THE LAST TYCOON (1976, Elia Kazan)

 

* * 

The day-to-day challenges faced by a movie producer. Not as interesting as that sounds.

Starring  Robert De Niro, Tony Curtis, Robert Mitchum, Jack Nicholson, Donald Pleasence

Written by  Harold Pinter   

Produced by  Sam Spiegel

Duration  123 minutes   

 

 

Are older movies slower? Are they, dare I say it ... more boring?

So, recently I was watching HALLOWEEN III: SEASON OF THE WITCH with an audio commentary by writer/director Tommy Lee Wallace. At one point Wallace reflects on what he would change about the movie. "I'd make it faster," he says. "By today's standards, it just feels so slow."

Now, HALLOWEEN III came out in 1982. That commentary was recorded for the 2022 special edition Blu-ray. That's a 40-year gap in expectations of film pacing. So what does that mean for ones made even further back? Fifty, 60, even 70 years?

I don't personally mind the pace of HALLOWEEN III. My 10-year-old son might struggle; we'll see, when he's old enough for his proper cinema education to begin. And I'm certainly not saying that the kind of hyperactive 'content' (shudder) his generation enjoys is an improvement.

But yes, I do often struggle with old films, anything earlier than about 1960.

Look, you've got your CITIZEN KANEs and your CASABLANCAs; your 12 ANGRY MENs and ON THE WATERFRONTs. No issues there. But the majority of so-called classics do test the modern viewer's patience.

THE LAST TYCOON is a little more recent than those I just mentioned, coming from 1976. But the movie actually positions itself further into the past. This is a feature in common with many older movies: not only were they made a while ago, they're set in bygone eras.

I'm talking about things like:

– SINGIN' IN THE RAIN: released 1952, set in 1927 (25 years prior). 

– GONE WITH THE WIND: released 1939, set in 1861 (78 years prior).

– THE SEARCHERS: released 1956, set in 1968 (88 years prior). 

– BEN-HUR: released 1959, set in 26AD (1,933 years prior!)

No wonder those movies feel so slow; they're not only old now, they were old back then! Whereas the likes of KANE, CASABLANCA etc all take place in their contemporary period.

LAST TYCOON, meanwhile, is set sometime in the 1930s, the so-called 'Golden Age' of Hollywood. And I'm afraid it does nothing to disprove my old-is-slow theory. One-word review: snoozefest.

The plot, such as it is, follows studio executive Monroe Stahr (Robert De Niro), a much-respected 'production genius'. Stahr has several hassles: demanding writer Donald Pleasance; ambitious starlet Theresa Russell; and many other movie studio problems, none of them very compelling.

At one point, Jack Nicholson turns up and attempts to inject some life into proceedings, but even he can't provide THE LAST TYCOON with a pulse. 

This was the final release from ON THE WATERFRONT director Elia Kazan. You can practically feel the old guy falling asleep behind the camera; it's a wonder the frame never suddenly tilts down as Kazan slumps onto his Panaflex for his afternoon nap.

Yes, this movie is slow. Slooo-ow. Much of TYCOON follows Stahr romancing a young actress. Their courtship has all the energy of a movie left on pause overnight. She's British, so of course is posh, inert and frigid – right up to the moment she suddenly takes all her clothes off. Stahr responds in kind, somehow removing his shirt, tie and jacket in one motion, a moment that recalls Leslie Nielsen's Frank Drebbin.

De Niro, who I usually love, is tragically miscast: his intensity weighs this lead balloon down even more. The movie is crying out for a lighter touch, some easy-going charm. Robert Redford would have been perfect. Or Warren Beatty? Hell, even Burt Reynolds might have pulled it off.

But things do happen in THE LAST TYCOON, surely? Well, of course. De Niro repeatedly walks around his half-built beachside house, a metaphor for ... something. Bob and Jack play an aggressive game of outdoor table tennis. Head exec Robert Mitchum's daughter opens his closet and a naked woman topples out. De Niro gets drunk on scotch and soda then throws up in his own swimming pool (not sure we've ever seen Bobby D hammered before; possibly in MEAN STREETS?)

The whole movie-exec-in-strife thing is handled much more entertainingly in the later HAIL CAESAR (2016). Heck, even 1992's THE PLAYER is more compelling, and that followed TYCOON by less than two decades.

F Scott Fitzgerald wrote the novel upon which this movie is based, and I mentioned his amusing short stories about fictional screenwriter Pat Hobby in a previous review. 

Except, old F Scott never actually finished that TYCOON novel, dying of a heart attack first. Quite why uber-producer Sam Spiegel elected to option an only three-quarters-done book is beyond me. 

But let's just say that if the movie had remained unfinished, the world wouldn't have missed out on much.

Two stars out of five.
 

 

Valid use of the word ‘last’?  Who is supposed to be the last of what here? Is it Stahr, and is he really a 'tycoon'? Overall, confusing.

What would a movie called THE FIRST TYCOON be like?  There's a biography out there called The First Tycoon: The Epic Life of Cornelius Vanderbilt, by TJ Stiles. Maybe someone should film that? Hey, it could be the directorial debut of Zoe Kazan, Elia Kazan's granddaughter. (Similar to how she's writing and producing a new adaptation of East of Eden for Netflix, 70 years after it was made into a movie by Elia.) 

Previously:  THE LAST RIGHT

Check out my books:  Jonathanlastauthor.com

LAST SEEN ALIVE (2022, Brian Goodman)

 

* * 

A man's wife disappears after they stop off at a petrol station. As he tries to track her down, he starts to believe she's been kidnapped.

Starring  Gerard Butler, Jaimie Alexander, Russell Hornsby, Ethan Embry

Written by  Marc Frydman

Produced by  Gerard Butler, Taylor Conrod, Marc Frydman, Brian Pitt

Duration  95 minutes

Not everyone makes it as an actor. I don't know the statistics, but the ones who can't carve out a successful living vastly outnumber the ones who can.

What this means is that many people work elsewhere before they get their SAF-AFTRA or Equity card punched. Usually, you think of waitressing, bar work, driving a cab, retail, that kind of thing. Flexible shifts, able to accommodate auditions, held onto until the time comes to make that leap and give up the day job.

But for some wannabe thespians, it goes further. Some of those who are now marquee names had whole careers mapped out before they fully pivoted to the artistic life.

Take Gerard Butler. He studied to be a lawyer. That means that somewhere out there, in an alternate universe, there are people having their legal issues sorted out by the star of 300, OLYMPUS HAS FALLEN and DEN OF THIEVES 2: PANTERA.

Other actors with regular – and perhaps surprising – jobs before they made it include Steve Buscemi (firefighter), Terry Crews (courtroom sketch artist), Whoopi Goldberg (mortuary beautician) and Sean Connery (milkman). And I'd be remiss if I didn’t mention perhaps the most famous example: Harrison Ford, carpenter.

Now, there are certain things you expect from all those professions. If you hired Gerard Butler as your lawyer, you would expect him to know his stuff: to be competently trained in helping you with your housing dispute, or your probate claim, or whatever.

And, it follows, we viewers similarly have certain expectations from a genre movie. Such as an action thriller, an example of which we have here with LAST SEEN ALIVE.

So, for my viewing of this film, I decided to keep a tally of three things: 

– tropes (part of the genre, accepted and expected) 

– clichés (lazy, obvious, trite) and 

– anything original (unexpected, memorable – possibly a fresh spin on the previous two).

I wasn't too confident, since a) I'd never heard of LAST SEEN ALIVE, despite taking a casual interest in Butler's career (my wife fancies him a bit), and b) its plot sounds exactly like BREAKDOWN, that 1997 Kurt Russell thriller from the director of TERMINATOR 3: RISE OF THE MACHINES.

Nevertheless, here we go.


Tropes:

– A cold opening, in medias res. A cop holding a beat-up bad guy by the throat in the back of a car. The guy declares: "She's already dead!"

– The movie's central couple are going through a rough patch: she cheated on him, they've had marriage counselling. They're driving to her parents' house for him to drop her off so they can go on a break. He doesn't like his in-laws.

– Butler, like many action heroes of yesteryear (Arnie, Dolph, Van Damme), is not American. And he doesn't quite sound American here, either. But at the same time, he's certainly not using his native accent. In this way he most closely resembles Jason Statham (it's Scottish for Butler, English for Jason – albeit not Cockney as many think, since he's actually from Derbyshire).

– No one admits to any wrongdoing when Butler confronts them.

– The cops eye Butler with suspicion, including in a tense scene where he gets pulled over with a bad guy bound and gagging in the boot of his car.

– Butler sneaks around, hiding from both the baddies and the cops.

– A meth lab explodes. Well, what are meth labs good for if they don't explode? (In this case, an explosion done with terrible post-production CGI.)

Total: 7


Cliches:

– Workaholic Butler is introduced on his mobile phone saying, "No, you can't pull out of the deal!"

– The camera lingers a little too long on supporting characters, making them seem more significant than just a petrol station attendant or a clerk; making them seem suspicious.

– The cops don't take him seriously, at first.

– His wife's parents think that he is somehow to blame for her disappearance.

– The film for some reason thinks we need 'fill in the blanks' flashbacks about Butler and his missus. They are meant to add depth to the central relationship, but instead puncture the tension.

– There is no CCTV footage from the petrol station where she was last seen (alive), owing to the camera being conveniently broken. Except ... is it really?!

– The current time flashes up in the bottom left-hand corner of the screen. It doesn't really add anything, either to the story or the tension.

– The bad guys turn out to be hillbilly redneck dealer-types.

– Upon finding a pistol, non-gun user Butler turns out to be an expert marksman.

Total: 8

Originals:

– Butler and wife are driving with cheesy easy-listening playing from the radio. I expected him to complain, but it's she who asks for it to be turned off!

– Her not being a saintly damsel in distress, having committed adultery.

– The focus on the strains in their relationship, particularly her mental health struggles.

– The cop turns out to be in on the plot. Maybe this isn't so original, but I was surprised. Although that might have been because I wasn't really paying attention.

Total: 4

So, not a great ratio, unfortunately.

One last thing. Just when I had begun to believe that LAST SEEN ALIVE was totally bland and forgettable, with nothing distinctive about it, I saw this post from Butler:

I'll let you in on a little secret. I took this movie on as a fun challenge/experiment. I improvised the whole movie. 

I was only ever shown the first ten pages and even they were thrown away once we were on set. We shot the movie in 8 days. I was drawn to the idea of how it would feel stepping into scene after scene having no idea what was gonna be thrown at me. I've never taken on anything like that and it was both challenging and exhilarating. You can't help but be in the moment.

Obviously there were certain parts where I would have to be guided in a general direction but mostly it was flying by the seat of my pants. Amazing work by the rest of the cast having to play off me given I had no idea what was about to come out of my mouth.

So, Counsellor Butler, as part of my cross-examination, allow me to ask you this. How come this challenging and exhilarating way of working produced something so dull and generic?

Two stars out of five.

 

Valid use of the word ‘last’?  Yeah, it works.

What would a movie called FIRST SEEN ALIVE be about?  A documentary of interviews with people who have only just seen plane-crash cannibalism movie ALIVE (1993).

 

Previously:  THE LAST SHARKNADO: IT’S ABOUT TIME

Next time:  THE LAST RIGHT

Check out my books:  Jonathanlastauthor.com

THE LAST HEIST (2016, Mike Mendez)

 

* * 

Some criminals try to take money from a bank that isn't theirs.

Starring  Henry Rollins, Torrance Coombs, Victoria Pratt

Written by  Guy Stevenson

Produced by  Rick Benattar, Nigel Thomas

Duration  84 minutes

 

 

I must confess, I'd never heard of THE LAST HEIST. Wait, neither had you? Well, that's all right then!

So of course, the first thing I did was look the movie up on IMDb. And I found exactly one item of interest. There was a spate of movies with the same or similar names released within a six-year period. THE LAST HEIST itself in 2016 was followed by ONE LAST LAST HEIST in 2019 (not a sequel) and then THE LAST HEIST in 2022 (not a remake).

Does a few heist movies coming out around the same time constitute a trend? Sure, why not! And if so, what's to stop me now listing some other movie trends from years gone by – you know, ones that people actually noticed? 

All right then, here we go:

– Bleak and violent depictions of the Vietnam War: PLATOON (1986), FULL METAL JACKET, HAMBURGER HILL (both 1987).

– Underwater thrillers where explorers discover strange new creatures deep in the ocean: THE ABYSS, DEEPSTAR SIX, LEVIATHAN (all 1989).

– Disaster films about volcanic eruptions: DANTE'S PEAK, VOLCANO (both 1997)

– Disaster films about an asteroid hurtling toward Earth: DEEP IMPACT, ARMAGEDDON (both 1998).

– Films in which a person or person's lives are broadcast on TV: THE TRUMAN SHOW, PLEASANTVILLE (both 1998), EDTV (1999).

– Science fiction films questioning what is real or an illusion: THE MATRIX, THE THIRTEENTH FLOOR, EXISTENZ (all 1999).

– Modern-day Shakespeare adaptations featuring Julia Stiles: 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT YOU (1999), HAMLET (2000), O (2001).

– Science fiction adventure films about Mars: MISSION TO MARS, RED PLANET (both 2000), GHOSTS OF MARS (2001).

– Romantic comedies about friends who start a casual sexual relationship and end up falling in love: NO STRINGS ATTACHED, FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS (both 2011).

– Films about American nuns in Rome who are pregnant with the antichrist: THE FIRST OMEN, IMMACULATE (both 2024).

Plus let's not forget Gene Hackman's bizarre late-career choices.

Honestly though, the trend THE LAST HEIST fits into isn't really bank robbery movies. It's movies you find on streaming that you can't imagine people watching. Which is a pretty big trend, and not one likely to end any time soon.

Seriously, why would anyone put this movie on? If you had the urge to see criminals breaking into places, why would you choose THE LAST HEIST ahead of the numerous better alternatives? OCEAN'S ELEVEN, KILLING ZOE, INSIDE MAN, DOG DAY AFTERNOON, POINT BREAK, THE LAST DAYS OF AMERICAN CRIME ... actually, scrap that last one.

Maybe you would watch it to give yourself a new drinking game, one that revolves around spotting action movie clichés? I'm not going to attempt to list all THE LAST HEIST's crimes against originality, but here's a representative example: "You can't shoot me, you've got the safety on!" I'm sure you know the trope, but more details and some other guilty films can be found here.

Maybe you love hearing unimaginative dialogue? Such as: 

– "It’s showtime!" 

– "Did you get the stuff?"

– And this tried-and-tested exchange: "Fuck you!" "Fuck me? No, fuck you!"

Or perhaps unrealistic character choices are more your speed? My favourite: cop has a gun on someone from a safe distance, but elects to unnecessarily approach them, allowing himself to be disarmed and shot with his own weapon. 

Maybe you want to see THE LAST HEIST because it's a case study in how modern digital effects allow low-budget action films to both be more ambitious and look much cheaper? The guns here are never actually fired: flame bursts and rat-a-tat noises are added in post-production. Handguns never cycle their rounds; smoke and ejected shell casings are CGI.

Or could it be you'd watch this movie for Henry Rollins? I'd never heard of the man, but the copy surrounding the movie presents him as some sort of name. He seems to be channelling the creepy calm of Christian Bale's Patrick Bateman, from AMERICAN PSYCHO, pinstripe suit and everything. Except that he looks like a nerdy bespectacled stockbroker, rather than the buffed-up alpha bro type. His performance is definitely a highlight.

And here's where I must give THE LAST HEIST some credit for putting at least one original spin on the bank robbery formula. Rollins plays a hostage who is really a serial killer and who breaks loose to roam the bank's back offices, picking off the robbers and becoming as big an adversary to them as the cops outside. So, kind of if John McClane had ended up being a psycho.

You know, come to think of it, it's funny how DIE HARD isn't considered a heist flick. And in fact, as THE LAST HEIST trundles along, it ends up owing quite a debt to that action classic.

Stop me if you've heard any of this before:

– The robbers are after bearer bonds. 

– There's one good cop on the outside, who sees through the thieves' plan.

– Later, macho specialists turn up and claim jurisdiction, with a strategy that pays no regard to civilian casualties.

– There's a name gag to rival "Agents Johnson and Johnson ... no relation", with characters called Smith and Jones. 

– It's even set in Los Angeles, though it probably wasn't filmed there.

Anyway, THE LAST HEIST earns its extra star for Rollins and for at least attempting to do something new within a deeply worn formula. And also for the curveball ending where it lets the bad guy win.

Oh, sorry – spoiler for a film you've never heard of and are never going to watch.

Two stars out of five.

 

 

Valid use of the word ‘last’?  There will be other heists, but none carried out by this crew.

What would a movie called THE FIRST HEIST be like?  OCEAN'S ONE?

 

Previously:  EVERY LAST ONE OF THEM

Next time:  THE LAST MOVIE STAR 

Check out my books:  Jonathanlastauthor.com

THE LAST TIME I COMMITTED SUICIDE (1997, Stephen T Kay)

 

* * 

The rambling tale of one man's ramblings, in a movie that strains desperately to make us care. 

Starring  Thomas Jane, Keanu Reeves, Adrien Brody, John Doe, Claire Forlani

Written by  Stephen T Kay

Produced by  Edward Bates, Louise Rosner   

Duration  92 minutes   

Famously, we're told never to judge a book by its cover. So, I suppose we shouldn't judge a film by its title, either. But when that title is as distinctive as THE LAST TIME I COMMITTED SUICIDE, it's kind of hard not to.

It's a title that suggests a movie that will deal with controversial subject matter in a quirky way. FOUR LIONS (2010) is, I would say, the all-timer example of this. Suicide-bomber comedy is not likely to ever be a category on Netflix, but director Chris Morris manages to pull off the headline-baiting premise, while making a star out of Riz Ahmed along the way.

CITIZEN RUTH (1996) is another one. Alexander Payne made his debut with a black comedy that puts Laura Dern's pregnant and dim-witted title character at the centre of the highly combustible abortion debate. Oh, and there was "shit, dude, I've got cancer!" movie 50/50 (2011), from that period when Joseph Gordon Levitt was starring in comedy pictures with Seth Rogan.

I reckon the best scenario for THE LAST TIME I COMMITTED SUICIDE would've been if it turned out to be a mid-90s version of the 1985 teen suicide comedy BETTER OFF DEAD, with Keanu Reeves taking over from John Cusack. Instead of trying to hang himself in his parent's garage, it could be Keanu, dressed in John Wickian suit, comically trying and repeatedly failing to shoot himself in the head with one of his many guns. Or dressing up as Neo from THE MATRIX, proclaiming "I need an exit!" and then jumping off a bridge. Um, anyway, more on Mr Reeves later.

What we actually got with this movie sadly turned out to be something pretty terrible.

OK, perhaps that's a little strong. But there's no escaping that upon on actually watching THE LAST TIME I COMMITTED SUICIDE, my first impression was bad and things only got worse from there. And it was nothing to do with how the movie deals with sensitive issues. The next few paragraphs recount my first impressions in a kind of stream of consciousness – a jazzy riff, if you will.

So, what do we have here. Thomas Jane is wandering around his apartment mumbling to himself, with black and white photography and an excruciating jazz score. Man, I hate jazz. Jane sounds like he's running lines or something? Is he an actor? Then he sits down at his typewriter and types something. So, a writer.

OK, so now it's settled into colour. Jane is waiting to be let in somewhere, holding flowers. He starts the scene with a voiceover, it sounds like maybe he's reciting poetry? No, he's talking about the young woman he's visiting in what turns out to be a hospital, after some unspoken incident, an accident we assume.

The early scenes trickle by in kind of a mannered, wannabe Coen brothers style. Jane is pretty manic. In what is presumably a flashback, he comes to his girlfriend's office to take her out for lunch – "But it's 4pm!" she protests. He answers her phone for her, dances with the coat rack, affects a British accent, that sort of thing. Crazy guy; what I mean is, annoying.

There's a kind of retro feel, too: the ever-present annoying jazz, how everyone seems to use typewriters, not just him, it doesn't seem to be an eccentricity.

Wait, is this one of those beat poet things? I tried to read On the Road once and didn't make it very far. Too loose and dull and directionless.

Yes, it turns out the script was based on a 1950 letter written by Neal Cassady to Jack Kerouac. Who the hell was Neal Cassady? I'd never heard of the bloke but, according to Wikipedia, he was "a major figure of the Beat Generation of the 1950s and the psychedelic and counterculture movements of the 1960s". The reason he was obscure to me was that "he published only two short fragments of prose in his lifetime, but exerted considerable intellectual and stylistic influence through his conversation and correspondence."

This movie is apparently based on some of that correspondence. Boy, those must have been some long letters. Thousands of words, apparently. So that makes this movie less like adapting a tax rebate from HMRC and more tackling a short story.

(Oh wait, the girlfriend, it wasn't an accident – I get it now! It was a suicide attempt, hence the title of the movie. Can't say I blame her, going out with this tool.)

The only thing to have come out of this beat generation business that does anything for me is David Cronenberg’s NAKED LUNCH. Actually, I remember going on to read William Burroughs' source novel, then possibly Junk as well, if I recall. Those were OK; totally bonkers, but interesting and lively.

But still, this kind of all-over-the-place, jittery, motormouth vibe is too much for me. THE LAST TIME I COMMITTED SUICIDE embraces this approach wholeheartedly, with the camera spinning around like it's manned by a hyperactive child, editing stuffed with jump cuts back and forth in time, and yet more of that bloody awful jazz. And Jane's performance: cigarette always in hand, talking to himself, reciting things he's hoping to write (but I guess never does?), absorbed in how witty, urbane and original he believes himself to be.

And the final thing that put me off was that this Neal Cassidy abandons his girlfriend in the hospital to go joyriding with a co-starring Keanu, Amy Smart and some other girl of high school age. Not cool, daddio ... or sport, or whatever it was these beat generation types called each other. 

That's about all I have to say about THE LAST TIME I COMMITTED SUICIDE. Just a few closing words now about two actors.

Adrien Brody wanders into the film at one point, presumably around the time he was auditioning for THE THIN RED LINE. And I started wishing I was watching that movie instead. Wait a sec, Jane was in THIN RED LINE, too! They probably ran through scenes together. And then, after it came out, consoled each other over shots of bourbon in a grimy bar, complaining about how they both ended up with less screen time than some limey who only lasted one season in the British sitcom Game On.

And what of Mr Reeves in this movie? Sad to say, but he sticks out, like he always does. He pops up as Neal's pool-playing pal and joins him in drinking and talking, then pausing to have another drink before talking some more.

Look, there's no doubts about Keanu being A Really Nice Guy. After all, everyone knows he lives out of a suitcase and donates all of his acting royalties to charity (citation needed).

But it's always him in a movie, no matter who he is ostensibly playing. In MUCH ADO ABOUT NOTHING, he's Keanu doing school play Shakespeare. In BRAM STOKER'S DRACULA, he's Keanu with a wobbly English accent. And in this, he's Keanu in the 1950s, yet still sounding like a laidback surfer dude.

But despite that, I was glad to see him. He at least made this dross tolerable. Just about.

Two stars out of five. 

 

Valid use of the word ‘last’?  I think Jane actually uses this oh-so-amusing phrase at one point? It was hard to pick up among the rest of the never-ending voiceover.

What would a movie called THE FIRST TIME I COMMITTED SUICIDE be like?  There would be less rambling, you'd expect, and hopefully no jazz. Unless they played it at the damned funeral.

 

Previously:  THE LAST BUS

Next time:  LAST OF THE GRADS

Check out my books:  Jonathanlastauthor.com

LAST THREE DAYS (2020, Brian Ulrich)

* * 

A rookie narcotics cop inadvertently starts jumping back and forth through time.

Starring  Robert Palmer Watkins, Thomas Wilson Brown, Deborah Lee Smith, Roy Huang

Written by  Brian Ulrich

Produced by  Brian Ulrich, Julianna Ulrich, Jonathan M Black

Duration  86 minutes

 

 

I've tried to avoid doing these reviews in a predicable, bog-standard 'and then this happens, and then that happens' style. But for LAST THREE DAYS, I'm going to do exactly that, for better or for worse. 

Let's see how we get on!

Monday, 22st, a title card tells us. We're in a house, it looks like a crime has taken place. Empty beer bottles, furniture knocked over. Expended shell casings, a discarded handgun. Jack, a police officer and our protagonist, is there, and his colleagues soon burst in and pull their guns on him. Uh-oh; what have you done, Jack? He pleads innocence, but whatever has gone down here, the evidence against the young cop is pretty damning.

Then it's seven years ago. College-student Jack is in shorts, sitting underneath a tree, study books open. Then a pretty girl turns up and tells him that this is her favourite study spot. Jack agrees to let her sit there if he can take her out to dinner. She tells him she's writing an essay on the nature of time and memories; the audience is invited to believe that this is relevant to her nursing degree, not just clumsy plot foreshadowing. Jack, meanwhile, is majoring in criminal law and aspires to be a top detective.

They walk and talk and flirt. He gets her name and number. She's Beth. We montage through their relationship. Soon they're married, moving in together, now indeed working as police officer and nurse.

Then it's seven years later again, this time Wednesday, 17th. Beth comes home from her nursing job to an exposition-rich noticeboard, where she's marked that it's been 'Five days without Jack', and also that it's soon going to be their fifth wedding anniversary.

Then we’re with Jack and his veteran partner, Dave, busting into a drug dealer's house. "Sometimes in life we're given second chances," Jack informs the perp while cuffing him. "What we do with them … is up to us." Philosopher as well as lawman is our Jack.

Meanwhile, Beth is still waiting for Jack to come home. Instead, he goes to play cards with his cop buddies in a bar. They talk about local gang warfare, specifically the Japanese 'Yakus'. (Is ‘Yakuza’ a trademark or something? Or did the filmmakers want to avoid upsetting a real/real dangerous group?). Jack gets a call from the missus, wondering if he is ever coming home. He argues that as the newest member of the team he needs to socialise with his colleagues to build trust.

Beth hangs up. She is working late too, getting relationship advice from an older colleague, who insists that Jack does still love her.

Then it's the next day, Thursday, 18th. Jack assures Beth via text that he will be home tonight. Later, he and Dave meet up with a young Japanese woman to try and find out about the Yakus' next move. 

Davey Boy is a bit too cavalier for Jack: he boasts about not caring about doing a bust without a warrant or breaking any other rules, if it means they gets a result. But Jack nevertheless assures his increasingly dodgy-seeming partner that he does have his back. So, he agrees to go out for yet another drink after work – neglecting poor Beth for the umpteenth time, leaving her alone dressed in her best sexy outfit and nursing (no pun intended) a cold steak dinner. Jack didn't even realise that it's their anniversary today! 

And when he comes home drunk and accuses her of not respecting him, she accuses him of turning into his father, which he’s mentioned is his worst nightmare. So, Jack storms out again and catches up with Dave and the others in a strip bar. You can now mark 'strip bar' off from your cop movie clichés bingo card.

Next morning, Jack wakes up hungover in his own house, but alone: no Beth. And it turns out that rather than being Friday morning like it should be, it's actually Monday, 22nd! So just what the hell has happened to the LAST THREE DAYS?

He goes to Dave's house and finds it dishevelled; in fact, we're now back at the setup from the start of the movie. Jack's own gun is in the vicinity, as is a sexy photo Beth gave him of herself way back in the day. And when he plays Dave's answerphone messages, he hears Beth saying that she's left Jack and that she loves Dave! WTF?

Then a masked man bursts in and tries to shoot Jack, who shoots back. Before he can see if he's tagged him, Jack finds Dave’s bloodied corpse in the bathroom. When Jack's other cop pals turn up, it doesn't look good for our poor rookie. He legs it out the house but, in his haste, doesn't look both ways and is hit by a car.

Then Jack wakes in a dumpster, with no gun and a busted phone. But now when he checks the date on his watch it turns out that it's Sunday, 21st!

Jack happens upon (I guess?) some members of the Yaku and kidnaps one, getting out of him that they killed Dave and have framed Jack. And as for Beth, her whereabouts and whether that "I've left you for Dave" message was genuine? Jack still doesn't know!

After tussling with the Yakus, Jack races home and finds a "I still love you Jack, happy anniversary!" note from Beth. So, determined to piece together what the fuck is going on, Jack pulls down that exposition-tool whiteboard they have in their kitchen and starts doodling on it, lines and names and arrows, with dates and times. It’s a little like that scene with Doc Brown and the blackboard in BACK TO THE FUTURE PART II.

Then Jack wakes up again and it's Saturday now (the 20th – do try to keep up) and Dave is still alive. And Jack's getting into a car with Dave and asking him what's going on, when did he last see Beth? But Dave quickly moves the conversation onto work, specifically the against-protocol methods he wants to use to bust the Yakus.

Those include meeting their female informant (at least I think that’s what she was) with her Yaku pals in a warehouse. Soon, the female big boss Yaku emerges from the shadows. She doesn't trust Dave and at gunpoint forces him to admit that they're cops. (So, I guess they were undercover this whole time?) Then there's a shootout. The informant (?) girl is shot and the two cops run away. Then another shootout, on the pavement this time. Dave is hit, so gives Jack some incriminating evidence he has about the Yakus and tells him to take off. Then the Yakus call Dave "a real piece of shit" and shoot him dead.

Presently, Jack finds a payphone and tries calling Beth but can't get through. So, nursing a Yuka-administered gunshot wound, he goes to the hospital where she works. He doesn't find her, but, after collapsing due to blood loss, he is treated by Beth's nurse friend. The friend tells him that he had an unknown narcotic in his bloodstream – it's 'reaper', the new designer drug that the Yakus are dealing. Could they have slipped Jack some and that's what has been altering his perception of time?

We finally see where Beth is: staying with her dad. Jack rushes to her, but he's not in time to stop her getting kidnapped (pick up that bingo marker again) – and we see the Yaku forcing her at gunpoint to leave that cryptic answerphone message about leaving Jack and loving Dave.

Then it's the morning of Friday, the 19th. Alone again, Jack wakes up in bed and tries to call Beth – no answer! All seems lost. Jack meets Dave and tells him that he's off the case: "I've got a wife, man. It's time I started thinking about her." But Dave threatens him: turns out he's ultimately working for the Yakus, so wants to make sure Jack does what he's told, otherwise Dave will order his Yaku pals to hurt Beth. It's been/is/was/will be Dave who setting Jack up, all along! Damn, some partner!

The two of them tussle in a parking garage and Jack eventually gets the upper hand. He then has just 15 minutes to race to rescue Beth before she's due to be grabbed by one of Dave's/the Yaku's goons. He makes it, but she rejects his attempts at reconciliation.

But, no, wait a minute – in the movie’s final moments she kisses him in their kitchen as the sun sets through the window. These kids are gonna be all right, folks.

Phew, we made it! Blimey, that was hard work. Don't think I'll be doing that again any time soon.

Oh, and the film is OK, if a bit incoherent. Nothing amazing, but not one-star bad.

Two stars out of five.

 

 

Valid use of the word ‘last’?  Actually one of the more accurate uses I’ve come across. Although if I were to be pedantic, I'd say they should have gone for 'the previous'.

What would a movie called FIRST THREE DAYS be like?  In terms of cop movies, sounds like it would be a longer version of TRAINING DAY. A movie to which this one has been compared, to the extent that anyone but me has actually bothered writing about LAST THREE DAYS.

 

Previously:  I’LL ALWAYS KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER

Next time:  THE LAST KISS

Check out my books:  Jonathanlastauthor.com

THE LAST MOVIE (1971, Dennis Hopper)

 * * 

An American movie crew finishes shooting in Peru and then this one guy hangs around for a bit instead of going home.

Starring  Dennis Hopper, Peter Fonda, Kris Kristofferson, Michelle Phillips, Dean Stockwell

Written by  Stewart Stern

Produced by  Paul Lewis

Duration  108 minutes

 

Bruce Willis, HUDSON HAWK. Eddie Murphy, HARLEM NIGHTS. John Travolta, BATTLEFIELD EARTH. Mariah Carey, GLITTER. Steven Seagal, ON DEADLY GROUND. Michael Flatley, BLACKBIRD. Sylvester Stallone, PARADISE ALLEY. Vanilla Ice, COOL AS ICE.

You know what's fun? Listing movies that were embarrassing vanity projects. Especially BLACKBIRD. Wow.

Yes, this is when stars get so big that they are given carte blanche to make their dream project. Of course, they headline it. Often they (supposedly) contribute to the writing. Certainly they have some kind of producer's credit, and many make it their directorial debut: for the likes of Murphy, Seagel and – yes – ‘the Lord of the Dance’, it's been their sole turn behind the camera.

Research suggests that the ultimate vanity project is Jackie Chan's CHINESE ZODIAC (2012). According to Guinness World Records, it has the most credits for a single person in one motion picture, with a staggering 15. Chan is credited as writer, director, actor, producer, executive producer (?), cinematographer, art director, unit production manager, catering coordinator (??), stuntman, stunt coordinator, gaffer, composer, propmaster, and theme tune vocalist.

(Chan's movie – and truly it is his – also holds the title of Most Stunts by a Living Actor. Presumably the record for dead actors is a lot less hotly contested?)

All the vanity projects I mentioned above were critical and/or commercial disasters. But that's not always the case. Think Robert Duvall's THE APOSTLE, or Kevin Costner's DANCES WITH WOLVES. And Prince with PURPLE RAIN, although he did push his luck by subsequently directing UNDER THE CHERRY MOON. Um, wait a sec ... Costner went on to make THE POSTMAN. And Duvall later released something called ASSASSINATION TANGO, for a meagre box office return of $1.013 million. Maybe the trick is to only cut the ego loose once and then rein it back in again.

Anyway, that brings us to THE LAST MOVIE. In 1969, Dennis Hopper, alongside fellow counterculture icon Peter Fonda, unleashed EASY RIDER upon the world. It was an instant classic, defining a (dying) cultural movement with insight and cynicism, and raking in a whopping £60 million from a budget of £400,000.

EASY RIDER was Hopper's directorial debut, and with that level of success (it made 150 times what it cost) he had Universal Pictures clambering to throw £1 million and full creative control at him to make whatever he wanted next.

What he wanted to make was THE LAST MOVIE.

Dennis Hopper directed seven films in his lifetime. That's enough to be considered a body of work. Of course, he was an actor first and foremost, with over 200 credits. His directorial debut came at the relatively young age of 33, after only a handful of movie role and certainly before any as the lead. The final film he directed was 25 years after the first.

And yet despite this, I don't think many people think 'Dennis Hopper: The Director'. It's kind of hard to imagine him actually doing it, to be honest. You can accept EASY RIDER as a wild and loose one-off that didn't need, didn't want a steady hand. But it's hard to picture the spangled photographer in APOCALYPSE NOW or unhinged Frank Booth from BLUE VELVET as the calm, accountable figure in charge of running a movie set.

So, you'd assume THE LAST MOVIE is going to be bad, or at least a mess. Potentially as calamitous a follow-up as Duvall, Costner and Prince managed after their own lauded debuts. And for years, its iffy reputation suggested exactly that.

But wait. There's a twist. THE LAST MOVIE is one of those films that's had a critical reappraisal. No one rated CITIZEN KANE, BLADE RUNNER or THE SHINING on first release. THE THING was a flop. HEAVEN'S GATE was a disaster. Each is now held in high regard. (All correct except for HEAVEN'S GATE, which is still boring. And just for the record, I like THE POSTMAN.)

As ever, I had to watch this thing myself and make up my own mind. And it's fair to say that THE LAST MOVIE didn't convince me.

The signs weren't promising from the get-go. It starts by dropping us into an interminably long parade on the streets of a Peruvian town. Dennis is there, in the lead role (natch), and the poor sod looks as confused as we are as he wonders around among all the chanting and, um, parading. I'd say that the film has lost the plot, but that would be inaccurate, since there's not yet been any sign of one.

Somehow, it feels a bit like a Sam Peckinpah movie in this early stretch, the beginning of THE WILD BUNCH especially. Come to think of it, Hopper's image was pretty similar to Peckinpah's: the hard-drinking, drug-taking, live-wire rebel. He also looks as dishevelled and out-of-sorts as vintage Big Sam, and shares his affinity for shooting south of the border.

And in fact, now that I'm warming up to this kind-of hypothesis: since here our Dennis is playing a filmmaker, maybe THE LAST MOVIE is really some kind of indirect Peckinpah biopic? There's even some of the punctuating moments of slo-mo that the great man loved. And here's something else Peckinpah was known for: westerns. Which THE LAST MOVIE basically is. The dusty, wood-building town. Those shoot-outs. Horses. Hats and ponchos.

But, um, it’s also not. After all the western imagery, we pivot to funkadelic 1970's disco dancing. Someone gets their ear pierced. There's a general free-love, hippy vibe, with much singing along to acoustic guitar – sometimes as strummed by Kris Kristofferson.

Then I realised: the western bits are just the movie that Dennis's character is shooting! Oh right, OK, got it now. The town they're filming in looks like it's from a bygone era, but maybe that's just because it's Peru? Wait, wasn't Peru where Butch Cassidy and Sundance were trying to get to? Is that significant? Probably not.

But this isn't some kind of film-within-film thing. Because after 25 minutes of (pretty interminable) screen time, the movie being filmed wraps and the crew buggers off. Except for Dennis's character, who seems to have fallen in love with a local girl. They go for long walks in mountains straight out of THE SOUND OF MUSIC, including stopping off to romp under a waterfall where we are, um, treated to the sight of our director/star's bony white bottom. Thanks for that, Dennis old chum.

So he gives up his career as a ... whatever job he had on the film crew, to hang around with her, decked out in his ever-present hat/poncho combo. Mostly this involves the couple wandering around town or more mountains while holding hands. It goes on like this for quite a while. 

And as for the last hour of the film, I'm going to let Wikipedia do the work for me:

 

He [Hopper] thinks he has found paradise, but is soon called in to help in a bizarre incident: the Peruvian natives are 'filming' their own movie with 'cameras' made of sticks, and acting out real western movie violence, as they do not understand movie fakery.

It's kind of an interesting idea, I guess? If a bit patronising. But it doesn't really go anywhere. Instead, some vacationing Americans come to town and it becomes a hangout movie. Hopper and his lady start to argue, trouble arriving in paradise. He takes solace in helping the locals make their fake movie. I guess he's retreating into fiction to avoid facing a less-than-perfect reality? Is that the message?

That would probably be giving THE LAST MOVIE too much credit. Because suffice it to say, this is 100% another disastrous vanity project. And in terms of sophomore efforts, sadly director Hopper's is no PULP FICTION. Or THE TERMINATOR. Or SEVEN. Or, I don't know, even UPSTREAM COLOR or THE TOWN or something like that.

Two stars out of five.

 

Valid use of the word ‘last’? Clearly not, either for Hopper or wider culture.

What would a movie called THE FIRST MOVIE be about?  It was that one with the rocket hitting the moon, right? Or the train coming towards the screen and making the audience lose their shit?

Previously:  LAST DANCE 

Next time:  I’LL ALWAYS KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER

Check out my books:  Jonathanlastauthor.com

THE LAST DAYS ON MARS (2013, Ruairí Robinson)

 

* * 

Researchers on Earth's nearest neighbour encounter something that doesn't like them poking around it.

Starring  Liev Schreiber, Elias Koteas, Romola Garai, Olivia Williams

Written by  Clive Dawson

Produced by  Michael Kuhn, Andrea Cornwell

Duration  98 minutes   

 

Dear Mom,

I hope you enjoyed my first letter. I think there will probably be a third coming later, too.

Well, Mom, I finally did it. I emigrated to Mars! I know you said I'd never do it, but here I am.

The problem with Hollywood was, you can't move for wannabe screenwriters. The competition was just getting too much. So, after I sold all my possessions except the clothes on my back (and my Macbook, of course!) I could just about afford a fifth-class ticket on the very first commercial transit to the Red Colonies!

As you can imagine, onboard living conditions weren't exactly the best. It was like being below deck on the Titanic, except no Leo – sadly! And we made it on time – no "Meteor, right ahead!" or anything like that! And yeah, I'm not living in the best digs now that I've arrived, either, although it's better than my old apartment in the North Valley, that's for sure.

I'll tell you one good thing about that space journey, though. Three months is obviously a lot of time to kill. And so the ship laid plenty of free entertainment on us, including a wide selection of movie theatres. So, you can guess where I spent most of my time!

And I thought, you know what, it's a great opportunity to do some research. Because, ma (and this won't surprise you much either), this whole time I've been thinking about my next screenplay project. I'm gonna write the definitive Mars movie! And wouldn't you know it – one of the theatres had a series of movies set on my new red home. Talk about a great chance to get inspired!

I tried to learn something from each one of those Mars movies, and, now I've set foot on red soil, compare it to the reality.

For example, they screened THE MARTIAN, that one with Matt Damon. Now, I know I'm not gonna get left alone here like he was, since there were more than 5,000 in my space cruiser alone and there's at least another dozen more of those besides.

And I didn't see any zombie types on the shuttle bus out to the colony, so we're not in a GHOSTS OF MARS situation, either! I had got the idea from TOTAL RECALL that Mars might be kinda dirty, with prostitutes and strip bars everywhere, but don't worry ma, it's nothing like that. Not the parts I've seen, anyway.

MARS NEEDS MOMS did have kind of a point, though. We do need to populate this place. I haven't had much of a chance to socialise yet, but maybe you'll someday be attending your first wedding on another planet? Would I have to wear a red tux?! But what Mars definitely doesn't need is any of the monster thingies from JOHN CARTER. Giant apes with two-foot fangs? No thank you!

I would say something about MISSION TO MARS and RED PLANET, but to be truthful, I can't remember which one was which. Instead, I wanna talk about one other movie, since it was only yesterday I watched it so it sticks in my memory, and also 'cause unlike the others, I'd never even heard of it before. It's called THE LAST DAYS ON MARS.

Liev Schreiber is a scientist type dude over on the ol' fourth rock from the sun. He's just out there (I mean, here!) drilling away into them red rocks they/we got everywhere. Liev and his handful of other drillers are coming to the end of their six-month mission, where they've been trying to get some samples or find something. You know – science stuff. 

So yeah, they're all cranky with each other: Liev and that guy Elias Koteas, who was Casey Jones in the original NINJA TURTLES movie, and also that British chick Olivia Williams, who was dead Bruce Willis's wife in THE SIXTH SENSE. And a bunch of other guys, all different accents, so a multicultural Mars – which is nice and all.

So alright, they're looking forward to leaving the planet and can't wait to return to the green lush of Earth. Haha, I hope that's not me in six months' time! Anyway, one of the scientists with an accent – I think he's German or French or Spanish, one of those European places, anyway – discovers from one of those 'samples' that there may be, like, alien life. But when he goes out to investigate he's mysteriously killed, and so his buddies have to find out what happened. And, you know, they start blaming each other and getting all paranoid, that kind of business. And next thing you know, they're all getting possessed and attacking each other.

Look, I'll level with you ma. When I saw this movie described as a 'horror/thriller' I got a bit concerned and I nearly didn't watch it. Like, I'm already on a brand new frickin' planet here. Do I really want to start making the place seem scarier than it already is? But I shouldn’t have worried. There wasn't much that was horrific or thrilling in THE LAST DAYS OF MARS. And you know what? It wasn't like them being on Mars even mattered to the plot or anything. It could have been out on an oil rig, or in Alaska (like THE THING) or, I dunno, the middle of Wyoming or somewhere.

OK, fine, there is a part where one of the crew who's gone nuts bursts into their science station and sticks a power drill straight into his buddy's chest. That scene was kinda cool. And then the British chick hits him over the head with a fire extinguisher. But mostly it's just people arguing. Arguing with spacesuits on. With the occasional glimpse at some reddish rocks through the window. Some of the characters live, most of them die. 

What are the survival chances for the biggest names in the cast, Liev Schreiber and Olivia Williams, you might ask? Do I need to point out an anagram you can get from his first name by swapping the last two letters, or tell you that 'Olivia' is often shortened to 'Liv'? (OK, full disclosure: I fell asleep before the end, so I'm just guessing. Maybe they both die horribly.)

Look ma, I gotta go. I've an interview tomorrow for the Mars Mining Corp first thing in the morning. Ha, might turn out that soon I'll be out there drilling for samples, like the poor guys in THE LAST DAYS ON MARS!

Hmm. Maybe I shouldn't have watched that flick yesterday, after all ...

Love to Dad,

Your son

Two stars out of five.

 

Valid use of the word ‘last’?  The ones that didn't make it certainly won't be setting foot on the planet again.

What would a movie called THE FIRST DAYS ON MARS be about?  Getting to know each other, team-building exercises, reserving spaces in the fridges. Those sorts of things.

Previously:  THE LAST EXORCISM: PART II

Next time:  LAST DANCE 

Check out my books:  Jonathanlastauthor.com