THE LAST DAYS ON MARS (2013, Ruairí Robinson)

 

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Researchers on Earth's nearest neighbour encounter something that doesn't like them poking around it.

Starring  Liev Schreiber, Elias Koteas, Romola Garai, Olivia Williams

Written by  Clive Dawson

Produced by  Michael Kuhn, Andrea Cornwell

Duration  98 minutes   

 

Dear Mom,

Well, I finally did it. I emigrated to Mars! I know you said I'd never do it, but here I am.

The problem with Hollywood was, you can't move for wannabe screenwriters. The competition was just getting too much. So, after I sold all my possessions except the clothes on my back (and my Macbook, of course!) I could just about afford a fifth-class ticket on the very first commercial transit to the Red Colonies!

As you can imagine, onboard living conditions weren't exactly the best. It was like being below deck on the Titanic, except no Leo – sadly! And we made it on time – no "Meteor, right ahead!" or anything like that! And yeah, I'm not living in the best digs now that I've arrived, either, although it's better than my old apartment in the North Valley, that's for sure.

I'll tell you one good thing about that space journey, though. Three months is obviously a lot of time to kill. And so the ship laid plenty of free entertainment on us, including a wide selection of movie theatres. So, you can guess where I spent most of my time!

And I thought, you know what, it's a great opportunity to do some research. Because, ma (and this won't surprise you much either), this whole time I've been thinking about my next screenplay project. I'm gonna write the definitive Mars movie! And wouldn't you know it – one of the theatres had a series of movies set on my new red home. Talk about a great chance to get inspired!

I tried to learn something from each one of those Mars movies, and, now I've set foot on red soil, compare it to the reality.

For example, they screened THE MARTIAN, that one with Matt Damon. Now, I know I'm not gonna get left alone here like he was, since there were more than 5,000 in my space cruiser alone and there's at least another dozen more of those besides.

And I didn't see any zombie types on the shuttle bus out to the colony, so we're not in a GHOSTS OF MARS situation, either! I had got the idea from TOTAL RECALL that Mars might be kinda dirty, with prostitutes and strip bars everywhere, but don't worry ma, it's nothing like that. Not the parts I've seen, anyway.

MARS NEEDS MOMS did have kind of a point, though. We do need to populate this place. I haven't had much of a chance to socialise yet, but maybe you'll someday be attending your first wedding on another planet? Would I have to wear a red tux?! But what Mars definitely doesn't need is any of the monster thingies from JOHN CARTER. Giant apes with two-foot fangs? No thank you!

I would say something about MISSION TO MARS and RED PLANET, but to be truthful, I can't remember which one was which. Instead, I wanna talk about one other movie, since it was only yesterday I watched it so it sticks in my memory, and also 'cause unlike the others, I'd never even heard of it before. It's called THE LAST DAYS ON MARS.

Liev Schreiber is a scientist type dude over on the ol' fourth rock from the sun. He's just out there (I mean, here!) drilling away into them red rocks they/we got everywhere. Liev and his handful of other drillers are coming to the end of their six-month mission, where they've been trying to get some samples or find something. You know – science stuff. 

So yeah, they're all cranky with each other: Liev and that guy Elias Koteas, who was Casey Jones in the original NINJA TURTLES movie, and also that British chick Olivia Williams, who was dead Bruce Willis's wife in THE SIXTH SENSE. And a bunch of other guys, all different accents, so a multicultural Mars – which is nice and all.

So alright, they're looking forward to leaving the planet and can't wait to return to the green lush of Earth. Haha, I hope that's not me in six months' time! Anyway, one of the scientists with an accent – I think he's German or French or Spanish, one of those European places, anyway – discovers from one of those 'samples' that there may be, like, alien life. But when he goes out to investigate he's mysteriously killed, and so his buddies have to find out what happened. And, you know, they start blaming each other and getting all paranoid, that kind of business. And next thing you know, they're all getting possessed and attacking each other.

Look, I'll level with you ma. When I saw this movie described as a 'horror/thriller' I got a bit concerned and I nearly didn't watch it. Like, I'm already on a brand new frickin' planet here. Do I really want to start making the place seem scarier than it already is? But I shouldn’t have worried. There wasn't much that was horrific or thrilling in THE LAST DAYS OF MARS. And you know what? It wasn't like them being on Mars even mattered to the plot or anything. It could have been out on an oil rig, or in Alaska (like THE THING) or, I dunno, the middle of Wyoming or somewhere.

OK, fine, there is a part where one of the crew who's gone nuts bursts into their science station and sticks a power drill straight into his buddy's chest. That scene was kinda cool. And then the British chick hits him over the head with a fire extinguisher. But mostly it's just people arguing. Arguing with spacesuits on. With the occasional glimpse at some reddish rocks through the window. Some of the characters live, most of them die. 

What are the survival chances for the biggest names in the cast, Liev Schreiber and Olivia Williams, you might ask? Do I need to point out an anagram you can get from his first name by swapping the last two letters, or tell you that 'Olivia' is often shortened to 'Liv'? (OK, full disclosure: I fell asleep before the end, so I'm just guessing. Maybe they both die horribly.)

Look ma, I gotta go. I've an interview tomorrow for the Mars Mining Corp first thing in the morning. Ha, might turn out that soon I'll be out there drilling for samples, like the poor guys in THE LAST DAYS ON MARS!

Hmm. Maybe I shouldn't have watched that flick yesterday, after all ...

Love to Dad,

Your son

Two stars out of five.

 

Valid use of the word ‘last’?  The ones that didn't make it certainly won't be setting foot on the planet again.

What would a movie called THE FIRST DAYS ON MARS be about?  Getting to know each other, team-building exercises, reserving spaces in the fridges. Those sorts of things.

Previously:  THE LAST EXORCISM: PART II

Next time:  LAST DANCE 

Check out my books:  Jonathanlastauthor.com

THE LAST EXORCISM: PART II (2013, Ed Gass-Donnelly)

 

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Looks like they lied about it being all over, exorcism fans.

Starring  Ashley Bell, Julia Garner, Spencer Treat Clark, David Jensen, Tarra Riggs, Louis Herthum

Written by  Damien Chazelle, Ed Gass-Donnelly   

Produced by  Eric Newman, Eli Roth, Marc Abraham, Thomas A Bliss   

Duration  88 minutes   

 

You know, films with 'last' in their title are rarely obvious candidates for sequels. There are exceptions, but generally speaking, something described with that word does not readily beget a follow-up.

The main reason to make a sequel to a film is, of course, if it made loads of money. Then, in the words of Dr Ian Malcolm in JURASSIC PARK (six follow-ups and counting): "Life ... uh, will find a way." And that includes legacy sequels, which are just a delayed reaction to something that's been profitable in the longer term.

But let's ignore capitalism for a moment. Let's pretend all that matters is whether the story warrants being continued. Come on, we can do it.

'Last' movies do indeed seem unlikely to qualify, but they aren't the only ones. Take HIGHLANDER, for instance. "There can be only one" they told us – so, the end of the line once the only immortal left was Connor McCloud. right? But we still got HIGHLANDER II: THE QUICKENING, which took the route of being utterly nonsensical to try to get around its leaps in logic.

And I've always been pretty surprised about the existence of FRENCH CONNECTION II and STAYING ALIVE (SATURDAY NIGHT FEVER 2), coming as they did after a pair of serious and seemingly standalone films. And let's not forget THE NEVERENDING STORY, referenced in The Simpsons as a classic case of false advertising.

Then there are those movies with scenarios that are so off-the-wall, so bonkers, that it would be implausible to repeat them. Not that this stopped the green light flashing for WEEKEND AT BERNIE'S II or HOME ALONE 2 or MANNEQUIN TWO: ON THE MOVE or THE HANGOVER PART II. That last one ended up stretching to a trilogy, albeit only by taking a sharp left turn in eking out the third one.

And then there's the market for cash-ins that trade on a brand name, like AMERICAN PSYCHO 2, THE STING II or THE RAGE: CARRIE II. These usually don't even bother to pretend they're related to the original. Although in the case of KING KONG LIVES, they did decide to go for continuity. Um, wait ... but didn't the giant gorilla die? Empire State Building? Big fall?

But as far as nonsensical titles for sequels go, THE LAST EXORCISM: PART II has to take the biscuit. I mean, just look at it! Hilariously, the pseudo-pretentious use of Roman numerals makes it look like it's actually THE LAST EXORCISM: PART ELEVEN.

But LAST EXORCISM 2 is of course only following one film, not ten. And that film was a not-bad found-footagey effort, starring a bloke who was in Better Call Saul.

Patrick Fabian isn't in this one, although he is part of the opening recap. Something else that doesn't return is the mockumentary format - just like BOOK OF SHADOWS: BLAIR WITCH 2, we have here a pair of flicks where the original flirts with realism and the sequel goes for full-on movieism.

Something else LAST EXORCISM 2 does is follow the monster into the next instalment rather than the good guys, in the best Freddy Kruger, Jason Voorhees and Michael Myers tradition. I mean, if you ignore A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET 1, 3 and 7, where we stay with Nancy Thompson; FRIDAY THE 13TH 4-6, with Tommy Jarvis; and HALLOWEEN 2, 3, 7, and 8, which are led by Laurie Strode.

To be fair, 'monster' is a strong word for poor teenager Nell Sweetzer (Ashley Bell), the possessed girl from last time around. She's the protagonist now, but since that pesky demon just can't stop with its darn posessin', she's at least the bad guy by proxy. 

At the start of the film, Nell is found by the authorities, disoriented and with no memory of the climax to part one, where she was the only survivor from her entire family. She's put up in a halfway house, making friends with the other troubled girls, getting a cleaning job, awkwardly flirting with a local boy, etc. But soon enough, she's bothered again by a strange presence, something ethereal that's not done with her yet ...

This is one of those horror films that gets described as 'slow burn'. What that means here is precious few scares, little intensity and a PG-13 certificate (12A in the UK). So, it can't use any of the usual tactics to perk up our interest: gore, nudity, excessive language. Bell is likable and you feel for her plight, but she's not able to make the movie compelling all by herself.

And look, yes there is another exorcism, of sorts. But it's not the same one, therefore this isn't really 'part two', is it? I would have preferred it if part one had been just the first two acts of the story, and then they saved the actual exorcism for this film, making it one long 90-minute real-time procedure, done in a single take with no let up.

Alas.

Closing note: Damien Chazelle, the youngest winner of the Academy Award for Best Director at age 32 with LA LA LAND, is a co-writer here. He had no credits on the first film; clearly we have a case of a freelance gig early in his Hollywood career. I guess WHIPLASH was kind of a horror film, though, so this isn't too incongruous.

Two stars out of five.

Valid use of the word ‘last’?  To date, there has been no THE LAST EXORCISM: PART III. I am not holding my breath, nor my crucifix.

What would a movie called THE FIRST EXORCISM: PART II be about?  A working title for this film was the even more baffling BEGINNING OF THE END: THE LAST EXORCISM II. So, I guess, that?

Previously:  THE LAST DAYS OF DISCO

Next time:  THE LAST DAYS ON MARS

Check out my books:  Jonathanlastauthor.com

 

THE LAST DAYS OF DISCO (1998, Whit Stillman)

 

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Two young women hang out in a Manhattan nightclub in 1980.

Starring  Chloë Sevigny, Kate Beckinsale, Chris Eigeman, Robert Sean Leonard, Jennifer Beals

Written by  Whit Stillman

Produced by  Whit Stillman   

Duration  113 minutes   

 

 

Quentin Tarantino likes movies. This we know. And his genre influences are clear, including blaxploitation (JACKIE BROWN), Asian-influenced action (KILL BILL), and men-on-a-mission (INGLORIOUS BASTERDS).

But there's one movie, one specific movie, that Tarantino champions more than any other. It's the one at the centre of this quote:

"When I start to get serious about a girl, I show her RIO BRAVO. And she better fuckin' like it."

(I feel the same way about COMMANDO; fortunately, Mrs Last grew up watching it.)

The director has repeatedly tried to replicate the siege portion of the film he treasures so: with RESERVOIR DOGS, with THE HATEFUL EIGHT, with his screenplay for FROM DUSK TILL DAWN.

But on a wider level, RIO BRAVO also belongs to a particular sub-genre: the hangout movie, a term that is widely believed to have been coined by Tarantino himself.

The hangout movie has taken many forms over the years. RIO BRAVO is broadly about John Wayne hanging out in a frontier town. Beyond Tarantino's own contributions to the form – PULP FICTION, ONCE UPON A TIME ... IN HOLLYWOOD, the non-car parts of DEATH PROOF – other notable hangout movies include:

KIDS (1995): Hanging out with reckless, sex-crazed, skateboarding teenage delinquents.

CLERKS (1994): Hanging out with retail workers discussing pop culture and promiscuous ex-girlfriends.

DAZED AND CONFUSED (1993): Hanging out on the last day of school in the mid-'70s.

THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Hanging out and making new friends during Saturday detention.

AMERICAN GRAFFITI (1973): Hanging out in the early '60s, mostly in cars.

EASY RIDER (1969): Hanging out in the late '60s, mostly on motorbikes.

BEFORE SUNRISE (1995): Hanging out all night in Vienna with someone you just met while Interrailing.

FRIDAY (1995): Hanging out in South Central LA on the last day of the working week.

HOOPER (1978): Hanging out with Burt Reynolds doing lots of stunts.

SWINGERS (1996): Hanging out with Vince Vaughn trying to pick up ladies and saying things like "You're so money, baby!"

THE BIG LEBOWSKI (1998): Hanging out bowling while entangled inside a neo-noir mystery.

EMPIRE RECORDS (1995): Hanging out in a record store for the last time before it closes down.

DINER (1982): Hanging out with one half of the Wet Bandits, Mickey Rourke when he looked good, Steve Guttenberg and Burke from ALIENS.

SIDEWAYS (2004): Hanging out in Napa Valley getting tipsy on free wine samples.

FAST TIMES AT RIDGEMOUNT HIGH (1982): Hanging out at school.

FERRIS BUELLER'S DAY OFF (1986): Hanging out and not going to school.

SUPERBAD (2007): Hanging out after school and trying to get laid.

BOOKSMART (2019): Same again, but with girls.

And so here we have THE LAST DAYS OF DISCO, which is 'hanging out in a New York nightclub in the early '80s'.

Our main hanger-outers are played by Chloe Sevigny and Kate Beckinsale. Both are poorly paid readers at a Manhattan publisher who are trying to get more out of their lives, including their night lives. They regularly go to the same disco, when they can get past the snooty ponytailed doorman, to meet various guys: ad guys, marketing guys, Wall Street guys.

Not a lot actually happens in this movie. It's certainly sharply written and well-observed, with some amusing lines. But that's about it. Sevigny seems vaguely out if it at all times, as if she was going Method during all those trips to the bar. Beckinsale, meanwhile, struggles with dialogue seemingly written to be read rather than spoken aloud. She has this oddly measured manner, saddled with words like 'several' and 'somewhat' and tin-eared expressions like 'terribly encouraging'.

I'm not sure how I feel about hangout movies, overall. The thing is, you have real life to just hang out with people. Why are we instead watching a movie? Isn't it because we want a story? Where life is no longer random and meaningless, but instead everything happens for a reason, people learn lessons and the heroes always win?

These kinds of casual, unhurried movies go against the screenwriting manuals. Those things a script is supposed to have to 'work': structure, escalating tension, stakes, emotional journeys, all that stuff.

And yet, hang out movies do still work a lot of the time, on the strength of the writing and the characters. I definitely like most of the titles on the above list. The theory goes that the more you enjoy the company of these people, the more you will enjoy their antics.

But did I like spending time with the characters in THE LAST DAYS OF DISCO? Um, not as such.

This was the third film by Whit Stillman. He specialises in chronicling the lives of vacuous yuppies, calling DISCO the last entry in his 'doomed bourgeois in love' trilogy. You get the impression the writer/director doesn't expect us to like these insufferable people. Which really doesn't help matters.

And I have to say, I found the disco soundtrack kind of annoying. By 1980, when this movie takes place, we could have had something a bit harder, a bit more modern sounding. Donna Summer's 'I Feel Love' had been out for years by then, and its producer Giorgio Moroder was starting to establish the mainstream electronic sound. Instead, we get fluff like 'Freak Out', 'He's the Greatest Dancer', 'Good Times', etc.

Not really the kind of place I'd like to hang out, I'm afraid.

Two stars out of five.

 

 

Valid use of the word ‘last’?  I don't know/care enough about the timeline of the musical genre to judge.

What would a movie called THE FIRST DAYS OF DISCO be about?  It would have to be set a decade earlier, I guess.

Previously: THE LAST SHIFT

Next time:  THE LAST EXORCISM: PART II

Check out my books:  Jonathanlastauthor.com

THE LAST SHIFT (2020, Andrew Cohn)

 

* * * 

Old meets young across the griddle; burgers are served and lessons are learned.

Starring  Richard Jenkins, Shane Paul McGhie, Da’Vine Joy Randolph, Ed O’Neill

Written by  Andrew Cohn

Produced by  Albert Berger, Ron Yerxa, Sam Bisbee, Alex Lipschultz, Bert Kern  

Duration  90 minutes

THE LAST SHIFT stars Richard Jenkins. Films do not usually star Richard Jenkins. This is despite Jenkins being a professional actor who mostly acts in feature films. 

Have you ever recognised an actor from multiple films whose name escapes you? That's a character actor. 'That guy from' or 'that woman who was in'.

Sometimes, character actors do get leading roles. Two of the greatest, Paul Giamatti and Jeffrey Wright, were nominated in the Best Actor category (rather than Supporting) at the 2024 Academy Awards, for THE HOLDOVERS and AMERICAN FICTION. In the end, OPPENHEIMER's Cillian Murphy went home with the statue – not usually a headliner himself, unless you count the overrated Peaky Blinders on TV. And back in 2007, undisputed supporting player royalty Forest Whitaker also won as a headliner.

So what happens when character actors get leading success? Do they see it as an opportunity to break out, or are they happy to go right back to low billings? Is character acting a choice or were they forced into it because they aren't 'traditional leading material' – AKA not good looking enough? Conversely, some conventionally attractive performers have been described as character actors in a lead actor's skin. They mostly skew the usual romcoms or action hero parts for quirkier fare, more stretching roles, working with auteur directors. Brad Pitt comes to mind, as does Robert Pattinson.

Richard Jenkins, meanwhile, may be the ultimate character actor. The male example, at least – Bojack Horseman made a compelling case for recurring guest star 'Character Actress Margo Martindale'.

Jenkins is certainly one of my favourite character actors. Being lesser-known doesn't mean these performers can't have memorable roles; take Jenkins' sad-sack gym manager in BURN AFTER READING. As the only likable person among a gang of selfish oddballs, his unrequited pining for the vacuous Frances McDormand is particularly heart-breaking amongst the movie's nihilistic zaniness.

In THE LAST SHIFT, Jenkins' role is one all character actors end up with eventually: the elderly mentor. Having worked most of his life at a 24-hour fast-food joint, his Stanley is finally on his way out, due to retire down to Florida to take care of his ailing mother.

Into Stanley's life comes Shane Paul McGhie's 20-something Jevon, recently paroled and trying to get back on the straight and narrow to support his new-born baby and exasperated girlfriend.

Stan is proud to have held down his job for 40 years, no matter how menial a life flipping burgers may have been. Jevon, in contrast, has bounced from job to job but is no layabout: he's a writer who dwells on workers' rights, race, privilege and more besides. As they spend the long night shifts chatting away, these two opposites start to get to know – and appreciate – each other.

It sounds corny and the film is admittedly slight. But it works as a drama, light on cliché and strong on performance. Not just Jenkins (natch) but also McGhie as his young foil.

THE LAST SHIFT is not subtle about portraying Jenkins as a loser in time-honoured movie terms. He takes the bus to work, because using public transportation means you are a failure; and when he does finally get a car, it's not even a 'cool car' – for shame! And he works in the service industry, the kind of career you quickly walk away from, not one you aspire to stay in. And he talks about his mother a lot, which ever since PSYCHO has been a big red flag. Not that he goes on a killing spree while dressed in her clothes or anything like that.

That's pretty much all I've got to say about THE LAST SHIFT. So, in closing, here are 12 films that you may not have realised Richard Jenkins is in:

SPOTLIGHT (2015) – as Richard Sipe

WHITE HOUSE DOWN (2013) – as Raphelson

THE KINGDOM (2007) – as Robert Grace

I HEART HUCKABEES (2004) – as Mr Hooten

THE CORE (2003) – as General Purcell

THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT MARY (1998) – as a psychiatrist

ABSOLUTE POWER (1997) – as Michael McCarty

BLUE STEEL (1990) – as Attorney Mel Dawson

SEA OF LOVE (1989) – as Gruber

THE WITCHES OF EASTWICK (1987) – as Clyde Alden

HANNAH AND HER SISTERS (1986) – as Dr Wilkes

SILVERADO (1986) – as Kelly

Three stars out of five.

 

Valid use of the word ‘last’?  Technically, the narrative revolves around several of Stanley's shifts up until the actual last one, but we'll give it a pass.

What would a movie called THE FIRST SHIFT be about?  They could CGI Jenkins to look 40 years younger, like De Niro and Pacino in THE IRISHMAN. That would be cool.

 

Previously:  THE LAST AMERICAN HERO

Next time:  THE LAST DAYS OF DISCO

Check out my books:  Jonathanlastauthor.com

THE LAST AMERICAN HERO (1973, Lamont Johnson)

 

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A man can drive cars real good. According to this movie, that is a heroic act.

Starring  Jeff Bridges, Valerie Perrine, Geraldine Fitzgerald, Gary Busey

Written by  William Roberts, William Kerby

Produced by  William Roberts, John Cutts

Duration  95 minutes

If I had been born with the surname 'American', which movies would I be reviewing for this blog?

Let's see, there's American ULTRA, GANGSTER, PIE (plus sequels), GRAFFITI, SNIPER, HUSTLER, BEAUTY, PSYCHO, DREAMZ, BUFFALO, HAUNTING, WET HOT SUMMER, GIGOLO, HISTORY X, NINJA (plus sequels), PRESIDENT, SPLENDOR ...

Or what about 'America' instead? I wonder if former Ugly Betty star America Ferrera needs a hobby? She could line up things like COMING TO AMERICA, MADE IN AMERICA, ONCE UPON A TIME IN AMERICA ...

Of course, when a movie has a title like THE LAST AMERICAN HERO, using both 'last' and 'American', the point is moot. It's even happened once already.

One thing to get out the way is I don't approve of our current normalisation of the word 'hero', either in society or in movies. It's like the abuse of the word 'awesome'. Sunsets are awesome, the unfathomable hugeness of the universe is awesome. A new range of McDonald's burgers is not awesome. Neither is Jack Black voicing a panda who learns kung-fu. 

So, how is this movie using the word 'hero'? Is it sincere or is it sarcastic? Maybe it dodges the issue altogether?

Well, I can sum up its position in a word: driving. We open with Jeff Bridges driving – fast. Hurtling from the police like he's robbed a bank, but actually just because he likes to go very fast and since he's being chased is accelerating even faster to escape. Jeff's heading home to his cranky mama; he also has a brother, who's played by a young Gary Busey (aged 29; Bridges was a mere pup at 24). And right after pulling up at their ramshackle shack, having successfully outmanoeuvred the copper, he's chirping at his family about 'supercharging' the thing that enables his driving: his car.

Now, I am not a car person. If heroism is going to be attributed to the ability to successfully manipulate an automobile, then I am unlikely to be impressed. And so it follows that I was not.

Next, there's driving. Yes, driving – more driving. And skidding! Though the woods, away from another cop car, at dusk (I think - it could have just been poorly lit). Jeff driving really fast while singing along to country music. There's more bloody driving even than in Bridges' other car movie, Francis Ford Coppola's TUCKER: THE MAN AND HIS DREAM. Vroom-vroom.

Now, THE LAST AMERICAN HERO is based on an article by Tom Wolfe, about real-life speed-freak Junior Jackson. It was Wolfe who dubbed Jackson an 'American hero'. (Although it could have been a hyperbolic sub-editor.) And having now sat through the whole film, I'm still struggling to pin down what it is that makes this brash moron a hero, however thin the definition of the word may be today.

Beyond the automobile action, there is a plot. Jackson's papa gets banged up for distilling moonshine. Junior then stumbles into supporting the family with his four-wheeled talents: first in a demolition derby, then by winning races against other cars going around in a big circle while spectators stand on the roofs of their trailers hollering, formally known as NASCAR.

Look, it's definitely good that he goes off to earn money for the family, what with their breadwinner locked up and all. But wouldn't it have helped even more if he'd already been gainfully employed before disaster struck? I do think that heroism takes a little more than supporting your loved ones with your income. That's just called 'earning a living' and 'being a responsible adult'.

But actual displays of heroism? I was kept waiting. Would he drive his car into a burning building to rescue the inhabitants? Would he donate his winnings to rebuild an orphanage that was bombed during a genocide?

No. Nothing like that. He just wins a couple of races.

It's strange seeing actors like Bridges and Busey, now so firmly ingrained as cranky old guys, as 20-somethings. Then again, some actors seem like they were never young in the first place: your Gene Hackmans and Morgan Freemans and Lance Henricksens. But beyond that mild point of interest, and a few amusing putdowns uttered by Junior to various dim-witted hicks (usually prefixed or suffixed with the word 'boy'), THE LAST AMERICAN SO-CALLED HERO never gripped me – or, I guess I should say, got under my bonnet or injected my fuel or ... whatever.

And as far as movies based on magazine articles go, I prefer TOP GUN, BOOGIE NIGHTS, DOG DAY AFTERNOON, THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS, THE INSIDER ... Even THE BONFIRE OF THE VANITIES (also from the writings of Tom Wolfe) boasted one of those great extended Brian de Palma takes.

Two stars out of five.

Valid use of the word ‘last’?  Hard to quantify, since I'm already disputing how the film is treating the word 'hero'.

What would a movie called THE FIRST AMERICAN HERO be about?  George Washington?

Previously:  HITLER: THE LAST TEN DAYS

Next time:  THE LAST SHIFT

Check out my books:  Jonathanlastauthor.com

HITLER: THE LAST TEN DAYS (1973, Ennio De Concini)

 

* * 

It's time to hunker in the Führerbunker. The end is nigh and Adolf's facing it 30 feet underground.

Starring  Alec Guinness, Simon Ward, Adolfo Celi, Diane Cilento, Gabriele Ferzetti

Written by  Gerhard Boldt, Ennio De Concini, Maria Pia Fusco, Ivan Moffat, Wolfgang Reinhardt   

Produced by  Wolfgang Reinhardt

Duration  105 minutes   

 

I don’t know about you, but when I watch a movie about an historical figure, I'm hoping to find something out about them. Which, sure enough, invariably happens. But not always to a satisfactory degree.

Biopics can be notoriously loose with the ol' facts. A common inaccuracy is to skim over less savoury aspects of the subject's life so as to paint them in a better light. This sometimes comes at the behest of surviving family members – look out for a familiar surname in the credits. Or the truth may have been bent for purely narrative reasons: conflating events, combining characters, fiddling with the timeline, that sort of thing.

This of course assumes that you are covering the person's whole life, like in a GANDHI or a RAY – an approach so memorably parodied in WALK HARD: THE DEWEY COX STORY. With such a long period to trawl though, it's no surprise that these kinds of projects end up relying heavily on montages. But sometimes they go too far, making the whole movie seem like a trailer, only giving shallow insight into the subject matter. I'm thinking of Baz Luhrmann's off-puttingly hyperactive ELVIS, which frustrated me to the point of actually turning it off. (A rare movie that feels like a feature-length trailer but actually pulls it off is GOODFELLAS.)

A more popular biopic tactic in recent years has been to home in on a significant event in the protagonist's life, like with Winston Churchill in THE DARKEST HOUR. Churchill's refusal to seek a peace treaty with the Nazis in 1940 was a microcosm of his overall character, making sense as a focus for the man at large.

And so to the movie we have here, concerning Winston's old WWII adversary. Judging by that title, HITLER: THE LAST TEN DAYS is clearly going to be taking the snapshot approach. And you've got to think: well, of course that's what they did. What else could they have done? A cradle-to-grave examination inevitably humanises the subject by looking at the childhood reasons behind an adult's actions. Has there ever been a Hitler movie like this? Could (or indeed should) there ever be?

Many an actor has played him, but no one to my knowledge has given Adolf the straight-up, decades-spanning, warts-and-all Mahatma Gandhi/Ray Charles treatment.

Let's see, there's been:

Charlie Chaplin – THE GREAT DICTATOR (1940): A parody, in which Chaplin calls himself 'Adenoid Hynkel'. Also, it was released when the Second World War was still raging on (just like CASABLANCA was).

Anthony Hopkins – THE BUNKER (1981): Seemingly shares the exact same concept as LAST TEN DAYS.

Ian McKellen – COUNTDOWN TO WAR (1989): Recounts the events between the Nazis invading Czechoslovakia and the UK declaring war on Germany. So, another contained period, albeit longer (six months) and earlier (the start of the war, instead of the end).

Steven Berkoff – War and Remembrance (TV) (1989): Starts in December 1941 and ends in August 1945, so spanning four years. But Hitler isn't the focus; he just pops up here and there while we follow the fortunes of an American family during the war.

Robert Carlyle – Hitler: The Rise of Evil (TV) (2003): Would seem to be the one exception here, starting as it does in 1899 with Adolf as barely a (Hitler) youth. However, it ends in 1934, when he's just come to power, stopping short of showing what he ends up actually doing with that power.

Bruno Ganz – DOWNFALL (2004): This one definitely has the exact same setup as LAST TEN DAYS – and I've actually seen it! Plus we've all seen the meme-worthy clips of Ganz' ranting performance.

Taika Waititi – JOJO RABBIT (2019): Another parody. I would have watched this one too, if Waititi hadn't irritated me so much in FREE GUY that I've avoided him ever since.

So then, here we have THE LAST TEN DAYS. Do we learn much about Hitler this time round? Well, not really, I'm afraid.

Playing the famous dictator this time is Sir Alec Guinness. He still has that familiar STAR WARS/BRIDGE ON THE RIVER KWAI voice – this is one of those movies where everyone speaks in English and with their native accent.

We do get a bit of general backstory at the beginning, for anyone who was asleep during GCSE History. Hitler's rise to power, National Socialism, WWII, Germany's ultimate defeat. The expository voiceover is by someone who sounds like Guinness, which is a little confusing, as I don't think it's supposed to be Adolf reminiscing from beyond the grave. 

Then we're swiftly down into the Führerbunker, where we stay for the duration.

Now, one imagines being stuck underground in the 1940s would be kind of dull. And so it proves, with LAST TEN DAYS failing to make the tedium in any way compelling. I was reminded of Sam Mendes's JARHEAD. That was a war film about soldiers who don't see any action and so get bored and frustrated; unfortunately, Mendes made the experience of watching this happening very boring and frustrating.

What happens down in the bunker? Well, the Nazis have regular meetings where they confirm that the Allies are still moving closer and so they are pretty much fucked.

Adolf celebrates his 56th birthday, and we are treated to the tyrant grinning with glee as a parade of deferential soldiers and womenfolk hand him gifts. There are children down in this bunker, but der Führer is the biggest kid of all. Bless.

There are lots of scenes of people talking about battles going on elsewhere, out of sight. Which, again: kind of boring. The guy who plays the caretaker in THE SHINING and the dad in A CLOCKWORK ORANGE is in there; so is Joss Ackland of LETHAL WEAPON 2 and BILL AND TED'S BOGUS JOURNEY fame. So that's nice.

And of course Adolf rants and raves now and again, like he's still at the Nuremberg rally. He also reveals a humbler side, declaring, "I'm not Jesus Christ," before swiftly adding, "a genius yes – but Christ? Not quite."

My verdict for if you want to find out about the real character or life of Adolf Hitler? Stick to The History Channel or whatever.

Two out of five stars.

Valid use of the word ‘last’?  Can't argue on this occasion, although the glacial pace makes it feel like 100 days rather than only a week and a half.

What would a movie called HITLER: THE FIRST TEN DAYS be about? Unless he was some kind of blatantly evil, Damian-from-THE-OMEN devil-child, probably nothing very interesting. 

Previously:  INSIDIOUS: THE LAST KEY

Next time:  THE LAST AMERICAN HERO

Check out my books:  Jonathanlastauthor.com

INSIDIOUS: THE LAST KEY (2018, Adam Robitel)

 

* * * 

Medium Elise Rainier lends her particular set of skills to another poltergeist scenario – and gets maximum trouble for her efforts.

Starring  Lin Shaye, Angus Sampson, Leigh Whannell, Spencer Locke, Caitlin Gerard, Bruce Davison

Written by  Leigh Whannell   

Produced by  Jason Blum, Oren Peli, James Wan, Leigh Whannell

Duration  104 minutes

 

Sometime in 2026 will see the release of THREAD: AN INSIDIOUS TALE, a spin-off of the INSIDIOUS film series. Meanwhile, a crossover of INSIDIOUS and SINISTER, both properties of Blumhouse Productions, has long been rumoured.

I can't help thinking that spinning-off or crossing-over (over-crossing?) has, over the years, tended to be more of a TV thing. The most famous small screen example has to be Frasier, coming from Cheers. But the tradition goes back a lot further. Happy Days, for example, birthed no less than six other shows, to varying degrees of success. Indeed, the spin-off matching the popularity of its originator is far from guaranteed: hit Friends begat dud Joey; Baywatch Nights was no Baywatch. And then of course you have all the myriad incarnations of CSI and NCIS – the latter already being a spin-off of Naval drama JAG.

Movie spin-offs used to be less common, although of course are increasingly so these days, owing to the superhero boom. 1978's SUPERMAN led (eventually) to SUPERGIRL in 1984, but the less said about that the better. More recently, FURIOSA was "a MAD MAX saga"; THIS IS 40 served as only a "sort-of sequel" to KNOCKED UP; US MARSHALLS followed the antagonist from THE FUGITIVE, rather than the hero; the CREED movies spawned off from ROCKY.

Crossovers, meanwhile, have historically tended to be Universal/Hammer horror pictures, with various monsters or monster hunters popping up in each other's films. GODZILLA and KING KONG are keeping this tradition alive today, as FREDDY VS JASON did with a two different monsters a couple of decades ago.

Meanwhile, what we have here is actually the fourth film in the 'main' INSIDIOUS series. Although, wait a sec, it's actually the second chronologically, since the third one was a prequel to the second one, and so THE LAST KEY takes place somewhere between the third and first ones. Glad we cleared that up. Hey, at least it's not as complicated as those CONJURING movies, which have so many instalments and spin-offs (the NUN films, the ANNABELLE films) that they've earned the term 'shared universe', previously only the domain of comic book movies.

Anyway, THE LAST KEY opens on a creepy prison in 1950s' New Mexico. Creepier still is a little girl, Elise, daughter of the warden – the family live in a house onsite, like caretakers in a school, or that Nazi family in THE ZONE OF INTEREST. Elise knows when someone's getting a blast from the electric chair next door, and not through the lights blinking on and off like you'd expect – early points for not using that hackneyed trope, by the way.

Her mother recognises that Elise has a gift and reassures her; pop is less open-minded, preferring the approach of beating her and locking her in the cellar. But Mom doesn't realise the extent of the girl's abilities: Elise doesn't just sense that a criminal has passed, she's actually then visited by their ghost. And boy do they love to congregate in that basement and make themselves known to the poor, terrified girl.

Such childhood trauma shapes Elise into eventually becoming seventy-something Lin Shaye – this franchise's MVP, having appeared in every instalment. Shaye is the one who can genuinely see spirits in a paranormal investigation team that also comprises two whacky, nerdy colleagues: Tucker (Angus Sampson, long hair and beard) and Specs (Leigh Whannell, wearer of specs, and also sometime INSIDIOUS director and/or writer).

When the team are summoned to Elise's old home by the current owner to deal with some demons, it's Elise who has to confront her own demons – from her past. (She also has to confront plenty of current demons, too; by which of course I mean those who are currently haunting the house in the present day.)

Now, I had seen this movie before. Also definitely the first two, and probably the third – I can't be sure, but it seems inconceivable that I would skip an entry. Anyway, I remember liking it well enough, but there's since been a fifth, THE RED DOOR, directed by early franchise star Patrick Wilson, and it hasn't crossed my radar to watch that one. I couldn't remember why I'd bowed out at this stage of the franchise, but rewatching THE LAST KEY it soon became clear.

"She's psychic; we're sidekicks," is how Tucker introduces the team to their new client, with a rehearsed delivery modelled on one of those melodramatic movie trailer voiceovers. It of course falls flat; just another zany quirk from the goofy geeks who lug around all the infrared cameras and sound equipment. They also embarrass themselves in their attempts to flirt with the local girls, exchange cringeworthy banter while studying grainy monitors in the dark, etc.

Yes, this is one of those horror movies that feels it must balance the scares with some shoe-horned in comic relief. This tends to be a huge turn-off for me: I felt that Joran Peele's universally lauded GET OUT was derailed by Daniel Kaluuya's comedy best friend's efforts to track him down. Similarly, David Gordon Green's HALLOWEEN trilogy too often undercut its tension with cheap laughs. And what do these two films have in common? Filmmakers with a background in comedy.

Director Adam Robitel doesn't have that excuse here. But, in fact, I was pleasantly surprised when watching this time to find that the film actually survives its tonal mishmash. Our pals Tucker and Specs don't manage to fatally unbalance the creepiness, and the sincere efforts of classy veteran Shaye stop it from ever wobbling completely off the tracks.

INSIDIOUS: THE LAST KEY ends up being a spooky good time. If you ever come across it on a late-night streaming browse, you could do much worse. And if I'm ever flicking through one of those same lists and coming across part five, I can see myself hitting 'OK' on the remote. Probably.

Three stars out of five. 

 

Valid use of the word ‘last’?  It’s less about a key, more a demon called ‘Keyface’. Which is scarier than it sounds. Also, the house is in Five Keys, Mexico. So I guess, technically … no?

What would a movie called THE FIRST KEY be about?  “Theodorus of Samos in the 6th century BC invented the first key, according to Pliny the Elder.” So says City Security (“The magazine to improve your security know-how”) – and who are we to disagree with them? Or, indeed, your man Pliny?

 

Previously:  THE LAST KING OF SCOTLAND

Next time:  HITLER: THE LAST TEN DAYS

Check out my books:  Jonathanlastauthor.com