*
It’s the end of the world as we know it, and I feel … like it’s yet another post-apocalypse movie, this time with a lot of brooding, murky visuals and Hayden Christensen.
Starring Hayden
Christensen, Harvey Keitel, Marco Leonardi, Liz Solari, Justin Kelly, Rafael
Spregelburd
Written
by Rodrigo H Vila, Gustavo Lencina
Produced
by Gustavo Lencina, Rodrigo H Vila
Duration 100
minutes
(Ring ring, ring ring)
“Hello?”
“Hi,
um, is that Mr Keitel?”
“No,
Mr Keitel is my father.”
“Oh
… um, but …”
“And also me. I’m just teasing you, son.”
“Right
…”
“What
can I do for you?”
“Sorry
to call so late … it’s Hayden.”
“I’m
sorry … who?”
“Hayden
Christensen.”
“From
the contractor? Ah, I’m glad you called, son. I needed to talk to you about windows. Now, my wife, she thinks we should be getting the oak
frames, but me, well …”
“No,
sorry, I’m not calling about your, uh, about your windows.”
“Oh,
I apologise. So, who did you say you were?”
“Christensen,
Hayden Christensen.”
“Hmm.”
“From
the STAR WARS prequels?”
“Oh,
you were the little kid, from that space race?”
“No,
that was Jake Lloyd. Look, Mr Keitel–”
“Harvey.”
“Harvey,
I’m Hayden Christensen. We’re gonna be in this movie together, THE LAST
MAN?”
“Oh,
right! Now I remember. And son, I was right the first time.”
“What
do you mean?”
“Well,
I’m only doing that movie so I can get us a sunroom in the Malibu place. Or a solarium, whatever you call it. So, in a way, you were
calling me about that.”
“... Right.”
“So,
what’s on your mind, Hayden? Young Padawan?”
“Well,
Mr … Harvey. It’s just that … I’m having second thoughts about the movie.”
“Oh?
Can’t your agent negotiate a better fee?”
“No,
it’s not the money … although … no, that’s the thing. I’m not doing it just for
the money.”
“Of
course you’re not. You’re young.”
“Well,
I’m 37 now …”
“Really?
Jeez, those STAR WARS movies were a while ago now, huh?”
“Tell
me about it.”
“So, OK, you’re relatively young. You still have a career ahead of you.”
“Well
…”
“But
me, I’ve been doing this for 50 years! I don’t have to care about what the
actual movie is. If I decide – or, more usually, the old lady decides – that it’s
time for a new conservatory, then so long as they pay me enough to cover the
costs, you better believe that I’m getting that conservatory.”
“OK,
but it’s different for me.”
“Of
course it is, Hayden. That’s what I’m trying to tell you.”
“So,
what I really wanted to know was–”
“You
wanted to know if I think that you should do this film.”
“Yes!
If you don’t mind.”
“You’d
like some advice from someone who’s been around the block once or twice.”
“Exactly.”
“Or
three or four times.”
“Right.”
“Hmm.
Well, what is it that’s giving you doubts, son?”
“OK.
Well, look. You’ve read the script, right?”
“Why
in the hell would I do that?”
“Right, OK, sorry. Um, but you do know that it’s kind of a grim, dystopian, vaguely futuristic type deal?”
“I had a vague inkling.”
“I start off with a beard, losing my mind, in a hellhole. Flashbacks to a war where I'm a soldier.”
“Mmm …”
“I have a lot of voiceover exposition at the start ... it's set in a world the sounds like Blade Runner but on a ten-dollar budget. I describe it as being ‘the end of the world’.”
“OK …”
“I get the shit kicked out of me by a skinhead gang in the rain about 10 pages in. Then, at 15 pages, I hold a gun to my head but can't pull the trigger.”
“Right …”
“I can't really work out what happened in the backstory in my narration: the economy collapses, millions dead, I think there was some kind of ecological disaster? Then you show up on TV, talking about ‘a storm coming’, but I can't work out of if you're speaking about an actual storm or if it's just a metaphor.”
“Oh, that’s right. Like you, I have a beard in this one. So, I'm going to play the character as a spiritual successor to Jacob in FROM DUSK TILL DAWN, where I also had a beard. Except my beard is going to be longer this time.”
“Right. Um, so I also meet some creepy kid, or he may just be a manifestation of my own insanity or my guilt or something like that. Then about 25 pages in I decide I need some money for ... something, so I get a job. It's not clear what this job entails, but I'm interviewed in an office by a man in a suit. Then after about 30 pages, an old army buddy of mine turns up at my apartment, and I at first pull out a gun on him not trusting that he's real, but then he does seem to be ... Harvey, I hate to admit it, but I’m completely lost with this script! There's just so little cohesion between scenes. Nothing makes any sense.”
"OK, let's pull things back a little. Do you get to do anything heroic?"
“Well, I turn the tables on the skinheads after about 40 pages, grabbing one of their guns and shooting them.”
"Anything else?"
“I kind of just skim-read it after that. I think I have an affair with my new boss's daughter, and towards the end I'm locked up in a cell, not sure why ... there's a kind of Mexican standoff at the climax, me with a shotgun facing down two other guys with handguns.”
"Like me at the end of RESERVOIR DOGS! ... Except, no shotguns."
“I guess …”
“Hmm.”
“So … what do you think?”
“Hayden, son?”
“Yes, Harvey?”
“I have four rules for my career. Or at least I did, you know, when I was your age.”
“OK …”
“Would you like me to tell you them?”
“Yes please.”
“The first one is, find a high-class director and stick to him like glue. Now, I did five films with Marty Scorsese and yes, he ended up making Bobby D his go-to guy instead. Which is fine, I’m over it now. But I knew Marty was good, and he knew how to use me. Now, you had the right idea with George Lucas …”
“I thought so at the time …”
“But we’re talking about a man who obviously does not like to direct motion pictures. So, find yourself a new guy who's a bit more prolific.”
“OK.”
“Next rule: Show your vulnerable side. You’ve seen BAD LIEUTENANT? The scene in the church? Or when I’m cradling Tim Roth at the end of DOGS? Or my scene alone with Jodie Foster in TAXI DRIVER? Or basically any time I’m on screen in THE PIANO?”
“Yes! All brilliant work, Harvey.”
“Aw, thanks. The point is, kid, you can be the tough guy, but if you wanna win ‘em round, you gotta make ‘em cry.”
“Got it.”
“The third rule is, you can’t just be vulnerable on the inside. You gotta show what you’re worth underneath, behind all the bullshit we protect ourselves with.”
“Wait, are you talking about–”
“Yes, Hayden. You gotta go nude. You gotta let ‘em see Little Hayden.”
“Um …”
“I have appeared naked in seven motion pictures. Can Bobby DeNiro say that? Can Pacino say that? Did Marlon or Jack or Paul Newman ever do that? I don’t think so!”
“I see.”
“One final rule, kid.”
“Hit me, Harvey.”
“Cops. You gotta play cops.”
“OK.”
“COPKILLER, MORTAL THOUGHTS, THELMA & LOUISE, BAD LIEUTENANT (of course), RISING SUN, THE YOUNG AMERICANS, CLOCKERS, COP LAND, RED DRAGON, NATIONAL TREASURE and its sequel … and those are just the ones I can remember.”
“Wow.”
“You betcha. So: latch onto a hot director, be vulnerable, give your johnson some air, and hold a badge. Nothing to it.”
“Got it. Thanks for the advice, Harvey.”
“No problem kid. See you on set – and hey, would it be OK if I showed you a few catalogues between setups? Because, I gotta tell you, oak frames are OK, but I'm leaning towards mahogany, or maybe pine. Or even accoya, whatever the hell that is ..."
“Sure, Harvey. It'd be my pleasure.”
“Thanks, kid. See ya.”
“Bye.”
(Click)
One star out of five.
Valid
use of the word ‘last’? Who the fuck knows.
What would a movie called THE FIRST MAN be about? In
2016, if his wife had won the election, that would have been Bill Clinton.
Previously: THE LAST TREE
Next time: THE LAST FACE
Check
out my books: Jonathanlastauthor.com
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