THE LAST SHARKNADO: IT’S ABOUT TIME (2018, Anthony C Ferrante)

 

* 

Sharks. Time travel. The Asylum. The Syfy Channel. Ostensibly, this is a movie.

Starring  Ian Ziering, Tara Reid, Cassie Scerbo, Judah Friedlander, Vivica A Fox

Written by  Scotty Mullen

Produced by  David Michael Latt

Duration  86 minutes   

 

Hi Mom,

Well, your boy has finally made it. Yes, it might be a SyFy original; yes, it might be from The Asylum, a studio below even Troma in terms of reputation. But it's still a movie and I'm still now a credited screenwriter!

But don't get too excited, ma. I'm not exactly proud of my work. In fact, I'm sorry to say it, but no sooner have I reached my dream that I've decided I'm going to pack it in and come back home. Hollywood broke me, ma. It broke me and the name it used was THE LAST SHARKNADO: IT'S ABOUT TIME.

I know, I know, I can't be blamed for everything about the movie my script produced. I can't be blamed for the choppy editing that tries to create excitement through incoherence. I can't be blamed for the non-existent acting ability of the no-name cast, or for how much the established actors were phoning it in. I can't be blamed for the PlayStation 2-standard special effects. 

And I certainly can't be blamed for having to carry the weight of the five previous entries in the SHARKNADO franchise – although I guess I could have sat down and watched them all before I fired up Final Draft. But if I had done that prep, I doubt I would have had much of a brain left to even open up my Macbook.

I knew I was in trouble right from the start, ma, right from the very first scene. They made me put two references to BACK TO THE FUTURE in the opening five pages. They insisted that we cheaply reference one of the most beloved time-travel comedies of all time – the highest grossing movie of 1985, $400m in mid-80's money. Twice in the first five minutes, ma! I don't think all of The Asylum's pictures have grossed $400m combined!

And then, they made me have the main guy take instructions from a hologram, done exactly like Princess Leia at the start of STAR WARS. Gosh-darned STAR WARS! And when this protagonist fellow later turns around to find a T-Rex looming over him, of course he has to glibly tell the man-eating beast, "Oh ... hi there!" Like, simply the worst kind of sub-Josh Whedon banter.

These monsters from the studio even forced me to put the most famous line from JAWS in, too; again, twice, just in case any of the dumbasses they think will be watching were too busy scrolling their phones to notice the first one. It's not enough that they're gonna need a bigger chainsaw, they're also gonna need a bigger explosion. I swear, ma, I know you don't approve of drinking, but I'm beginning to understand why Fitzgerald started reaching for the bottle after he went to Hollywood.

Look, ma. I understand that it's supposed to be bad. It's supposed to be over the top. And that if alcohol is optional for the writer, it definitely isn't for the viewer. But you remember when me and Booby-Joe and Stevie-Dean and all the other guys from the neighbouhood used to run around with Dad's camcorder making our little amateur movies? How we used crack each other up and wink at the camera, telling each other how stupid this all was?

That was funny because we were kids and it was cute, and you guys would lap it up when we screened them because you were our parents. We weren't actual grown-ups doing this for a job, expecting people to pay good money to sit through it!

If I can stomach it, I'll now spend a little bit of this letter telling you about the plot of this trashterpiece I spent months putting my so-called skills into. 

So, our gang of quip-happy adventurers have travelled back in time to kill the first ever sharknado (sharks that can fly, of course) and in doing so eliminate the whole species from ever existing. Like the plot of THE TERMINATOR, I guess. After first trying this in the Jurassic era, they skip ahead to Camelot in the Middle Ages, where they fight alongside the castle-dwellers. 

It's here in the finished movie that THE LAST SHARKNADO trades on the kind of stunt casting that you expect from The Asylum. Councillor Troy from Star Trek: The Next Generation; Neil deGrasse Tyson as a scientist guy; one of the contestants from RuPaul's Drag Race as a gender-flipped Merlin. And let me tell you, 'drag' is the right word – and I don’t mean when a guy dresses up in girls' clothing.

But wait, ma. You remember all those screenwriting lessons I took? One thing they drummed into us was pacing. To give your story room to develop, including plot points and character growth. And I was really looking forward to flexing these skills in my first feature screenplay. But my bosses at The Asylum were having none of that. The notes I kept getting were saying things like "Faster! Keep the characters moving! Never stop and give the audience a chance to think!"

Was this because the movie is going to be shown on TV, so they're worried about people channel-hopping? Is this the same thing people who write for streaming are being told – which, let's face it, is the place most wannabe screenwriters like me end up these days?

Anyway, all of this feedback to hurry things along meant that the ancient olden-times couldn’t be the backdrop for long. After the bare-minimum of exposition, the team jump forward to the Declaration of Independence, where of course they meet George Washington and Alexander Hamilton (and yes, I did have to put a joke in about the musical). Then before long, they're in the Old West, with Pat Garrett and Billy the Kid. 

Later, it's a 1950's beach party, then a stop-off in the late-90's San Francisco ... It ends up resembling a witless version of BILL AND TED'S EXCELLENT ADVENTURE – which, as I'm sure you'll remember, was one of my favorite movies growing up and one of the reasons I wanted to write for the screen in the first place.

I think I'm gonna cry now, Mom.

Oh, and here's another studio note I got: "We need even more BACK TO THE FUTURE references. Put another one in after 30 pages – or you're fired!"

I'm gonna go online now and look for flights home. Hope you haven't rented out my room yet.

Love to Dad,

Your son

One star out of five.

 

Valid use of the word ‘last’?  No one ever thought there could be two of these things, let alone six. So, anything's still possible.

What would a movie called THE FIRST SHARKNADO be like?  It is within all our capabilities to watch the first one in the series and find out. And it's in all our best interests to never do that.

 

Previously:  THE LAST MOVIE STAR

Next time:  LAST SEEN ALIVE

Check out my books:  Jonathanlastauthor.com

THE LAST MOVIE STAR (2017, Adam Rifkin)

 

* * * 

An over-the-hill actor re-evaluates his life when he’s coaxed into appearing at an obscure film festival being held in his honour.

Starring  Burt Reynolds, Ariel Winter, Clark Duke, Ellar Coltrane, Chevy Chase  

Written by  Adam Rifkin   

Produced by  Brian Cavallaro, Neil Mandt, Adam Rifkin, Gordon Whitener

Duration  103 minutes

 

Well I never.

Burt Reynolds just joined my list of actors that I never realised were also directors. (Bill Duke, Henry Winkler, Paul Newman, Michael Keaton and Dennis Hopper complete that list.)

Yes, I know Burt didn’t direct this movie. Frustratingly, one of his credits behind the camera is something called THE LAST PRODUCER. I wanted to make that movie the subject of this review, but unfortunately, I couldn’t find a copy anywhere. If I had been able to, then the tangent I’m about to go off on would make much more sense. Not that I’m not going to let a detail like that deter me.

So, it turns out the late Mr Reynolds was credited as director on seven feature films. He’s certainly not part of the one-and-done crowd of actor/directors: I’m thinking Johnny Depp, Richard Pryor, Nicolas Cage, Dan Aykroyd, Ryan Gosling, Marlon Brando, Drew Barrymore, Eddie Murphy, Steven Seagal. You know, those guys.

Burt’s tally may be far short of the, say, 40 that Clint Eastwood has under his belt, but surely his number should be high enough for the world to acknowledge that he had a career behind the camera as well as in front? After all, his seven is only two less than Robert Redford managed and one more than Mel Gibson so far. And yet, when you Google Redford, Gibson or Clint, you get back ‘actor and filmmaker’. But poor Burt only comes up as ‘actor’.

We can speculate as to why this might be. Is it because Reynolds never directed a Best Picture winner, such as ORDINARY PEOPLE, BRAVEHEART or UNFORGIVEN and MILLION DOLLAR BABY? Maybe. Is it because his films are instead obscure efforts such as GATOR, STICK and THE MAN FROM LEFT FIELD? Possibly. Is it to do with how apart from THE END and SHARKEY’S MACHINE, barely anyone went to see them? Very likely.

Whatever the reason, being seen as an actor only makes Burt ideal to headline THE LAST MOVIE STAR. Reynolds is known as a macho, mustachioed star of 1970’s cinema and that’s all he’s known for. That, and for getting a Best Supporting Actor nomination for BOOGIE NIGHTS in 1997 and then promptly disowning the film.

And so, THE LAST MOVIE STAR. Burt plays Vic Edwards, a Reynolds proxy – they literally introduce him with genuine talk show footage from our man's '70s pomp.

But before long, we're in the present day, specifically a grey-walled waiting room, with a haggard and grey-haired Vic, dressed in a grey jacket and sporting a grey-white beard. He's at the vet with his loyal dog, who can no longer function properly and is well past his best. Metaphor alert.

Vic still has his gated LA mansion to drive home to, but despite the posters of his old movies lining the walls, it's a sad, empty, curtain-drawn place. Vic settles into his threadbare armchair and drinks vodka straight from the bottle. Beyond this, his day-to-day consists of sauntering to the supermarket, struggling with the shopping trolley and being ignored when he smiles at young women.

The plot kicks into gear when Vic goes to brunch with his pal, played by a wrinkly Chevy Chase. Turns out Vic's being honoured with a lifetime achievement award at the Nashville Film Festival. Which, after some persuasion from Chevy, he grouchily decides to fly out to. He’s actually from Nashville, after all.

At the airport, he's met by Lil (Ariel Winter), his chaperone for his weekend in Tennessee. She's surly, aggressive and confrontational, constantly shouting down her phone at her deadbeat boyfriend. She picks Vic up in a rust-bucket car and deposits him in a sleazy motel. This is a far cry from what he was used to during his pomp.

As is the film festival itself, which is held in a scummy bar and organised by Lil's dweeby brother, played by the eternally dweeby Clark Duke. Vic ends up getting drunk and lashing out, then goes back to his motel and collapses on the bed in a stupor.

The next day, when Lil comes to take him back to the festival, he insists that she instead drive him around his home town so he can take a trip down memory lane. So, we now get an odd-couple road movie, where two opposites start to respect each other, realise they have more in common than they thought, etc.

Despite laying the schmaltz on a bit thick, THE LAST MOVIE STAR is a pretty good swansong for Reynolds, who died a few months after its release. He's committed and vulnerable, and there's genuine pathos when he comes to terms with his regrets. A couple of times, present-day Burt is spliced into footage from SMOKEY AND THE BANDIT and DELIVERANCE, the sequences recut so that Old Burt is interrogating his younger self. It's cheesy, but I found it effective.

Also of note is Winter. She's using the movie to push against her sitcom persona (as the nerd-bird daughter in Modern Family), in the tradition of Friends' Jennifer Aniston playing dowdy in THE GOOD GIRL (playing a character named Justine Last!) or James Van Der Beek sleazing it up in THE RULES OF ATTRACTION following Dawson's Creek. I was impressed, and I think Winter deserves a shot at longevity post-TV.

Does she have a chance of matching 82-year-old Burt Reynolds, top box-office draw from 1978 to 1982? Probably not, but as THE LAST MOVIE STAR makes very clear, there will only ever be one Burt. I mean, Vic Edwards. Of course.

Three stars out of five. 

Valid use of the word ‘last’?  Not literally. But since the concept of the movie star itself has long been in decline, it’s definitely fair to say that Vic/Burt is part of a dying breed.

What would a movie called THE FIRST MOVIE STAR be about?  That would be Florence Lawrence, widely thought to be the first film actor to be named publicly, back in the 1910s.

 

Previously:  THE LAST HEIST

Next time:  THE LAST SHARKNADO: IT’S ABOUT TIME    

Check out my books:  Jonathanlastauthor.com

THE LAST HEIST (2016, Mike Mendez)

 

* * 

Some criminals try to take money from a bank that isn't theirs.

Starring  Henry Rollins, Torrance Coombs, Victoria Pratt

Written by  Guy Stevenson

Produced by  Rick Benattar, Nigel Thomas

Duration  84 minutes

 

 

I must confess, I'd never heard of THE LAST HEIST. Wait, neither had you? Well, that's all right then!

So of course, the first thing I did was look the movie up on IMDb. And I found exactly one item of interest. There was a spate of movies with the same or similar names released within a six-year period. THE LAST HEIST itself in 2016 was followed by ONE LAST LAST HEIST in 2019 (not a sequel) and then THE LAST HEIST in 2022 (not a remake).

Does a few heist movies coming out around the same time constitute a trend? Sure, why not! And if so, what's to stop me now listing some other movie trends from years gone by – you know, ones that people actually noticed? 

All right then, here we go:

– Bleak and violent depictions of the Vietnam War: PLATOON (1986), FULL METAL JACKET, HAMBURGER HILL (both 1987).

– Underwater thrillers where explorers discover strange new creatures deep in the ocean: THE ABYSS, DEEPSTAR SIX, LEVIATHAN (all 1989).

– Disaster films about volcanic eruptions: DANTE'S PEAK, VOLCANO (both 1997)

– Disaster films about an asteroid hurtling toward Earth: DEEP IMPACT, ARMAGEDDON (both 1998).

– Films in which a person or person's lives are broadcast on TV: THE TRUMAN SHOW, PLEASANTVILLE (both 1998), EDTV (1999).

– Science fiction films questioning what is real or an illusion: THE MATRIX, THE THIRTEENTH FLOOR, EXISTENZ (all 1999).

– Modern-day Shakespeare adaptations featuring Julia Stiles: 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT YOU (1999), HAMLET (2000), O (2001).

– Science fiction adventure films about Mars: MISSION TO MARS, RED PLANET (both 2000), GHOSTS OF MARS (2001).

– Romantic comedies about friends who start a casual sexual relationship and end up falling in love: NO STRINGS ATTACHED, FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS (both 2011).

– Films about American nuns in Rome who are pregnant with the antichrist: THE FIRST OMEN, IMMACULATE (both 2024).

Plus let's not forget Gene Hackman's bizarre late-career choices.

Honestly though, the trend THE LAST HEIST fits into isn't really bank robbery movies. It's movies you find on streaming that you can't imagine people watching. Which is a pretty big trend, and not one likely to end any time soon.

Seriously, why would anyone put this movie on? If you had the urge to see criminals breaking into places, why would you choose THE LAST HEIST ahead of the numerous better alternatives? OCEAN'S ELEVEN, KILLING ZOE, INSIDE MAN, DOG DAY AFTERNOON, POINT BREAK, THE LAST DAYS OF AMERICAN CRIME ... actually, scrap that last one.

Maybe you would watch it to give yourself a new drinking game, one that revolves around spotting action movie clichés? I'm not going to attempt to list all THE LAST HEIST's crimes against originality, but here's a representative example: "You can't shoot me, you've got the safety on!" I'm sure you know the trope, but more details and some other guilty films can be found here.

Maybe you love hearing unimaginative dialogue? Such as: 

– "It’s showtime!" 

– "Did you get the stuff?"

– And this tried-and-tested exchange: "Fuck you!" "Fuck me? No, fuck you!"

Or perhaps unrealistic character choices are more your speed? My favourite: cop has a gun on someone from a safe distance, but elects to unnecessarily approach them, allowing himself to be disarmed and shot with his own weapon. 

Maybe you want to see THE LAST HEIST because it's a case study in how modern digital effects allow low-budget action films to both be more ambitious and look much cheaper? The guns here are never actually fired: flame bursts and rat-a-tat noises are added in post-production. Handguns never cycle their rounds; smoke and ejected shell casings are CGI.

Or could it be you'd watch this movie for Henry Rollins? I'd never heard of the man, but the copy surrounding the movie presents him as some sort of name. He seems to be channelling the creepy calm of Christian Bale's Patrick Bateman, from AMERICAN PSYCHO, pinstripe suit and everything. Except that he looks like a nerdy bespectacled stockbroker, rather than the buffed-up alpha bro type. His performance is definitely a highlight.

And here's where I must give THE LAST HEIST some credit for putting at least one original spin on the bank robbery formula. Rollins plays a hostage who is really a serial killer and who breaks loose to roam the bank's back offices, picking off the robbers and becoming as big an adversary to them as the cops outside. So, kind of if John McClane had ended up being a psycho.

You know, come to think of it, it's funny how DIE HARD isn't considered a heist flick. And in fact, as THE LAST HEIST trundles along, it ends up owing quite a debt to that action classic.

Stop me if you've heard any of this before:

– The robbers are after bearer bonds. 

– There's one good cop on the outside, who sees through the thieves' plan.

– Later, macho specialists turn up and claim jurisdiction, with a strategy that pays no regard to civilian casualties.

– There's a name gag to rival "Agents Johnson and Johnson ... no relation", with characters called Smith and Jones. 

– It's even set in Los Angeles, though it probably wasn't filmed there.

Anyway, THE LAST HEIST earns its extra star for Rollins and for at least attempting to do something new within a deeply worn formula. And also for the curveball ending where it lets the bad guy win.

Oh, sorry – spoiler for a film you've never heard of and are never going to watch.

Two stars out of five.

 

 

Valid use of the word ‘last’?  There will be other heists, but none carried out by this crew.

What would a movie called THE FIRST HEIST be like?  OCEAN'S ONE?

 

Previously:  EVERY LAST ONE OF THEM

Next time:  THE LAST MOVIE STAR 

Check out my books:  Jonathanlastauthor.com

EVERY LAST ONE OF THEM (2021, Christian Sesma)

 

* 

A father rocks up in a small town looking for his daughter, vengeance on his mind.

Starring  Paul Sloan, Jake Weber, Taryn Manning, Michael Madsen, Richard Dreyfuss

Written by  Chee Keong Cheung, Alistair Cave, Matthew Thomas Edwards, Christian Sesma  

Produced by  Mike Hatton, Michael Walker, Christian Sesma

Duration  82 minutes

 

All right then, so. You've read a lot of movie reviews. I've read a lot of movie reviews. Let's take that as a given.

We can therefore agree that movie reviews have certain conventions. Marks most reviewers seem to want to hit.

And I'm concerned that I'm not doing my reviews properly, because I never tend to hit those marks. Some of them I don't think I've hit even once.

This is the kind of thing that keeps me awake at night. (That and staying up too late watching movies.)

So that's why, for EVERY LAST ONE OF THEM, I'm going to pose what I've identified from my reading of others' reviews as the 10 essential questions a movie review must ask. And damn it, I'm going to bloody well answer all of them.

1. Does it know what kind of movie it wants to be?

It's a stranger-in-a-small-town thing, a man getting embroiled in an isolated place's business. The first thing that tipped me off was when the local head honcho was referred to as "the shogun around these parts" – surely a weak reference to YOJIMBO? And, therefore, LAST MAN STANDING?

It also wants to be a gritty suspense thriller. Emphasis on 'wants'.

2. Is the protagonist likable?

His name is Hunter, Jake Hunter. He's kind of an asshole. 

The movie tries – and fails – to get us on his side by surrounding him with less likable characters, in what is known as the Jeremy Piven tactic. There's a smarmy rich kid lording it up in a strip bar. Assorted thugs and heavies surround him. Corrupt cops come onto the scene. Not forgetting the strippers ... not to judge but, you know – strippers.

I'll tell you who I always thought was likable: Jake Webber, specifically in the brilliant DAWN OF THE DEAD remake. Not in this movie though, sadly. Here he plays strip-club-loving rich kid's dad, the aforementioned shogun. 

"We don't like strangers in this town," Webber declares early on. Are there really places like that? Wouldn't they welcome the tourist dollars or the fresh blood that would help the town to grow? What happens when people die or move away – will it just be left to the current families to keep the population going? Hmm, probably best not to think about that last one too much.

Anyway, our man Hunter is in these parts hunting for information about his missing teenage daughter. Turns out she was killed by Strip Bar Kid, after he got her into smack and all of that scene. So, that makes Hunter likable, I guess? Concerned parent and everything. 

Wait a sec, concerned parents can be assholes too! He shoots the kid dead in cold blood, despite not having yet found any real proof. I mean, I suppose we can say he's conflicted? A conflicted asshole. Much better ...

3. Is it trying hard to be another movie?

All descriptions of this film say it wishes it was CHINATOWN, owing to its water-control-conspiracy subplot. Kind of in the same way SPIES LIKE US wanted to be TRADING PLACES, or EVOLUTION wanted to be GHOSTBUSTERS, or DAYS OF THUNDER wanted to be TOP GUN. Only with an even wider chasm.

What I'm saying is, EVERY LAST ONE OF THEM is definitely no CHINATOWN. It's not even DAYS OF THUNDER – a movie, as I take any opportunity to point out, that was once described by Quentin Tarantino as "Sergio Leone with cars". 

4. What is the movie saying politically?

It's a left-wing fantasy about the little guy fighting the system. 

No, wait, it's actually a right-wing fantasy that glorifies a man killing anyone in his path he feels entitled to. 

Basically, you can take your pick. Hey, you will anyway, right?

5. Are there any ways this is the movie we need right now?

Only if what you need right now is noise to put on in the background while you do something else, like fold the laundry. And only then if you really can't abide the sound of silence.

6. Is it pretentious?

Richard Dreyfus's grizzled mentor figure is introduced playing chess in a park (apparently against himself). 

Groan. Using chess has to be the number-one cliché in the history of cinema; that and references to THE WIZARD OF OZ. Or in modern times, eulogising Batman and/or Superman.

7. Do any of the featured players have personal reputations that mean we aren't any longer allowed to enjoy their work?

In May 2024, JAWS star Dreyfuss attended a screening of the Spielberg classic at a cinema in Massachusetts. He took to the stage wearing a dress and then went on what a number of media outlets described as a "sexist and transphobic rant". Targets included Barbra Streisand, trans teenagers and the Motion Picture Academy of America's inclusively rules.

Abhorrent, for sure. My question is, will I still be able to watch ANOTHER STAKEOUT, MR HOLLAND'S OPUS, POSTCARDS FROM THE EDGE, et al? Or does the veto only count for pictures he starred in from the point of the scandal onwards? Which would make 2021's EVERY LAST ONE OF THEM safe, too. 

I wish someone would clarify the rules. Then I might have had a reason to avoid this movie altogether.

Oh, and the cameoing Michael Madsen (RIP) was no angel, either: drink, drugs, being accused of assaulting his wife and arrested for battery.

8. What was the budget and does the film 'do well' for it?

The number is unconfirmed, but it can't have been much. Dreyfuss and Madsen probably received a good chuck for their few minutes of screen time each. Whatever they were paid, it was worth it for giving the movie at least something to catch the eye when it pops up during a streaming scroll. Because certainly nothing else makes it stand out.

9. Is there something to be said about the contribution of random crew members?

Cinematographer Anthony J Rickert-Epstein manages to keep a consistent washed-out look throughout, like when you dial the 'colour' setting on your TV all the way down.

It's edited by Eric Potter, who seems to specialise in incoherent fight scenes. He goes for a fractured timeline, but fails to make this choice elicit any suspense or narrative drive. He does as least keep the running time mercifully brief.

The production designer is Johnson Cooley, who kits the cast out in a nice variety of bland, muted outfits. Wait, is that what a production designer does? The sets all look cheap, too, if it means that instead.

The makeup department consists of Britney Daley and Emily Unnasch, and they make sure that ... um ... shiny faces are kept to a minimum?

Meanwhile, art director Russell Jones ... ah, forget it.

I would also like to note that EVERY LAST ONE OF THEM has 32 credited producers. Thirty-two! That's across executive, co-executive, associate, line and just plain old producer, including its four best-known actors. What does this tell us? Buggered if I know.

10. What are the 'missed opportunities'?

You have to think. With all the money you need to make a movie: to secure the sets; employ the cast and crew; transport all the equipment; schedule everything and keep on track; get all the footage you need; lock down an edit. And finally, to get the thing actually released and seen by ... well, at least one person.

You have to think: what an opportunity to make something good. And so, yes, we do have an opportunity missed here. They could have made a much better movie than EVERY LAST ONE OF THEM.

One star out of five.

 

 

Valid use of the word ‘last’?  Hunter gets some of them, but certainly not every last one. Of them.

What would a movie called EVERY FIRST ONE OF THEM be like?  A grammatical travesty.

 

Previously:  LAST OF THE GRADS

Next time:  THE LAST HEIST

Check out my books:  Jonathanlastauthor.com

LAST OF THE GRADS (2021, Jay Jenkins, Collin Kliewe)

 

* 

It's the last day of school. And it could also be the last day ... of their lives.

Starring  Jessica Lang, Sara Eklund, Jadon Cal, Jim Fitzpatrick, Ethan Rich

Written by  Jay Jenkins, Collin Kliewe

Produced by  Jay Jenkins, Collin Kliewe, David Prue

Duration   113 minutes

Here's one of those notorious Hollywood stories. Might be true, might be bullshit. The fact that it comes from a famously subversive comedian does make you sceptical; but then again, it could be crazy enough to be true.

So, Bill Murray voices Garfield in GARFIELD: THE MOVIE (2004). It's a career choice he says he regrets during his cameo as himself in ZOMBIELAND (2013).

A year later, The New York Post reported Murray revealing why he chose to lend his vocal talents to the fat orange cat. His reason? He thought he was signing on to star in a movie written by one of the Coen brothers. He only realised he was mistaken after it was too late. You see, it was actually Joel Cohen, with an 'H', who had a hand in GARFIELD's script. The writer of, er, MONSTER MASH: THE MOVIE and MONEY TALKS, not the one who came up with RAISING ARIZONA and BARTON FINK.

All right, so now I'd like you to imagine something. You're a plucky young filmmaker. You have written a screenplay called LAST OF THE GRADS. You want to secure funding to direct it, and you know this will be easier with acting talent attached. You already have popular YouTuber 'Cr1TiKaL' in a small role, so that's the young demographic sorted.

But you want to cover all your bases. It's a competitive marketplace out there, you need someone from the other end of the appeal scale. An older star; Hollywood royalty. Your script is for a throwback slasher ... didn’t Jamie Lee Curtis successfully turn up again in the 2018 HALLOWEEN revival? OK, hiring an older female star doesn't always work, but surely it's worth a try?

Then, you notice the name of one of the actresses auditioning for LAST OF THE GRADS. And it gives you an idea. What about saying that you have cast Jessica Lange? Which would be close to the truth; hopefully close enough to get away with. 

Because instead of the Oscar-winning star of THE POSTMAN ALWAYS RINGS TWICE, TOOTISE and CAPE FEAR, you actually have Jessica Lang, who was in, um, LITTLE SISTER, TWISTED REVERIE and DARK ECHOS. But by the time anyone realises, it'll be too late!

This latter story is one that I definitely made up. But it does beg the question of what exactly young Miss Lang, the eventual lead in LAST OF THE GRADS, is trying to pull.

No member of the guilds that represent actors in the UK (Equity) or US (SAG-AFTRA) is allowed to have an identical working name to any another. You may in fact not be aware that there's a Billy Murray out there, most famous for nine years playing DS Don Beech in British cop show The Bill. 

I couldn't find much online about the young lady in question here, but surely there are only two possibilities: 

a) she was born Jessica Lang, was permitted to use that name despite the similarity to an existing actress, and she doesn't mind the potential confusion; or 

b) she was christened something else and decided to choose Jessica Lang as her stage name, presumably with the intention of encouraging confusion.

Which one is it? Will we ever know? It's certainly not as clear cut as with someone like James Deen, the porn star who was in that Bret Easton Ellis/Paul Schrader/Lindsay Lohan joint THE CANYONS in 2013.

So it's with this maddening uncertainty left unresolved that we move onto LAST OF THE GRADS itself. 

Here we have the kind of retro slasher that could have been made 40 years ago. It's of the school-set breed, joining the ranks of BLACK CHRISTMAS (1974), PROM NIGHT (1980), FINAL EXAM (1981), STUDENT BODIES (1981), RETURN TO HORROR HIGH (1987), CUTTING CLASS (1989), CHILD'S PLAY 3 (1991), and so on.

Like many a slasher, it starts with backstory. In this case far too much backstory, and with expositional voiceover to boot. It sets up two outcast teenage boys as a pair of killers. They're like a less-convincing version of those preppy lads from FUNNY GAMES and its remake, in which they're played by Michael Pitt and future BRUTALIST director Brady Corbet.

The boys' cross-country killing spree, reported during the opening credits in fake-looking newscasts, earns them the collective nickname the Coast-to-Coast Killer. But no one knows who they are, or if they even exist and aren't just an urban legend. 

And then finally, we settle in on the final day at a high school, where the youngsters are preparing to graduate. Featuring is the usual soap opera stuff: unrequited love; jocks off on football scholarships; promises to stay in touch after summer; yearbooks being signed.

Meanwhile, the local cops suspect that their sleepy town could be the next target for the killers, because ... I didn't quite get that part. But anyway, they of course turn out to be right.

From then on, LAST OF THE GRADS plays out exactly how you'd expect. Are there any surprises? No. Is it derivative, awkwardly acted, tediously scripted, cheesily scored, lacking in suspense and without any decent kills? Yes. 

Do I recommend it?

Let's just say I'm as likely to do that as I am to believe someone could mistake 20-something Jessica Lang for 70-something Jessica Lange. Or, for that matter, that an A-list actor would sign on for a talking cat movie believing that it's from the writer of FARGO and THE BIG LEBOWSKI. And then to go on to star in its sequel, too (GARFIELD 2: A TALE OF TWO KITTIES).

One star out of five.

 

 

Valid use of the word ‘last’?  Some live, some die. So ... yes, somewhat.

What would a movie called FIRST OF THE GRADS be about?  I guess if they give out the scrolls in alphabetical order, it would be about a bloke called Aaron A Aaronson.

Previously:  THE LAST TIME I COMMITTED SUICIDE

Next time:  EVERY LAST ONE OF THEM

Check out my books:  Jonathanlastauthor.com

THE LAST TIME I COMMITTED SUICIDE (1997, Stephen T Kay)

 

* * 

The rambling tale of one man's ramblings, in a movie that strains desperately to make us care. 

Starring  Thomas Jane, Keanu Reeves, Adrien Brody, John Doe, Claire Forlani

Written by  Stephen T Kay

Produced by  Edward Bates, Louise Rosner   

Duration  92 minutes   

Famously, we're told never to judge a book by its cover. So, I suppose we shouldn't judge a film by its title, either. But when that title is as distinctive as THE LAST TIME I COMMITTED SUICIDE, it's kind of hard not to.

It's a title that suggests a movie that will deal with controversial subject matter in a quirky way. FOUR LIONS (2010) is, I would say, the all-timer example of this. Suicide-bomber comedy is not likely to ever be a category on Netflix, but director Chris Morris manages to pull off the headline-baiting premise, while making a star out of Riz Ahmed along the way.

CITIZEN RUTH (1996) is another one. Alexander Payne made his debut with a black comedy that puts Laura Dern's pregnant and dim-witted title character at the centre of the highly combustible abortion debate. Oh, and there was "shit, dude, I've got cancer!" movie 50/50 (2011), from that period when Joseph Gordon Levitt was starring in comedy pictures with Seth Rogan.

I reckon the best scenario for THE LAST TIME I COMMITTED SUICIDE would've been if it turned out to be a mid-90s version of the 1985 teen suicide comedy BETTER OFF DEAD, with Keanu Reeves taking over from John Cusack. Instead of trying to hang himself in his parent's garage, it could be Keanu, dressed in John Wickian suit, comically trying and repeatedly failing to shoot himself in the head with one of his many guns. Or dressing up as Neo from THE MATRIX, proclaiming "I need an exit!" and then jumping off a bridge. Um, anyway, more on Mr Reeves later.

What we actually got with this movie sadly turned out to be something pretty terrible.

OK, perhaps that's a little strong. But there's no escaping that upon on actually watching THE LAST TIME I COMMITTED SUICIDE, my first impression was bad and things only got worse from there. And it was nothing to do with how the movie deals with sensitive issues. The next few paragraphs recount my first impressions in a kind of stream of consciousness – a jazzy riff, if you will.

So, what do we have here. Thomas Jane is wandering around his apartment mumbling to himself, with black and white photography and an excruciating jazz score. Man, I hate jazz. Jane sounds like he's running lines or something? Is he an actor? Then he sits down at his typewriter and types something. So, a writer.

OK, so now it's settled into colour. Jane is waiting to be let in somewhere, holding flowers. He starts the scene with a voiceover, it sounds like maybe he's reciting poetry? No, he's talking about the young woman he's visiting in what turns out to be a hospital, after some unspoken incident, an accident we assume.

The early scenes trickle by in kind of a mannered, wannabe Coen brothers style. Jane is pretty manic. In what is presumably a flashback, he comes to his girlfriend's office to take her out for lunch – "But it's 4pm!" she protests. He answers her phone for her, dances with the coat rack, affects a British accent, that sort of thing. Crazy guy; what I mean is, annoying.

There's a kind of retro feel, too: the ever-present annoying jazz, how everyone seems to use typewriters, not just him, it doesn't seem to be an eccentricity.

Wait, is this one of those beat poet things? I tried to read On the Road once and didn't make it very far. Too loose and dull and directionless.

Yes, it turns out the script was based on a 1950 letter written by Neal Cassady to Jack Kerouac. Who the hell was Neal Cassady? I'd never heard of the bloke but, according to Wikipedia, he was "a major figure of the Beat Generation of the 1950s and the psychedelic and counterculture movements of the 1960s". The reason he was obscure to me was that "he published only two short fragments of prose in his lifetime, but exerted considerable intellectual and stylistic influence through his conversation and correspondence."

This movie is apparently based on some of that correspondence. Boy, those must have been some long letters. Thousands of words, apparently. So that makes this movie less like adapting a tax rebate from HMRC and more tackling a short story.

(Oh wait, the girlfriend, it wasn't an accident – I get it now! It was a suicide attempt, hence the title of the movie. Can't say I blame her, going out with this tool.)

The only thing to have come out of this beat generation business that does anything for me is David Cronenberg’s NAKED LUNCH. Actually, I remember going on to read William Burroughs' source novel, then possibly Junk as well, if I recall. Those were OK; totally bonkers, but interesting and lively.

But still, this kind of all-over-the-place, jittery, motormouth vibe is too much for me. THE LAST TIME I COMMITTED SUICIDE embraces this approach wholeheartedly, with the camera spinning around like it's manned by a hyperactive child, editing stuffed with jump cuts back and forth in time, and yet more of that bloody awful jazz. And Jane's performance: cigarette always in hand, talking to himself, reciting things he's hoping to write (but I guess never does?), absorbed in how witty, urbane and original he believes himself to be.

And the final thing that put me off was that this Neal Cassidy abandons his girlfriend in the hospital to go joyriding with a co-starring Keanu, Amy Smart and some other girl of high school age. Not cool, daddio ... or sport, or whatever it was these beat generation types called each other. 

That's about all I have to say about THE LAST TIME I COMMITTED SUICIDE. Just a few closing words now about two actors.

Adrien Brody wanders into the film at one point, presumably around the time he was auditioning for THE THIN RED LINE. And I started wishing I was watching that movie instead. Wait a sec, Jane was in THIN RED LINE, too! They probably ran through scenes together. And then, after it came out, consoled each other over shots of bourbon in a grimy bar, complaining about how they both ended up with less screen time than some limey who only lasted one season in the British sitcom Game On.

And what of Mr Reeves in this movie? Sad to say, but he sticks out, like he always does. He pops up as Neal's pool-playing pal and joins him in drinking and talking, then pausing to have another drink before talking some more.

Look, there's no doubts about Keanu being A Really Nice Guy. After all, everyone knows he lives out of a suitcase and donates all of his acting royalties to charity (citation needed).

But it's always him in a movie, no matter who he is ostensibly playing. In MUCH ADO ABOUT NOTHING, he's Keanu doing school play Shakespeare. In BRAM STOKER'S DRACULA, he's Keanu with a wobbly English accent. And in this, he's Keanu in the 1950s, yet still sounding like a laidback surfer dude.

But despite that, I was glad to see him. He at least made this dross tolerable. Just about.

Two stars out of five. 

 

Valid use of the word ‘last’?  I think Jane actually uses this oh-so-amusing phrase at one point? It was hard to pick up among the rest of the never-ending voiceover.

What would a movie called THE FIRST TIME I COMMITTED SUICIDE be like?  There would be less rambling, you'd expect, and hopefully no jazz. Unless they played it at the damned funeral.

 

Previously:  THE LAST BUS

Next time:  LAST OF THE GRADS

Check out my books:  Jonathanlastauthor.com