this time in an erotic (albeit not homoerotic) thriller, you're watching BLOWN AWAY (1992).

–  If it's Britney Spears delivering pretty much her entire acting career in one burst of coming of age road movie, you're watching CROSSROADS (2002). But you're watching CROSSROADS (1986) if it's Ralph Macchio putting his fast hands to use with blues guitar-playing instead of the Miyagi-do karate for which he's better known.

That's more than enough of those for now.

I haven't watched the 1998 LAST NIGHT ... so far! But who knows what the future holds for Last Movie Reviews? Which means, I can't make a comparison in this case. But actually, the movie I would most readily compare LAST NIGHT 2010 to is ABOUT LAST NIGHT – in that it's concerned with what happened the previous evening, as opposed to what happens on the final evening ever.

(I had a vague memory of Kiera Knightly starring in a movie that was like that; turns out it was SEEKING A FRIEND FOR THE END OF THE WORLD, with Steve Carell.)

Anyway, what happened last night in LAST NIGHT was that Keira and husband Sam seemed to be a happy couple: going to an event together, having fun. But both flirted with other guests and came home scowling. Then instead of going to bed happily, they had a fight. 

But the next day they wake up OK again. Sam goes away on business and bumps into his ex, who is at the same conference or whatever. Meanwhile, Keira bumps into her own ex back at home and goes out for dinner with him. The whole thing is kind of like those episodes of Love Island where the contestants' old flames are introduced to stir things up.

We spend the movie intercutting between the two pairs of former lovers. Will they? Won't they? Will one but not the other? Will neither, and then the exes get together instead? Will everyone take a vow of celibacy, leading to an asexual anti-climax?

This tedium ... I mean, this tension is strung out through basically the entire runtime. Both Kiera and Sam do end up cheating, but neither confesses. And in the end they stay together and you know what? It's not the end of the world. It really isn't.

But the poor viewer ends up wishing that it had been.

Two stars out of five.

 

Valid use of the word ‘last’?  As well as being lazily similar to the Rob Lowe/Demi Moore movie mentioned above, it actually takes place over a couple of nights, not just one. Poor show, guys.

What would a movie called FIRST NIGHT be about?  Maybe call it FIRST M NIGHT and make it a documentary about Shyamalan’s forgotten debut movie, PRAYING WITH ANGER.

 

Previously:  THE LAST JOURNEY

Next time:  THE LAST ANGRY MAN

Check out my books:  Jonathanlastauthor.com

THE LAST SONG (2010, Julie Anne Robinson)

 

* * 

A teenaged musical prodigy has fallen out with her Dad/mentor and into petty crime. Can she rediscover herself and find true love over one life-changing summer?

Starring  Miley Cyrus, Liam Hemsworth, Bobby Coleman, Kelly Preston, Greg Kinnear

Written by  Nicholas Sparks, Jeff Van Wie

Produced by  Adam Shankman, Jennifer Gibgot

Duration  107 minutes

Presenting THE LAST SONG: myths vs reality.

Myth: The couples in movies adapted from Nicholas Sparks novels are not together in real life.

Reality: Liam Hemsworth and Miley Cyrus began a relationship during the filming of THE LAST SONG, and were then on-again-off-again before getting married in 2018. Sadly, that turned out to be the beginning of the end, instead of a Sparks-style happily ever after, and they signed divorce papers in 2020.

Meanwhile, Canadian royalty Ryan Gosling and Rachel McAdams fell in love on the set of Sparks urtext THE NOTEBOOK (2004), as did Zac Efron and Taylor Schilling while filming THE LUCKY ONE (2012).

Myth: These Nicholas Sparks stories are all the same.

Reality: I've never read a Nicholas Sparks book and can't envision a scenario in which I would. This is only the second of the movie adaptations I've seen, having watched THE NOTEBOOK with an ex-girlfriend (guess whose choice it was on that movie night).

The Sparks properties certainly look identical, if you judge by the posters: young man, young woman, facing each other in a loving embrace or near-embrace, possibly with a sun setting in the background. But I'm sure across however many there have been there's at least some variety in ... holy crap, the guy's had 12 novels adapted for the screen! He's like the 21st Century's John Grisham, only with fewer courtrooms and far more staring dolefully into each other's eyes.

Myth: A wayward kid coming to a new town is an original setup for a coming of age story.

Reality: I thought at first that the relocation scenario in this movie was a permanent one, a la Daniel LaRusso moving to California from New Jersey in THE KARATE KID. But actually in THE LAST SONG the mum is just bringing these city kids to spend summer at the coast with their dad, many years since divorced.

There's talk in the car of how Miley's character Ronnie was arrested for shoplifting, and she then refuses to embrace or even talk to the old man upon arriving at his beach house. There's resentment simmering there, I tells ya.

She's troubled, but also talented, recently getting into Juliard with no audition. "They've been watching her for years," apparently. (Bit creepy?) But she now doesn't play anymore – and her dad is a former concert pianist, to boot.

Ronnie's kind of a goth; no black makeup or piercings, but she definitely had the sour face and dark clothing.

The obligatory meet-cute, meanwhile, goes for the NOTTING HILL collision-with-spilled-drink approach, this time on the beach with added humiliation in front of a crowd and the male minus his shirt (that'd be Mr Hemsworth).

Myth: Liam is the most obscure of the Hemsworth siblings.

Reality: When compared to older brother Chris, of course he is. Liam's THE EXPENDABLES 2, the HUNGER GAMES series and, er, INDEPENDENCE DAY: RESURGENCE are no match for Chris having been a central figure in the whole Marvel thing, not to mention working with Michael Mann (BLACKHAT) and Ron Howard (RUSH, IN THE HEART OF THE SEA) and getting his own action franchise with Netflix's EXTRACTION.

(Liam actually tested for the role of Thor before losing it to Chris, and had to then watch his bro's career skyrocket. Bet Christmas dinner was fun that year!)

But actually, there is a third acting Hemsworth: oldest brother Luke, best (only?) known for confusing sci-fi saga Westworld. Sorry, Luke – you probably got the biggest bedroom growing up, if that's any consolation.

Myth: Star vehicles that try to make actors out of singers are never a good idea.

Reality: Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes they end up as legit actors, sometimes it remains a one-off gimmick. For every Lady Gaga or Ice Cube, there's a Britney Spears or an Eminem who never really make the transition.

And then there are people like Justin Timberlake and Mandy Moore who seem to straddle both disciplines equally. I guess you would put Miley Cyrus into that category, even if the acting has been a little thin on the ground recently.

Myth: Art doesn't imitate life in the plot of THE LAST SONG.

Reality: I mean, there's the musical stuff, of course, and like Ronnie, Miley has a musician Dad (I've only ever heard that 'Achy Breaky Heart' song, but apparently Billy Ray Cyrus was a pretty big deal at one point). Plus Miley had her own rebellious period: that whole 'Wreaking Ball', sticking her tongue out at every opportunity phase.

Must have been almost as much of a struggle for her to get into character as it was for Marshall Mathers in 8 MILE.

 

Myth: A screenplay comes after the novel and never before.

Realty: This is a rare example of the film being written before the book, Sparks himself getting co-screen credit with Jeff Van Wie. See also LOVE STORY, CASINO and DANCES WITH WOLVES.

Not to be confused with those movie novelisations that were popular in the '80s and '90s – such as ones by titan of the form Dennis Etchison, under the psydenom 'Jack Martin', which included HALLOWEEN II, HALLOWEEN III: SEASON OF THE WITCH and VIDEODROME.

Myth: Not every now-famous Australian actor appeared in either Neighbours or Home and Away.

Reality: True, but there was Margot Robbie, Guy Pearce, Russell Crowe, Radha Mitchell, Alan Dale and Holly Valance (Neighbours); as well as Heath Ledger, Isla Fisher, Melissa George, Julian McMahon, Guy Pearce (again) and Samara Weaving (Home and Away).

As for the Hemsworth boys, their scores are Neighbours: Chris and Luke; both Home and Away and Neighbours: Liam.

Meanwhile, Ms Cyrus is part of a similar trend: former Disney Channel stars. For her Hannah Montana, also see Zendaya (Shake It Up), Hilary Duff (Lizzie McGuire), Demi Lovato (Sonny with a Chance), Selena Gomez (Wizards of Waverly Place), Vanessa Hudgens (High School Musical) and Lord knows how many others.

Suffice it to say, I'd barely ever heard of those shows, never mind sat through an actual episode. But I did use to watch Neighbours every weekday, until graduation and full-time employment made that impractical.

Myth: THE LAST SONG is a pretty by-the-numbers teen romance that passes the time if you like that sort of thing, but is going to be a bit of a slog to get through if you don't.

Reality: Yeah, that's basically spot-on.

Two stars out of five.

Valid use of the word ‘last’?  There is a last song, but it isn't going to be the last one for our troubled teen. Should have gone for that indefinite article, guys.

What would a movie called THE FIRST SONG be about?  "The 'Hurrian Hymn' is the earliest known song to be recorded in writing, dating to around the 13th Century. The text of this hymn is concerned with the promotion of fertility. It refers to the making of offerings and libations to the moon goddess, Nikkal." So says The Institute for the Study of the Ancient World.

 

Previously:  WRONG TURN 6: LAST RESORT

Next time:  LAST CALL

Check out my books:  Jonathanlastauthor.com

LAST CHRISTMAS (2019, Paul Feig)

 

* * 

An underachieving young woman lives an aimless existence, until she meets a tall, dark stranger one December.

Starring  Emilia Clarke, Henry Golding, Michelle Yeoh, Emma Thompson

Written by  Emma Thompson, Bryony Kimmings

Produced by  David Livingstone, Emma Thompson, Paul Feig, Jessie Henderson  

Duration  103 minutes

"Last Christmas, I gave you my heart ..."

Tying your film closely to a song. You've got your two basic ways of doing it.

There's the approach used by LAST CHRISTMAS, commonly known as the STAND BY ME method. That's where you name your film after a well-known, beloved hit. 

If you're really serious, as STAND BY ME director Rob Reiner (RIP) clearly was, you'll play this song over the end credits and even transpose its melody into the musical score. Further examples of this method include PRETTY WOMAN, SWEET HOME ALABAMA, YESTERDAY, MY GIRL, etc. (For the Reiner movie, they wanted to evoke their chosen classic so badly that they even renamed it after adapting it – from Stephen King's story 'The Body', part of his Different Seasons collection.)

Then you've got films for which a song is specially written that ends up taking on a life of its own. A classic case is Berlin's Oscar-winning 'Take My Breath Away' from TOP GUN, which arguably has the greatest soundtrack of the '80s – they released eight singles from it! 

TOP GUN was from the 'popbuster' era, often movies produced by Don Simpson and Jerry Bruckheimer. Other popbusting tunes include Irene Cara – 'What A Feeling' from FLASHDANCE (another winner of the Academy Award for Best Original Song); Maria McKee – 'Show Me Heaven' (DAYS OF THUNDER); and Coolio – 'Gangsta's Paradise' (DANGEROUS MINDS). The belated final nail in the coffin of this trend came in 1998, with Aerosmith's Godawful 'I Don't Want to Miss a Thing' for ARMAGEDDON.

It's worth noting that when this second strategy is employed, the song's title rarely matches the movie's. The only one that comes to mind is Billy Idol's 'Speed' from SPEED. "Speeeed!" implore the lyrics; "Give me what I needed!" they press on. Oh, and THAT THING YOU DO!, but there the original song was actually woven into the story.

For LAST CHRISTMAS, we get an entire soundtrack from one artist, a la THE BODYGUARD or PURPLE RAIN. The difference here is, unlike Whitney Houston or Prince, George Michael had sadly already passed away – three years before and on Christmas Day, no less. LAST CHRISTMAS positions itself as being "inspired by the music of George Michael and Wham!" and its soundtrack features 12 songs from him and three from the pop group he formed.

(The soundtrack lists George's rousing 'Freedom 90', but they missed a trick by not getting Tiesto or Calvin Harris or whoever to mash it together with Wham!'s earlier single 'Freedom' in a tranced-up remix.)

I was curious about the phrase "inspired by" used in the marketing. I knew that LAST CHRISTMAS wasn't an all-out musical (thank God and the baby Jesus), but to what extent would the film's story reflect the choice of songs? And how many of the tunes on the soundtrack would actually be played onscreen – would it be like that "Deluxe Edition" of the TOP GUN LP, which added '80s classics by REO Speedwagon, Mr Mister, Europe, Starship and Jennifer Rush that have nothing to do with the film?

George's 'Heal the Pain' is first out the gate, sung by a church choir, like with Prince's 'When Doves Cry' in Baz Luhrmann's ROMEO + JULIET. It quickly segues into George's rendition on a pub jukebox, and our hapless protagonist Emilia Clarke, nursing a pint, quickly namechecks the man himself. The movie's title song then plays over the opening credits – and does again throughout, in various intentionally terrible cover versions. 

Later, 'Too Funky' punctuates a quickie flashback about a quickie; 'I Want Your Sex' accompanies a frantic oh-shit-I'm-late sequence; 'Wake Me Up (Before You Go-Go)' and the opening of 'Fast Love' ("Gotta get up to get down") are unimaginatively used for scenes when the main character is waking up. There were a few more, but I gave up taking notes. But we did seem to cover all 15 soundtrack choices, or at least it certainly felt like it.

So yeah, it turns out that plot-wise, LAST CHRISTMAS is just a pretty routine romcom, one that sprinkles George's music throughout either randomly or on-the-nosely, all anchored by a game turn by Emilia Clarke. It does throw in a heart-tugging twist at the end, one that does explicitly reference 'Last Christmas' the song, albeit in the clumsiest possible way. (Go back to the opening line of this review, if you want a spoiler.)

In the spirit of Christmas goodwill, I won't be completely negative. For one thing, at least LAST CHRISTMAS is not a typical film from Paul Feig, a terrible director in my opinion. I haven't seen his 2016 GHOSTBUSTERS, although not for the sexist reasons that spread across the internet at the time. It's because I'd tried Feig's first three efforts (BRIDESMAIDS, THE HEAT and SPY) and concluded that he suffers from the same annoying tendencies as his Freaks and Geeks alumni, Judd Apatow (although F&G was a good show, for what it's worth).

By this I mean every joke is milked to death, with actors allowed to improv scenes to the extent that they feel hours long. Many of those scenes desperately try to mine humour from characters hurling insults at each other, often of the "you're like a [insert famous person] version of [insert another famous person]" variety. There is a reluctance to use the editorial scissors running through both Feig's and Apatow's work; I myself have never seen the need for a comedy to last 2-plus hours, unless it's THE BLUES BROTHERS fitting in all its musical numbers and cameos, or BEAU IS AFRAID, where being a relentless endurance test is part of the point.

Another tick LAST CHRISTMAS gets from me is for being a British made and/or set romcom where, in Clarke, they actually cast a British lead actress. There's a weird trend in the genre where it seems like Hollywood doesn’t have any faith in our native ladies to capture hearts, and so they instead cast a hot young American – sometimes playing American, sometimes imitating a Brit. 

I'm talking about FOUR WEDDINGS AND A FUNERAL (Andie MacDowell), NOTTING HILL (Julia Roberts), BRIDGET JONES'S DIARY (Renne Zellweger – London accent not bad), ABOUT TIME (Rachel McAdams – actually Canadian, but close enough) ... And sometimes Richard Curtis isn't even involved, like with WIMBLEDON (Kirsten Dunst) or MAN UP (Lake Bell) or ONE DAY (Anne Hathaway – Yorkshire accent awful) or SLIDING DOORS (Gwyneth Paltrow – London accent passable) or SHAKESPEARE IN LOVE (Paltrow again – London accent passable, for the 16th Century) or A LIFE LESS ORDINARY (Cameron Diaz).

Oh, and final props to LAST CHRISTMAS for setting its opening in Brixton, South London. We swiftly switch to the more movie-conventional Covent Garden/Oxford Street/etc for the duration, but I appreciate the effort for geographical diversity in the Capital, however fleeting.

Two stars out of five.

Valid use of the word ‘last’?  Since the whole thing takes place in the present, I'm gonna give it a 'no' in this case.

What would a movie called FIRST CHRISTMAS be about?  Clarke would be playing Mary. A character who had far fewer one-night stands, that's for sure.

Previously:  AND WHEN DID YOU LAST SEE YOUR FATHER?

Next time:  WRONG TURN 6: LAST RESORT

Check out my books:  Jonathanlastauthor.com

ABOUT LAST NIGHT (1986, Edward Zwick)

 

* * * 

Two yuppies find romance in mid-’80s Chicago.

Starring  Rob Lowe, Demi Moore, James Belushi, Elizabeth Perkins

Written by  Tim Kazurinsky, Denise DeClue

Produced by  Jason Brett, Stuart Oken

Duration  113 minutes

I mean, honestly. Would you fancy trying to sell something called Sexual Perversity in Chicago to a mainstream audience? No, I didn’t think so.

TriStar Pictures weren’t up to the task either, and they probably had Harvard graduates with diplomas in marketing and everything. Thus, David Mamet’s play joined a list of adapted works that were released with a different title. It’s a grand tradition that includes BABE (The Sheep-pig), FIELD OF DREAMS (Shoeless Joe), GOODFELLAS (Wise Guy), STAND BY ME (The Body) and BLADE RUNNER (Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep?).

Now, Mamet wasn’t involved in the production of ABOUT LAST NIGHT, although the frank, foul-mouthed pitter-patter dialogue certainly sounds like your man. Especially James Belushi's explicit monologue about his own 'last night', which he unleashes on a rapt Rob Lowe (who, as a notorious '80s sleaze hound, was probably taking notes).

I've never seen the play, but I'm sure it wasn’t totally discarded in the reimagining. So this gives me enough of an excuse to quote from Mamet’s excellent nonfiction book Bambi vs. Godzilla: On the Nature, Purpose and Practice of the Movie Business, within which the Chicago-native gives the following writing advice:

The audience will undergo only the journey that the hero undergoes… Similarly, the audience will not suffer, wonder, discover, or rejoice to any extent greater than that to which the writer has been subjected. To suggest that the writer can, through exercise of craft, evade or avoid the struggle of creation is an error congruent with confounding the study of theology with prayer.

In other words, you have to have gone through what your characters go through, or at least your protagonist. Not necessarily literally, but definitely on an emotional level – clearly not everyone has to be Paul Schrader, depressed and living out of his car while scribbling down TAXI DRIVER.

In the case of ABOUT LAST NIGHT, however, there’s not much chance that Mamet, either of the two credited screenwriters or the viewer themselves haven't been through at least some of what our heroes face. It’s a pretty by-the-numbers account of well-worn romantic comedy/drama tropes, uncovering little that won’t be familiar, even if just from other movies.

To wit: 

– An act one, getting-to-know-each-other montage, set to a song that seems to be called ‘So Far So Good’ and contains the lyrics "We've no way of knowing / How far this is going / If this isn't love / Then it's in the neighbourhood".

– The male and female pals discuss the politics of men telephoning women: frequency, proximity to how recently the lovers met, etc.

– Moore turns up at Lowe's door but and then insists that she's not coming in, no way, uh-uh. Smash cut to them having sex in an empty bathtub with the built-in shower on full blast.

– A moving-in-together sequence that features much dropping of boxes, and is set to another cheesy song that opines, "And it feels like a home / Though we've just begun / Ain’t it lucky / That we lucked into one another?"

– When Lowe's boss makes an unreasonable demand of him, Lowe replies, "Fuck you!", to which his employer responds, "Fuck me? Fuck you!"

– "I love you" changes everything and is uttered at the exact halfway point, dividing the movie neatly into a ‘will this get serious?’ half followed by a ‘will they go the distance?’ one.

– That second half is full of suspicion and arguments and is waaaaay less fun than the first.

There were few stars more attractive than post-BLAME IT ON RIO, pre-STRIPTEASE Demi Moore, and here her combustive mixture of endearing cuteness and gravel-voiced derision make up for Lowe's blandness – an actor who really only found his voice post-Brat Pack, a couple of seasons into TV's The West Wing. 

Belushi, meanwhile, is billed as ‘James’ and not ‘Jim’, which usually indicates a dramatic role, but here he’s mostly slobbish comic relief and equips himself ably. Ditto an hilarious Elizabeth Perkins, who really deserves to be known for more than playing Wilma Flintstone and for seducing a 12-year-old boy in BIG.

So all in all, ABOUT LAST NIGHT isn't terrible. But in terms of films based on David Mamet plays, it's certainly no GLENGARRY GLEN ROSS – which I'm surprised upon adapting no one wanted to rename something less ambiguous, like REAL ESTATE WARS or FIVE ANGRY MEN.

Final thought: the title of this movie is uttered out loud by the characters several times, should you be after a new drinking game.

Three stars out of five.

Valid use of the word ‘last’?  Not really, as we’re talking about a love affair and not a one-night stand. But I guess it’s catchier than ABOUT ALL THOSE PREVIOUS NIGHTS WE’VE SPENT TOGETHER DURING WHICH SOME THINGS HAPPENED …

What would a movie called ABOUT FIRST NIGHT be about?  That would be the ideal title for a behind-the-scenes DVD feature on the Sean Connery/Richard Gere 1995 Arthurian romp FIRST KNIGHT.

Previously:  THE LAST MAN ON EARTH

Next time:  THE LAST DAYS OF AMERICAN CRIME

Check out my books:  Jonathanlastauthor.com

THE LAST TIME I SAW PARIS (1954, Richard Brooks)

 

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An American journalist settles down with a beautiful woman in mid-20^th Century Paris, but not all is gay in Paree.

Starring  Van Johnson, Elizabeth Taylor, Walter Pidgeon, Donna Reed, Roger Moore

Written by  Julius J Epstein, Philip G Epstein, Richard Brooks   

Produced by  Jack Cummings

Duration  116 minutes   

According to Amazon Prime, theirs is the ‘unedited original version’ of THE LAST TIME I SAW PARIS. OK, so what’s the difference? The internet yielded no answers, so I’m left speculating. 

Was there once a clamouring to see the director’s definitive version, like with BLADE RUNNER or NIGHTBREED? If so, why was it held back from us and how has that restriction changed?

Or, is it like how my DVD of THE LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT (1972) declares that it is ‘uncut for the first time in the UK?’ But what exactly could have been so scandalous in a movie from 1954 that it had to be sliced out? Was there too much of Elizabeth Taylor’s ankle shown? Enough so that Richard Burton burst into the Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer lot in a drunken rage and demanded that all the offending footage be burned, and only after his death in 1984 did prints with those two inches of white flesh restored see the light of day?

The mystery rages on, but judging by the terrible visual quality of the Prime version, I’m deducing the subtitle to mean that it’s from some kind of original print. This may get cinema historians’ knickers twisted into a pretzel, but my reaction was that I hadn’t seen such poor quality since the video nasty-era of dodgy copied VHSs. Obviously this movie is nothing like I SPIT ON YOUR GRAVE or THE DRILLER KILLER – however, I will admit that, by the end, I was almost hoping for Abel Ferrara to leap out and put me out of my misery by going nuts on the cast with a raging Black & Decker.

Yes, having now sat through the thing, I can’t for the life of me see why any version of THE LAST TIME I SAW PARIS would warrant celebrating.

It’s based on material by F Scott Fitzgerald, which is encouraging, or rather it was before I watched the movie. Beyond the novels like The Great Gatsby (good), Tender is the Night (bad) and The Last Tycoon (unfinished), Fitzgerald also churned out loads of short stories.

Those bite-sized fictions were dismissed by critics as cash-grabs rather than having any artistic merit, but I very much enjoyed his ones set in Hollywood. They revolve around down-and-out alcoholic screenwriter Pat Hobby, once known as ‘a good man for structure’, now reduced to hanging around the studio lot like a discarded piece of a long-forgotten set dressing. Check them out! 

Anyway, it’s one of Fitzgerald’s other short stories that THE LAST TIME I SAW PARIS is based on. The story, as we see in this adaptation, has American journalist Van Johnson feeling driven to stay on in Paris as WWII comes to a close (in Europe, at least) when he gets caught between the lanes of Donna Reed (wowzer) and her sister, Liz Taylor (double wowzer). What a dilemma – it’s kind of like the arduous bind Rene Zelweger faces in BRIDGET JONES’S DIARY: how to choose between dashing, suave, rich Hugh Grant or suave, dashing Colin Firth, who also isn’t short of a few quid.

So, Van swerves his way around his first world problems in post-Second World War France. One really feels for his plight, enduring hardships like Liz snuggling up to him on a bench at dawn beside the Seine and whispering to him, ‘I like the way you kiss me.’

After meandering around for ages in search of some conflict, the movie takes a sudden dive into heavy-handed melodrama. We skim through the years at quite a clip, with a succession of failed novels leading wannabe-writer Van to the bottle, which fuels his resentment for his effervescent wife as he inexplicably steers himself away from one of the most desirable women who ever lived.

Then, before Van can give his head the MOT it sorely needs, his suspension gets truly fucked when the neglected Liz starts fooling around with a baby-faced Roger Moore, playing a dashing tennis pro. And then, she only goes and dies of pneumonia, in an incident that’s pretty much Van the Man's fault, sending him into the head-on collision of a custody battle for their daughter against her aunt – who, you'll recall, our lunkheaded hero part-exchanged back when it looked like this movie might actually have some decent mileage.

THE LAST TIME I SAW PARIS is the answer to the question, ‘What if CASABLANCA had been two hours of Rick and Ilsa's French flashbacks, except they got married and ended up being miserable?’ Not something I think anyone's ever asked for.

It’s exhausting stuff, and I’m left with only enough energy to plead that the next time Hollywood decides to adapt Fitzgerald, instead of another tepid tale like this or taking a stab at Gatsby yet again, we get something a bit more light-hearted. So how about The Complete Adventures of Pat Hobby then, eh? Ah, go on!

Two stars out of five.

Valid use of the word ‘last’?  By the end of the movie, Van has his daughter back in the passenger seat and is adamant that they will take the exit ramp away from France for good and motor off to a new life back in America.

What would a movie called THE FIRST TIME I SAW PARIS be about?  For me, it was circa 2000 on a school trip; went to Disneyland Paris, too. What a time.

Previously:  THE LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT

Next time:  LAST KNIGHTS

Check out my books:  Jonathanlastauthor.com