THE LAST SHARKNADO: IT’S ABOUT TIME (2018, Anthony C Ferrante)

 

* 

Sharks. Time travel. The Asylum. The Syfy Channel. Ostensibly, this is a movie.

Starring  Ian Ziering, Tara Reid, Cassie Scerbo, Judah Friedlander, Vivica A Fox

Written by  Scotty Mullen

Produced by  David Michael Latt

Duration  86 minutes   

 

Hi Mom,

Well, your boy has finally made it. Yes, it might be a SyFy original; yes, it might be from The Asylum, a studio below even Troma in terms of reputation. But it's still a movie and I'm still now a credited screenwriter!

But don't get too excited, ma. I'm not exactly proud of my work. In fact, I'm sorry to say it, but no sooner have I reached my dream that I've decided I'm going to pack it in and come back home. Hollywood broke me, ma. It broke me and the name it used was THE LAST SHARKNADO: IT'S ABOUT TIME.

I know, I know, I can't be blamed for everything about the movie my script produced. I can't be blamed for the choppy editing that tries to create excitement through incoherence. I can't be blamed for the non-existent acting ability of the no-name cast, or for how much the established actors were phoning it in. I can't be blamed for the PlayStation 2-standard special effects. 

And I certainly can't be blamed for having to carry the weight of the five previous entries in the SHARKNADO franchise – although I guess I could have sat down and watched them all before I fired up Final Draft. But if I had done that prep, I doubt I would have had much of a brain left to even open up my Macbook.

I knew I was in trouble right from the start, ma, right from the very first scene. They made me put two references to BACK TO THE FUTURE in the opening five pages. They insisted that we cheaply reference one of the most beloved time-travel comedies of all time – the highest grossing movie of 1985, $400m in mid-80's money. Twice in the first five minutes, ma! I don't think all of The Asylum's pictures have grossed $400m combined!

And then, they made me have the main guy take instructions from a hologram, done exactly like Princess Leia at the start of STAR WARS. Gosh-darned STAR WARS! And when this protagonist fellow later turns around to find a T-Rex looming over him, of course he has to glibly tell the man-eating beast, "Oh ... hi there!" Like, simply the worst kind of sub-Josh Whedon banter.

These monsters from the studio even forced me to put the most famous line from JAWS in, too; again, twice, just in case any of the dumbasses they think will be watching were too busy scrolling their phones to notice the first one. It's not enough that they're gonna need a bigger chainsaw, they're also gonna need a bigger explosion. I swear, ma, I know you don't approve of drinking, but I'm beginning to understand why Fitzgerald started reaching for the bottle after he went to Hollywood.

Look, ma. I understand that it's supposed to be bad. It's supposed to be over the top. And that if alcohol is optional for the writer, it definitely isn't for the viewer. But you remember when me and Booby-Joe and Stevie-Dean and all the other guys from the neighbouhood used to run around with Dad's camcorder making our little amateur movies? How we used crack each other up and wink at the camera, telling each other how stupid this all was?

That was funny because we were kids and it was cute, and you guys would lap it up when we screened them because you were our parents. We weren't actual grown-ups doing this for a job, expecting people to pay good money to sit through it!

If I can stomach it, I'll now spend a little bit of this letter telling you about the plot of this trashterpiece I spent months putting my so-called skills into. 

So, our gang of quip-happy adventurers have travelled back in time to kill the first ever sharknado (sharks that can fly, of course) and in doing so eliminate the whole species from ever existing. Like the plot of THE TERMINATOR, I guess. After first trying this in the Jurassic era, they skip ahead to Camelot in the Middle Ages, where they fight alongside the castle-dwellers. 

It's here in the finished movie that THE LAST SHARKNADO trades on the kind of stunt casting that you expect from The Asylum. Councillor Troy from Star Trek: The Next Generation; Neil deGrasse Tyson as a scientist guy; one of the contestants from RuPaul's Drag Race as a gender-flipped Merlin. And let me tell you, 'drag' is the right word – and I don’t mean when a guy dresses up in girls' clothing.

But wait, ma. You remember all those screenwriting lessons I took? One thing they drummed into us was pacing. To give your story room to develop, including plot points and character growth. And I was really looking forward to flexing these skills in my first feature screenplay. But my bosses at The Asylum were having none of that. The notes I kept getting were saying things like "Faster! Keep the characters moving! Never stop and give the audience a chance to think!"

Was this because the movie is going to be shown on TV, so they're worried about people channel-hopping? Is this the same thing people who write for streaming are being told – which, let's face it, is the place most wannabe screenwriters like me end up these days?

Anyway, all of this feedback to hurry things along meant that the ancient olden-times couldn’t be the backdrop for long. After the bare-minimum of exposition, the team jump forward to the Declaration of Independence, where of course they meet George Washington and Alexander Hamilton (and yes, I did have to put a joke in about the musical). Then before long, they're in the Old West, with Pat Garrett and Billy the Kid. 

Later, it's a 1950's beach party, then a stop-off in the late-90's San Francisco ... It ends up resembling a witless version of BILL AND TED'S EXCELLENT ADVENTURE – which, as I'm sure you'll remember, was one of my favorite movies growing up and one of the reasons I wanted to write for the screen in the first place.

I think I'm gonna cry now, Mom.

Oh, and here's another studio note I got: "We need even more BACK TO THE FUTURE references. Put another one in after 30 pages – or you're fired!"

I'm gonna go online now and look for flights home. Hope you haven't rented out my room yet.

Love to Dad,

Your son

One star out of five.

 

Valid use of the word ‘last’?  No one ever thought there could be two of these things, let alone six. So, anything's still possible.

What would a movie called THE FIRST SHARKNADO be like?  It is within all our capabilities to watch the first one in the series and find out. And it's in all our best interests to never do that.

 

Previously:  THE LAST MOVIE STAR

Next time:  LAST SEEN ALIVE

Check out my books:  Jonathanlastauthor.com

THE LAST MOVIE STAR (2017, Adam Rifkin)

 

* * * 

An over-the-hill actor re-evaluates his life when he’s coaxed into appearing at an obscure film festival being held in his honour.

Starring  Burt Reynolds, Ariel Winter, Clark Duke, Ellar Coltrane, Chevy Chase  

Written by  Adam Rifkin   

Produced by  Brian Cavallaro, Neil Mandt, Adam Rifkin, Gordon Whitener

Duration  103 minutes

 

Well I never.

Burt Reynolds just joined my list of actors that I never realised were also directors. (Bill Duke, Henry Winkler, Paul Newman, Michael Keaton and Dennis Hopper complete that list.)

Yes, I know Burt didn’t direct this movie. Frustratingly, one of his credits behind the camera is something called THE LAST PRODUCER. I wanted to make that movie the subject of this review, but unfortunately, I couldn’t find a copy anywhere. If I had been able to, then the tangent I’m about to go off on would make much more sense. Not that I’m not going to let a detail like that deter me.

So, it turns out the late Mr Reynolds was credited as director on seven feature films. He’s certainly not part of the one-and-done crowd of actor/directors: I’m thinking Johnny Depp, Richard Pryor, Nicolas Cage, Dan Aykroyd, Ryan Gosling, Marlon Brando, Drew Barrymore, Eddie Murphy, Steven Seagal. You know, those guys.

Burt’s tally may be far short of the, say, 40 that Clint Eastwood has under his belt, but surely his number should be high enough for the world to acknowledge that he had a career behind the camera as well as in front? After all, his seven is only two less than Robert Redford managed and one more than Mel Gibson so far. And yet, when you Google Redford, Gibson or Clint, you get back ‘actor and filmmaker’. But poor Burt only comes up as ‘actor’.

We can speculate as to why this might be. Is it because Reynolds never directed a Best Picture winner, such as ORDINARY PEOPLE, BRAVEHEART or UNFORGIVEN and MILLION DOLLAR BABY? Maybe. Is it because his films are instead obscure efforts such as GATOR, STICK and THE MAN FROM LEFT FIELD? Possibly. Is it to do with how apart from THE END and SHARKEY’S MACHINE, barely anyone went to see them? Very likely.

Whatever the reason, being seen as an actor only makes Burt ideal to headline THE LAST MOVIE STAR. Reynolds is known as a macho, mustachioed star of 1970’s cinema and that’s all he’s known for. That, and for getting a Best Supporting Actor nomination for BOOGIE NIGHTS in 1997 and then promptly disowning the film.

And so, THE LAST MOVIE STAR. Burt plays Vic Edwards, a Reynolds proxy – they literally introduce him with genuine talk show footage from our man's '70s pomp.

But before long, we're in the present day, specifically a grey-walled waiting room, with a haggard and grey-haired Vic, dressed in a grey jacket and sporting a grey-white beard. He's at the vet with his loyal dog, who can no longer function properly and is well past his best. Metaphor alert.

Vic still has his gated LA mansion to drive home to, but despite the posters of his old movies lining the walls, it's a sad, empty, curtain-drawn place. Vic settles into his threadbare armchair and drinks vodka straight from the bottle. Beyond this, his day-to-day consists of sauntering to the supermarket, struggling with the shopping trolley and being ignored when he smiles at young women.

The plot kicks into gear when Vic goes to brunch with his pal, played by a wrinkly Chevy Chase. Turns out Vic's being honoured with a lifetime achievement award at the Nashville Film Festival. Which, after some persuasion from Chevy, he grouchily decides to fly out to. He’s actually from Nashville, after all.

At the airport, he's met by Lil (Ariel Winter), his chaperone for his weekend in Tennessee. She's surly, aggressive and confrontational, constantly shouting down her phone at her deadbeat boyfriend. She picks Vic up in a rust-bucket car and deposits him in a sleazy motel. This is a far cry from what he was used to during his pomp.

As is the film festival itself, which is held in a scummy bar and organised by Lil's dweeby brother, played by the eternally dweeby Clark Duke. Vic ends up getting drunk and lashing out, then goes back to his motel and collapses on the bed in a stupor.

The next day, when Lil comes to take him back to the festival, he insists that she instead drive him around his home town so he can take a trip down memory lane. So, we now get an odd-couple road movie, where two opposites start to respect each other, realise they have more in common than they thought, etc.

Despite laying the schmaltz on a bit thick, THE LAST MOVIE STAR is a pretty good swansong for Reynolds, who died a few months after its release. He's committed and vulnerable, and there's genuine pathos when he comes to terms with his regrets. A couple of times, present-day Burt is spliced into footage from SMOKEY AND THE BANDIT and DELIVERANCE, the sequences recut so that Old Burt is interrogating his younger self. It's cheesy, but I found it effective.

Also of note is Winter. She's using the movie to push against her sitcom persona (as the nerd-bird daughter in Modern Family), in the tradition of Friends' Jennifer Aniston playing dowdy in THE GOOD GIRL (playing a character named Justine Last!) or James Van Der Beek sleazing it up in THE RULES OF ATTRACTION following Dawson's Creek. I was impressed, and I think Winter deserves a shot at longevity post-TV.

Does she have a chance of matching 82-year-old Burt Reynolds, top box-office draw from 1978 to 1982? Probably not, but as THE LAST MOVIE STAR makes very clear, there will only ever be one Burt. I mean, Vic Edwards. Of course.

Three stars out of five. 

Valid use of the word ‘last’?  Not literally. But since the concept of the movie star itself has long been in decline, it’s definitely fair to say that Vic/Burt is part of a dying breed.

What would a movie called THE FIRST MOVIE STAR be about?  That would be Florence Lawrence, widely thought to be the first film actor to be named publicly, back in the 1910s.

 

Previously:  THE LAST HEIST

Next time:  THE LAST SHARKNADO: IT’S ABOUT TIME    

Check out my books:  Jonathanlastauthor.com

THE LAST HEIST (2016, Mike Mendez)

 

* * 

Some criminals try to take money from a bank that isn't theirs.

Starring  Henry Rollins, Torrance Coombs, Victoria Pratt

Written by  Guy Stevenson

Produced by  Rick Benattar, Nigel Thomas

Duration  84 minutes

 

 

I must confess, I'd never heard of THE LAST HEIST. Wait, neither had you? Well, that's all right then!

So of course, the first thing I did was look the movie up on IMDb. And I found exactly one item of interest. There was a spate of movies with the same or similar names released within a six-year period. THE LAST HEIST itself in 2016 was followed by ONE LAST LAST HEIST in 2019 (not a sequel) and then THE LAST HEIST in 2022 (not a remake).

Does a few heist movies coming out around the same time constitute a trend? Sure, why not! And if so, what's to stop me now listing some other movie trends from years gone by – you know, ones that people actually noticed? 

All right then, here we go:

– Bleak and violent depictions of the Vietnam War: PLATOON (1986), FULL METAL JACKET, HAMBURGER HILL (both 1987).

– Underwater thrillers where explorers discover strange new creatures deep in the ocean: THE ABYSS, DEEPSTAR SIX, LEVIATHAN (all 1989).

– Disaster films about volcanic eruptions: DANTE'S PEAK, VOLCANO (both 1997)

– Disaster films about an asteroid hurtling toward Earth: DEEP IMPACT, ARMAGEDDON (both 1998).

– Films in which a person or person's lives are broadcast on TV: THE TRUMAN SHOW, PLEASANTVILLE (both 1998), EDTV (1999).

– Science fiction films questioning what is real or an illusion: THE MATRIX, THE THIRTEENTH FLOOR, EXISTENZ (all 1999).

– Modern-day Shakespeare adaptations featuring Julia Stiles: 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT YOU (1999), HAMLET (2000), O (2001).

– Science fiction adventure films about Mars: MISSION TO MARS, RED PLANET (both 2000), GHOSTS OF MARS (2001).

– Romantic comedies about friends who start a casual sexual relationship and end up falling in love: NO STRINGS ATTACHED, FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS (both 2011).

– Films about American nuns in Rome who are pregnant with the antichrist: THE FIRST OMEN, IMMACULATE (both 2024).

Plus let's not forget Gene Hackman's bizarre late-career choices.

Honestly though, the trend THE LAST HEIST fits into isn't really bank robbery movies. It's movies you find on streaming that you can't imagine people watching. Which is a pretty big trend, and not one likely to end any time soon.

Seriously, why would anyone put this movie on? If you had the urge to see criminals breaking into places, why would you choose THE LAST HEIST ahead of the numerous better alternatives? OCEAN'S ELEVEN, KILLING ZOE, INSIDE MAN, DOG DAY AFTERNOON, POINT BREAK, THE LAST DAYS OF AMERICAN CRIME ... actually, scrap that last one.

Maybe you would watch it to give yourself a new drinking game, one that revolves around spotting action movie clichés? I'm not going to attempt to list all THE LAST HEIST's crimes against originality, but here's a representative example: "You can't shoot me, you've got the safety on!" I'm sure you know the trope, but more details and some other guilty films can be found here.

Maybe you love hearing unimaginative dialogue? Such as: 

– "It’s showtime!" 

– "Did you get the stuff?"

– And this tried-and-tested exchange: "Fuck you!" "Fuck me? No, fuck you!"

Or perhaps unrealistic character choices are more your speed? My favourite: cop has a gun on someone from a safe distance, but elects to unnecessarily approach them, allowing himself to be disarmed and shot with his own weapon. 

Maybe you want to see THE LAST HEIST because it's a case study in how modern digital effects allow low-budget action films to both be more ambitious and look much cheaper? The guns here are never actually fired: flame bursts and rat-a-tat noises are added in post-production. Handguns never cycle their rounds; smoke and ejected shell casings are CGI.

Or could it be you'd watch this movie for Henry Rollins? I'd never heard of the man, but the copy surrounding the movie presents him as some sort of name. He seems to be channelling the creepy calm of Christian Bale's Patrick Bateman, from AMERICAN PSYCHO, pinstripe suit and everything. Except that he looks like a nerdy bespectacled stockbroker, rather than the buffed-up alpha bro type. His performance is definitely a highlight.

And here's where I must give THE LAST HEIST some credit for putting at least one original spin on the bank robbery formula. Rollins plays a hostage who is really a serial killer and who breaks loose to roam the bank's back offices, picking off the robbers and becoming as big an adversary to them as the cops outside. So, kind of if John McClane had ended up being a psycho.

You know, come to think of it, it's funny how DIE HARD isn't considered a heist flick. And in fact, as THE LAST HEIST trundles along, it ends up owing quite a debt to that action classic.

Stop me if you've heard any of this before:

– The robbers are after bearer bonds. 

– There's one good cop on the outside, who sees through the thieves' plan.

– Later, macho specialists turn up and claim jurisdiction, with a strategy that pays no regard to civilian casualties.

– There's a name gag to rival "Agents Johnson and Johnson ... no relation", with characters called Smith and Jones. 

– It's even set in Los Angeles, though it probably wasn't filmed there.

Anyway, THE LAST HEIST earns its extra star for Rollins and for at least attempting to do something new within a deeply worn formula. And also for the curveball ending where it lets the bad guy win.

Oh, sorry – spoiler for a film you've never heard of and are never going to watch.

Two stars out of five.

 

 

Valid use of the word ‘last’?  There will be other heists, but none carried out by this crew.

What would a movie called THE FIRST HEIST be like?  OCEAN'S ONE?

 

Previously:  EVERY LAST ONE OF THEM

Next time:  THE LAST MOVIE STAR 

Check out my books:  Jonathanlastauthor.com