THE LAST HEIST (2016, Mike Mendez)

 

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A banks holds money. It's not their money, but some criminals want it anyway.

Starring  Henry Rollins, Torrance Coombs, Victoria Pratt

Written by  Guy Stevenson

Produced by  Rick Benattar, Nigel Thomas

Duration  84 minutes

 

 

I must confess, I'd never heard of THE LAST HEIST. Wait, neither had you? Well, that's all right then!

So of course the first thing I did was look the movie up on IMDb. And I found exactly one item of interest. There was a spate of movies with the same or similar names released within a six-year period. THE LAST HEIST itself in 2016 was followed by ONE LAST LAST HEIST in 2019 (not a sequel) and then THE LAST HEIST in 2022 (not a remake).

Does a few heist movies coming out around the same time constitute a trend? Sure, why not! And if so, what's to stop me now listing some other movie trends from years gone by – you know, ones that people actually noticed? 

All right then, here we go:

– Bleak and violent depictions of the Vietnam War: PLATOON (1986), FULL METAL JACKET, HAMBURGER HILL (both 1987).

– Underwater thrillers where explorers discover strange new creatures deep in the ocean: THE ABYSS, DEEPSTAR SIX, LEVIATHAN (all 1989).

– Disaster films about volcanic eruptions: DANTE'S PEAK, VOLCANO (both 1997)

– Disaster films about an asteroid hurtling toward Earth: DEEP IMPACT, ARMAGEDDON (both 1998).

– Films in which a person or person's lives are broadcast on TV: THE TRUMAN SHOW, PLEASANTVILLE (both 1998), EDTV (1999).

– Science fiction films questioning what is real or an illusion: THE MATRIX, THE THIRTEENTH FLOOR, EXISTENZ (all 1999).

– Modern-day Shakespeare adaptations featuring Julia Stiles: 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT YOU (1999), HAMLET (2000), O (2001).

– Science fiction adventure films about Mars: MISSION TO MARS, RED PLANET (both 2000), GHOSTS OF MARS (2001).

– Romantic comedies about friends who start a casual sexual relationship and end up falling in love: NO STRINGS ATTACHED, FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS (both 2011).

– Films about American nuns in Rome who are pregnant with the antichrist: THE FIRST OMEN, IMMACULATE (both 2024).

Plus let's not forget Gene Hackman's bizarre late-career choices.

Honestly though, the trend THE LAST HEIST fits into isn't really bank robbery movies. It's movies you find on streaming that you can't imagine people watching. Which is a pretty big trend, and not one likely to end any time soon.

Seriously, why would anyone put this movie on? If you had the urge to see criminals breaking into places, why would you choose THE LAST HEIST ahead of the numerous better alternatives? OCEAN'S ELEVEN, KILLING ZOE, INSIDE MAN, DOG DAY AFTERNOON, POINT BREAK, THE LAST DAYS OF AMERICAN CRIME ... actually, scrap that last one.

Maybe you would watch it to give yourself a new drinking game, one that revolves around spotting action movie clichés? I'm not going to attempt to list all THE LAST HEIST's crimes against originality, but here's a representative example: "You can't shoot me, you've got the safety on!" I'm sure you know the trope, but more details and some other guilty films can be found here.

Maybe you love hearing unimaginative dialogue? Such as: 

– "It’s showtime!" 

– "Did you get the stuff?"

– And this tried-and-tested exchange "Fuck you!" "Fuck me? No, fuck you!"

Or perhaps unrealistic character choices are more your speed? My favourite: cop has a gun on someone from a safe distance, but elects to unnecessarily approach them, allowing himself to be disarmed and shot with his own weapon. 

Maybe you want to see THE LAST HEIST because it's a case study in how modern digital effects allow low-budget action films to both be more ambitious and look much cheaper? The guns here are never actually fired: flame bursts and rat-a-tat noisess are added in post-production. Handguns never cycle their rounds; smoke and ejected shell casings are CGI.

Or maybe you would watch this movie for Henry Rollins? I'd never heard of the man, but the copy surrounding the movie presents him as some sort of name. He seems to be channelling the creepy calm of Christian Bale's Patrick Bateman, from AMERICAN PSYCHO, pinstripe suit and everything. Except that he looks like a nerdy bespectacled stockbroker, rather than the buffed-up alpha bro type. His performance is definitely a highlight.

And here's where I must give THE LAST HEIST some credit for putting at least one original spin on the bank robbery formula. Rollins plays a hostage who is really a serial killer and who breaks loose to roam the bank's back offices, picking off the robbers and becoming as big an adversary to them as the cops outside. So, kind of if John McClane had ended up being a psycho.

You know, come to think of it, it's funny how DIE HARD isn't considered a heist flick. And in fact, as THE LAST HEIST trundles along, it ends up owing quite a debt to that action classic.

Stop me if you've heard any of this before:

– The robbers are after bearer bonds. 

– There's one good cop on the outside, who sees through the thieves' plan.

– Later, macho specialists turn up and claim jurisdiction, with a strategy that pays no regard to civilian casualties.

– There's a name gag to rival "Agents Johnson and Johnson ... no relation", with characters called Smith and Jones. 

– It's even set in Los Angeles, though it probably wasn't filmed there.

Anyway, THE LAST HEIST earns its extra star for Rollins and for at least attempting to do something new within a deeply worn formula. And also for the curveball ending where it lets the bad guy win.

Oh, sorry – spoiler for a film you've never heard of and are never going to watch.

Two stars out of five.

 

 

Valid use of the word ‘last’?  There will be other heists, but none carried out by this crew.

What would a movie called THE FIRST HEIST be like?  OCEAN'S ONE?

 

Previously:  EVERY LAST ONE OF THEM

Next time:  THE LAST MOVIE STAR 

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