THE LAST TYCOON (1976, Elia Kazan)

 

* * 

The day-to-day challenges faced by a movie producer. Not as interesting as that sounds.

Starring  Robert De Niro, Tony Curtis, Robert Mitchum, Jack Nicholson, Donald Pleasence

Written by  Harold Pinter   

Produced by  Sam Spiegel

Duration  123 minutes   

 

 

Are older movies slower? Are they, dare I say it ... more boring?

So, recently I was watching HALLOWEEN III: SEASON OF THE WITCH with an audio commentary by writer/director Tommy Lee Wallace. At one point Wallace reflects on what he would change about the movie. "I'd make it faster," he says. "By today's standards, it just feels so slow."

Now, HALLOWEEN III came out in 1982. That commentary was recorded for the 2022 special edition Blu-ray. That's a 40-year gap in expectations of film pacing. So what does that mean for ones made even further back? Fifty, 60, even 70 years?

I don't personally mind the pace of HALLOWEEN III. My 10-year-old son might struggle; we'll see, when he's old enough for his proper cinema education to begin. And I'm certainly not saying that the kind of hyperactive 'content' (shudder) his generation enjoys is an improvement.

But yes, I do often struggle with old films, anything earlier than about 1960.

Look, you've got your CITIZEN KANEs and your CASABLANCAs; your 12 ANGRY MENs and ON THE WATERFRONTs. No issues there. But the majority of so-called classics do test the modern viewer's patience.

THE LAST TYCOON is a little more recent than those I just mentioned, coming from 1976. But the movie actually positions itself further into the past. This is a feature in common with many older movies: not only were they made a while ago, they're set in bygone eras.

I'm talking about things like:

– SINGIN' IN THE RAIN: released 1952, set in 1927 (25 years prior). 

– GONE WITH THE WIND: released 1939, set in 1861 (78 years prior).

– THE SEARCHERS: released 1956, set in 1968 (88 years prior). 

– BEN-HUR: released 1959, set in 26AD (1,933 years prior!)

No wonder those movies feel so slow; they're not only old now, they were old back then! Whereas the likes of KANE, CASABLANCA etc all take place in their contemporary period.

LAST TYCOON, meanwhile, is set sometime in the 1930s, the so-called 'Golden Age' of Hollywood. And I'm afraid it does nothing to disprove my old-is-slow theory. One-word review: snoozefest.

The plot, such as it is, follows studio executive Monroe Stahr (Robert De Niro), a much-respected 'production genius'. Stahr has several hassles: demanding writer Donald Pleasance; ambitious starlet Theresa Russell; and many other movie studio problems, none of them very compelling.

At one point, Jack Nicholson turns up and attempts to inject some life into proceedings, but even he can't provide THE LAST TYCOON with a pulse. 

This was the final release from ON THE WATERFRONT director Elia Kazan. You can practically feel the old guy falling asleep behind the camera; it's a wonder the frame never suddenly tilts down as Kazan slumps out cold onto his Panaflex.

Yes, this movie is slow. Slooo-ow. Much of TYCOON follows Stahr romancing a young actress. Their courtship has all the energy of a movie left on pause overnight. She's British, so of course is posh, inert and frigid – right up to the moment she suddenly takes all her clothes off. Stahr responds in kind, somehow removing his shirt, tie and jacket in one motion, a moment that recalls Leslie Nielsen's Frank Drebbin.

De Niro, who I usually love, is tragically miscast: his intensity weighs this lead balloon down even more. The movie is crying out for a lighter touch, some easy-going charm. Robert Redford would have been perfect. Or Warren Beatty? Hell, even Burt Reynolds might have pulled it off.

But things do happen in THE LAST TYCOON, surely? Well, of course. De Niro repeatedly walks around his half-built beachside house, a metaphor for ... something. Bob and Jack play an aggressive game of outdoor table tennis. Head exec Robert Mitchum's daughter opens his closet and a naked woman topples out. De Niro gets drunk on scotch and soda then throws up in his own swimming pool (not sure we've ever seen Bobby D hammered before; possibly in MEAN STREETS?)

The whole movie-exec-in-strife thing is handled much more entertainingly in the later HAIL CAESAR (2016). Heck, even 1992's THE PLAYER is more compelling, and that followed TYCOON by less than two decades.

F Scott Fitzgerald wrote the novel upon which this movie is based, and I mentioned his amusing short stories about fictional screenwriter Pat Hobby in a previous review. 

Except, old F Scott never actually finished that TYCOON novel, dying of a heart attack first. Quite why uber-producer Sam Spiegel elected to option an only three-quarters-done book is beyond me. 

But let's just say that if the movie had remained unfinished, the world wouldn't have missed out on much.

Two stars out of five.
 

 

Valid use of the word ‘last’?  Who is supposed to be the last of what here? Is it Stahr, and is he really a 'tycoon'? Overall, confusing.

What would a movie called THE FIRST TYCOON be like?  There's a biography out there called The First Tycoon: The Epic Life of Cornelius Vanderbilt, by TJ Stiles. Maybe someone should film that? Hey, it could be the directorial debut of Zoe Kazan, Elia Kazan's granddaughter. Synergy!

Previously:  THE LAST RIGHT

Check out my books:  Jonathanlastauthor.com

THE LAST RIGHT (2019, Aoife Crehan)

* * * 

A man discovers that the old fellah he just met on a plane has died and named him next of kin. 

Starring  Michiel Huisman, Niamh Algar, Samuel Bottomley, Colm Meaney, Brian Cox

Written by  Aoife Crehan

Produced by  Paul Donovan, Pippa Cross, Casey Herbert

Duration  106 minutes   

 

Here we have a movie with a pun in its title. The story is about death; more accurately, someone dying, which might prompt a priest to read the last rites. But 'rite' has been replaced by 'right'.

Does the pun make sense? Not really. It does communicate the movie's blackly comic tone. But it doesn't have a genuine double meaning or really relate to the story, and so I don't think we can include THE LAST RIGHT within the annals of classic pun-tastic titles. 

Is the film about doing the right thing? Sort of, but aren't they all? Is it about having the right to do something, as in the permission? That's even more tenuous. Is it about taking a right turn instead of a left? Well, there is a lot of driving, but still ... Best thing I can say is I don't think I've ever come across this particular pun before. But maybe there's a good reason for that.

For the record, here are some good examples of punnage in movie titles (without necessarily endorsing the flicks themselves): 

– MAID IN MANHATTAN

– MADE OF HONOR

– INSIDE MAN

– FACE/OFF

– CODA

– RATATOUILLE 

– CHOPPING MALL

– CHICKEN RUN

And for balance, here are some that don't quite work for me: 

– KNIGHT AND DAY

– BEE MOVIE

– RAT RACE

– LEGALLY BLONDE

– GOOD WILL HUNTING

– COP OUT

Fortunately, THE LAST RIGHT manages to transcend dubious wordplay to be a nice little find.

We meet our hero, Daniel, flying from New York (where he relocated many years ago) to County Cork (where he's from) to bury his mother. Worse luck: he's been seated next to a boring old man. 

I wondered at this point whether not wanting to listen to a stranger droning on was going to be a negative characteristic that our protagonist needs to overcome. That never really happens, though he does learn to be less self-centred, more accepting of others, etc. But in this first scene, Daniel's irritated reaction made me sympathetic. Leave the man alone, old timer, he just wants to spend his eight hours flying across the Atlantic in peace!

The old guy – played by Jim Norton, best known as a stern Bishop on Irish sitcom Father Ted – takes a liking to our Daniel. Unbeknownst to Daniel, he names the young fellah as next of kin on his landing card. Then an hour later he's dead, leaving Daniel to deal with his corpse.

It's a bit like when you joke that if you volunteered in an old folk's home, maybe one of them would leave you millions in their will. Hmm, maybe I should look into that, actually ...

Back in his home country, Daniel has to deal with not only transporting the corpse from the bottom of the Republic of Ireland to the top of Northern Ireland, but also reconnecting with his autistic younger brother, Louis.

It becomes a road movie, with our heroes meeting a succession of colourful and eccentric characters along the way. The siblings are joined by Mary, a worker from the funeral home who tags along – I didn't pick up exactly why. She acts as a mediator between Daniel and Louis and potential love interest to the former. Also, actress Niamh Algar really resembles Jenna Fischer, The Office's Pam. Which is a plus.

The trio haven't been travelling long before Mary delivers the line "You know, the two of yous are kind of like RAIN MAN!" Thus lampshading what I myself was thinking. Then, when they find out that Daniel is really Louis' father, Mary exclaims, "This is more Eastenders now than RAIN MAN!" It made me wonder whether these were actual comments made in script meetings that they then added to the dialogue. This kind of meta stuff can be cloying, but I welcomed the self-awareness on this occasion.

I realise now that the scenario of a big city guy returning for a funeral and being re-charmed by his home town's ways was also done in LAST CALL. So, I guess that's a last-movie trend? Probably it needs to happen at least three times to be a trend. Ah, well.

Another thing it shares with another entry on this blog is that it’s a Christmas movie. Or rather a covert Christmas movie – one where the season isn't central to the plot but adds some kind of thematic weight. Randomly, I keep watching movies at the moment that turn out to be set during the Yuletide; in fact, after ROBOCOP 3 (underrated), BABYGIRL (overrated) and now this, that's three in a row! So that's definitely a trend, right?

(Other covert Christmas movies include RAMBO: FIRST BLOOD and BETTER OFF DEAD. You want more? How about ROCKY IV? THE BOURNE IDENTITY? THE APARTMENT? EASTERN PROMISES? TANGERINE? TRANCERS? Are you happy now? Are you? OK, that's enough.)

Overall, THE LAST RIGHT is a sweet picture. It overcomes its RAIN MAN-aping central relationship to be both funny and touching. I really liked how it ends, with Daniel deciding to set up a charity for people who die without a next of kin.

A couple more observations. What with its director and two of the stars, this movie does pretty well for featuring hard-to-pronounce Irish names. So you've got Aoife (ee-fuh) Crehan, Niamh (nee-av) Algar and Colm (col-um) Meaney. Well played; I only wish they could've fitted in Saoirse (seeuh-shuh) Ronan and Siobhán (shih-von) McSweeney, for a full-house.

A word on one of your actors there. It's not a real Irish movie unless Colm Meaney turns up. Here he plays a senior police officer, like he did in INTERMISSION. The erstwhile Transporter Chief Miles O'Brien is always a welcome addition, whether over in Hollywood (UNDER SIEGE, CON AIR), back in his homeland (THE COMMITMENTS, THE VAN) or in the UK (LAYER CAKE, THE DAMNED UNITED). Not to mention featuring in long-running science-fiction franchises (as O'Brien on both Star Trek: The Next Generation and Deep Space Nine).

Maybe old Colm should have played the protagonist here, and then they could have called the movie STOP BEING SUCH A MEANEY. Hey, just a thought!

Three stars out of five.

 

 

Valid use of the word ‘last’?  It’s a pun title that doesn’t make sense, so search me. 

What would a movie called THE FIRST RIGHT be like?  If it was an American movie about their First Amendment, it would revolve around “Protection of the freedom of speech, religion, the press, and making complaints and requests to the government”. So I guess ... a screwball comedy?

 

Previously:  LAST SEEN ALIVE

Next time:  THE LAST TYCOON 

Check out my books:  Jonathanlastauthor.com

LAST SEEN ALIVE (2022, Brian Goodman)

 

* * 

A man's wife disappears after they stop off at a petrol station. As he tries to track her down, he starts to believe she's been kidnapped.

Starring  Gerard Butler, Jaimie Alexander, Russell Hornsby, Ethan Embry

Written by  Marc Frydman

Produced by  Gerard Butler, Taylor Conrod, Marc Frydman, Brian Pitt

Duration  95 minutes

Not everyone makes it as an actor. I don't know the statistics, but the ones who can't carve out a successful living vastly outnumber the ones who can.

What this means is that many people work elsewhere before they get their SAF-AFTRA or Equity card punched. Usually, you think of waitressing, bar work, driving a cab, retail, that kind of thing. Flexible shifts, able to accommodate auditions, held onto until the time comes to make that leap and give up the day job.

But for some wannabe thespians, it goes further. Some of those who are now marquee names had whole careers mapped out before they fully pivoted to the artistic life.

Take Gerard Butler. He studied to be a lawyer. That means that somewhere out there, in an alternate universe, there are people having their legal issues sorted out by the star of 300, OLYMPUS HAS FALLEN and DEN OF THIEVES 2: PANTERA.

Other actors with regular – and perhaps surprising – jobs before they made it include Steve Buscemi (firefighter), Terry Crews (courtroom sketch artist), Whoopi Goldberg (mortuary beautician) and Sean Connery (milkman). And I'd be remiss if I didn’t mention perhaps the most famous example: Harrison Ford, carpenter.

Now, there are certain things you expect from all those professions. If you hired Gerard Butler as your lawyer, you would expect him to know his stuff: to be competently trained in helping you with your housing dispute, or your probate claim, or whatever.

And, it follows, we viewers similarly have certain expectations from a genre movie. Such as an action thriller, an example of which we have here with LAST SEEN ALIVE.

So, for my viewing of this film, I decided to keep a tally of three things: 

– tropes (part of the genre, accepted and expected) 

– clichés (lazy, obvious, trite) and 

– anything original (unexpected, memorable – possibly a fresh spin on the previous two).

I wasn't too confident, since a) I'd never heard of LAST SEEN ALIVE, despite taking a casual interest in Butler's career (my wife fancies him a bit), and b) its plot sounds exactly like BREAKDOWN, that 1997 Kurt Russell thriller from the director of TERMINATOR 3: RISE OF THE MACHINES.

Nevertheless, here we go.


Tropes:

– A cold opening, in medias res. A cop holding a beat-up bad guy by the throat in the back of a car. The guy declares: "She's already dead!"

– The movie's central couple are going through a rough patch: she cheated on him, they've had marriage counselling. They're driving to her parents' house for him to drop her off so they can go on a break. He doesn't like his in-laws.

– Butler, like many action heroes of yesteryear (Arnie, Dolph, Van Damme), is not American. And he doesn't quite sound American here, either. But at the same time, he's certainly not using his native accent. In this way he most closely resembles Jason Statham (it's Scottish for Butler, English for Jason – albeit not Cockney as many think, since he's actually from Derbyshire).

– No one admits to any wrongdoing when Butler confronts them.

– The cops eye Butler with suspicion, including in a tense scene where he gets pulled over with a bad guy bound and gagging in the boot of his car.

– Butler sneaks around, hiding from both the baddies and the cops.

– A meth lab explodes. Well, what are meth labs good for if they don't explode? (In this case, an explosion done with terrible post-production CGI.)

Total: 7


Cliches:

– Workaholic Butler is introduced on his mobile phone saying, "No, you can't pull out of the deal!"

– The camera lingers a little too long on supporting characters, making them seem more significant than just a petrol station attendant or a clerk; making them seem suspicious.

– The cops don't take him seriously, at first.

– His wife's parents think that he is somehow to blame for her disappearance.

– The film for some reason thinks we need 'fill in the blanks' flashbacks about Butler and his missus. They are meant to add depth to the central relationship, but instead puncture the tension.

– There is no CCTV footage from the petrol station where she was last seen (alive), owing to the camera being conveniently broken. Except ... is it really?!

– The current time flashes up in the bottom left-hand corner of the screen. It doesn't really add anything, either to the story or the tension.

– The bad guys turn out to be hillbilly redneck dealer-types.

– Upon finding a pistol, non-gun user Butler turns out to be an expert marksman.

Total: 8

Originals:

– Butler and wife are driving with cheesy easy-listening playing from the radio. I expected him to complain, but it's she who asks for it to be turned off!

– Her not being a saintly damsel in distress, having committed adultery.

– The focus on the strains in their relationship, particularly her mental health struggles.

– The cop turns out to be in on the plot. Maybe this isn't so original, but I was surprised. Although that might have been because I wasn't really paying attention.

Total: 4

So, not a great ratio, unfortunately.

One last thing. Just when I had begun to believe that LAST SEEN ALIVE was totally bland and forgettable, with nothing distinctive about it, I saw this post from Butler:

I'll let you in on a little secret. I took this movie on as a fun challenge/experiment. I improvised the whole movie. 

I was only ever shown the first ten pages and even they were thrown away once we were on set. We shot the movie in 8 days. I was drawn to the idea of how it would feel stepping into scene after scene having no idea what was gonna be thrown at me. I've never taken on anything like that and it was both challenging and exhilarating. You can't help but be in the moment.

Obviously there were certain parts where I would have to be guided in a general direction but mostly it was flying by the seat of my pants. Amazing work by the rest of the cast having to play off me given I had no idea what was about to come out of my mouth.

So, Counsellor Butler, as part of my cross-examination, allow me to ask you this. How come this challenging and exhilarating way of working produced something so dull and generic?

Two stars out of five.

 

Valid use of the word ‘last’?  Yeah, it works.

What would a movie called FIRST SEEN ALIVE be about?  A documentary of interviews with people who have only just seen plane-crash cannibalism movie ALIVE (1993).

 

Previously:  THE LAST SHARKNADO: IT’S ABOUT TIME

Next time:  THE LAST RIGHT

Check out my books:  Jonathanlastauthor.com

THE LAST SHARKNADO: IT’S ABOUT TIME (2018, Anthony C Ferrante)

 

* 

Sharks. Time travel. The Asylum. The Syfy Channel. Ostensibly, this is a movie.

Starring  Ian Ziering, Tara Reid, Cassie Scerbo, Judah Friedlander, Vivica A Fox

Written by  Scotty Mullen

Produced by  David Michael Latt

Duration  86 minutes   

 

Hi Mom,

Well, your boy has finally made it. Yes, it might be a SyFy original; yes, it might be from The Asylum, a studio below even Troma in terms of reputation. But it's still a movie and I'm still now a credited screenwriter!

But don't get too excited, ma. I'm not exactly proud of my work. In fact, I'm sorry to say it, but no sooner have I reached my dream that I've decided I'm going to pack it in and come back home. Hollywood broke me, ma. It broke me and the name it used was THE LAST SHARKNADO: IT'S ABOUT TIME.

I know, I know, I can't be blamed for everything about the movie my script produced. I can't be blamed for the choppy editing that tries to create excitement through incoherence. I can't be blamed for the non-existent acting ability of the no-name cast, or for how much the established actors were phoning it in. I can't be blamed for the PlayStation 2-standard special effects. 

And I certainly can't be blamed for having to carry the weight of the five previous entries in the SHARKNADO franchise – although I guess I could have sat down and watched them all before I fired up Final Draft. But if I had done that prep, I doubt I would have had much of a brain left to even open up my Macbook.

I knew I was in trouble right from the start, ma, right from the very first scene. They made me put two references to BACK TO THE FUTURE in the opening five pages. They insisted that we cheaply reference one of the most beloved time-travel comedies of all time – the highest grossing movie of 1985, $400m in mid-80's money. Twice in the first five minutes, ma! I don't think all of The Asylum's pictures have grossed $400m combined!

And then, they made me have the main guy take instructions from a hologram, done exactly like Princess Leia at the start of STAR WARS. Gosh-darned STAR WARS! And when this protagonist fellow later turns around to find a T-Rex looming over him, of course he has to glibly tell the man-eating beast, "Oh ... hi there!" Like, simply the worst kind of sub-Josh Whedon banter.

These monsters from the studio even forced me to put the most famous line from JAWS in, too; again, twice, just in case any of the dumbasses they think will be watching were too busy scrolling their phones to notice the first one. It's not enough that they're gonna need a bigger chainsaw, they're also gonna need a bigger explosion. I swear, ma, I know you don't approve of drinking, but I'm beginning to understand why Fitzgerald started reaching for the bottle after he went to Hollywood.

Look, ma. I understand that it's supposed to be bad. It's supposed to be over the top. And that if alcohol is optional for the writer, it definitely isn't for the viewer. But you remember when me and Booby-Joe and Stevie-Dean and all the other guys from the neighbouhood used to run around with Dad's camcorder making our little amateur movies? How we used crack each other up and wink at the camera, telling each other how stupid this all was?

That was funny because we were kids and it was cute, and you guys would lap it up when we screened them because you were our parents. We weren't actual grown-ups doing this for a job, expecting people to pay good money to sit through it!

If I can stomach it, I'll now spend a little bit of this letter telling you about the plot of this trashterpiece I spent months putting my so-called skills into. 

So, our gang of quip-happy adventurers have travelled back in time to kill the first ever sharknado (sharks that can fly, of course) and in doing so eliminate the whole species from ever existing. Like the plot of THE TERMINATOR, I guess. After first trying this in the Jurassic era, they skip ahead to Camelot in the Middle Ages, where they fight alongside the castle-dwellers. 

It's here in the finished movie that THE LAST SHARKNADO trades on the kind of stunt casting that you expect from The Asylum. Councillor Troy from Star Trek: The Next Generation; Neil deGrasse Tyson as a scientist guy; one of the contestants from RuPaul's Drag Race as a gender-flipped Merlin. And let me tell you, 'drag' is the right word – and I don’t mean when a guy dresses up in girls' clothing.

But wait, ma. You remember all those screenwriting lessons I took? One thing they drummed into us was pacing. To give your story room to develop, including plot points and character growth. And I was really looking forward to flexing these skills in my first feature screenplay. But my bosses at The Asylum were having none of that. The notes I kept getting were saying things like "Faster! Keep the characters moving! Never stop and give the audience a chance to think!"

Was this because the movie is going to be shown on TV, so they're worried about people channel-hopping? Is this the same thing people who write for streaming are being told – which, let's face it, is the place most wannabe screenwriters like me end up these days?

Anyway, all of this feedback to hurry things along meant that the ancient olden-times couldn’t be the backdrop for long. After the bare-minimum of exposition, the team jump forward to the Declaration of Independence, where of course they meet George Washington and Alexander Hamilton (and yes, I did have to put a joke in about the musical). Then before long, they're in the Old West, with Pat Garrett and Billy the Kid. 

Later, it's a 1950's beach party, then a stop-off in the late-90's San Francisco ... It ends up resembling a witless version of BILL AND TED'S EXCELLENT ADVENTURE – which, as I'm sure you'll remember, was one of my favorite movies growing up and one of the reasons I wanted to write for the screen in the first place.

I think I'm gonna cry now, Mom.

Oh, and here's another studio note I got: "We need even more BACK TO THE FUTURE references. Put another one in after 30 pages – or you're fired!"

I'm gonna go online now and look for flights home. Hope you haven't rented out my room yet.

Love to Dad,

Your son

One star out of five.

 

Valid use of the word ‘last’?  No one ever thought there could be two of these things, let alone six. So, anything's still possible.

What would a movie called THE FIRST SHARKNADO be like?  It is within all our capabilities to watch the first one in the series and find out. And it's in all our best interests to never do that.

 

Previously:  THE LAST MOVIE STAR

Next time:  LAST SEEN ALIVE

Check out my books:  Jonathanlastauthor.com

THE LAST MOVIE STAR (2017, Adam Rifkin)

 

* * * 

An over-the-hill actor re-evaluates his life when he’s coaxed into appearing at an obscure film festival being held in his honour.

Starring  Burt Reynolds, Ariel Winter, Clark Duke, Ellar Coltrane, Chevy Chase  

Written by  Adam Rifkin   

Produced by  Brian Cavallaro, Neil Mandt, Adam Rifkin, Gordon Whitener

Duration  103 minutes

 

Well I never.

Burt Reynolds just joined my list of actors that I never realised were also directors. (Bill Duke, Henry Winkler, Paul Newman, Michael Keaton and Dennis Hopper complete that list.)

Yes, I know Burt didn’t direct this movie. Frustratingly, one of his credits behind the camera is something called THE LAST PRODUCER. I wanted to make that movie the subject of this review, but unfortunately, I couldn’t find a copy anywhere. If I had been able to, then the tangent I’m about to go off on would make much more sense. Not that I’m not going to let a detail like that deter me.

So, it turns out the late Mr Reynolds was credited as director on seven feature films. He’s certainly not part of the one-and-done crowd of actor/directors: I’m thinking Johnny Depp, Richard Pryor, Nicolas Cage, Dan Aykroyd, Ryan Gosling, Marlon Brando, Drew Barrymore, Eddie Murphy, Steven Seagal. You know, those guys.

Burt’s tally may be far short of the, say, 40 that Clint Eastwood has under his belt, but surely his number should be high enough for the world to acknowledge that he had a career behind the camera as well as in front? After all, his seven is only two less than Robert Redford managed and one more than Mel Gibson so far. And yet, when you Google Redford, Gibson or Clint, you get back ‘actor and filmmaker’. But poor Burt only comes up as ‘actor’.

We can speculate as to why this might be. Is it because Reynolds never directed a Best Picture winner, such as ORDINARY PEOPLE, BRAVEHEART or UNFORGIVEN and MILLION DOLLAR BABY? Maybe. Is it because his films are instead obscure efforts such as GATOR, STICK and THE MAN FROM LEFT FIELD? Possibly. Is it to do with how apart from THE END and SHARKEY’S MACHINE, barely anyone went to see them? Very likely.

Whatever the reason, being seen as an actor only makes Burt ideal to headline THE LAST MOVIE STAR. Reynolds is known as a macho, mustachioed star of 1970’s cinema and that’s all he’s known for. That, and for getting a Best Supporting Actor nomination for BOOGIE NIGHTS in 1997 and then promptly disowning the film.

And so, THE LAST MOVIE STAR. Burt plays Vic Edwards, a Reynolds proxy – they literally introduce him with genuine talk show footage from our man's '70s pomp.

But before long, we're in the present day, specifically a grey-walled waiting room, with a haggard and grey-haired Vic, dressed in a grey jacket and sporting a grey-white beard. He's at the vet with his loyal dog, who can no longer function properly and is well past his best. Metaphor alert.

Vic still has his gated LA mansion to drive home to, but despite the posters of his old movies lining the walls, it's a sad, empty, curtain-drawn place. Vic settles into his threadbare armchair and drinks vodka straight from the bottle. Beyond this, his day-to-day consists of sauntering to the supermarket, struggling with the shopping trolley and being ignored when he smiles at young women.

The plot kicks into gear when Vic goes to brunch with his pal, played by a wrinkly Chevy Chase. Turns out Vic's being honoured with a lifetime achievement award at the Nashville Film Festival. Which, after some persuasion from Chevy, he grouchily decides to fly out to. He’s actually from Nashville, after all.

At the airport, he's met by Lil (Ariel Winter), his chaperone for his weekend in Tennessee. She's surly, aggressive and confrontational, constantly shouting down her phone at her deadbeat boyfriend. She picks Vic up in a rust-bucket car and deposits him in a sleazy motel. This is a far cry from what he was used to during his pomp.

As is the film festival itself, which is held in a scummy bar and organised by Lil's dweeby brother, played by the eternally dweeby Clark Duke. Vic ends up getting drunk and lashing out, then goes back to his motel and collapses on the bed in a stupor.

The next day, when Lil comes to take him back to the festival, he insists that she instead drive him around his home town so he can take a trip down memory lane. So, we now get an odd-couple road movie, where two opposites start to respect each other, realise they have more in common than they thought, etc.

Despite laying the schmaltz on a bit thick, THE LAST MOVIE STAR is a pretty good swansong for Reynolds, who died a few months after its release. He's committed and vulnerable, and there's genuine pathos when he comes to terms with his regrets. A couple of times, present-day Burt is spliced into footage from SMOKEY AND THE BANDIT and DELIVERANCE, the sequences recut so that Old Burt is interrogating his younger self. It's cheesy, but I found it effective.

Also of note is Winter. She's using the movie to push against her sitcom persona (as the nerd-bird daughter in Modern Family), in the tradition of Friends' Jennifer Aniston playing dowdy in THE GOOD GIRL (playing a character named Justine Last!) or James Van Der Beek sleazing it up in THE RULES OF ATTRACTION following Dawson's Creek. I was impressed, and I think Winter deserves a shot at longevity post-TV.

Does she have a chance of matching 82-year-old Burt Reynolds, top box-office draw from 1978 to 1982? Probably not, but as THE LAST MOVIE STAR makes very clear, there will only ever be one Burt. I mean, Vic Edwards. Of course.

Three stars out of five. 

Valid use of the word ‘last’?  Not literally. But since the concept of the movie star itself has long been in decline, it’s definitely fair to say that Vic/Burt is part of a dying breed.

What would a movie called THE FIRST MOVIE STAR be about?  That would be Florence Lawrence, widely thought to be the first film actor to be named publicly, back in the 1910s.

 

Previously:  THE LAST HEIST

Next time:  THE LAST SHARKNADO: IT’S ABOUT TIME    

Check out my books:  Jonathanlastauthor.com

THE LAST HEIST (2016, Mike Mendez)

 

* * 

Some criminals try to take money from a bank that isn't theirs.

Starring  Henry Rollins, Torrance Coombs, Victoria Pratt

Written by  Guy Stevenson

Produced by  Rick Benattar, Nigel Thomas

Duration  84 minutes

 

 

I must confess, I'd never heard of THE LAST HEIST. Wait, neither had you? Well, that's all right then!

So of course, the first thing I did was look the movie up on IMDb. And I found exactly one item of interest. There was a spate of movies with the same or similar names released within a six-year period. THE LAST HEIST itself in 2016 was followed by ONE LAST LAST HEIST in 2019 (not a sequel) and then THE LAST HEIST in 2022 (not a remake).

Does a few heist movies coming out around the same time constitute a trend? Sure, why not! And if so, what's to stop me now listing some other movie trends from years gone by – you know, ones that people actually noticed? 

All right then, here we go:

– Bleak and violent depictions of the Vietnam War: PLATOON (1986), FULL METAL JACKET, HAMBURGER HILL (both 1987).

– Underwater thrillers where explorers discover strange new creatures deep in the ocean: THE ABYSS, DEEPSTAR SIX, LEVIATHAN (all 1989).

– Disaster films about volcanic eruptions: DANTE'S PEAK, VOLCANO (both 1997)

– Disaster films about an asteroid hurtling toward Earth: DEEP IMPACT, ARMAGEDDON (both 1998).

– Films in which a person or person's lives are broadcast on TV: THE TRUMAN SHOW, PLEASANTVILLE (both 1998), EDTV (1999).

– Science fiction films questioning what is real or an illusion: THE MATRIX, THE THIRTEENTH FLOOR, EXISTENZ (all 1999).

– Modern-day Shakespeare adaptations featuring Julia Stiles: 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT YOU (1999), HAMLET (2000), O (2001).

– Science fiction adventure films about Mars: MISSION TO MARS, RED PLANET (both 2000), GHOSTS OF MARS (2001).

– Romantic comedies about friends who start a casual sexual relationship and end up falling in love: NO STRINGS ATTACHED, FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS (both 2011).

– Films about American nuns in Rome who are pregnant with the antichrist: THE FIRST OMEN, IMMACULATE (both 2024).

Plus let's not forget Gene Hackman's bizarre late-career choices.

Honestly though, the trend THE LAST HEIST fits into isn't really bank robbery movies. It's movies you find on streaming that you can't imagine people watching. Which is a pretty big trend, and not one likely to end any time soon.

Seriously, why would anyone put this movie on? If you had the urge to see criminals breaking into places, why would you choose THE LAST HEIST ahead of the numerous better alternatives? OCEAN'S ELEVEN, KILLING ZOE, INSIDE MAN, DOG DAY AFTERNOON, POINT BREAK, THE LAST DAYS OF AMERICAN CRIME ... actually, scrap that last one.

Maybe you would watch it to give yourself a new drinking game, one that revolves around spotting action movie clichés? I'm not going to attempt to list all THE LAST HEIST's crimes against originality, but here's a representative example: "You can't shoot me, you've got the safety on!" I'm sure you know the trope, but more details and some other guilty films can be found here.

Maybe you love hearing unimaginative dialogue? Such as: 

– "It’s showtime!" 

– "Did you get the stuff?"

– And this tried-and-tested exchange: "Fuck you!" "Fuck me? No, fuck you!"

Or perhaps unrealistic character choices are more your speed? My favourite: cop has a gun on someone from a safe distance, but elects to unnecessarily approach them, allowing himself to be disarmed and shot with his own weapon. 

Maybe you want to see THE LAST HEIST because it's a case study in how modern digital effects allow low-budget action films to both be more ambitious and look much cheaper? The guns here are never actually fired: flame bursts and rat-a-tat noises are added in post-production. Handguns never cycle their rounds; smoke and ejected shell casings are CGI.

Or could it be you'd watch this movie for Henry Rollins? I'd never heard of the man, but the copy surrounding the movie presents him as some sort of name. He seems to be channelling the creepy calm of Christian Bale's Patrick Bateman, from AMERICAN PSYCHO, pinstripe suit and everything. Except that he looks like a nerdy bespectacled stockbroker, rather than the buffed-up alpha bro type. His performance is definitely a highlight.

And here's where I must give THE LAST HEIST some credit for putting at least one original spin on the bank robbery formula. Rollins plays a hostage who is really a serial killer and who breaks loose to roam the bank's back offices, picking off the robbers and becoming as big an adversary to them as the cops outside. So, kind of if John McClane had ended up being a psycho.

You know, come to think of it, it's funny how DIE HARD isn't considered a heist flick. And in fact, as THE LAST HEIST trundles along, it ends up owing quite a debt to that action classic.

Stop me if you've heard any of this before:

– The robbers are after bearer bonds. 

– There's one good cop on the outside, who sees through the thieves' plan.

– Later, macho specialists turn up and claim jurisdiction, with a strategy that pays no regard to civilian casualties.

– There's a name gag to rival "Agents Johnson and Johnson ... no relation", with characters called Smith and Jones. 

– It's even set in Los Angeles, though it probably wasn't filmed there.

Anyway, THE LAST HEIST earns its extra star for Rollins and for at least attempting to do something new within a deeply worn formula. And also for the curveball ending where it lets the bad guy win.

Oh, sorry – spoiler for a film you've never heard of and are never going to watch.

Two stars out of five.

 

 

Valid use of the word ‘last’?  There will be other heists, but none carried out by this crew.

What would a movie called THE FIRST HEIST be like?  OCEAN'S ONE?

 

Previously:  EVERY LAST ONE OF THEM

Next time:  THE LAST MOVIE STAR 

Check out my books:  Jonathanlastauthor.com

EVERY LAST ONE OF THEM (2021, Christian Sesma)

 

* 

A father rocks up in a small town looking for his daughter, vengeance on his mind.

Starring  Paul Sloan, Jake Weber, Taryn Manning, Michael Madsen, Richard Dreyfuss

Written by  Chee Keong Cheung, Alistair Cave, Matthew Thomas Edwards, Christian Sesma  

Produced by  Mike Hatton, Michael Walker, Christian Sesma

Duration  82 minutes

 

All right then, so. You've read a lot of movie reviews. I've read a lot of movie reviews. Let's take that as a given.

We can therefore agree that movie reviews have certain conventions. Marks most reviewers seem to want to hit.

And I'm concerned that I'm not doing my reviews properly, because I never tend to hit those marks. Some of them I don't think I've hit even once.

This is the kind of thing that keeps me awake at night. (That and staying up too late watching movies.)

So that's why, for EVERY LAST ONE OF THEM, I'm going to pose what I've identified from my reading of others' reviews as the 10 essential questions a movie review must ask. And damn it, I'm going to bloody well answer all of them.

1. Does it know what kind of movie it wants to be?

It's a stranger-in-a-small-town thing, a man getting embroiled in an isolated place's business. The first thing that tipped me off was when the local head honcho was referred to as "the shogun around these parts" – surely a weak reference to YOJIMBO? And, therefore, LAST MAN STANDING?

It also wants to be a gritty suspense thriller. Emphasis on 'wants'.

2. Is the protagonist likable?

His name is Hunter, Jake Hunter. He's kind of an asshole. 

The movie tries – and fails – to get us on his side by surrounding him with less likable characters, in what is known as the Jeremy Piven tactic. There's a smarmy rich kid lording it up in a strip bar. Assorted thugs and heavies surround him. Corrupt cops come onto the scene. Not forgetting the strippers ... not to judge but, you know – strippers.

I'll tell you who I always thought was likable: Jake Webber, specifically in the brilliant DAWN OF THE DEAD remake. Not in this movie though, sadly. Here he plays strip-club-loving rich kid's dad, the aforementioned shogun. 

"We don't like strangers in this town," Webber declares early on. Are there really places like that? Wouldn't they welcome the tourist dollars or the fresh blood that would help the town to grow? What happens when people die or move away – will it just be left to the current families to keep the population going? Hmm, probably best not to think about that last one too much.

Anyway, our man Hunter is in these parts hunting for information about his missing teenage daughter. Turns out she was killed by Strip Bar Kid, after he got her into smack and all of that scene. So, that makes Hunter likable, I guess? Concerned parent and everything. 

Wait a sec, concerned parents can be assholes too! He shoots the kid dead in cold blood, despite not having yet found any real proof. I mean, I suppose we can say he's conflicted? A conflicted asshole. Much better ...

3. Is it trying hard to be another movie?

All descriptions of this film say it wishes it was CHINATOWN, owing to its water-control-conspiracy subplot. Kind of in the same way SPIES LIKE US wanted to be TRADING PLACES, or EVOLUTION wanted to be GHOSTBUSTERS, or DAYS OF THUNDER wanted to be TOP GUN. Only with an even wider chasm.

What I'm saying is, EVERY LAST ONE OF THEM is definitely no CHINATOWN. It's not even DAYS OF THUNDER – a movie, as I take any opportunity to point out, that was once described by Quentin Tarantino as "Sergio Leone with cars". 

4. What is the movie saying politically?

It's a left-wing fantasy about the little guy fighting the system. 

No, wait, it's actually a right-wing fantasy that glorifies a man killing anyone in his path he feels entitled to. 

Basically, you can take your pick. Hey, you will anyway, right?

5. Are there any ways this is the movie we need right now?

Only if what you need right now is noise to put on in the background while you do something else, like fold the laundry. And only then if you really can't abide the sound of silence.

6. Is it pretentious?

Richard Dreyfus's grizzled mentor figure is introduced playing chess in a park (apparently against himself). 

Groan. Using chess has to be the number-one cliché in the history of cinema; that and references to THE WIZARD OF OZ. Or in modern times, eulogising Batman and/or Superman.

7. Do any of the featured players have personal reputations that mean we aren't any longer allowed to enjoy their work?

In May 2024, JAWS star Dreyfuss attended a screening of the Spielberg classic at a cinema in Massachusetts. He took to the stage wearing a dress and then went on what a number of media outlets described as a "sexist and transphobic rant". Targets included Barbra Streisand, trans teenagers and the Motion Picture Academy of America's inclusively rules.

Abhorrent, for sure. My question is, will I still be able to watch ANOTHER STAKEOUT, MR HOLLAND'S OPUS, POSTCARDS FROM THE EDGE, et al? Or does the veto only count for pictures he starred in from the point of the scandal onwards? Which would make 2021's EVERY LAST ONE OF THEM safe, too. 

I wish someone would clarify the rules. Then I might have had a reason to avoid this movie altogether.

Oh, and the cameoing Michael Madsen (RIP) was no angel, either: drink, drugs, being accused of assaulting his wife and arrested for battery.

8. What was the budget and does the film 'do well' for it?

The number is unconfirmed, but it can't have been much. Dreyfuss and Madsen probably received a good chuck for their few minutes of screen time each. Whatever they were paid, it was worth it for giving the movie at least something to catch the eye when it pops up during a streaming scroll. Because certainly nothing else makes it stand out.

9. Is there something to be said about the contribution of random crew members?

Cinematographer Anthony J Rickert-Epstein manages to keep a consistent washed-out look throughout, like when you dial the 'colour' setting on your TV all the way down.

It's edited by Eric Potter, who seems to specialise in incoherent fight scenes. He goes for a fractured timeline, but fails to make this choice elicit any suspense or narrative drive. He does as least keep the running time mercifully brief.

The production designer is Johnson Cooley, who kits the cast out in a nice variety of bland, muted outfits. Wait, is that what a production designer does? The sets all look cheap, too, if it means that instead.

The makeup department consists of Britney Daley and Emily Unnasch, and they make sure that ... um ... shiny faces are kept to a minimum?

Meanwhile, art director Russell Jones ... ah, forget it.

I would also like to note that EVERY LAST ONE OF THEM has 32 credited producers. Thirty-two! That's across executive, co-executive, associate, line and just plain old producer, including its four best-known actors. What does this tell us? Buggered if I know.

10. What are the 'missed opportunities'?

You have to think. With all the money you need to make a movie: to secure the sets; employ the cast and crew; transport all the equipment; schedule everything and keep on track; get all the footage you need; lock down an edit. And finally, to get the thing actually released and seen by ... well, at least one person.

You have to think: what an opportunity to make something good. And so, yes, we do have an opportunity missed here. They could have made a much better movie than EVERY LAST ONE OF THEM.

One star out of five.

 

 

Valid use of the word ‘last’?  Hunter gets some of them, but certainly not every last one. Of them.

What would a movie called EVERY FIRST ONE OF THEM be like?  A grammatical travesty.

 

Previously:  LAST OF THE GRADS

Next time:  THE LAST HEIST

Check out my books:  Jonathanlastauthor.com