THE LAST RIGHT (2019, Aoife Crehan)

* * * 

A man discovers that the old fella he just met on a plane has died and named him next of kin. 

Starring  Michiel Huisman, Niamh Algar, Samuel Bottomley, Colm Meaney, Brian Cox

Written by  Aoife Crehan

Produced by  Paul Donovan, Pippa Cross, Casey Herbert

Duration  106 minutes   

 

Here we have a movie with a pun in its title. The story is about death; more accurately, someone dying, which might prompt a priest to read the last rites. But 'rite' has been replaced by 'right'.

Does the pun make sense? Not really. It does communicate the movie's blackly comic tone. But it doesn't have a genuine double meaning or really relate to the story, and so I don't think we can include THE LAST RIGHT within the annals of classic pun-tastic titles. 

Is the film about doing the right thing? Sort of, but aren't they all? Is it about having the right to do something, as in the permission? That's even more tenuous. Is it about taking a right turn instead of a left? Well, there is a lot of driving, but still ... Best thing I can say is I don't think I've ever come across this particular pun before. But maybe there's a good reason for that.

For the record, here are some good examples of punnage in movie titles (without necessarily endorsing the flicks themselves): 

– MAID IN MANHATTAN

– MADE OF HONOR

– INSIDE MAN

– FACE/OFF

– CODA

– RATATOUILLE 

– CHOPPING MALL

– CHICKEN RUN

And for balance, here are some that don't quite work for me: 

– KNIGHT AND DAY

– BEE MOVIE

– RAT RACE

– LEGALLY BLONDE

– GOOD WILL HUNTING

– COP OUT

Fortunately, THE LAST RIGHT manages to transcend dubious wordplay to be a nice little find.

We meet our hero, Daniel, flying from New York (where he relocated many years ago) to County Cork (where he's from) to bury his mother. Worse luck: he's been seated next to a boring old man. 

I wondered at this point whether not wanting to listen to a stranger droning on was going to be a negative characteristic that our protagonist needs to overcome. That never really happens, though he does learn to be less self-centred, more accepting of others, etc. But in this first scene, Daniel's irritated reaction made me sympathetic. Leave the man alone, old timer, he just wants to spend his eight hours flying across the Atlantic in peace!

The old guy – played by Jim Norton, best known as a stern Bishop on Irish sitcom Father Ted – takes a liking to our Daniel. Unbeknownst to Daniel, he names the young fellah as next of kin on his landing card. Then an hour later he's dead, leaving Daniel to deal with his corpse.

It's a bit like when you joke that if you volunteered in an old folk's home, maybe one of them would leave you millions in their will. Hmm, maybe I should look into that, actually ...

Back in his home country, Daniel has to deal with not only transporting the corpse from the bottom of the Republic of Ireland to the top of Northern Ireland, but also reconnecting with his autistic younger brother, Louis.

It becomes a road movie, with our heroes meeting a succession of colourful and eccentric characters along the way. The siblings are joined by Mary, a worker from the funeral home who tags along – I didn't pick up exactly why. She acts as a mediator between Daniel and Louis and potential love interest to the former. Also, actress Niamh Algar really resembles Jenna Fischer, The Office's Pam. Which is a plus.

The trio haven't been travelling long before Mary delivers the line "You know, the two of yous are kind of like RAIN MAN!" Thus lampshading what I myself was thinking. Then, when they find out that Daniel is really Louis' father, Mary exclaims, "This is more Eastenders now than RAIN MAN!" It made me wonder whether these were actual comments made in script meetings that they then added to the dialogue. This kind of meta stuff can be cloying, but I welcomed the self-awareness on this occasion.

I realise now that the scenario of a big city guy returning for a funeral and being re-charmed by his home town's ways was also done in LAST CALL. So, I guess that's a last-movie trend? Probably it needs to happen at least three times to be a trend. Ah, well.

Another thing it shares with another entry on this blog is that it’s a Christmas movie. Or rather a covert Christmas movie – one where the season isn't central to the plot but adds some kind of thematic weight. Randomly, I keep watching movies at the moment that turn out to be set during the Yuletide; in fact, after ROBOCOP 3 (underrated), BABYGIRL (overrated) and now this, that's three in a row! So that's definitely a trend, right?

(Other covert Christmas movies include RAMBO: FIRST BLOOD and BETTER OFF DEAD. You want more? How about ROCKY IV? THE BOURNE IDENTITY? THE APARTMENT? EASTERN PROMISES? TANGERINE? TRANCERS? Are you happy now? Are you? OK, that's enough.)

Overall, THE LAST RIGHT is a sweet picture. It overcomes its RAIN MAN-aping central relationship to be both funny and touching. I really liked how it ends, with Daniel deciding to set up a charity for people who die without a next of kin.

A couple more observations. What with its director and two of the stars, this movie does pretty well for featuring hard-to-pronounce Irish names. So you've got Aoife (ee-fuh) Crehan, Niamh (nee-av) Algar and Colm (col-um) Meaney. Well played; I only wish they could've fitted in Saoirse (seeuh-shuh) Ronan and Siobhán (shih-von) McSweeney, for a full-house.

A word on one of your actors there. It's not a real Irish movie unless Colm Meaney turns up. Here he plays a senior police officer, like he did in INTERMISSION. The erstwhile Transporter Chief Miles O'Brien is always a welcome addition, whether over in Hollywood (UNDER SIEGE, CON AIR), back in his homeland (THE COMMITMENTS, THE VAN) or in the UK (LAYER CAKE, THE DAMNED UNITED). Not to mention featuring in long-running science-fiction franchises (as O'Brien on both Star Trek: The Next Generation and Deep Space Nine).

Maybe old Colm should have played the protagonist here, and then they could have called the movie STOP BEING SUCH A MEANEY. Hey, just a thought!

Three stars out of five.

 

 

Valid use of the word ‘last’?  It’s a pun title that doesn’t make sense, so search me. 

What would a movie called THE FIRST RIGHT be like?  If it was an American movie about their First Amendment, it would revolve around “Protection of the freedom of speech, religion, the press, and making complaints and requests to the government”. So I guess ... a screwball comedy?

 

Previously:  LAST SEEN ALIVE

Next time:  THE LAST TYCOON 

Check out my books:  Jonathanlastauthor.com

THE LAST SHARKNADO: IT’S ABOUT TIME (2018, Anthony C Ferrante)

 

* 

Sharks. Time travel. The Asylum. The Syfy Channel. Ostensibly, this is a movie.

Starring  Ian Ziering, Tara Reid, Cassie Scerbo, Judah Friedlander, Vivica A Fox

Written by  Scotty Mullen

Produced by  David Michael Latt

Duration  86 minutes   

 

Hi Mom,

Following my first and second letters, this is going to be my last one.

Because your boy has finally made it. Yes, it might be a SyFy original; yes, it might be from The Asylum, a studio below even Troma in terms of reputation. But it's still a movie and I'm still now a credited screenwriter!

But don't get too excited, ma. I'm not exactly proud of my work. In fact, I'm sorry to say it, but no sooner have I reached my dream that I've decided I'm going to pack it in and come back home. Hollywood broke me, ma. It broke me and the name it used was THE LAST SHARKNADO: IT'S ABOUT TIME.

I know, I know, I can't be blamed for everything about the movie my script produced. I can't be blamed for the choppy editing that tries to create excitement through incoherence. I can't be blamed for the non-existent acting ability of the no-name cast, or for how much the established actors were phoning it in. I can't be blamed for the PlayStation 2-standard special effects. 

And I certainly can't be blamed for having to carry the weight of the five previous entries in the SHARKNADO franchise – although I guess I could have sat down and watched them all before I fired up Final Draft. But if I had done that prep, I doubt I would have had much of a brain left to even open up my Macbook.

I knew I was in trouble right from the start, ma, right from the very first scene. They made me put two references to BACK TO THE FUTURE in the opening five pages. They insisted that we cheaply reference one of the most beloved time-travel comedies of all time – the highest grossing movie of 1985, $400m in mid-80's money. Twice in the first five minutes, ma! I don't think all of The Asylum's pictures have grossed $400m combined!

And then, they made me have the main guy take instructions from a hologram, done exactly like Princess Leia at the start of STAR WARS. Gosh-darned STAR WARS! And when this protagonist fellow later turns around to find a T-Rex looming over him, of course he has to glibly tell the man-eating beast, "Oh ... hi there!" Like, simply the worst kind of sub-Josh Whedon banter.

These monsters from the studio even forced me to put the most famous line from JAWS in, too; again, twice, just in case any of the dumbasses they think will be watching were too busy scrolling their phones to notice the first one. It's not enough that they're gonna need a bigger chainsaw, they're also gonna need a bigger explosion. I swear, ma, I know you don't approve of drinking, but I'm beginning to understand why Fitzgerald started reaching for the bottle after he went to Hollywood.

Look, ma. I understand that it's supposed to be bad. It's supposed to be over the top. And that if alcohol is optional for the writer, it definitely isn't for the viewer. But you remember when me and Booby-Joe and Stevie-Dean and all the other guys from the neighbouhood used to run around with Dad's camcorder making our little amateur movies? How we used crack each other up and wink at the camera, telling each other how stupid this all was?

That was funny because we were kids and it was cute, and you guys would lap it up when we screened them because you were our parents. We weren't actual grown-ups doing this for a job, expecting people to pay good money to sit through it!

If I can stomach it, I'll now spend a little bit of this letter telling you about the plot of this trashterpiece I spent months putting my so-called skills into. 

So, our gang of quip-happy adventurers have travelled back in time to kill the first ever sharknado (sharks that can fly, of course) and in doing so eliminate the whole species from ever existing. Like the plot of THE TERMINATOR, I guess. After first trying this in the Jurassic era, they skip ahead to Camelot in the Middle Ages, where they fight alongside the castle-dwellers. 

It's here in the finished movie that THE LAST SHARKNADO trades on the kind of stunt casting that you expect from The Asylum. Councillor Troy from Star Trek: The Next Generation; Neil deGrasse Tyson as a scientist guy; one of the contestants from RuPaul's Drag Race as a gender-flipped Merlin. And let me tell you, 'drag' is the right word – and I don’t mean when a guy dresses up in girls' clothing.

But wait, ma. You remember all those screenwriting lessons I took? One thing they drummed into us was pacing. To give your story room to develop, including plot points and character growth. And I was really looking forward to flexing these skills in my first feature screenplay. But my bosses at The Asylum were having none of that. The notes I kept getting were saying things like "Faster! Keep the characters moving! Never stop and give the audience a chance to think!"

Was this because the movie is going to be shown on TV, so they're worried about people channel-hopping? Is this the same thing people who write for streaming are being told – which, let's face it, is the place most wannabe screenwriters like me end up these days?

Anyway, all of this feedback to hurry things along meant that the ancient olden-times couldn’t be the backdrop for long. After the bare-minimum of exposition, the team jump forward to the Declaration of Independence, where of course they meet George Washington and Alexander Hamilton (and yes, I did have to put a joke in about the musical). Then before long, they're in the Old West, with Pat Garrett and Billy the Kid. 

Later, it's a 1950's beach party, then a stop-off in the late-90's San Francisco ... It ends up resembling a witless version of BILL AND TED'S EXCELLENT ADVENTURE – which, as I'm sure you'll remember, was one of my favorite movies growing up and one of the reasons I wanted to write for the screen in the first place.

I think I'm gonna cry now, Mom.

Oh, and here's another studio note I got: "We need even more BACK TO THE FUTURE references. Put another one in after 30 pages – or you're fired!"

I'm gonna go online now and look for flights home. Hope you haven't rented out my room yet.

Love to Dad,

Your son

One star out of five.

 

Valid use of the word ‘last’?  No one ever thought there could be two of these things, let alone six. So, anything's still possible.

What would a movie called THE FIRST SHARKNADO be like?  It is within all our capabilities to watch the first one in the series and find out. And it's in all our best interests to never do that.

 

Previously:  THE LAST MOVIE STAR

Next time:  LAST SEEN ALIVE

Check out my books:  Jonathanlastauthor.com

THE LAST MOVIE STAR (2017, Adam Rifkin)

 

* * * 

An over-the-hill actor re-evaluates his life when he’s coaxed into appearing at an obscure film festival being held in his honour.

Starring  Burt Reynolds, Ariel Winter, Clark Duke, Ellar Coltrane, Chevy Chase  

Written by  Adam Rifkin   

Produced by  Brian Cavallaro, Neil Mandt, Adam Rifkin, Gordon Whitener

Duration  103 minutes

 

Well I never.

Burt Reynolds just joined my list of actors that I never realised were also directors. (Bill Duke, Henry Winkler, Paul Newman, Michael Keaton and Dennis Hopper complete that list.)

Yes, I know Burt didn’t direct this movie. Frustratingly, one of his credits behind the camera is something called THE LAST PRODUCER. I wanted to make that movie the subject of this review, but unfortunately, I couldn’t find a copy anywhere. If I had been able to, then the tangent I’m about to go off on would make much more sense. Not that I’m not going to let a detail like that deter me.

So, it turns out the late Mr Reynolds was credited as director on seven feature films. He’s certainly not part of the one-and-done crowd of actor/directors: I’m thinking Johnny Depp, Richard Pryor, Nicolas Cage, Dan Aykroyd, Ryan Gosling, Marlon Brando, Drew Barrymore, Eddie Murphy, Steven Seagal. You know, those guys.

Burt’s tally may be far short of the, say, 40 that Clint Eastwood has under his belt, but surely his number should be high enough for the world to acknowledge that he had a career behind the camera as well as in front? After all, his seven is only two less than Robert Redford managed and one more than Mel Gibson so far. And yet, when you Google Redford, Gibson or Clint, you get back ‘actor and filmmaker’. But poor Burt only comes up as ‘actor’.

We can speculate as to why this might be. Is it because Reynolds never directed a Best Picture winner, such as ORDINARY PEOPLE, BRAVEHEART or UNFORGIVEN and MILLION DOLLAR BABY? Maybe. Is it because his films are instead obscure efforts such as GATOR, STICK and THE MAN FROM LEFT FIELD? Possibly. Is it to do with how apart from THE END and SHARKEY’S MACHINE, barely anyone went to see them? Very likely.

Whatever the reason, being seen as an actor only makes Burt ideal to headline THE LAST MOVIE STAR. Reynolds is known as a macho, mustachioed star of 1970’s cinema and that’s all he’s known for. That, and for getting a Best Supporting Actor nomination for BOOGIE NIGHTS in 1997 and then promptly disowning the film.

And so, THE LAST MOVIE STAR. Burt plays Vic Edwards, a Reynolds proxy – they literally introduce him with genuine talk show footage from our man's '70s pomp.

But before long, we're in the present day, specifically a grey-walled waiting room, with a haggard and grey-haired Vic, dressed in a grey jacket and sporting a grey-white beard. He's at the vet with his loyal dog, who can no longer function properly and is well past his best. Metaphor alert.

Vic still has his gated LA mansion to drive home to, but despite the posters of his old movies lining the walls, it's a sad, empty, curtain-drawn place. Vic settles into his threadbare armchair and drinks vodka straight from the bottle. Beyond this, his day-to-day consists of sauntering to the supermarket, struggling with the shopping trolley and being ignored when he smiles at young women.

The plot kicks into gear when Vic goes to brunch with his pal, played by a wrinkly Chevy Chase. Turns out Vic's being honoured with a lifetime achievement award at the Nashville Film Festival. Which, after some persuasion from Chevy, he grouchily decides to fly out to. He’s actually from Nashville, after all.

At the airport, he's met by Lil (Ariel Winter), his chaperone for his weekend in Tennessee. She's surly, aggressive and confrontational, constantly shouting down her phone at her deadbeat boyfriend. She picks Vic up in a rust-bucket car and deposits him in a sleazy motel. This is a far cry from what he was used to during his pomp.

As is the film festival itself, which is held in a scummy bar and organised by Lil's dweeby brother, played by the eternally dweeby Clark Duke. Vic ends up getting drunk and lashing out, then goes back to his motel and collapses on the bed in a stupor.

The next day, when Lil comes to take him back to the festival, he insists that she instead drive him around his home town so he can take a trip down memory lane. So, we now get an odd-couple road movie, where two opposites start to respect each other, realise they have more in common than they thought, etc.

Despite laying the schmaltz on a bit thick, THE LAST MOVIE STAR is a pretty good swansong for Reynolds, who died a few months after its release. He's committed and vulnerable, and there's genuine pathos when he comes to terms with his regrets. A couple of times, present-day Burt is spliced into footage from SMOKEY AND THE BANDIT and DELIVERANCE, the sequences recut so that Old Burt is interrogating his younger self. It's cheesy, but I found it effective.

Also of note is Winter. She's using the movie to push against her sitcom persona (as the nerd-bird daughter in Modern Family), in the tradition of Friends' Jennifer Aniston playing dowdy in THE GOOD GIRL (playing a character named Justine Last!) or James Van Der Beek sleazing it up in THE RULES OF ATTRACTION following Dawson's Creek. I was impressed, and I think Winter deserves a shot at longevity post-TV.

Does she have a chance of matching 82-year-old Burt Reynolds, top box-office draw from 1978 to 1982? Probably not, but as THE LAST MOVIE STAR makes very clear, there will only ever be one Burt. I mean, Vic Edwards. Of course.

Three stars out of five. 

Valid use of the word ‘last’?  Not literally. But since the concept of the movie star itself has long been in decline, it’s definitely fair to say that Vic/Burt is part of a dying breed.

What would a movie called THE FIRST MOVIE STAR be about?  That would be Florence Lawrence, widely thought to be the first film actor to be named publicly, back in the 1910s.

 

Previously:  THE LAST HEIST

Next time:  THE LAST SHARKNADO: IT’S ABOUT TIME    

Check out my books:  Jonathanlastauthor.com

THE LAST HEIST (2016, Mike Mendez)

 

* * 

Some criminals try to take money from a bank that isn't theirs.

Starring  Henry Rollins, Torrance Coombs, Victoria Pratt

Written by  Guy Stevenson

Produced by  Rick Benattar, Nigel Thomas

Duration  84 minutes

 

 

I must confess, I'd never heard of THE LAST HEIST. Wait, neither had you? Well, that's all right then!

So of course, the first thing I did was look the movie up on IMDb. And I found exactly one item of interest. There was a spate of movies with the same or similar names released within a six-year period. THE LAST HEIST itself in 2016 was followed by ONE LAST LAST HEIST in 2019 (not a sequel) and then THE LAST HEIST in 2022 (not a remake).

Does a few heist movies coming out around the same time constitute a trend? Sure, why not! And if so, what's to stop me now listing some other movie trends from years gone by – you know, ones that people actually noticed? 

All right then, here we go:

– Bleak and violent depictions of the Vietnam War: PLATOON (1986), FULL METAL JACKET, HAMBURGER HILL (both 1987).

– Underwater thrillers where explorers discover strange new creatures deep in the ocean: THE ABYSS, DEEPSTAR SIX, LEVIATHAN (all 1989).

– Disaster films about volcanic eruptions: DANTE'S PEAK, VOLCANO (both 1997)

– Disaster films about an asteroid hurtling toward Earth: DEEP IMPACT, ARMAGEDDON (both 1998).

– Films in which a person or person's lives are broadcast on TV: THE TRUMAN SHOW, PLEASANTVILLE (both 1998), EDTV (1999).

– Science fiction films questioning what is real or an illusion: THE MATRIX, THE THIRTEENTH FLOOR, EXISTENZ (all 1999).

– Modern-day Shakespeare adaptations featuring Julia Stiles: 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT YOU (1999), HAMLET (2000), O (2001).

– Science fiction adventure films about Mars: MISSION TO MARS, RED PLANET (both 2000), GHOSTS OF MARS (2001).

– Romantic comedies about friends who start a casual sexual relationship and end up falling in love: NO STRINGS ATTACHED, FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS (both 2011).

– Films about American nuns in Rome who are pregnant with the antichrist: THE FIRST OMEN, IMMACULATE (both 2024).

Plus let's not forget Gene Hackman's bizarre late-career choices.

Honestly though, the trend THE LAST HEIST fits into isn't really bank robbery movies. It's movies you find on streaming that you can't imagine people watching. Which is a pretty big trend, and not one likely to end any time soon.

Seriously, why would anyone put this movie on? If you had the urge to see criminals breaking into places, why would you choose THE LAST HEIST ahead of the numerous better alternatives? OCEAN'S ELEVEN, KILLING ZOE, INSIDE MAN, DOG DAY AFTERNOON, POINT BREAK, THE LAST DAYS OF AMERICAN CRIME ... actually, scrap that last one.

Maybe you would watch it to give yourself a new drinking game, one that revolves around spotting action movie clichés? I'm not going to attempt to list all THE LAST HEIST's crimes against originality, but here's a representative example: "You can't shoot me, you've got the safety on!" I'm sure you know the trope, but more details and some other guilty films can be found here.

Maybe you love hearing unimaginative dialogue? Such as: 

– "It’s showtime!" 

– "Did you get the stuff?"

– And this tried-and-tested exchange: "Fuck you!" "Fuck me? No, fuck you!"

Or perhaps unrealistic character choices are more your speed? My favourite: cop has a gun on someone from a safe distance, but elects to unnecessarily approach them, allowing himself to be disarmed and shot with his own weapon. 

Maybe you want to see THE LAST HEIST because it's a case study in how modern digital effects allow low-budget action films to both be more ambitious and look much cheaper? The guns here are never actually fired: flame bursts and rat-a-tat noises are added in post-production. Handguns never cycle their rounds; smoke and ejected shell casings are CGI.

Or could it be you'd watch this movie for Henry Rollins? I'd never heard of the man, but the copy surrounding the movie presents him as some sort of name. He seems to be channelling the creepy calm of Christian Bale's Patrick Bateman, from AMERICAN PSYCHO, pinstripe suit and everything. Except that he looks like a nerdy bespectacled stockbroker, rather than the buffed-up alpha bro type. His performance is definitely a highlight.

And here's where I must give THE LAST HEIST some credit for putting at least one original spin on the bank robbery formula. Rollins plays a hostage who is really a serial killer and who breaks loose to roam the bank's back offices, picking off the robbers and becoming as big an adversary to them as the cops outside. So, kind of if John McClane had ended up being a psycho.

You know, come to think of it, it's funny how DIE HARD isn't considered a heist flick. And in fact, as THE LAST HEIST trundles along, it ends up owing quite a debt to that action classic.

Stop me if you've heard any of this before:

– The robbers are after bearer bonds. 

– There's one good cop on the outside, who sees through the thieves' plan.

– Later, macho specialists turn up and claim jurisdiction, with a strategy that pays no regard to civilian casualties.

– There's a name gag to rival "Agents Johnson and Johnson ... no relation", with characters called Smith and Jones. 

– It's even set in Los Angeles, though it probably wasn't filmed there.

Anyway, THE LAST HEIST earns its extra star for Rollins and for at least attempting to do something new within a deeply worn formula. And also for the curveball ending where it lets the bad guy win.

Oh, sorry – spoiler for a film you've never heard of and are never going to watch.

Two stars out of five.

 

 

Valid use of the word ‘last’?  There will be other heists, but none carried out by this crew.

What would a movie called THE FIRST HEIST be like?  OCEAN'S ONE?

 

Previously:  EVERY LAST ONE OF THEM

Next time:  THE LAST MOVIE STAR 

Check out my books:  Jonathanlastauthor.com

THE LAST DAYS ON MARS (2013, Ruairí Robinson)

 

* * 

Researchers on Earth's nearest neighbour encounter something that doesn't like them poking around it.

Starring  Liev Schreiber, Elias Koteas, Romola Garai, Olivia Williams

Written by  Clive Dawson

Produced by  Michael Kuhn, Andrea Cornwell

Duration  98 minutes   

 

Dear Mom,

I hope you enjoyed my first letter. I think there will probably be a third coming later, too.

Well, Mom, I finally did it. I emigrated to Mars! I know you said I'd never do it, but here I am.

The problem with Hollywood was, you can't move for wannabe screenwriters. The competition was just getting too much. So, after I sold all my possessions except the clothes on my back (and my Macbook, of course!) I could just about afford a fifth-class ticket on the very first commercial transit to the Red Colonies!

As you can imagine, onboard living conditions weren't exactly the best. It was like being below deck on the Titanic, except no Leo – sadly! And we made it on time – no "Meteor, right ahead!" or anything like that! And yeah, I'm not living in the best digs now that I've arrived, either, although it's better than my old apartment in the North Valley, that's for sure.

I'll tell you one good thing about that space journey, though. Three months is obviously a lot of time to kill. And so the ship laid plenty of free entertainment on us, including a wide selection of movie theatres. So, you can guess where I spent most of my time!

And I thought, you know what, it's a great opportunity to do some research. Because, ma (and this won't surprise you much either), this whole time I've been thinking about my next screenplay project. I'm gonna write the definitive Mars movie! And wouldn't you know it – one of the theatres had a series of movies set on my new red home. Talk about a great chance to get inspired!

I tried to learn something from each one of those Mars movies, and, now I've set foot on red soil, compare it to the reality.

For example, they screened THE MARTIAN, that one with Matt Damon. Now, I know I'm not gonna get left alone here like he was, since there were more than 5,000 in my space cruiser alone and there's at least another dozen more of those besides.

And I didn't see any zombie types on the shuttle bus out to the colony, so we're not in a GHOSTS OF MARS situation, either! I had got the idea from TOTAL RECALL that Mars might be kinda dirty, with prostitutes and strip bars everywhere, but don't worry ma, it's nothing like that. Not the parts I've seen, anyway.

MARS NEEDS MOMS did have kind of a point, though. We do need to populate this place. I haven't had much of a chance to socialise yet, but maybe you'll someday be attending your first wedding on another planet? Would I have to wear a red tux?! But what Mars definitely doesn't need is any of the monster thingies from JOHN CARTER. Giant apes with two-foot fangs? No thank you!

I would say something about MISSION TO MARS and RED PLANET, but to be truthful, I can't remember which one was which. Instead, I wanna talk about one other movie, since it was only yesterday I watched it so it sticks in my memory, and also 'cause unlike the others, I'd never even heard of it before. It's called THE LAST DAYS ON MARS.

Liev Schreiber is a scientist type dude over on the ol' fourth rock from the sun. He's just out there (I mean, here!) drilling away into them red rocks they/we got everywhere. Liev and his handful of other drillers are coming to the end of their six-month mission, where they've been trying to get some samples or find something. You know – science stuff. 

So yeah, they're all cranky with each other: Liev and that guy Elias Koteas, who was Casey Jones in the original NINJA TURTLES movie, and also that British chick Olivia Williams, who was dead Bruce Willis's wife in THE SIXTH SENSE. And a bunch of other guys, all different accents, so a multicultural Mars – which is nice and all.

So alright, they're looking forward to leaving the planet and can't wait to return to the green lush of Earth. Haha, I hope that's not me in six months' time! Anyway, one of the scientists with an accent – I think he's German or French or Spanish, one of those European places, anyway – discovers from one of those 'samples' that there may be, like, alien life. But when he goes out to investigate he's mysteriously killed, and so his buddies have to find out what happened. And, you know, they start blaming each other and getting all paranoid, that kind of business. And next thing you know, they're all getting possessed and attacking each other.

Look, I'll level with you ma. When I saw this movie described as a 'horror/thriller' I got a bit concerned and I nearly didn't watch it. Like, I'm already on a brand new frickin' planet here. Do I really want to start making the place seem scarier than it already is? But I shouldn’t have worried. There wasn't much that was horrific or thrilling in THE LAST DAYS OF MARS. And you know what? It wasn't like them being on Mars even mattered to the plot or anything. It could have been out on an oil rig, or in Alaska (like THE THING) or, I dunno, the middle of Wyoming or somewhere.

OK, fine, there is a part where one of the crew who's gone nuts bursts into their science station and sticks a power drill straight into his buddy's chest. That scene was kinda cool. And then the British chick hits him over the head with a fire extinguisher. But mostly it's just people arguing. Arguing with spacesuits on. With the occasional glimpse at some reddish rocks through the window. Some of the characters live, most of them die. 

What are the survival chances for the biggest names in the cast, Liev Schreiber and Olivia Williams, you might ask? Do I need to point out an anagram you can get from his first name by swapping the last two letters, or tell you that 'Olivia' is often shortened to 'Liv'? (OK, full disclosure: I fell asleep before the end, so I'm just guessing. Maybe they both die horribly.)

Look ma, I gotta go. I've an interview tomorrow for the Mars Mining Corp first thing in the morning. Ha, might turn out that soon I'll be out there drilling for samples, like the poor guys in THE LAST DAYS ON MARS!

Hmm. Maybe I shouldn't have watched that flick yesterday, after all ...

Love to Dad,

Your son

Two stars out of five.

 

Valid use of the word ‘last’?  The ones that didn't make it certainly won't be setting foot on the planet again.

What would a movie called THE FIRST DAYS ON MARS be about?  Getting to know each other, team-building exercises, reserving spaces in the fridges. Those sorts of things.

Previously:  THE LAST EXORCISM: PART II

Next time:  LAST DANCE 

Check out my books:  Jonathanlastauthor.com

THE LAST EXORCISM: PART II (2013, Ed Gass-Donnelly)

 

* * 

Looks like they lied about it being all over, exorcism fans.

Starring  Ashley Bell, Julia Garner, Spencer Treat Clark, David Jensen, Tarra Riggs, Louis Herthum

Written by  Damien Chazelle, Ed Gass-Donnelly   

Produced by  Eric Newman, Eli Roth, Marc Abraham, Thomas A Bliss   

Duration  88 minutes   

 

You know, films with 'last' in their title are rarely obvious candidates for sequels. There are exceptions, but generally speaking, something described with that word does not readily beget a follow-up.

The main reason to make a sequel to a film is, of course, if it made loads of money. Then, in the words of Dr Ian Malcolm in JURASSIC PARK (six follow-ups and counting): "Life ... uh, will find a way." And that includes legacy sequels, which are just a delayed reaction to something that's been profitable in the longer term.

But let's ignore capitalism for a moment. Let's pretend all that matters is whether the story warrants being continued. Come on, we can do it.

'Last' movies do indeed seem unlikely to qualify, but they aren't the only ones. Take HIGHLANDER, for instance. "There can be only one" they told us – so, the end of the line once the only immortal left was Connor McCloud. right? But we still got HIGHLANDER II: THE QUICKENING, which took the route of being utterly nonsensical to try to get around its leaps in logic.

And I've always been pretty surprised about the existence of FRENCH CONNECTION II and STAYING ALIVE (SATURDAY NIGHT FEVER 2), coming as they did after a pair of serious and seemingly standalone films. And let's not forget THE NEVERENDING STORY, referenced in The Simpsons as a classic case of false advertising.

Then there are those movies with scenarios that are so off-the-wall, so bonkers, that it would be implausible to repeat them. Not that this stopped the green light flashing for WEEKEND AT BERNIE'S II or HOME ALONE 2 or MANNEQUIN TWO: ON THE MOVE or THE HANGOVER PART II. That last one ended up stretching to a trilogy, albeit only by taking a sharp left turn in eking out the third one.

And then there's the market for cash-ins that trade on a brand name, like AMERICAN PSYCHO 2, THE STING II or THE RAGE: CARRIE II. These usually don't even bother to pretend they're related to the original. Although in the case of KING KONG LIVES, they did decide to go for continuity. Um, wait ... but didn't the giant gorilla die? Empire State Building? Big fall?

But as far as nonsensical titles for sequels go, THE LAST EXORCISM: PART II has to take the biscuit. I mean, just look at it! Hilariously, the pseudo-pretentious use of Roman numerals makes it look like it's actually THE LAST EXORCISM: PART ELEVEN.

But LAST EXORCISM 2 is of course only following one film, not ten. And that film was a not-bad found-footagey effort, starring a bloke who was in Better Call Saul.

Patrick Fabian isn't in this one, although he is part of the opening recap. Something else that doesn't return is the mockumentary format - just like BOOK OF SHADOWS: BLAIR WITCH 2, we have here a pair of flicks where the original flirts with realism and the sequel goes for full-on movieism.

Something else LAST EXORCISM 2 does is follow the monster into the next instalment rather than the good guys, in the best Freddy Kruger, Jason Voorhees and Michael Myers tradition. I mean, if you ignore A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET 1, 3 and 7, where we stay with Nancy Thompson; FRIDAY THE 13TH 4-6, with Tommy Jarvis; and HALLOWEEN 2, 3, 7, and 8, which are led by Laurie Strode.

To be fair, 'monster' is a strong word for poor teenager Nell Sweetzer (Ashley Bell), the possessed girl from last time around. She's the protagonist now, but since that pesky demon just can't stop with its darn posessin', she's at least the bad guy by proxy. 

At the start of the film, Nell is found by the authorities, disoriented and with no memory of the climax to part one, where she was the only survivor from her entire family. She's put up in a halfway house, making friends with the other troubled girls, getting a cleaning job, awkwardly flirting with a local boy, etc. But soon enough, she's bothered again by a strange presence, something ethereal that's not done with her yet ...

This is one of those horror films that gets described as 'slow burn'. What that means here is precious few scares, little intensity and a PG-13 certificate (12A in the UK). So, it can't use any of the usual tactics to perk up our interest: gore, nudity, excessive language. Bell is likable and you feel for her plight, but she's not able to make the movie compelling all by herself.

And look, yes there is another exorcism, of sorts. But it's not the same one, therefore this isn't really 'part two', is it? I would have preferred it if part one had been just the first two acts of the story, and then they saved the actual exorcism for this film, making it one long 90-minute real-time procedure, done in a single take with no let up.

Alas.

Closing note: Damien Chazelle, the youngest winner of the Academy Award for Best Director at age 32 with LA LA LAND, is a co-writer here. He had no credits on the first film; clearly we have a case of a freelance gig early in his Hollywood career. I guess WHIPLASH was kind of a horror film, though, so this isn't too incongruous.

Two stars out of five.

Valid use of the word ‘last’?  To date, there has been no THE LAST EXORCISM: PART III. I am not holding my breath, nor my crucifix.

What would a movie called THE FIRST EXORCISM: PART II be about?  A working title for this film was the even more baffling BEGINNING OF THE END: THE LAST EXORCISM II. So, I guess, that?

Previously:  THE LAST DAYS OF DISCO

Next time:  THE LAST DAYS ON MARS

Check out my books:  Jonathanlastauthor.com

 

INSIDIOUS: THE LAST KEY (2018, Adam Robitel)

 

* * * 

Medium Elise Rainier lends her particular set of skills to another poltergeist scenario – and gets maximum trouble for her efforts.

Starring  Lin Shaye, Angus Sampson, Leigh Whannell, Spencer Locke, Caitlin Gerard, Bruce Davison

Written by  Leigh Whannell   

Produced by  Jason Blum, Oren Peli, James Wan, Leigh Whannell

Duration  104 minutes

 

Sometime in 2026 will see the release of THREAD: AN INSIDIOUS TALE, a spin-off of the INSIDIOUS film series. Meanwhile, a crossover of INSIDIOUS and SINISTER, both properties of Blumhouse Productions, has long been rumoured.

I can't help thinking that spinning-off or crossing-over (over-crossing?) has, over the years, tended to be more of a TV thing. The most famous small screen example has to be Frasier, coming from Cheers. But the tradition goes back a lot further. Happy Days, for example, birthed no less than six other shows, to varying degrees of success. Indeed, the spin-off matching the popularity of its originator is far from guaranteed: hit Friends begat dud Joey; Baywatch Nights was no Baywatch. And then of course you have all the myriad incarnations of CSI and NCIS – the latter already being a spin-off of Naval drama JAG.

Movie spin-offs used to be less common, although of course are increasingly so these days, owing to the superhero boom. 1978's SUPERMAN led (eventually) to SUPERGIRL in 1984, but the less said about that the better. More recently, FURIOSA was "a MAD MAX saga"; THIS IS 40 served as only a "sort-of sequel" to KNOCKED UP; US MARSHALLS followed the antagonist from THE FUGITIVE, rather than the hero; the CREED movies spawned off from ROCKY.

Crossovers, meanwhile, have historically tended to be Universal/Hammer horror pictures, with various monsters or monster hunters popping up in each other's films. GODZILLA and KING KONG are keeping this tradition alive today, as FREDDY VS JASON did with a two different monsters a couple of decades ago.

Meanwhile, what we have here is actually the fourth film in the 'main' INSIDIOUS series. Although, wait a sec, it's actually the second chronologically, since the third one was a prequel to the second one, and so THE LAST KEY takes place somewhere between the third and first ones. Glad we cleared that up. Hey, at least it's not as complicated as those CONJURING movies, which have so many instalments and spin-offs (the NUN films, the ANNABELLE films) that they've earned the term 'shared universe', previously only the domain of comic book movies.

Anyway, THE LAST KEY opens on a creepy prison in 1950s' New Mexico. Creepier still is a little girl, Elise, daughter of the warden – the family live in a house onsite, like caretakers in a school, or that Nazi family in THE ZONE OF INTEREST. Elise knows when someone's getting a blast from the electric chair next door, and not through the lights blinking on and off like you'd expect – early points for not using that hackneyed trope, by the way.

Her mother recognises that Elise has a gift and reassures her; pop is less open-minded, preferring the approach of beating her and locking her in the cellar. But Mom doesn't realise the extent of the girl's abilities: Elise doesn't just sense that a criminal has passed, she's actually then visited by their ghost. And boy do they love to congregate in that basement and make themselves known to the poor, terrified girl.

Such childhood trauma shapes Elise into eventually becoming seventy-something Lin Shaye – this franchise's MVP, having appeared in every instalment. Shaye is the one who can genuinely see spirits in a paranormal investigation team that also comprises two whacky, nerdy colleagues: Tucker (Angus Sampson, long hair and beard) and Specs (Leigh Whannell, wearer of specs, and also sometime INSIDIOUS director and/or writer).

When the team are summoned to Elise's old home by the current owner to deal with some demons, it's Elise who has to confront her own demons – from her past. (She also has to confront plenty of current demons, too; by which of course I mean those who are currently haunting the house in the present day.)

Now, I had seen this movie before. Also definitely the first two, and probably the third – I can't be sure, but it seems inconceivable that I would skip an entry. Anyway, I remember liking it well enough, but there's since been a fifth, THE RED DOOR, directed by early franchise star Patrick Wilson, and it hasn't crossed my radar to watch that one. I couldn't remember why I'd bowed out at this stage of the franchise, but rewatching THE LAST KEY it soon became clear.

"She's psychic; we're sidekicks," is how Tucker introduces the team to their new client, with a rehearsed delivery modelled on one of those melodramatic movie trailer voiceovers. It of course falls flat; just another zany quirk from the goofy geeks who lug around all the infrared cameras and sound equipment. They also embarrass themselves in their attempts to flirt with the local girls, exchange cringeworthy banter while studying grainy monitors in the dark, etc.

Yes, this is one of those horror movies that feels it must balance the scares with some shoe-horned in comic relief. This tends to be a huge turn-off for me: I felt that Joran Peele's universally lauded GET OUT was derailed by Daniel Kaluuya's comedy best friend's efforts to track him down. Similarly, David Gordon Green's HALLOWEEN trilogy too often undercut its tension with cheap laughs. And what do these two films have in common? Filmmakers with a background in comedy.

Director Adam Robitel doesn't have that excuse here. But, in fact, I was pleasantly surprised when watching this time to find that the film actually survives its tonal mishmash. Our pals Tucker and Specs don't manage to fatally unbalance the creepiness, and the sincere efforts of classy veteran Shaye stop it from ever wobbling completely off the tracks.

INSIDIOUS: THE LAST KEY ends up being a spooky good time. If you ever come across it on a late-night streaming browse, you could do much worse. And if I'm ever flicking through one of those same lists and coming across part five, I can see myself hitting 'OK' on the remote. Probably.

Three stars out of five. 

 

Valid use of the word ‘last’?  It’s less about a key, more a demon called ‘Keyface’. Which is scarier than it sounds. Also, the house is in Five Keys, Mexico. So I guess, technically … no?

What would a movie called THE FIRST KEY be about?  “Theodorus of Samos in the 6th century BC invented the first key, according to Pliny the Elder.” So says City Security (“The magazine to improve your security know-how”) – and who are we to disagree with them? Or, indeed, your man Pliny?

 

Previously:  THE LAST KING OF SCOTLAND

Next time:  HITLER: THE LAST TEN DAYS

Check out my books:  Jonathanlastauthor.com