THE LAST DAYS ON MARS (2013, Ruairí Robinson)

 

* * 

Researchers on Earth's nearest neighbour encounter something that doesn't like them poking around it.

Starring  Liev Schreiber, Elias Koteas, Romola Garai, Olivia Williams

Written by  Clive Dawson

Produced by  Michael Kuhn, Andrea Cornwell

Duration  98 minutes   

 

Dear Mom,

I hope you enjoyed my first letter. I think there will probably be a third coming later, too.

Well, Mom, I finally did it. I emigrated to Mars! I know you said I'd never do it, but here I am.

The problem with Hollywood was, you can't move for wannabe screenwriters. The competition was just getting too much. So, after I sold all my possessions except the clothes on my back (and my Macbook, of course!) I could just about afford a fifth-class ticket on the very first commercial transit to the Red Colonies!

As you can imagine, onboard living conditions weren't exactly the best. It was like being below deck on the Titanic, except no Leo – sadly! And we made it on time – no "Meteor, right ahead!" or anything like that! And yeah, I'm not living in the best digs now that I've arrived, either, although it's better than my old apartment in the North Valley, that's for sure.

I'll tell you one good thing about that space journey, though. Three months is obviously a lot of time to kill. And so the ship laid plenty of free entertainment on us, including a wide selection of movie theatres. So, you can guess where I spent most of my time!

And I thought, you know what, it's a great opportunity to do some research. Because, ma (and this won't surprise you much either), this whole time I've been thinking about my next screenplay project. I'm gonna write the definitive Mars movie! And wouldn't you know it – one of the theatres had a series of movies set on my new red home. Talk about a great chance to get inspired!

I tried to learn something from each one of those Mars movies, and, now I've set foot on red soil, compare it to the reality.

For example, they screened THE MARTIAN, that one with Matt Damon. Now, I know I'm not gonna get left alone here like he was, since there were more than 5,000 in my space cruiser alone and there's at least another dozen more of those besides.

And I didn't see any zombie types on the shuttle bus out to the colony, so we're not in a GHOSTS OF MARS situation, either! I had got the idea from TOTAL RECALL that Mars might be kinda dirty, with prostitutes and strip bars everywhere, but don't worry ma, it's nothing like that. Not the parts I've seen, anyway.

MARS NEEDS MOMS did have kind of a point, though. We do need to populate this place. I haven't had much of a chance to socialise yet, but maybe you'll someday be attending your first wedding on another planet? Would I have to wear a red tux?! But what Mars definitely doesn't need is any of the monster thingies from JOHN CARTER. Giant apes with two-foot fangs? No thank you!

I would say something about MISSION TO MARS and RED PLANET, but to be truthful, I can't remember which one was which. Instead, I wanna talk about one other movie, since it was only yesterday I watched it so it sticks in my memory, and also 'cause unlike the others, I'd never even heard of it before. It's called THE LAST DAYS ON MARS.

Liev Schreiber is a scientist type dude over on the ol' fourth rock from the sun. He's just out there (I mean, here!) drilling away into them red rocks they/we got everywhere. Liev and his handful of other drillers are coming to the end of their six-month mission, where they've been trying to get some samples or find something. You know – science stuff. 

So yeah, they're all cranky with each other: Liev and that guy Elias Koteas, who was Casey Jones in the original NINJA TURTLES movie, and also that British chick Olivia Williams, who was dead Bruce Willis's wife in THE SIXTH SENSE. And a bunch of other guys, all different accents, so a multicultural Mars – which is nice and all.

So alright, they're looking forward to leaving the planet and can't wait to return to the green lush of Earth. Haha, I hope that's not me in six months' time! Anyway, one of the scientists with an accent – I think he's German or French or Spanish, one of those European places, anyway – discovers from one of those 'samples' that there may be, like, alien life. But when he goes out to investigate he's mysteriously killed, and so his buddies have to find out what happened. And, you know, they start blaming each other and getting all paranoid, that kind of business. And next thing you know, they're all getting possessed and attacking each other.

Look, I'll level with you ma. When I saw this movie described as a 'horror/thriller' I got a bit concerned and I nearly didn't watch it. Like, I'm already on a brand new frickin' planet here. Do I really want to start making the place seem scarier than it already is? But I shouldn’t have worried. There wasn't much that was horrific or thrilling in THE LAST DAYS OF MARS. And you know what? It wasn't like them being on Mars even mattered to the plot or anything. It could have been out on an oil rig, or in Alaska (like THE THING) or, I dunno, the middle of Wyoming or somewhere.

OK, fine, there is a part where one of the crew who's gone nuts bursts into their science station and sticks a power drill straight into his buddy's chest. That scene was kinda cool. And then the British chick hits him over the head with a fire extinguisher. But mostly it's just people arguing. Arguing with spacesuits on. With the occasional glimpse at some reddish rocks through the window. Some of the characters live, most of them die. 

What are the survival chances for the biggest names in the cast, Liev Schreiber and Olivia Williams, you might ask? Do I need to point out an anagram you can get from his first name by swapping the last two letters, or tell you that 'Olivia' is often shortened to 'Liv'? (OK, full disclosure: I fell asleep before the end, so I'm just guessing. Maybe they both die horribly.)

Look ma, I gotta go. I've an interview tomorrow for the Mars Mining Corp first thing in the morning. Ha, might turn out that soon I'll be out there drilling for samples, like the poor guys in THE LAST DAYS ON MARS!

Hmm. Maybe I shouldn't have watched that flick yesterday, after all ...

Love to Dad,

Your son

Two stars out of five.

 

Valid use of the word ‘last’?  The ones that didn't make it certainly won't be setting foot on the planet again.

What would a movie called THE FIRST DAYS ON MARS be about?  Getting to know each other, team-building exercises, reserving spaces in the fridges. Those sorts of things.

Previously:  THE LAST EXORCISM: PART II

Next time:  LAST DANCE 

Check out my books:  Jonathanlastauthor.com

THE LAST MAN (2019, Rodrigo H Vila)

 

* 

It’s the end of the world as we know it, and I feel … like it’s yet another post-apocalypse movie, this time with a lot of brooding, murky visuals and Hayden Christensen.

Starring  Hayden Christensen, Harvey Keitel, Marco Leonardi, Liz Solari, Justin Kelly, Rafael Spregelburd

Written by  Rodrigo H Vila, Gustavo Lencina   

Produced by  Gustavo Lencina, Rodrigo H Vila

Duration  100 minutes   

 

(Ring ring, ring ring)

 

“Hello?”

 

“Hi, um, is that Mr Keitel?”

 

“No, Mr Keitel is my father.”

 

“Oh … um, but …”

 

“And also me. I’m just teasing you, son.”

 

“Right …”

 

“What can I do for you?”

 

“Sorry to call so late … it’s Hayden.”

 

“I’m sorry … who?”

 

“Hayden Christensen.”

 

“From the contractor? Ah, I’m glad you called, son. I needed to talk to you about windows. Now, my wife, she thinks we should be getting the oak frames, but me, well …”

 

“No, sorry, I’m not calling about your, uh, about your windows.”

 

“Oh, I apologise. So, who did you say you were?”

 

“Christensen, Hayden Christensen.”

 

“Hmm.”

 

“From the STAR WARS prequels?”

 

“Oh, you were the little kid, in that space race?”

 

“No, that was Jake Lloyd. Look, Mr Keitel–”

 

“Harvey.”

 

“Harvey, I’m Hayden Christensen. We’re gonna be in this movie together, THE LAST MAN?”

 

“Oh, right! Now I remember. And son, I was right the first time.”

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“Well, I’m only doing that movie so I can get us a sunroom in the Malibu place. Or a solarium, whatever you call it. So, in a way, you were calling me about that.”

 

“... Right.”

 

“So, what’s on your mind, Hayden? Young Padawan?”

 

“Well, Mr … Harvey. It’s just that … I’m having second thoughts about the movie.”

 

“Oh? Can’t your agent negotiate a better fee?”

 

“No, it’s not the money … although … no, that’s the thing. I’m not doing it just for the money.”

 

“Of course you’re not. You’re young.”

 

“Well, I’m 37 now …”

 

“Really? Jeez, those STAR WARS movies were a while ago now, huh?”

 

“Tell me about it.”

 

“So, OK, you’re relatively young. You still have a career ahead of you.”

 

“Well …”

 

“But me, I’ve been doing this for 50 years! I don’t have to care about what the actual movie is. If I decide – or, more usually, the old lady decides – that it’s time for a new conservatory, then so long as they pay me enough to cover the costs, you better believe that I’m getting that conservatory.”

 

“OK, but it’s different for me.”

 

“Of course it is, Hayden. That’s what I’m trying to tell you.”

 

“So, what I really wanted to know was–”

 

“You wanted to know if I think that you should do this film.”

 

“Yes! If you don’t mind.”

 

“You’d like some advice from someone who’s been around the block once or twice.”

 

“Exactly.”

 

“Or three or four times.”

 

“Right.”

 

“Hmm. Well, what is it that’s giving you doubts, son?”

 

“OK. Well, look. You’ve read the script, right?”

 

“Why in the hell would I do that?”

“Right, OK, sorry. Um, but you do know that it’s kind of a grim, dystopian, vaguely futuristic type deal?”

 

“I had a vague inkling.”

“I start off with a beard, losing my mind, in a hellhole. Flashbacks to a war where I'm a soldier.”

“Mmm …”

“I have a lot of voiceover exposition at the start ... it's set in a world the sounds like Blade Runner but on a ten-dollar budget. I describe it as being ‘the end of the world’.”

“OK …”

“I get the shit kicked out of me by a skinhead gang in the rain about 10 pages in. Then, at 15 pages, I hold a gun to my head but can't pull the trigger.”

“Right …”

“I can't really work out what happened in the backstory in my narration: the economy collapses, millions dead, I think there was some kind of ecological disaster? Then you show up on TV, talking about ‘a storm coming’, but I can't work out of if you're speaking about an actual storm or if it's just a metaphor.”

“Oh, that’s right. Like you, I have a beard in this one. So, I'm going to play the character as a spiritual successor to Jacob in FROM DUSK TILL DAWN, where I also had a beard. Except my beard is going to be longer this time.”

“Right. Um, so I also meet some creepy kid, or he may just be a manifestation of my own insanity or my guilt or something like that. Then about 25 pages in I decide I need some money for ... something, so I get a job. It's not clear what this job entails, but I'm interviewed in an office by a man in a suit. Then after about 30 pages, an old army buddy of mine turns up at my apartment, and I at first pull out a gun on him not trusting that he's real, but then he does seem to be ... Harvey, I hate to admit it, but I’m completely lost with this script! There's just so little cohesion between scenes. Nothing makes any sense.”

"OK, let's pull things back a little. Do you get to do anything heroic?"

“Well, I turn the tables on the skinheads after about 40 pages, grabbing one of their guns and shooting them.”

"Anything else?"

“I kind of just skim-read it after that. I think I have an affair with my new boss's daughter, and towards the end I'm locked up in a cell, not sure why ... there's a kind of Mexican standoff at the climax, me with a shotgun facing down two other guys with handguns.”

"Like me at the end of RESERVOIR DOGS! ... Except, no shotguns."

“I guess …”

“Hmm.”

“So … what do you think?”

“Hayden, son?”

“Yes, Harvey?”

“I have four rules for my career. Or at least I did, you know, when I was your age.”

“OK …”

“Would you like me to tell you them?”

“Yes please.”

“The first one is, find a high-class director and stick to him like glue. Now, I did five films with Marty Scorsese and yes, he ended up making Bobby D his go-to guy instead. Which is fine, I’m over it now. But I knew Marty was good, and he knew how to use me. Now, you had the right idea with George Lucas …”

“I thought so at the time …”

“But we’re talking about a man who obviously does not like to direct motion pictures. So, find yourself a new guy who's a bit more prolific.”

“OK.”

“Next rule: Show your vulnerable side. You’ve seen BAD LIEUTENANT? The scene in the church? Or when I’m cradling Tim Roth at the end of DOGS? Or my scene alone with Jodie Foster in TAXI DRIVER? Or basically any time I’m on screen in THE PIANO?”

“Yes! All brilliant work, Harvey.”

“Aw, thanks. The point is, kid, you can be the tough guy, but if you wanna win ‘em round, you gotta make ‘em cry.”

“Got it.”

“The third rule is, you can’t just be vulnerable on the inside. You gotta show what you’re worth underneath, behind all the bullshit we protect ourselves with.”

“Wait, are you talking about–”

“Yes, Hayden. You gotta go nude. You gotta let ‘em see Little Hayden.”

“Um …”

“I have appeared naked in seven motion pictures. Can Bobby DeNiro say that? Can Pacino say that? Did Marlon or Nicholson or Paul Newman ever do that? I don’t think so!”

“I see.”

“One final rule, kid.”

“Hit me, Harvey.”

“Cops. You gotta play cops.”

“OK.”

“COPKILLER, MORTAL THOUGHTS, THELMA & LOUISE, BAD LIEUTENANT, RISING SUN, THE YOUNG AMERICANS, CLOCKERS, COP LAND, RED DRAGON, NATIONAL TREASURE and its sequel … and those are just the ones I can remember.”

“Wow.”

“You betcha. So: latch onto a hot director, be vulnerable, give your johnson some air, and hold a badge. Nothing to it.”

“Got it. Thanks for the advice, Harvey.”

“No problem kid. See you on set – and hey, would it be OK if I showed you a few catalogues between setups? Because, I gotta tell you, oak frames are OK, but I'm leaning towards mahogany, or maybe pine. Or even accoya, whatever the hell that is ..."

“Sure, Harvey. It'd be my pleasure.”

“Thanks, kid. See ya.”

“Bye.”

(Click)

 

One star out of five.

 

 

Valid use of the word ‘last’?  Who the fuck knows.

What would a movie called THE FIRST MAN be about?  In 2016, if his wife had won the election, that would have been Bill Clinton.

 

Previously:  THE LAST TREE

Next time:  THE LAST FACE

Check out my books:  Jonathanlastauthor.com

THE LAST DAYS OF AMERICAN CRIME (2020, Olivier Megaton)

 

* * 

The not-too-distant future, and it's a real shitshow. So much so that the powers-that-be have resorted to broadcasting a signal that prevents people from engaging in unlawful acts.

Starring  Édgar Ramírez, Michael Pitt, Anna Brewster, Patrick Bergin, Sharlto Copley

Written by  Karl Gajdusek

Produced by  Jesse Berger, Jason Michael Berman, Barry Levine

Duration  149 minutes

  

JAWS is pretty much credited for establishing the summer blockbuster. But more than that, it’s one of the first of what can be classed as a ‘what if?’ movie. In the case of the 1976 hit, it’s a pretty innocuous one: What if a beachside tourist community was threatened by a man-eating shark during the 4th of July weekend?

It wasn’t until the more-is-more ’80s that big idea pictures reached their full potential. Mega producers like Joel Silver and Don Simpson & Jerry Bruckheimer made a killing on high concepts that could be summed up in one sentence. Anything that had the potential for high stakes, sexy characters, tense culture clashes and wide audience appeal. For instance:

– What if a racist white cop needed a black criminal to crack a case? 48 HRS (1982) (Silver)

– What if a sexy young woman worked as a welder by day and a stripper at night, with dreams of becoming a professional dancer? FLASHDANCE (1983) (Simpson & Bruckheimer)

– What if a streetwise Detroit cop used his brash ways to investigate a crime in Los Angeles's snootiest zip code? BEVERLY HILLS COP (1984) (Simpson & Bruckheimer)

– What if two virginal nerds manufactured a sexy young woman and became the most popular guys in school? WEIRD SCIENCE (1985) (Silver)

– What if sexy young pilots flew around in a vaguely competitive tournament, between games of beach volleyball and hanging around the locker-room shirtless? TOP GUN (1986) (Simpson & Bruckheimer)

– What if a black cop needed a white cop to crack a case, but couldn’t be sure that the white cop wasn’t a suicidal liability? LETHAL WEAPON (1987) (Silver)

– What if one gritty New York cop had to fight 15 European terrorists in an LA skyscraper on Christmas Eve? DIE HARD (1988) (Silver)

– What if it was TOP GUN again, but this time with cars that keep turning left around a big circle while the spectators hope for a crash? DAYS OF THUNDER (1990) (Simpson & Bruckheimer)

Now, THE LAST DAYS OF AMERICAN CRIME is hardly a summer blockbuster; it’s a Netflix original that is unlikely to ever be projected onto a large screen or inspire queues around the block.

But it does have a what-if scenario that would’ve fit right in during the '80s: What if the US Government made it physically impossible for anyone to commit a crime?

The first thing that comes to mind is Anthony Burgess’ A Clockwork Orange, where Alex is a guinea pig for a new method that induces revulsion to counteract his naughty urges. Then there’s Brave New World, where Aldous Huxley went the nicey-nicey route for keeping the populace in check – as opposed to 1984, with George Orwell’s "boot stamping on a human face" prevention through disenfranchisement: there can be no thoughtcrime if the state has removed the words from your vocabulary. 

More recently, similar territory to THE LAST DAYS OF AMERICAN CRIME has been explored in THE PURGE movie series, where society is allowed to get all the crime out its system for one anarchic night per year.

Unfortunately, LAST DAYS wraps its intriguing premise up in a generic crime thriller. It’s long, but not deep; violent, but unexciting; loud, but not clever. Disappointing, then, but perhaps not surprising, being that it comes to us from the director of TAKEN 2, TAKEN 3 and COLUMBIANA, the implausibly named Oliver Megaton. Plus, rather than the likes of Burgess, Huxley or Orwell, the source material is some comic book.

It’s the kind of movie where you’ve seen everything before: the plot points, the relationships, the attitudes, the tense interactions. Even the songs have all been used already in better movies: ‘Glory Box’ by Portishead (1996's STEALING BEAUTY); The Stooges’ ‘I Wanna Be Your Dog’ (from LOCK, STOCK AND TWO SMOKING BARRELLS in 1998 – and also recycled from Megaton’s own TRANSPORTER 3!). 

LAST DAYS turns out to be a heist movie, and the heist, when it eventually comes, is good – but not good enough to make up for the previous 110 minutes.

And by the end, I was left with my own 'what if?' question: what if they'd made THE LAST DAYS OF AMERICAN CRIME with more smarts, or more fun, or more originality? Basically, anything that could have stopped it becoming a bland, generic, overlong slog that’s worse than even the later PURGE sequels?

Two stars out of five.

Valid use of the word ‘last’?  To paraphrase Dr Ian Malcolm (Jeff Goldblum) in JURASSIC PARK, crime will find a way.

What would a movie called THE FIRST DAYS OF AMERICAN CRIME be about?  Someone stealing George Washington’s wooden teeth or something like that.

Previously:  ABOUT LAST NIGHT

Next time:  SAFETY LAST!

Check out my books:  Jonathanlastauthor.com

THE LAST STARFIGHTER (1984, Nick Castle)

 

* * * 

A teenager is so good at videogaming that aliens snap him up to fight in an interstellar war for real.

Starring  Lance Guest, Dan O'Herlihy, Robert Preston, Catherine Mary Stewart

Written by  Jonathan R Betuel

Produced by  Gary Adelson, Edward O Denault

Duration  101 minutes

INT. LORIMAR PRODUCTIONS, HOLLYWOOD, CA. - MID ‘80S

FADE IN on a HUGE MOUNTAIN, not unlike the Paramount logo.

PULL OUT to reveal that it is actually a HUGE PILE OF COCAINE, stacked up on a LONG DESK in a CORPORATE BOARDROOM.

We take in more of the boardroom and the several MOVIE EXECUTIVES who are buzzing around in an animated state of BRAINSTORMING. The walls are covered in POST-IT NOTES and the EXECUTIVES are GESTICULATING WILDLY at each other.

One of them, clearly the BOSS, CRASHES DOWN face-first into the coke and begins SNORTING IT LIKE AN OPEN HATCH ON A SPACE SHIP, while we tune into a nearby conversation.

 

EXECUTIVE #1
(excitedly)

I’ve got it! I’ve got it!

 

EXECUTIVE #2

What? What?

 

The BOSS looks up from his SCARFACE-STYLE MOUNTAIN OF POWDER to take in their exchange. The white mask on his face makes it look like he is participating in a DRUG-FUELLED REVERSE MINSTRAL SHOW.

EXECUTIVE #1

Okay, so you’ve got Arnold Schwarzenegger, right? He’s big, right?

 

EXECUTIVE #2

Big. Yeah?

 

EXECUTIVE #1

Right, okay, and so then you’ve got Danny Devito. He’s, he’s--

 

BOSS
(getting it)

Small...

EXECUTIVE #1

Yes! Small! They couldn’t be any different, but what if, what if-- guys, you’ve gotta hear this-- what if--

 

EXECUTIVE #3
(interrupting)

No good.

 

EXECUTIVE #1

What?

 

EXECUTIVE #3

My buddy is Ivan Reitman’s assistant. His people are already working on a treatment, I think it’s called 'Condom Full of Walnuts Meets Testicle with Arms'. Arnold and Danny as brothers. 

(beat)

I told my buddy they’re gonna need to work on that title.

 

SILENCE. Apart from the sound of ENORMOUS LINES OF COCAINE being snorted.

BOSS
(getting an idea)

Guys...

 

His colleagues all TURN TO HIM in TWITCHY ANTICIPATION.

 

BOSS (CONT'D)

I’ve got it. Kids like video games, right?

 

EXECUTIVE #2

Yeah...

 

BOSS

What’s better than just playing a video game?

 

No one knows. Many stand around RUBBING THEIR GUMS, as if expecting to find the answer there.

 

BOSS

Being a real hero in your own video game!

GASPS around the room. Everyone starts to rack up an EXTRA CHUNKY LINE. Everyone except EXECUTIVE #1.

 

EXECUTIVE #1
(timidly)

But, but boss ... didn’t Disney already do that? TROM or something--

 

BOSS

You’re fired!

(pushes an intercom)

Marlene, get me Universal.

(thinks a beat)

And Pablo Escobar!

FADE TO BLACK

Allow me to indulge in some nostalgia for a moment.

No, not for THE LAST STARFIGHTER. I’m certain I watched it as an adolescent but couldn’t remember much – just something about an arcade machine in a motorway service-station (actually turns out it was a trailer park), some kind of proto-X-WING game that our lead was so good at, he somehow got recruited to fight actual aliens. Other than that, I wasn't sure which memories were of this film and which were of everyone’s favourite Fred Savage-starring Super Mario Bros. 3 commercial, THE WIZARD.

My nostalgia is instead for a time when arcade machines were everywhere. If you popped out with your Dad to get fish and chips on a Friday night, there would be a Streetfighter 2 or Final Fight cabinet you could have a go on while the bloke behind the counter was still scooping out the chunky chips to join your battered saveloy. Cinema foyers had them, too; I have vivid memories of darting out of the queue for ROBIN HOOD: PRINCE OF THIEVES at the ABC Catford to give the 3D Pac-Mania a go.

But as the ’90s wore on, bit by bit the coin-operated game in the corner disappeared. Some suffered the indignity of being replaced by a fruit machine, which was no substitute, let me tell you.

THE LAST STARFIGHTER takes us back to that glorious time when the arcade machine was still king. 

The film booms into life with a space backdrop and a musical score that is the exact median between STAR WARS and SUPERMAN: THE MOVIE, over credits that come at you like FLASH GORDON. You certainly can’t accuse this thing of not setting its stall out early.

Our hero is Alex Rogan, who pines to escape his small town existence, where his reliability as a handyman around the trailer park means that he can't get away to spend Saturday with his pickup-driving pals and love interest – old Mrs Elvira’s dodgy pipework isn’t going to fix itself!

Now, Lance Guest was 24 at the time of filming, playing a character who is supposed to be a teenager. As with every time this happens, the most the filmmakers can do to sustain the illusion of youth is to keep poor Lance completely clean-shaven at all times. They must have had to put a razor to him between every take to prevent even one tell-tale hair poking through, removing trash bags full of empty shaving foam cans from the set each day. It’s surely only a matter of time before we see a class action lawsuit filed by Guest, Richard Grieco (TEEN AGENT), Alan Ruck (FERRIS BUELLER'S DAY OFF), Billy Warlock (SOCIETY) and the rest against movie studios for historic abuse, claiming debilitating skin conditions caused by years of stubble rash.

Anyway, Alex saunters off to relieve his frustrations by yanking furiously on his joystick. But today won't be like any of the other times he's stood prone in front of a screen with his brow furrowed and sweat seeping out of his pores. "Nine-hundred thousand – you're gonna bust the record!" exclaims the toothless old cleaner who likes to watch Alex when he's playing with himself.

This prompts the entire community to evacuate their trailers and gather around one man (I mean, boy) and his Starfighter arcade cabinet. The bleeps and blips are joined by whoops and cheers until the entire spectacle climaxes with the machine announcing that Alex is indeed a "record breaker".

But the trailer park folk aren’t the only ones to witness Alex be the best of the best at aiming long pixilated lines at moving pixilated shapes on a black background. Later that night, a humanoid alien in a flying DeLorean (five years before BACK TO THE FUTURE PART 2!) turns up and tells Alex that the game was really a recruitment tool and that Alex is "the best we’ve ever seen".

From then on, it’s basically what A NEW HOPE would have been like if the third act had taken up 80% of the movie. Back in 1984, with no new STAR WARS on the horizon after RETURN OF THE JEDI closed off the trilogy the previous summer, this would have been catnip for those desperately jonesing for more battles in space.

Viewed today, it's a palatable slice of cheese-on-toast from an era when a kid could still dream of immortality being just a 20p coin away.

Three stars out of five.

Valid use of the word ‘last’?  It’s kind of unclear as to how Alex is the last of those who fight among the stars, since he meets a shitload of others from a bunch of different planets. 

What would a movie called THE FIRST STARFIGHTER be about?  Arguably, it's STAR WARS: THE PHANTOM MENACE – since that whole saga is set ‘a long time ago’, they presumably made it into space before the rest of us.

Previously:  THE LAST SEVEN

Next time:  THE LAST THING HE WANTED

Check out my books:  Jonathanlastauthor.com

STAR WARS: THE LAST JEDI (2017, Rian Johnson)

 

* * * 

The First Order is being well out of order and the Resistance is trying to resist them, with reclusive former Jedi Luke Skywalker training youngster Rey in the Force.

Starring  Daisy Ridley, John Boyega, Adam Driver, Oscar Isaac, Mark Hamill, Domhnall Gleeson

Written by  Rian Johnson

Produced by  Kathleen Kennedy, Ram Bergman

Duration  152 minutes

Released in October 2012, the official Disney announcement about the Mouse House’s acquisition of Lucasfilm includes the following line from George himself: "It’s now time for me to pass STAR WARS on to a new generation of filmmakers." Elsewhere in the statement, Bob Iger, Disney’s chairman/CEO, says of Lucas, "He’s entertained, inspired, and defined filmmaking for almost four decades and we’re incredibly honoured that he has entrusted the future of that legacy to Disney."

Lucas wanted to give up his baby; he’d watched it grow up and had decided that it no longer needed him. He was still hurting from all the (deserved) criticism his prequel trilogy had received from fans who thought they knew better, and so this man who was clearly uncomfortable in the role of director – six films across 30 years with none between 1983 and 1999 or since 2005 – finally cashed out and took his winnings home.

But he didn’t leave without (a new) hope. Clearly, George had not stopped caring about wars among the stars: the press release vaguely promises that he will carry on "as creative consultant" to Kathleen Kennedy, which may or may not have actually happened. And there is no doubt that he wanted the franchise to be carried forward by the right people, filmmakers who could "entertain, inspire and define", as Iger – or, more likely, Iger’s PA – had put it.

And it really seemed like Kennedy was on the same page, judging by the talent she was lining up to fill George’s boots. But then the following happened:

– TOY STORY 3 writer Michael Arndt is fired from EPISODE VII.

– Gareth Edwards directs ROGUE ONE but is fired during post-production.

– Phil Lord and Chris Miller are hired to direct SOLO but are fired during production and replaced by Ron Howard, who reshoots most of the film.

– JURASSIC WORLD’s Colin Trevorrow is brought in to helm EPISODE IX but is fired and replaced by JJ Abrams.

– CHRONICLE’s Josh Trank is hired to direct a Boba Fett movie with a release target of 2018 but is fired before production begins. He’s replaced by LOGAN’s James Mangold, but the film still hasn’t been made.

And that’s not even a comprehensive list.

And what of THE LAST JEDI director Rian Johnson? The BRICK, LOOPER and, latterly, KNIVES OUT man was the biggest auteur of the lot and had been entrusted to helm a whole new trilogy. But audience backlash to the risks he took with LAST JEDI (you know, the kind of risks that filmmakers who can entertain, inspire and define the artform tend to take) spooked Disney and word on parts two and three went quiet. And Johnson's fanbase-dividing decisions were then all reversed in the next episode.

My own reaction to the post-Lucas Skywalker trilogy, as someone who doesn’t really care about STAR WARS but who will go see a new instalment since they're such cultural events, was that I understood why Disney had gone so safe with THE FORCE AWAKENS. Sixteen years on from REVENGE OF THE SITH (the only watchable entry in the prequel trilogy), they needed to get the fans back onside with an onslaught of nostalgia and I thought Abrams pulled if off commendably.

Then THE LAST JEDI tried to do something different while still managing to be entertaining and yes, I did resent how Disney then abandoned Johnson’s refreshing anti-family-legacy direction for THE RISE OF SKYWALKER – especially because that time the ‘safety first’ approach really backfired. Oh my sweet Lord. SKYWALKER was just awful: boring, derivative and lacking any kind of energy or inspiration, with an incredibly lazy plot-point-to-plot-point ‘OK, we’ve got that thing, we may as well head off now to get the next thing’ narrative. There hasn't been a STAR WARS movie since and God only knows how they are going to recover from that travesty. 

Meanwhile, my second viewing of middle-entry LAST JEDI for this review did little to alter my earlier impressions:

– It still has Domhnall Gleeson channelling Peter Cushing, alongside Eddie Hitler from Bottom.

– Ford is still gone, but Hammill is back (making brave character decisions while living off green milk straight from a sea mammal’s teat) and Fisher remains with us, for now.

– Laura Dern still turns up to work with a purple rinse, clearly modelled after Phyllis Pearce from Coronation Street.

– It still doesn't make sense that Kylo Ren would have his hair that long if he's going to sweat inside a helmet all day. Go for the number one all over, mate!

– It still has the courage to be STAR WARS while also being about STAR WARS, and its fans, with a candidness that made some of those fans uncomfortable.

– It's still the most political entry in this space opera by a large margin, as is typical of Johnson, which was another thing that antagonised some.

– It still manages to mostly make you forget that the reason it exists is to sell toys.

– And it's still probably the best one of these things since THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK.

And so how does the future look for STAR WARS movies? Will Kennedy et al stop being so trigger-happy and let writers and directors follow through with progressive ideas that won’t please everyone but which may be the only way to keep this saga of all sagas alive?

Only time will tell. All I’ll say is, I hope that right at this moment George is enjoying his billions and that they are providing great comfort. 

Three stars out of five.

Valid use of the word ‘last’?  These things never end; there will always be more. There will always be more and you will always come to see them.

What would a movie called THE FIRST JEDI be about?  "According to the Legends universe, the first Jedi ever was Prime Jedi, who founded the Jedi Order around 25,000 BBY (before the Battle of Yavin) on the planet of Anch-To." So now you know.

Previously:  LAST KNIGHTS

Next time:  THE LAST FIVE YEARS

Check out my books:  Jonathanlastauthor.com