LAST OF THE GRADS (2021, Jay Jenkins, Collin Kliewe)

 

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It's the last day of school. And it could also be the last day ... of their lives.

Starring  Jessica Lang, Sara Eklund, Jadon Cal, Jim Fitzpatrick, Ethan Rich

Written by  Jay Jenkins, Collin Kliewe

Produced by  Jay Jenkins, Collin Kliewe, David Prue

Duration   113 minutes

Here's one of those notorious Hollywood stories. Might be true, might be bullshit. The fact that it comes from a famously subversive comedian does make you sceptical; but then again, it could be crazy enough to be true.

So, Bill Murray voices Garfield in GARFIELD: THE MOVIE (2004). It's a career choice he says he regrets during his cameo as himself in ZOMBIELAND (2013).

A year later, The New York Post reported Murray revealing why he chose to lend his vocal talents to the fat orange cat. His reason? He thought he was signing on to star in a movie written by one of the Coen brothers. He only realised he was mistaken after it was too late. You see, it was actually Joel Cohen, with an 'H', who had a hand in GARFIELD's script. The writer of, er, MONSTER MASH: THE MOVIE and MONEY TALKS, not the one who came up with RAISING ARIZONA and BARTON FINK.

All right, so now I'd like you to imagine something. You're a plucky young filmmaker. You have written a screenplay called LAST OF THE GRADS. You want to secure funding to direct it, and you know this will be easier with acting talent attached. You already have popular YouTuber 'Cr1TiKaL' in a small role, so that's the young demographic sorted.

But you want to cover all your bases. It's a competitive marketplace out there, you need someone from the other end of the appeal scale. An older star; Hollywood royalty. Your script is for a throwback slasher ... didn’t Jamie Lee Curtis successfully turn up again in the 2018 HALLOWEEN revival? OK, hiring an older female star doesn't always work, but surely it's worth a try?

Then, you notice the name of one of the actresses auditioning for LAST OF THE GRADS. And it gives you an idea. What about saying that you have cast Jessica Lange? Which would be close to the truth; hopefully close enough to get away with. 

Because instead of the Oscar-winning star of THE POSTMAN ALWAYS RINGS TWICE, TOOTISE and CAPE FEAR, you actually have Jessica Lang, who was in, um, LITTLE SISTER, TWISTED REVERIE and DARK ECHOS. But by the time anyone realises, it'll be too late!

This latter story is one that I definitely made up. But it does beg the question of what exactly young Miss Lang, the eventual lead in LAST OF THE GRADS, is trying to pull.

No member of the guilds that represent actors in the UK (Equity) or US (SAG-AFTRA) is allowed to have an identical working name to any another. You may in fact not be aware that there's a Billy Murray out there, most famous for nine years playing DS Don Beech in British cop show The Bill. 

I couldn't find much online about the young lady in question here, but surely there are only two possibilities: 

a) she was born Jessica Lang, was permitted to use that name despite the similarity to an existing actress, and she doesn't mind the potential confusion; or 

b) she was christened something else and decided to choose Jessica Lang as her stage name, presumably with the intention of encouraging confusion.

Which one is it? Will we ever know? It's certainly not as clear cut as with someone like James Deen, the porn star who was in that Bret Easton Ellis/Paul Schrader/Lindsay Lohan joint THE CANYONS in 2013.

So it's with this maddening uncertainty left unresolved that we move onto LAST OF THE GRADS itself. 

Here we have the kind of retro slasher that could have been made 40 years ago. It's of the school-set breed, joining the ranks of BLACK CHRISTMAS (1974), PROM NIGHT (1980), FINAL EXAM (1981), STUDENT BODIES (1981), RETURN TO HORROR HIGH (1987), CUTTING CLASS (1989), CHILD'S PLAY 3 (1991), and so on.

Like many a slasher, it starts with backstory. In this case far too much backstory, and with expositional voiceover to boot. It sets up two outcast teenage boys as a pair of killers. They're like a less-convincing version of those preppy lads from FUNNY GAMES and its remake, in which they're played by Michael Pitt and future BRUTALIST director Brady Corbet.

The boys' cross-country killing spree, reported during the opening credits in fake-looking newscasts, earns them the collective nickname the Coast-to-Coast Killer. But no one knows who they are, or if they even exist and aren't just an urban legend. 

And then finally, we settle in on the final day at a high school, where the youngsters are preparing to graduate. Featuring is the usual soap opera stuff: unrequited love; jocks off on football scholarships; promises to stay in touch after summer; yearbooks being signed.

Meanwhile, the local cops suspect that their sleepy town could be the next target for the killers, because ... I didn't quite get that part. But anyway, they of course turn out to be right.

From then on, LAST OF THE GRADS plays out exactly how you'd expect. Are there any surprises? No. Is it derivative, awkwardly acted, tediously scripted, cheesily scored, lacking in suspense and without any decent kills? Yes. 

Do I recommend it?

Let's just say I'm as likely to do that as I am to believe someone could mistake 20-something Jessica Lang for 70-something Jessica Lange. Or, for that matter, that an A-list actor would sign on for a talking cat movie believing that it's from the writer of FARGO and THE BIG LEBOWSKI. And then to go on to star in its sequel, too (GARFIELD 2: A TALE OF TWO KITTIES).

One star out of five.

 

 

Valid use of the word ‘last’?  Some live, some die. So ... yes, somewhat.

What would a movie called FIRST OF THE GRADS be about?  I guess if they give out the scrolls in alphabetical order, it would be about a bloke called Aaron A Aaronson.

Previously:  THE LAST TIME I COMMITTED SUICIDE

Next time:  EVERY LAST ONE OF THEM

Check out my books:  Jonathanlastauthor.com