I'LL ALWAYS KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER (2006, Sylvain White)

 

* 

Someone learns about something bad that a different someone did 12 months prior.  

Starring  Brooke Nevin, David Paetkau, Torrey DeVitto, Ben Easter, Don Shanks

Written by  Michael D Weiss

Produced by  Neal H Moritz, Erik Feig, Nancy Kirhoffer, Amanda Lewis

Duration  92 minutes   

 

Years ago, I worked with someone who confessed to always reading the last page of a book first.

"Why?" I asked her, incredulous. 

"Because I can't stand the suspense, I have to know how it ends," came the reply.

This struck me as plainly ridiculous. Not that there would have been any point me arguing with her – in the words of Bobby Brown, that was her prerogative. But certainly it's not something I would ever do myself.

(Although I did once watch a fan edit of PULP FICTION where the scenes had been reordered chronologically. It wasn't as good.)

Here's the thing. One of the least-heralded but most-important aspects of writing is structure. I'm not necessarily talking about nonlinear narratives, or MEMENTO-style trickery. More like, in what order does the audience learn things? Are certain events shown or not shown? How long do we linger over particular incidents? Stuff like that.

The writer (or, since this is now film we're talking about, writers plural) must make these decisions. They make them to serve the story and what they want the impact on the viewer to be. They've chosen to arranged things this way, out of the millions of other possible alternatives; that's their prerogative, their right as an artist.

So, messing around with the structure is kind of disrespectful, in my opinion. I wonder if my ex-colleague also used to skip her DVDs ahead to the final chapter? Shudder.

When it comes to a series of films, that's a structure too. You're supposed to go original first, then any sequels. Sure, some people have come up with other orders to watch things, like with prequels/sequels rosta of the STAR WARS universe, but that's mostly kept to the realms of hardcore geekdom.

I have done it, but not usually by choice. ALIENS and TERMINATOR 2 were both considered to be less intense than their predecessors, so as a youngster I was allowed to watch them years before the originals. And the first HALLOWEEN I saw, round a friend's house, was the controversially Michael Myers-free third one, SEASON OF THE WITCH. And I didn't even realise at the time that it wasn't the first film, so for years I was one of the rare people who didn't associate the franchise with its famous bogeyman.

So, on viewing I'LL ALWAYS KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER, I tried to imagine I'd watched this film first. If so, would I have gone back and sought out the earlier ones? And to what extent does this reference those films? The answers are 'no' and 'slavishly', respectively. Or, as you'll see if you read on, I should probably say disrespectfully.

We begin in a carnival, like the start of another slasher threequal, FINAL DESTINATION 3, following the predicable gaggle of teenagers. Soon it's all:

"Have you guys heard of the Fisherman? Every fourth of July he gets out his hat and slicker, he sharpens up his hook and runs wild. But only on teenagers, ones with dirty little secrets."

"So he's like Santa in reverse? He goes after the naughty kids?"

In the slasher tradition of THE BURNING, PROM NIGHT, THE HOUSE ON SORORITY ROW, et al, it's a prank gone wrong that prompts the later killings. Our bland teens want to exploit the Fisherman legend by faking one of their friends receiving death by hook. But it goes wrong and he dies for real, and they make a pact to keep it to themselves.

We jump to next summer and our thinly sketched youths are feeling guilty about their dead buddy, especially lead/final girl Amber. Then everyone starts getting those ominous 'I know' messages, and before you can say 'mind your own business, mate' we get: a succession of kills and near-kills; Fisherman sightings and non-sightings; guilt and defiance. Rinse, repeat.

The cast is populated with unknowns, kids who were at the same auditions as those who made it onto shows like One Tree Hill and The OC, but who had to then watch on jealously as their peers achieved stardom while they instead popped up in things like I'LL ALWAYS KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER.

Clearly, the third entry in this almost-franchise isn't a direct follow up. Parts one and two had the connecting tissue of Jennifer Love Hewitt and were released fewer than 12 months apart. No JLC here, and nearly a decade has passed this time.

But I also can't help wondering: when is a sequel really a remake? Because when you get something like this, where it seems like they just dug out the original script and gave it a rewrite, how can you say it is actually a continuation? Yes, the characters are different and so is the location and some details. But that often happens in remakes, too.  They did add a supernatural element this time – but so what? The fact is, we still have the same basic structure and plot beats.

It's like they took a house, stripped off all the wallpaper and threw out the furniture and then redecorated. Except, they used lazy college kids to do the work and went to the local skip for supplies. And in terms of films that blur the line between sequel and remake, this does the opposite of going from EL MARIACHI to DESPERADO or when they redid THE EVIL DEAD as EVIL DEAD II: lower budget, fewer stars, less imagination and flair and filmmaking confidence.

There is a lot of what used to be called MTV-editing, now sometimes labelled 'Avid farts', an expression credited to online critic Outlaw Vern, Avid being the industry-standard editing software. It's not just cutting often to leave micro-short shot lengths, it's also adding white flashes and 'woosh' sounds to manufacture some excitement. Usually without success.

OK, to be fair, there was one sequence in I'LL ALWAYS KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER that impressed me. Not really the execution, but the concept. One of our teens, the blond not-Ryan Philippe one, is swimming alone at night. The Fisherman turns up, as is standard, and immediately hooks our boy’s ankle while he's trying to splash away. So, it’s like the Fisherman is actually going fishing!

I'd also like to think that the character name 'Amber Williams' is a tribute to the EVIL DEAD series’ Ash Williams, played by Bruce Campbell.

The only thing I can genuinely recommend I'LL ALWAYS KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER for is a drinking game. Do a shot any time someone denies the existence of the killer or you hear the words 'I know'; whenever the edit lets out an Avid fart, down your drink. After about 10 minutes, you won't know who knows what about anything anymore.

One star out of five.

Valid use of the word ‘last’?  God, please, please.

What would a movie called I'LL ALWAYS KNOW WHAT YOU DID FIRST SUMMER be about?  I’m sorry, I can’t. I just … I just can’t get my head around it. Sorry.

 

Previously:  THE LAST MOVIE

Next time:  LAST THREE DAYS

 

Check out my books:  Jonathanlastauthor.com

THE LAST MOVIE (1971, Dennis Hopper)

 * * 

An American movie crew finishes shooting in Peru and then this one guy hangs around for a bit instead of going home.

Starring  Dennis Hopper, Peter Fonda, Kris Kristofferson, Michelle Phillips, Dean Stockwell

Written by  Stewart Stern

Produced by  Paul Lewis

Duration  108 minutes

 

Bruce Willis, HUDSON HAWK. Eddie Murphy, HARLEM NIGHTS. John Travolta, BATTLEFIELD EARTH. Mariah Carey, GLITTER. Steven Seagal, ON DEADLY GROUND. Michael Flatley, BLACKBIRD. Sylvester Stallone, PARADISE ALLEY. Vanilla Ice, COOL AS ICE.

You know what's fun? Listing movies that were embarrassing vanity projects. Especially BLACKBIRD. Wow.

Yes, this is when stars get so big that they are given carte blanche to make their dream project. Of course, they headline it. Often they (supposedly) contribute to the writing. Certainly they have some kind of producer's credit, and many make it their directorial debut: for the likes of Murphy, Seagel and – yes – ‘the Lord of the Dance’, it's been their sole turn behind the camera.

Research suggests that the ultimate vanity project is Jackie Chan's CHINESE ZODIAC (2012). According to Guinness World Records, it has the most credits for a single person in one motion picture, with a staggering 15. Chan is credited as writer, director, actor, producer, executive producer (?), cinematographer, art director, unit production manager, catering coordinator (??), stuntman, stunt coordinator, gaffer, composer, propmaster, and theme tune vocalist.

(Chan's movie – and truly it is his – also holds the title of Most Stunts by a Living Actor. Presumably the record for dead actors is a lot less hotly contested?)

All the vanity projects I mentioned above were critical and/or commercial disasters. But that's not always the case. Think Robert Duvall's THE APOSTLE, or Kevin Costner's DANCES WITH WOLVES. And Prince with PURPLE RAIN, although he did push his luck by subsequently directing UNDER THE CHERRY MOON. Um, wait a sec ... Costner went on to make THE POSTMAN. And Duvall later released something called ASSASSINATION TANGO, for a meagre box office return of $1.013 million. Maybe the trick is to only cut the ego loose once and then rein it back in again.

Anyway, that brings us to THE LAST MOVIE. In 1969, Dennis Hopper, alongside fellow counterculture icon Peter Fonda, unleashed EASY RIDER upon the world. It was an instant classic, defining a (dying) cultural movement with insight and cynicism, and raking in a whopping £60 million from a budget of £400,000.

EASY RIDER was Hopper's directorial debut, and with that level of success (it made 150 times what it cost) he had Universal Pictures clambering to throw £1 million and full creative control at him to make whatever he wanted next.

What he wanted to make was THE LAST MOVIE.

Dennis Hopper directed seven films in his lifetime. That's enough to be considered a body of work. Of course, he was an actor first and foremost, with over 200 credits. His directorial debut came at the relatively young age of 33, after only a handful of movie role and certainly before any as the lead. The final film he directed was 25 years after the first.

And yet despite this, I don't think many people think 'Dennis Hopper: The Director'. It's kind of hard to imagine him actually doing it, to be honest. You can accept EASY RIDER as a wild and loose one-off that didn't need, didn't want a steady hand. But it's hard to picture the spangled photographer in APOCALYPSE NOW or unhinged Frank Booth from BLUE VELVET as the calm, accountable figure in charge of running a movie set.

So, you'd assume THE LAST MOVIE is going to be bad, or at least a mess. Potentially as calamitous a follow-up as Duvall, Costner and Prince managed after their own lauded debuts. And for years, its iffy reputation suggested exactly that.

But wait. There's a twist. THE LAST MOVIE is one of those films that's had a critical reappraisal. No one rated CITIZEN KANE, BLADE RUNNER or THE SHINING on first release. THE THING was a flop. HEAVEN'S GATE was a disaster. Each is now held in high regard. (All correct except for HEAVEN'S GATE, which is still boring. And just for the record, I like THE POSTMAN.)

As ever, I had to watch this thing myself and make up my own mind. And it's fair to say that THE LAST MOVIE didn't convince me.

The signs weren't promising from the get-go. It starts by dropping us into an interminably long parade on the streets of a Peruvian town. Dennis is there, in the lead role (natch), and the poor sod looks as confused as we are as he wonders around among all the chanting and, um, parading. I'd say that the film has lost the plot, but that would be inaccurate, since there's not yet been any sign of one.

Somehow, it feels a bit like a Sam Peckinpah movie in this early stretch, the beginning of THE WILD BUNCH especially. Come to think of it, Hopper's image was pretty similar to Peckinpah's: the hard-drinking, drug-taking, live-wire rebel. He also looks as dishevelled and out-of-sorts as vintage Big Sam, and shares his affinity for shooting south of the border.

And in fact, now that I'm warming up to this kind-of hypothesis: since here our Dennis is playing a filmmaker, maybe THE LAST MOVIE is really some kind of indirect Peckinpah biopic? There's even some of the punctuating moments of slo-mo that the great man loved. And here's something else Peckinpah was known for: westerns. Which THE LAST MOVIE basically is. The dusty, wood-building town. Those shoot-outs. Horses. Hats and ponchos.

But, um, it’s also not. After all the western imagery, we pivot to funkadelic 1970's disco dancing. Someone gets their ear pierced. There's a general free-love, hippy vibe, with much singing along to acoustic guitar – sometimes as strummed by Kris Kristofferson.

Then I realised: the western bits are just the movie that Dennis's character is shooting! Oh right, OK, got it now. The town they're filming in looks like it's from a bygone era, but maybe that's just because it's Peru? Wait, wasn't Peru where Butch Cassidy and Sundance were trying to get to? Is that significant? Probably not.

But this isn't some kind of film-within-film thing. Because after 25 minutes of (pretty interminable) screen time, the movie being filmed wraps and the crew buggers off. Except for Dennis's character, who seems to have fallen in love with a local girl. They go for long walks in mountains straight out of THE SOUND OF MUSIC, including stopping off to romp under a waterfall where we are, um, treated to the sight of our director/star's bony white bottom. Thanks for that, Dennis old chum.

So he gives up his career as a ... whatever job he had on the film crew, to hang around with her, decked out in his ever-present hat/poncho combo. Mostly this involves the couple wandering around town or more mountains while holding hands. It goes on like this for quite a while. 

And as for the last hour of the film, I'm going to let Wikipedia do the work for me:

 

He [Hopper] thinks he has found paradise, but is soon called in to help in a bizarre incident: the Peruvian natives are 'filming' their own movie with 'cameras' made of sticks, and acting out real western movie violence, as they do not understand movie fakery.

It's kind of an interesting idea, I guess? If a bit patronising. But it doesn't really go anywhere. Instead, some vacationing Americans come to town and it becomes a hangout movie. Hopper and his lady start to argue, trouble arriving in paradise. He takes solace in helping the locals make their fake movie. I guess he's retreating into fiction to avoid facing a less-than-perfect reality? Is that the message?

That would probably be giving THE LAST MOVIE too much credit. Because suffice it to say, this is 100% another disastrous vanity project. And in terms of sophomore efforts, sadly director Hopper's is no PULP FICTION. Or THE TERMINATOR. Or SEVEN. Or, I don't know, even UPSTREAM COLOR or THE TOWN or something like that.

Two stars out of five.

 

Valid use of the word ‘last’? Clearly not, either for Hopper or wider culture.

What would a movie called THE FIRST MOVIE be about?  It was that one with the rocket hitting the moon, right? Or the train coming towards the screen and making the audience lose their shit?

Previously:  LAST DANCE 

Next time:  I’LL ALWAYS KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER

Check out my books:  Jonathanlastauthor.com

LAST DANCE (1996, Bruce Beresford)

 

* * * 

A woman on death row sees a chance for clemency when a new lawyer takes on her case.

Starring  Sharon Stone, Rob Morrow, Randy Quaid, Peter Gallagher, Jack Thompson

Written by  Steven Haft, Ron Koslow

Produced by  Steven Haft

Duration  103 minutes  

 

Watching LAST DANCE forces the viewer to confront a question cinephiles have grappled with for three decades. Is Sharon Stone a good actor?

Stone seemed to burst out of nowhere, aged 33, when she played Catherine Tramell in BASIC INSTINCT (1992). But really she'd been around for ages, beavering away in movies of varying quality until getting her big break.

There was Wes Craven's Hittite horror DEADLY BLESSING (1981); Drew Barrymore emancipation drama IRRECONCILABLE DIFFERENCES (1984); INDIANA JONES knock-off KING SOLOMON'S MINES (1985) (and its sequel); POLICE ACADEMY 4: CITIZENS ON PATROL (1987), which was so bad it pushed Steve Guttenberg out of the franchise; ABOVE THE LAW (1988), which made Steven Seagal a star; and ACTION JACKSON (also 1988), which failed to do the same for Carl Weathers.

Then BASIC INSTINCT made Stone big; so big that the makers of 1994's THE FLINTSTONES movie wrote a part for her called 'Sharon Stone'. She turned this prehistoric payday down, perhaps not wanting to become a parody of herself, although she hadn't minded popping up as Tramell in LAST ACTION HERO.

Reflecting on casting the part that made her famous, director Paul Verhoeven noted Stone's ability to turn on a dime from vulnerable to vixen, citing her performance for him as the duplicitous fake-wife in TOTAL RECALL. Personally, I love BASIC INSTINCT, with all its sleazy insanity and mile-wide plot holes (two words: forensic evidence). It's the ultra-graphic version of FRENZY Alfred Hitchcock wishes he'd been allowed to make. And I especially value it for Stone, who gives one of the most underrated performances of the 1990s. But was it a one-off?

Unfortunately, Stone is often only remembered for that legs-uncrossing scene. And it's likely that this overt sexuality has taken attention away from her craft. For instance, when she got Oscar-nominated for 1995's CASINO, her achievement was rarely referenced without mention of all the glitzy outfits she adorned throughout the three-hour Vegas mob epic. (To be fair, the colourful suits Robert De Niro wore were also often commented upon.)

But nevertheless, Stone never again reached the heights of her Verhoeven or Scorsese pictures. Other than in those, it's fair to say she's been pretty forgettable. And occasionally, downright regrettable – I'm thinking of the ill-judged BASIC INSTINCT 2: RISK ADDICTION, or her unintentionally hilarious fat-suited turn in ALPHA DOG.

LAST DANCE, meanwhile, is most remembered (if it's remembered at all, which I'm sure it's not) as wilting in the awards-lavished shadow of the similar DEAD MAN WALKING. In fact, it made even less money than the death penalty movie that came straight after it, John Grisham adaptation THE CHAMBER.

But despite the box office underperformance, could it be that LAST DANCE is Sharon Stone's overlooked masterpiece of cinematic acting?

The movie was her follow-up to CASINO and a clear attempt to 'de-glam', after not only that film but other sexy roles like SLIVER, THE SPECIALIST and DIABOLIQUE.

In this one, Stone's Cindy Liggett is spoken about for a good 15 minutes before she's even shown in the flesh. We just get photos in Cindy's case file, and not only of her but of her crime: she's on death row for a brutal double murder.

Our entry into Cindy's world comes via Rob Morrow's inexperienced lawyer. Morrow, fresh from six moose-bothering seasons of Northern Exposure, receives Stone as a by-the-numbers case, scheduled for lethal injection in 30 days, no interest in parole from either the state or herself.

But the more Morrow burrows, the more he becomes convinced that Cindy is ... not innocent, but the victim of a mishandled case that has left her unfairly facing the chair. (I'm aware that they don't actually use the electric chair anymore, but presumably when they lethally inject you, they're nice enough to let you sit down?) But his bosses don't want him to dig too deep and pressure him to leave well alone.

Stone is definitely as unglamorous as we've ever seen her. It's the hair, a dirty copper-brown. It's the accent, from somewhere deep south. It's the lack of makeup and baggy prison clothes. And especially it's her blunt, charmless character. Granted, she's not quite Charlize Theron in MONSTER. But it's close.

As well as presenting an un-glitzed version of its leading lady, LAST DANCE grapples with issues. Are some people on death row who shouldn't be? Should there be a death row? Why is it even called a 'row'? Some or possibly none of these matters are explored during the film's running time.

To be honest – and stop me if you can tell – LAST DANCE never really gripped me. I don't remember much about DEAD MAN WALKING, but I'm sure it was better than this. (THE CHAMBER I can't recall whether I've seen or not, although I did read the book and thought it a lesser Grisham, certainly no Rainmaker or Firm or Time To Kill.) There's not much wrong with LAST DANCE, it's just kind of ... there.

Mid-movie, I started to wonder whether this should have been the actual BASIC INSTINCT 2. Catherine Tramell has been caught and convicted, awaiting corporal punishment for her multiple homicides. Stone could do her black widow thing on Morrow, manipulating him into busting her out. But then when they go on the run together (stopping off now and then for kinky motel-room romps), he can't be sure if she's going to stab him with an icepick next. But he keeps on shagging her silly all the same. It could even feature Michael Douglas's character from the first one in a cameo, giving evidence via video link from a home for retired sex-addicted cops.

As to the issue of Sharon Stone's acting talent? The jury's still out. But the appeal has been lodged. And the court is in session. And, um ... well, you get the idea with that one.

Three stars out of five.

 

 

Valid use of the word ‘last’?  She ain't dancing no more – tango or otherwise. Oh, and it turns out they have you lying down when they administer the lethal injection, not sitting in a chair. But 'get the gurney' doesn't have the same ring to it.

What would a movie called FIRST DANCE be about?  Maybe yet another alternate universe BASIC INSTINCT sequel. It begins with a wedding, but ends ... with a massacre!

 

Previously:  THE LAST DAYS ON MARS

Next time:  THE LAST MOVIE

Check out my books:  Jonathanlastauthor.com

THE LAST DAYS ON MARS (2013, Ruairí Robinson)

 

* * 

Researchers on Earth's nearest neighbour encounter something that doesn't like them poking around it.

Starring  Liev Schreiber, Elias Koteas, Romola Garai, Olivia Williams

Written by  Clive Dawson

Produced by  Michael Kuhn, Andrea Cornwell

Duration  98 minutes   

 

Dear Mom,

Well, I finally did it. I emigrated to Mars! I know you said I'd never do it, but here I am.

The problem with Hollywood was, you can't move for wannabe screenwriters. The competition was just getting too much. So, after I sold all my possessions except the clothes on my back (and my Macbook, of course!) I could just about afford a fifth-class ticket on the very first commercial transit to the Red Colonies!

As you can imagine, onboard living conditions weren't exactly the best. It was like being below deck on the Titanic, except no Leo – sadly! And we made it on time – no "Meteor, right ahead!" or anything like that! And yeah, I'm not living in the best digs now that I've arrived, either, although it's better than my old apartment in the North Valley, that's for sure.

I'll tell you one good thing about that space journey, though. Three months is obviously a lot of time to kill. And so the ship laid plenty of free entertainment on us, including a wide selection of movie theatres. So, you can guess where I spent most of my time!

And I thought, you know what, it's a great opportunity to do some research. Because, ma (and this won't surprise you much either), this whole time I've been thinking about my next screenplay project. I'm gonna write the definitive Mars movie! And wouldn't you know it – one of the theatres had a series of movies set on my new red home. Talk about a great chance to get inspired!

I tried to learn something from each one of those Mars movies, and, now I've set foot on red soil, compare it to the reality.

For example, they screened THE MARTIAN, that one with Matt Damon. Now, I know I'm not gonna get left alone here like he was, since there were more than 5,000 in my space cruiser alone and there's at least another dozen more of those besides.

And I didn't see any zombie types on the shuttle bus out to the colony, so we're not in a GHOSTS OF MARS situation, either! I had got the idea from TOTAL RECALL that Mars might be kinda dirty, with prostitutes and strip bars everywhere, but don't worry ma, it's nothing like that. Not the parts I've seen, anyway.

MARS NEEDS MOMS did have kind of a point, though. We do need to populate this place. I haven't had much of a chance to socialise yet, but maybe you'll someday be attending your first wedding on another planet? Would I have to wear a red tux?! But what Mars definitely doesn't need is any of the monster thingies from JOHN CARTER. Giant apes with two-foot fangs? No thank you!

I would say something about MISSION TO MARS and RED PLANET, but to be truthful, I can't remember which one was which. Instead, I wanna talk about one other movie, since it was only yesterday I watched it so it sticks in my memory, and also 'cause unlike the others, I'd never even heard of it before. It's called THE LAST DAYS ON MARS.

Liev Schreiber is a scientist type dude over on the ol' fourth rock from the sun. He's just out there (I mean, here!) drilling away into them red rocks they/we got everywhere. Liev and his handful of other drillers are coming to the end of their six-month mission, where they've been trying to get some samples or find something. You know – science stuff. 

So yeah, they're all cranky with each other: Liev and that guy Elias Koteas, who was Casey Jones in the original NINJA TURTLES movie, and also that British chick Olivia Williams, who was dead Bruce Willis's wife in THE SIXTH SENSE. And a bunch of other guys, all different accents, so a multicultural Mars – which is nice and all.

So alright, they're looking forward to leaving the planet and can't wait to return to the green lush of Earth. Haha, I hope that's not me in six months' time! Anyway, one of the scientists with an accent – I think he's German or French or Spanish, one of those European places, anyway – discovers from one of those 'samples' that there may be, like, alien life. But when he goes out to investigate he's mysteriously killed, and so his buddies have to find out what happened. And, you know, they start blaming each other and getting all paranoid, that kind of business. And next thing you know, they're all getting possessed and attacking each other.

Look, I'll level with you ma. When I saw this movie described as a 'horror/thriller' I got a bit concerned and I nearly didn't watch it. Like, I'm already on a brand new frickin' planet here. Do I really want to start making the place seem scarier than it already is? But I shouldn’t have worried. There wasn't much that was horrific or thrilling in THE LAST DAYS OF MARS. And you know what? It wasn't like them being on Mars even mattered to the plot or anything. It could have been out on an oil rig, or in Alaska (like THE THING) or, I dunno, the middle of Wyoming or somewhere.

OK, fine, there is a part where one of the crew who's gone nuts bursts into their science station and sticks a power drill straight into his buddy's chest. That scene was kinda cool. And then the British chick hits him over the head with a fire extinguisher. But mostly it's just people arguing. Arguing with spacesuits on. With the occasional glimpse at some reddish rocks through the window. Some of the characters live, most of them die. 

What are the survival chances for the biggest names in the cast, Liev Schreiber and Olivia Williams, you might ask? Do I need to point out an anagram you can get from his first name by swapping the last two letters, or tell you that 'Olivia' is often shortened to 'Liv'? (OK, full disclosure: I fell asleep before the end, so I'm just guessing. Maybe they both die horribly.)

Look ma, I gotta go. I've an interview tomorrow for the Mars Mining Corp first thing in the morning. Ha, might turn out that soon I'll be out there drilling for samples, like the poor guys in THE LAST DAYS ON MARS!

Hmm. Maybe I shouldn't have watched that flick yesterday, after all ...

Love to Dad,

Your son

Two stars out of five.

 

Valid use of the word ‘last’?  The ones that didn't make it certainly won't be setting foot on the planet again.

What would a movie called THE FIRST DAYS ON MARS be about?  Getting to know each other, team-building exercises, reserving spaces in the fridges. Those sorts of things.

Previously:  THE LAST EXORCISM: PART II

Next time:  LAST DANCE 

Check out my books:  Jonathanlastauthor.com

THE LAST EXORCISM: PART II (2013, Ed Gass-Donnelly)

 

* * 

Looks like they lied about it being all over, exorcism fans.

Starring  Ashley Bell, Julia Garner, Spencer Treat Clark, David Jensen, Tarra Riggs, Louis Herthum

Written by  Damien Chazelle, Ed Gass-Donnelly   

Produced by  Eric Newman, Eli Roth, Marc Abraham, Thomas A Bliss   

Duration  88 minutes   

 

You know, films with 'last' in their title are rarely obvious candidates for sequels. There are exceptions, but generally speaking, something described with that word does not readily beget a follow-up.

The main reason to make a sequel to a film is, of course, if it made loads of money. Then, in the words of Dr Ian Malcolm in JURASSIC PARK (six follow-ups and counting): "Life ... uh, will find a way." And that includes legacy sequels, which are just a delayed reaction to something that's been profitable in the longer term.

But let's ignore capitalism for a moment. Let's pretend all that matters is whether the story warrants being continued. Come on, we can do it.

'Last' movies do indeed seem unlikely to qualify, but they aren't the only ones. Take HIGHLANDER, for instance. "There can be only one" they told us – so, the end of the line once the only immortal left was Connor McCloud. right? But we still got HIGHLANDER II: THE QUICKENING, which took the route of being utterly nonsensical to try to get around its leaps in logic.

And I've always been pretty surprised about the existence of FRENCH CONNECTION II and STAYING ALIVE (SATURDAY NIGHT FEVER 2), coming as they did after a pair of serious and seemingly standalone films. And let's not forget THE NEVERENDING STORY, referenced in The Simpsons as a classic case of false advertising.

Then there are those movies with scenarios that are so off-the-wall, so bonkers, that it would be implausible to repeat them. Not that this stopped the green light flashing for WEEKEND AT BERNIE'S II or HOME ALONE 2 or MANNEQUIN TWO: ON THE MOVE or THE HANGOVER PART II. That last one ended up stretching to a trilogy, albeit only by taking a sharp left turn in eking out the third one.

And then there's the market for cash-ins that trade on a brand name, like AMERICAN PSYCHO 2, THE STING II or THE RAGE: CARRIE II. These usually don't even bother to pretend they're related to the original. Although in the case of KING KONG LIVES, they did decide to go for continuity. Um, wait ... but didn't the giant gorilla die? Empire State Building? Big fall?

But as far as nonsensical titles for sequels go, THE LAST EXORCISM: PART II has to take the biscuit. I mean, just look at it! Hilariously, the pseudo-pretentious use of Roman numerals makes it look like it's actually THE LAST EXORCISM: PART ELEVEN.

But LAST EXORCISM 2 is of course only following one film, not ten. And that film was a not-bad found-footagey effort, starring a bloke who was in Better Call Saul.

Patrick Fabian isn't in this one, although he is part of the opening recap. Something else that doesn't return is the mockumentary format - just like BOOK OF SHADOWS: BLAIR WITCH 2, we have here a pair of flicks where the original flirts with realism and the sequel goes for full-on movieism.

Something else LAST EXORCISM 2 does is follow the monster into the next instalment rather than the good guys, in the best Freddy Kruger, Jason Voorhees and Michael Myers tradition. I mean, if you ignore A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET 1, 3 and 7, where we stay with Nancy Thompson; FRIDAY THE 13TH 4-6, with Tommy Jarvis; and HALLOWEEN 2, 3, 7, and 8, which are led by Laurie Strode.

To be fair, 'monster' is a strong word for poor teenager Nell Sweetzer (Ashley Bell), the possessed girl from last time around. She's the protagonist now, but since that pesky demon just can't stop with its darn posessin', she's at least the bad guy by proxy. 

At the start of the film, Nell is found by the authorities, disoriented and with no memory of the climax to part one, where she was the only survivor from her entire family. She's put up in a halfway house, making friends with the other troubled girls, getting a cleaning job, awkwardly flirting with a local boy, etc. But soon enough, she's bothered again by a strange presence, something ethereal that's not done with her yet ...

This is one of those horror films that gets described as 'slow burn'. What that means here is precious few scares, little intensity and a PG-13 certificate (12A in the UK). So, it can't use any of the usual tactics to perk up our interest: gore, nudity, excessive language. Bell is likable and you feel for her plight, but she's not able to make the movie compelling all by herself.

And look, yes there is another exorcism, of sorts. But it's not the same one, therefore this isn't really 'part two', is it? I would have preferred it if part one had been just the first two acts of the story, and then they saved the actual exorcism for this film, making it one long 90-minute real-time procedure, done in a single take with no let up.

Alas.

Closing note: Damien Chazelle, the youngest winner of the Academy Award for Best Director at age 32 with LA LA LAND, is a co-writer here. He had no credits on the first film; clearly we have a case of a freelance gig early in his Hollywood career. I guess WHIPLASH was kind of a horror film, though, so this isn't too incongruous.

Two stars out of five.

Valid use of the word ‘last’?  To date, there has been no THE LAST EXORCISM: PART III. I am not holding my breath, nor my crucifix.

What would a movie called THE FIRST EXORCISM: PART II be about?  A working title for this film was the even more baffling BEGINNING OF THE END: THE LAST EXORCISM II. So, I guess, that?

Previously:  THE LAST DAYS OF DISCO

Next time:  THE LAST DAYS ON MARS

Check out my books:  Jonathanlastauthor.com

 

THE LAST DAYS OF DISCO (1998, Whit Stillman)

 

* * 

Two young women hang out in a Manhattan nightclub in 1980.

Starring  Chloë Sevigny, Kate Beckinsale, Chris Eigeman, Robert Sean Leonard, Jennifer Beals

Written by  Whit Stillman

Produced by  Whit Stillman   

Duration  113 minutes   

 

 

Quentin Tarantino likes movies. This we know. And his genre influences are clear, including blaxploitation (JACKIE BROWN), Asian-influenced action (KILL BILL), and men-on-a-mission (INGLORIOUS BASTERDS).

But there's one movie, one specific movie, that Tarantino champions more than any other. It's the one at the centre of this quote:

"When I start to get serious about a girl, I show her RIO BRAVO. And she better fuckin' like it."

(I feel the same way about COMMANDO; fortunately, Mrs Last grew up watching it.)

The director has repeatedly tried to replicate the siege portion of the film he treasures so: with RESERVOIR DOGS, with THE HATEFUL EIGHT, with his screenplay for FROM DUSK TILL DAWN.

But on a wider level, RIO BRAVO also belongs to a particular sub-genre: the hangout movie, a term that is widely believed to have been coined by Tarantino himself.

The hangout movie has taken many forms over the years. RIO BRAVO is broadly about John Wayne hanging out in a frontier town. Beyond Tarantino's own contributions to the form – PULP FICTION, ONCE UPON A TIME ... IN HOLLYWOOD, the non-car parts of DEATH PROOF – other notable hangout movies include:

KIDS (1995): Hanging out with reckless, sex-crazed, skateboarding teenage delinquents.

CLERKS (1994): Hanging out with retail workers discussing pop culture and promiscuous ex-girlfriends.

DAZED AND CONFUSED (1993): Hanging out on the last day of school in the mid-'70s.

THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Hanging out and making new friends during Saturday detention.

AMERICAN GRAFFITI (1973): Hanging out in the early '60s, mostly in cars.

EASY RIDER (1969): Hanging out in the late '60s, mostly on motorbikes.

BEFORE SUNRISE (1995): Hanging out all night in Vienna with someone you just met while Interrailing.

FRIDAY (1995): Hanging out in South Central LA on the last day of the working week.

HOOPER (1978): Hanging out with Burt Reynolds doing lots of stunts.

SWINGERS (1996): Hanging out with Vince Vaughn trying to pick up ladies and saying things like "You're so money, baby!"

THE BIG LEBOWSKI (1998): Hanging out bowling while entangled inside a neo-noir mystery.

EMPIRE RECORDS (1995): Hanging out in a record store for the last time before it closes down.

DINER (1982): Hanging out with one half of the Wet Bandits, Mickey Rourke when he looked good, Steve Guttenberg and Burke from ALIENS.

SIDEWAYS (2004): Hanging out in Napa Valley getting tipsy on free wine samples.

FAST TIMES AT RIDGEMOUNT HIGH (1982): Hanging out at school.

FERRIS BUELLER'S DAY OFF (1986): Hanging out and not going to school.

SUPERBAD (2007): Hanging out after school and trying to get laid.

BOOKSMART (2019): Same again, but with girls.

And so here we have THE LAST DAYS OF DISCO, which is 'hanging out in a New York nightclub in the early '80s'.

Our main hanger-outers are played by Chloe Sevigny and Kate Beckinsale. Both are poorly paid readers at a Manhattan publisher who are trying to get more out of their lives, including their night lives. They regularly go to the same disco, when they can get past the snooty ponytailed doorman, to meet various guys: ad guys, marketing guys, Wall Street guys.

Not a lot actually happens in this movie. It's certainly sharply written and well-observed, with some amusing lines. But that's about it. Sevigny seems vaguely out if it at all times, as if she was going Method during all those trips to the bar. Beckinsale, meanwhile, struggles with dialogue seemingly written to be read rather than spoken aloud. She has this oddly measured manner, saddled with words like 'several' and 'somewhat' and tin-eared expressions like 'terribly encouraging'.

I'm not sure how I feel about hangout movies, overall. The thing is, you have real life to just hang out with people. Why are we instead watching a movie? Isn't it because we want a story? Where life is no longer random and meaningless, but instead everything happens for a reason, people learn lessons and the heroes always win?

These kinds of casual, unhurried movies go against the screenwriting manuals. Those things a script is supposed to have to 'work': structure, escalating tension, stakes, emotional journeys, all that stuff.

And yet, hang out movies do still work a lot of the time, on the strength of the writing and the characters. I definitely like most of the titles on the above list. The theory goes that the more you enjoy the company of these people, the more you will enjoy their antics.

But did I like spending time with the characters in THE LAST DAYS OF DISCO? Um, not as such.

This was the third film by Whit Stillman. He specialises in chronicling the lives of vacuous yuppies, calling DISCO the last entry in his 'doomed bourgeois in love' trilogy. You get the impression the writer/director doesn't expect us to like these insufferable people. Which really doesn't help matters.

And I have to say, I found the disco soundtrack kind of annoying. By 1980, when this movie takes place, we could have had something a bit harder, a bit more modern sounding. Donna Summer's 'I Feel Love' had been out for years by then, and its producer Giorgio Moroder was starting to establish the mainstream electronic sound. Instead, we get fluff like 'Freak Out', 'He's the Greatest Dancer', 'Good Times', etc.

Not really the kind of place I'd like to hang out, I'm afraid.

Two stars out of five.

 

 

Valid use of the word ‘last’?  I don't know/care enough about the timeline of the musical genre to judge.

What would a movie called THE FIRST DAYS OF DISCO be about?  It would have to be set a decade earlier, I guess.

Previously: THE LAST SHIFT

Next time:  THE LAST EXORCISM: PART II

Check out my books:  Jonathanlastauthor.com

THE LAST SHIFT (2020, Andrew Cohn)

 

* * * 

Old meets young across the griddle; burgers are served and lessons are learned.

Starring  Richard Jenkins, Shane Paul McGhie, Da’Vine Joy Randolph, Ed O’Neill

Written by  Andrew Cohn

Produced by  Albert Berger, Ron Yerxa, Sam Bisbee, Alex Lipschultz, Bert Kern  

Duration  90 minutes

THE LAST SHIFT stars Richard Jenkins. Films do not usually star Richard Jenkins. This is despite Jenkins being a professional actor who mostly acts in feature films. 

Have you ever recognised an actor from multiple films whose name escapes you? That's a character actor. 'That guy from' or 'that woman who was in'.

Sometimes, character actors do get leading roles. Two of the greatest, Paul Giamatti and Jeffrey Wright, were nominated in the Best Actor category (rather than Supporting) at the 2024 Academy Awards, for THE HOLDOVERS and AMERICAN FICTION. In the end, OPPENHEIMER's Cillian Murphy went home with the statue – not usually a headliner himself, unless you count the overrated Peaky Blinders on TV. And back in 2007, undisputed supporting player royalty Forest Whitaker also won as a headliner.

So what happens when character actors get leading success? Do they see it as an opportunity to break out, or are they happy to go right back to low billings? Is character acting a choice or were they forced into it because they aren't 'traditional leading material' – AKA not good looking enough? Conversely, some conventionally attractive performers have been described as character actors in a lead actor's skin. They mostly skew the usual romcoms or action hero parts for quirkier fare, more stretching roles, working with auteur directors. Brad Pitt comes to mind, as does Robert Pattinson.

Richard Jenkins, meanwhile, may be the ultimate character actor. The male example, at least – Bojack Horseman made a compelling case for recurring guest star 'Character Actress Margo Martindale'.

Jenkins is certainly one of my favourite character actors. Being lesser-known doesn't mean these performers can't have memorable roles; take Jenkins' sad-sack gym manager in BURN AFTER READING. As the only likable person among a gang of selfish oddballs, his unrequited pining for the vacuous Frances McDormand is particularly heart-breaking amongst the movie's nihilistic zaniness.

In THE LAST SHIFT, Jenkins' role is one all character actors end up with eventually: the elderly mentor. Having worked most of his life at a 24-hour fast-food joint, his Stanley is finally on his way out, due to retire down to Florida to take care of his ailing mother.

Into Stanley's life comes Shane Paul McGhie's 20-something Jevon, recently paroled and trying to get back on the straight and narrow to support his new-born baby and exasperated girlfriend.

Stan is proud to have held down his job for 40 years, no matter how menial a life flipping burgers may have been. Jevon, in contrast, has bounced from job to job but is no layabout: he's a writer who dwells on workers' rights, race, privilege and more besides. As they spend the long night shifts chatting away, these two opposites start to get to know – and appreciate – each other.

It sounds corny and the film is admittedly slight. But it works as a drama, light on cliché and strong on performance. Not just Jenkins (natch) but also McGhie as his young foil.

THE LAST SHIFT is not subtle about portraying Jenkins as a loser in time-honoured movie terms. He takes the bus to work, because using public transportation means you are a failure; and when he does finally get a car, it's not even a 'cool car' – for shame! And he works in the service industry, the kind of career you quickly walk away from, not one you aspire to stay in. And he talks about his mother a lot, which ever since PSYCHO has been a big red flag. Not that he goes on a killing spree while dressed in her clothes or anything like that.

That's pretty much all I've got to say about THE LAST SHIFT. So, in closing, here are 12 films that you may not have realised Richard Jenkins is in:

SPOTLIGHT (2015) – as Richard Sipe

WHITE HOUSE DOWN (2013) – as Raphelson

THE KINGDOM (2007) – as Robert Grace

I HEART HUCKABEES (2004) – as Mr Hooten

THE CORE (2003) – as General Purcell

THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT MARY (1998) – as a psychiatrist

ABSOLUTE POWER (1997) – as Michael McCarty

BLUE STEEL (1990) – as Attorney Mel Dawson

SEA OF LOVE (1989) – as Gruber

THE WITCHES OF EASTWICK (1987) – as Clyde Alden

HANNAH AND HER SISTERS (1986) – as Dr Wilkes

SILVERADO (1986) – as Kelly

Three stars out of five.

 

Valid use of the word ‘last’?  Technically, the narrative revolves around several of Stanley's shifts up until the actual last one, but we'll give it a pass.

What would a movie called THE FIRST SHIFT be about?  They could CGI Jenkins to look 40 years younger, like De Niro and Pacino in THE IRISHMAN. That would be cool.

 

Previously:  THE LAST AMERICAN HERO

Next time:  THE LAST DAYS OF DISCO

Check out my books:  Jonathanlastauthor.com