LAST CALL (2021, Paolo Pilladi)

 

* 

When a death in the family forces a successful dude to return to his old neighbourhood, he can't wait to leave again – until he actually (gasp!) ends up wanting stay.

Starring  Jeremy Piven, Taryn Manning, Zach McGowan, Cathy Moriarty, Jamie Kennedy, Bruce Dern

Written by  Paolo Pilladi, Greg Lingo  

Produced by  DJ Dodd, Rob Simmons, Ante Novakovic, Paolo Pilladi

Duration  102 minutes   

"Stan, you have the undeserved ego of Jeremy Piven!"

– Francine Smith, American Dad

Actors are supposed to be likable. That's the whole idea, right? Their names go above the title and they lure us in to see the film. We want to look at them and listen to them for two hours, to be by their side during a succession of challenging scenarios.

Even the ones who usually play villains are charismatic in a fun, love-to-hate-them kind of way, with an anti-likability that does what it needs to do.

So how the hell do you explain the continuing career of Jeremy Piven? Maybe he's a perfectly nice bloke in real life, who knows. (Although it seems unlikely.) But his onscreen persona can be described with one word: assholish.

Who actually is this guy, anyway? He's mostly known as John Cusack's pal: they starred in 10 movies together; well, Cusack usually starred and let Piven wander into frame to deliver a few lines now and then.

Or maybe that should be former pal. In 2007, Piven implied that they hadn't collaborated since 2003's lesser John Grisham adaptation THE RUNAWAY JURY because his old pal was jealous of his success in Entourage. OK, Piven won a few Emmys for the show, but I mean come on! What kind of conceited narcissist thinks that a fellow actor whose career has seen him work with Rob Reiner, James L Brooks, Cameron Crowe, John Hughes, Herbert Ross, Woody Allen, Alan Parker, Clint Eastwood and Terrence Malick is going to get an attack of the green-eyed monster because you get to say "Hug it out, bitch!" to Kevin Connolly every Sunday night on HBO?

(Plus, although it was hardly Piven's fault, I always resented that as good as he certainly was on Entourage, he stole focus from the equally award-worthy and hilarious Kevin Dillon, who played overshadowed older brother Johnny 'Drama' Chase.)

Here are some examples of Mr Piven's assholish contributions to the silver screen:

– LUCAS (1986): Debuting in this sensitive teen drama, he plays a school bully who manages to be the biggest prick in a film that also stars Charlie Sheen.

– JUDGEMENT NIGHT (1993): Plays a yuppie scumbag who doesn't report his involvement in a hit-and-run, and spends the movie being patronising to the residents of the lower income community he and his pals have brazenly wandered into.

– PCU (1994): Plays the leader of a fraternity who are rebelling against the modern sensibilities of America's most politically correct university.

– HEAT (1995): Plays a dodgy veterinarian who patches up villains like Val Kilmer's character after they've, say, taken a bullet during a daring armed bank robbery in downtown LA. And if you read sequel novel Heat 2, it turns out he didn't do a very good job.

– VERY BAD THINGS (1999): Plays the member of a stag party whose accidental (not that that's an excuse) killing of a prostitute sets all the bad things in motion. Manages to stand out as notably sleazy in a film that can most accurately be described as a sleazefest.

– BLACK HAWK DOWN (2001): Plays the pilot of the first black hawk that goes down. He's hardly culpable (or maybe he is, I can't remember), but the crash does lead to a lot of carnage.

– SNOKIN' ACES (2006): Plays a magician and wannabe gangster who rats out his friends, and whom everybody who isn't in law enforcement wants to see dead (and the cops probably do too, just so they won’t have to listen to any more of his coke-fuelled rants).

– ROCKNROLLA (2008): Plays a smarmy American music exec who gets in hot water with the Cockney mafia because of his connection to a druggie rock star. While wearing a silly hat and a white plastic wristwatch.

– THE GOODS: LIVE FREE, SELL HARD (2009): Director Adam McKay tries to make Piven into the new Will Ferrell. No one swallows it and the experiment is swiftly pulled.

– SPY KIDS: ALL THE TIME IN THE WORLD (2011): Plays the villain. Looks comfortable with the brief.

And, of course, his TV role as super-agent Ari Gold brought him to plaudit-receiving levels of assholism.

Believe it or not, I used to get the same kind of negative vibe from Bradley Cooper, having first encountered him in assholish roles, which included WET HOT AMERICAN SUMMER, WEDDING CRASHERS and THE HANGOVER. But Cooper gradually reinvented himself and is now a thoughtful and compelling actor (not to mention writer/director).

Could it be that Piven has actually done the same, and all I needed to do was give him another chance, this time in one of his rare starring vehicles? Let's find out!

In LAST CALL, J-Piv plays a successful real estate developer (two of his early lines: "I closed two deals before lunch" and "if you need to find me, just email my assistant"  – so, basically Ari Gold in another industry), who moved to The City from The Suburbs and reluctantly saunters back home for his mother's funeral. 

Yes, this is Piven headlining a form of those terrible Hallmark romcoms where the high-flying protagonist (usually a woman) returns to the hometown that they boast about escaping from, only to have their heart melted by the small-town ways they'd told everyone were beneath them. And, of course, they find romance and decide to stay permanently.

All of that happens in LAST CALL. Piven meets up with his former neighbour, played by Taryn Manning, and the sparks fly (or at least they do according to the script – in reality, the two actors have zero chemistry). And he decides to help his old man keep the family pub in business, finding the kind of satisfaction and meaningfulness that he finally realises his wealth and white-collar existence had been denying him, etc etc.

So, the film is 100% uninspired in both premise and execution. But what about our man?

Well, my opinion remains unchanged. The Piv actually looks pretty bored throughout – at least in Entourage his assholery had some energy to it. Here he just lumbers through endless drinking montages with hammered and aggressive salt-of-the-Earth types who babble the kind of tirades that are hard to tolerate when you too are drunk and totally unbearable when sober, occasionally broken up by appearances by faces Bruce Dern (as a barfly), Cathy Moriarty (as a neighbour with a random accent), Jamie Kennedy (as another barfly) and Jack McGee (as Piven's dad, with an accent that's definitely supposed to be Irish).

For LAST CALL, the filmmakers clearly reslised that directing Piven to be less of an asshole was fruitless. They instead surrounded him with other assholish people to try to make him seem less assholey in comparison. The unfortunate result? One giant asshole-fest.

One star out of five.

Valid use of the word ‘last’?  Well, the drinking never seems to stop, even for licensing laws, so no.

What would a movie called FIRST CALL be about?  A biopic of Alexander Graham Bell, climaxing with him dialling on his new invention for the first time and tensely waiting for the person on the other end to pick up.

Previously:  THE LAST SONG

Next time:  LAST EXIT TO BROOKLYN    

Check out my books:  Jonathanlastauthor.com

THE LAST SONG (2010, Julie Anne Robinson)

 

* * 

A teenaged musical prodigy has fallen out with her Dad/mentor and into petty crime. Can she rediscover herself and find true love over one life-changing summer?

Starring  Miley Cyrus, Liam Hemsworth, Bobby Coleman, Kelly Preston, Greg Kinnear

Written by  Nicholas Sparks, Jeff Van Wie

Produced by  Adam Shankman, Jennifer Gibgot

Duration  107 minutes

Presenting THE LAST SONG: myths vs reality.

Myth: The couples in movies adapted from Nicholas Sparks novels are not together in real life.

Reality: Liam Hemsworth and Miley Cyrus began a relationship during the filming of THE LAST SONG, and were then on-again-off-again before getting married in 2018. Sadly, that turned out to be the beginning of the end, instead of a Sparks-style happily ever after, and they signed divorce papers in 2020.

Meanwhile, Canadian royalty Ryan Gosling and Rachel McAdams fell in love on the set of Sparks urtext THE NOTEBOOK (2004), as did Zac Efron and Taylor Schilling while filming THE LUCKY ONE (2012).

Myth: These Nicholas Sparks stories are all the same.

Reality: I've never read a Nicholas Sparks book and can't envision a scenario in which I would. This is only the second of the movie adaptations I've seen, having watched THE NOTEBOOK with an ex-girlfriend (guess whose choice it was on that movie night).

The Sparks properties certainly look identical, if you judge by the posters: young man, young woman, facing each other in a loving embrace or near-embrace, possibly with a sun setting in the background. But I'm sure across however many there have been there's at least some variety in ... holy crap, the guy's had 12 novels adapted for the screen! He's like the 21st Century's John Grisham, only with fewer courtrooms and far more staring dolefully into each other's eyes.

Myth: A wayward kid coming to a new town is an original setup for a coming of age story.

Reality: I thought at first that the relocation scenario in this movie was a permanent one, a la Daniel LaRusso moving to California from New Jersey in THE KARATE KID. But actually in THE LAST SONG the mum is just bringing these city kids to spend summer at the coast with their dad, many years since divorced.

There's talk in the car of how Miley's character Ronnie was arrested for shoplifting, and she then refuses to embrace or even talk to the old man upon arriving at his beach house. There's resentment simmering there, I tells ya.

She's troubled, but also talented, recently getting into Juliard with no audition. "They've been watching her for years," apparently. (Bit creepy?) But she now doesn't play anymore – and her dad is a former concert pianist, to boot.

Ronnie's kind of a goth; no black makeup or piercings, but she definitely had the sour face and dark clothing.

The obligatory meet-cute, meanwhile, goes for the NOTTING HILL collision-with-spilled-drink approach, this time on the beach with added humiliation in front of a crowd and the male minus his shirt (that'd be Mr Hemsworth).

Myth: Liam is the most obscure of the Hemsworth siblings.

Reality: When compared to older brother Chris, of course he is. Liam's THE EXPENDABLES 2, the HUNGER GAMES series and, er, INDEPENDENCE DAY: RESURGENCE are no match for Chris having been a central figure in the whole Marvel thing, not to mention working with Michael Mann (BLACKHAT) and Ron Howard (RUSH, IN THE HEART OF THE SEA) and getting his own action franchise with Netflix's EXTRACTION.

(Liam actually tested for the role of Thor before losing it to Chris, and had to then watch his bro's career skyrocket. Bet Christmas dinner was fun that year!)

But actually, there is a third acting Hemsworth: oldest brother Luke, best (only?) known for confusing sci-fi saga Westworld. Sorry, Luke – you probably got the biggest bedroom growing up, if that's any consolation.

Myth: Star vehicles that try to make actors out of singers are never a good idea.

Reality: Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes they end up as legit actors, sometimes it remains a one-off gimmick. For every Lady Gaga or Ice Cube, there's a Britney Spears or an Eminem who never really make the transition.

And then there are people like Justin Timberlake and Mandy Moore who seem to straddle both disciplines equally. I guess you would put Miley Cyrus into that category, even if the acting has been a little thin on the ground recently.

Myth: Art doesn't imitate life in the plot of THE LAST SONG.

Reality: I mean, there's the musical stuff, of course, and like Ronnie, Miley has a musician Dad (I've only ever heard that 'Achy Breaky Heart' song, but apparently Billy Ray Cyrus was a pretty big deal at one point). Plus Miley had her own rebellious period: that whole 'Wreaking Ball', sticking her tongue out at every opportunity phase.

Must have been almost as much of a struggle for her to get into character as it was for Marshall Mathers in 8 MILE.

 

Myth: A screenplay comes after the novel and never before.

Realty: This is a rare example of the film being written before the book, Sparks himself getting co-screen credit with Jeff Van Wie. See also LOVE STORY, CASINO and DANCES WITH WOLVES.

Not to be confused with those movie novelisations that were popular in the '80s and '90s – such as ones by titan of the form Dennis Etchison, under the psydenom 'Jack Martin', which included HALLOWEEN II, HALLOWEEN III: SEASON OF THE WITCH and VIDEODROME.

Myth: Not every now-famous Australian actor appeared in either Neighbours or Home and Away.

Reality: True, but there was Margot Robbie, Guy Pearce, Russell Crowe, Radha Mitchell, Alan Dale and Holly Valance (Neighbours); as well as Heath Ledger, Isla Fisher, Melissa George, Julian McMahon, Guy Pearce (again) and Samara Weaving (Home and Away).

As for the Hemsworth boys, their scores are Neighbours: Chris and Luke; both Home and Away and Neighbours: Liam.

Meanwhile, Ms Cyrus is part of a similar trend: former Disney Channel stars. For her Hannah Montana, also see Zendaya (Shake It Up), Hilary Duff (Lizzie McGuire), Demi Lovato (Sonny with a Chance), Selena Gomez (Wizards of Waverly Place), Vanessa Hudgens (High School Musical) and Lord knows how many others.

Suffice it to say, I'd barely ever heard of those shows, never mind sat through an actual episode. But I did use to watch Neighbours every weekday, until graduation and full-time employment made that impractical.

Myth: THE LAST SONG is a pretty by-the-numbers teen romance that passes the time if you like that sort of thing, but is going to be a bit of a slog to get through if you don't.

Reality: Yeah, that's basically spot-on.

Two stars out of five.

Valid use of the word ‘last’?  There is a last song, but it isn't going to be the last one for our troubled teen. Should have gone for that indefinite article, guys.

What would a movie called THE FIRST SONG be about?  "The 'Hurrian Hymn' is the earliest known song to be recorded in writing, dating to around the 13th Century. The text of this hymn is concerned with the promotion of fertility. It refers to the making of offerings and libations to the moon goddess, Nikkal." So says The Institute for the Study of the Ancient World.

 

Previously:  WRONG TURN 6: LAST RESORT

Next time:  LAST CALL

Check out my books:  Jonathanlastauthor.com

WRONG TURN 6: LAST RESORT (2014, Valeri Milev)

 

* * 

A young man inherits a luxury spa in Bulgaria ... I mean, in the rural US somewhere. But upon visiting it with his party-animal friends, he finds trouble worse than your standard probate dispute.

Starring  Anthony Ilott, Chris Jarvis, Aqueela Zoll, Sadie Katz, Roxanne Carrion

Written by  Frank H Woodward  

Produced by  Jeffery Beach, Phillip Roth  

Duration  91 minutes   

   

By the time a film series reaches its sixth entry, the avid franchise-follower can observe certain trends.

Here's one. When that fifth sequel roles around, the saga in question has often got to the point where it wants to comment on itself. FRIDAY THE 13TH PART VI: JASON LIVES, for instance, is a pre-SCREAM commentary on the slasher genre, including making a point out of its series-first move of having actual children at the summer camp. ON HER MAJESTY’S SECRET SERVICE, meanwhile, was the first non-Connery Bond and has one-and-done George Lazenby quip, "This never happened to the other fellow."

Elsewhere, FREDDY’S DEAD: THE FINAL NIGHTMARE includes a Kruger childhood flashback and cameo from Johnny Depp, who made his debut in the original film. More recently, ROCKY BALBOA saw the Italian Stallion reflecting on his legacy, visiting Adrian’s grave, wearing a garish maroon suit jacket while running a pizza restaurant, etc.

Sometimes (OK, usually), the sixth film is considered to be terrible. There's little love out there for HALLOWEEN: THE CURSE OF MICHAEL MYERS or POLICE ACADEMY 6: CITY UNDER SIEGE. On the other hand, STAR TREK VI: THE UNDISCOVERED COUNTRY is a prime example of the ‘even ones good, odd ones bad’ trend for Trek movies (although, hey – I like THE SEARCH FOR SPOCK!). And FAST & FURIOUS 6 is seen as a high watermark, the point where the car saga got comfortable with its international-heisting identity before reaching later levels of space-faring lunacy.

Something else that is likely to happen once a series lurches on this far is that it reboots itself. The WRONG TURN franchise began in 2003 as an out-of-townies-fall-afoul-of-hillbillies shocker, starring former child star Elisha Dushku (TRUE LIES, TV’s Buffy the Vampire Slayer). I’ve seen the original, and remember liking it just fine, although not enough to check out any of its sequels.

It's actually the next and seventh entry of this franchise that was the reboot. This could easily be a sign that part six was so bad that they felt compelled to hit the reset button. But, as ever, I tried to go in with as few expectations as possible. 

On reading this film's subtitle, my first hope was that it would be about wood-dwelling mutant maniacs descending upon a luxury holiday resort, kind of like zombie video game Dead Island. No such luck, sadly, but I must nevertheless admit that WRONG TURN 6 isn’t all that bad ... considering.

We begin with an attractive couple stripping off at a hot spring in the middle of the forest. But it's not just the squirrels and rabbits that are getting a free peep show. Sure enough, we glimpse some of the WRONG TURN movies' signature, um, 'differently appearanced' woods-dwellers, spying among the trees. Soon enough they're shooting arrows through eyeballs and decapitating with barbed wire.

The actual plot, such as it is (which has nothing at all to do with the unfortunate couple from the opening), concerns a young chap who has inherited a big stately home/spa resort from relatives he never knew he had. He's come to check it out for the weekend with his spliff-toking, beer-chugging pals, as well as his girlfriend. It's run by a creepily incestuous brother and sister (I think they’re his cousins?) and his arrival seems to have attracted the attention of the local, er, 'interesting-looking' individuals from that opening sequence, who, it turns out, are in league with the inappropriately familiar siblings. None of them take kindly to the intrusion of outsiders. Uh-oh. Hide the barbed wire.

You don't need me to tell you that this is not a great movie. But more to the point, is it a passable slasher – a genre that I'm partial to, or at least sympathetic towards? Broadly, yes. The kills are all pretty satisfying, and the occasional bursts of violence and nudity do tend to pull one's attention back from phone scrolling. That's about it, but WRONG TURN 6 does manage to clear this admittedly very low bar.

The acting is poor; as you'd expect. The dialogue is unnatural and stilted; that goes with the territory. But what I noticed the most were two things. Firstly, the editing was somehow off: shots cut too soon or too late, resulting in a disorientating sense of space and a jagged rhythm. It didn't seem to be a stylistic choice, unless the style they were going for was 'incompetent'.

Secondly, the accents were equally all over the place. Now, it’s set in America but, like a lot of movies these days (300: RISE OF AN EMPIRE, THE EXPENDABLES, RAMBO: LAST BLOOD, etc) it was shot in Bulgaria to save a few quid … or, um, to make use of the picturesque landscape? More unusual in the case of WRONG TURN 6 is that the director is also Bulgarian: Valeri Milev, of RE-KILL and BULLETS OF JUSTICE ‘fame’. So this time, they probably saved on location scouting, as well.

And possibly casting, too? I can't be sure how many Bulgarians are in the cast, but someone who was definitely putting on a Yank accent, and who I certainly didn't expect to see, was Brit Roxanne Carrion (née Pallett), former Jo Stile (née Sugden) in soap opera Emmerdale. (Actually, she was in LAKE PLACID 3, so maybe I shouldn't have been too surprised.) Carrion is subject to one of WRONG TURN 6’s more gruesome and unpleasant deaths, combining (more) voyeuristic sex, ancient monuments and having her legs ripped from their sockets by robe-wearing pseudo-monks. That never happened on an average night down The Woolpack pub.

Put it this way: WRONG TURN 6 is so-so: definitely more of a CHILDREN OF THE CORN 666: ISAAC'S RETURN than a MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE – FALLOUT. Nuff said.

Two stars out of five.

Valid use of the word ‘last’?  Well, I guess our man isn’t likely to inherit any additional resorts. Although he could always open up a franchise.

What would a movie called WRONG TURN 6: FIRST RESORT be about?  In a situation where you’re surrounded by murderous, arrow-happy cannibals, the first resort is usually to get the fuck out of there. Which, keeping to slasher traditions, many people in this movie plan to do but don’t ever manage.

Previously:  LAST CHRISTMAS

Next time:  THE LAST SONG  

Check out my books:  Jonathanlastauthor.com

LAST CHRISTMAS (2019, Paul Feig)

 

* * 

An underachieving young woman lives an aimless existence, until she meets a tall, dark stranger one December.

Starring  Emilia Clarke, Henry Golding, Michelle Yeoh, Emma Thompson

Written by  Emma Thompson, Bryony Kimmings

Produced by  David Livingstone, Emma Thompson, Paul Feig, Jessie Henderson  

Duration  103 minutes

"Last Christmas, I gave you my heart ..."

Tying your film closely to a song. You've got your two basic ways of doing it.

There's the approach used by LAST CHRISTMAS, commonly known as the STAND BY ME method. That's where you name your film after a well-known, beloved hit. 

If you're really serious, as STAND BY ME director Rob Reiner (RIP) clearly was, you'll play this song over the end credits and even transpose its melody into the musical score. Further examples of this method include PRETTY WOMAN, SWEET HOME ALABAMA, YESTERDAY, MY GIRL, etc. (For the Reiner movie, they wanted to evoke their chosen classic so badly that they even renamed it after adapting it – from Stephen King's story 'The Body', part of his Different Seasons collection.)

Then you've got films for which a song is specially written that ends up taking on a life of its own. A classic case is Berlin's Oscar-winning 'Take My Breath Away' from TOP GUN, which arguably has the greatest soundtrack of the '80s – they released eight singles from it! 

TOP GUN was from the 'popbuster' era, often movies produced by Don Simpson and Jerry Bruckheimer. Other popbusting tunes include Irene Cara – 'What A Feeling' from FLASHDANCE (another winner of the Academy Award for Best Original Song); Maria McKee – 'Show Me Heaven' (DAYS OF THUNDER); and Coolio – 'Gangsta's Paradise' (DANGEROUS MINDS). The belated final nail in the coffin of this trend came in 1998, with Aerosmith's Godawful 'I Don't Want to Miss a Thing' for ARMAGEDDON.

It's worth noting that when this second strategy is employed, the song's title rarely matches the movie's. The only one that comes to mind is Billy Idol's 'Speed' from SPEED. "Speeeed!" implore the lyrics; "Give me what I needed!" they press on. Oh, and THAT THING YOU DO!, but there the original song was actually woven into the story.

For LAST CHRISTMAS, we get an entire soundtrack from one artist, a la THE BODYGUARD or PURPLE RAIN. The difference here is, unlike Whitney Houston or Prince, George Michael had sadly already passed away – three years before and on Christmas Day, no less. LAST CHRISTMAS positions itself as being "inspired by the music of George Michael and Wham!" and its soundtrack features 12 songs from him and three from the pop group he formed.

(The soundtrack lists George's rousing 'Freedom 90', but they missed a trick by not getting Tiesto or Calvin Harris or whoever to mash it together with Wham!'s earlier single 'Freedom' in a tranced-up remix.)

I was curious about the phrase "inspired by" used in the marketing. I knew that LAST CHRISTMAS wasn't an all-out musical (thank God and the baby Jesus), but to what extent would the film's story reflect the choice of songs? And how many of the tunes on the soundtrack would actually be played onscreen – would it be like that "Deluxe Edition" of the TOP GUN LP, which added '80s classics by REO Speedwagon, Mr Mister, Europe, Starship and Jennifer Rush that have nothing to do with the film?

George's 'Heal the Pain' is first out the gate, sung by a church choir, like with Prince's 'When Doves Cry' in Baz Luhrmann's ROMEO + JULIET. It quickly segues into George's rendition on a pub jukebox, and our hapless protagonist Emilia Clarke, nursing a pint, quickly namechecks the man himself. The movie's title song then plays over the opening credits – and does again throughout, in various intentionally terrible cover versions. 

Later, 'Too Funky' punctuates a quickie flashback about a quickie; 'I Want Your Sex' accompanies a frantic oh-shit-I'm-late sequence; 'Wake Me Up (Before You Go-Go)' and the opening of 'Fast Love' ("Gotta get up to get down") are unimaginatively used for scenes when the main character is waking up. There were a few more, but I gave up taking notes. But we did seem to cover all 15 soundtrack choices, or at least it certainly felt like it.

So yeah, it turns out that plot-wise, LAST CHRISTMAS is just a pretty routine romcom, one that sprinkles George's music throughout either randomly or on-the-nosely, all anchored by a game turn by Emilia Clarke. It does throw in a heart-tugging twist at the end, one that does explicitly reference 'Last Christmas' the song, albeit in the clumsiest possible way. (Go back to the opening line of this review, if you want a spoiler.)

In the spirit of Christmas goodwill, I won't be completely negative. For one thing, at least LAST CHRISTMAS is not a typical film from Paul Feig, a terrible director in my opinion. I haven't seen his 2016 GHOSTBUSTERS, although not for the sexist reasons that spread across the internet at the time. It's because I'd tried Feig's first three efforts (BRIDESMAIDS, THE HEAT and SPY) and concluded that he suffers from the same annoying tendencies as his Freaks and Geeks alumni, Judd Apatow (although F&G was a good show, for what it's worth).

By this I mean every joke is milked to death, with actors allowed to improv scenes to the extent that they feel hours long. Many of those scenes desperately try to mine humour from characters hurling insults at each other, often of the "you're like a [insert famous person] version of [insert another famous person]" variety. There is a reluctance to use the editorial scissors running through both Feig's and Apatow's work; I myself have never seen the need for a comedy to last 2-plus hours, unless it's THE BLUES BROTHERS fitting in all its musical numbers and cameos, or BEAU IS AFRAID, where being a relentless endurance test is part of the point.

Another tick LAST CHRISTMAS gets from me is for being a British made and/or set romcom where, in Clarke, they actually cast a British lead actress. There's a weird trend in the genre where it seems like Hollywood doesn’t have any faith in our native ladies to capture hearts, and so they instead cast a hot young American – sometimes playing American, sometimes imitating a Brit. 

I'm talking about FOUR WEDDINGS AND A FUNERAL (Andie MacDowell), NOTTING HILL (Julia Roberts), BRIDGET JONES'S DIARY (Renne Zellweger – London accent not bad), ABOUT TIME (Rachel McAdams – actually Canadian, but close enough) ... And sometimes Richard Curtis isn't even involved, like with WIMBLEDON (Kirsten Dunst) or MAN UP (Lake Bell) or ONE DAY (Anne Hathaway – Yorkshire accent awful) or SLIDING DOORS (Gwyneth Paltrow – London accent passable) or SHAKESPEARE IN LOVE (Paltrow again – London accent passable, for the 16th Century) or A LIFE LESS ORDINARY (Cameron Diaz).

Oh, and final props to LAST CHRISTMAS for setting its opening in Brixton, South London. We swiftly switch to the more movie-conventional Covent Garden/Oxford Street/etc for the duration, but I appreciate the effort for geographical diversity in the Capital, however fleeting.

Two stars out of five.

Valid use of the word ‘last’?  Since the whole thing takes place in the present, I'm gonna give it a 'no' in this case.

What would a movie called FIRST CHRISTMAS be about?  Clarke would be playing Mary. A character who had far fewer one-night stands, that's for sure.

Previously:  AND WHEN DID YOU LAST SEE YOUR FATHER?

Next time:  WRONG TURN 6: LAST RESORT

Check out my books:  Jonathanlastauthor.com

AND WHEN DID YOU LAST SEE YOUR FATHER? (2007, Anand Tucker)

 * * * 

A writer reflects on growing up with his domineering, now-dying father.

Starring  Jim Broadbent, Colin Firth, Juliet Stevenson

Written by  David Nicholls

Produced by  Elizabeth Karlsen, Stephen Woolley

Duration  92 minutes

From the dawn of artistic expression, stories have dealt with Daddy Issues. Ancient Greek tragedian Sophocles threw patricide into Oedipus Rex; Hamlet’s dad came back from the grave to kick off the whole revenge plot; Henrik Ibsen explored 'the sins of the fathers' in his play Ghosts.

And movies dealing with angst toward a male parent or authority figure are too numerous to count. Just off the top of my head: TOP GUN, THE ROYAL TENENBAUMS, THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK, ON THE ROCKS, GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY, BEGINNERS, THE SAVAGES, THE FATHER, BLAME IT ON RIO, THIS BOY’S LIFE, THE SHINING, AD ASTRA, INTERSTELLAR, SOMEWHERE, ABOUT A BOY, BEAUTIFUL BOY, KRAMER VS KRAMER, NEBRASKA, THERE WILL BE BLOOD… (OK, some of those weren’t off the top of my head; Google was invented for a reason, people.)

Most of the above focus on the child coming to terms with living up to the expectations/reputation of the pater familias. But here are some rarely (if ever) explored twists on the topic that I for one would like to see:

– The father struggles to emulate the child, whose success has overtaken his own.

– The child is more interested in emulating their mother, much to their father's chagrin.

– The child suffers an existential crisis when they realise that they actually have no desire to emulate their father at all.

– The child finds out that their famous father is in fact a fake, but ironically the intricacy of the deception makes the child start respecting him for the first time.

– Excessively focusing on their intergenerational strife distracts the parent and child so much that neither achieves anything in life and they both die miserable.

AND WHEN DID YOU LAST SEE YOUR FATHER?, meanwhile, goes for the old 'we've always had a complicated relationship, Dad, but because you're nearing death now we’re finally incentivised to reconcile' angle.

As the father of the title, Jim Broadbent is established in Firth's sepia-tinted childhood flashbacks as a blagger, grifting his way into a horse track's members' enclosure on a family outing. He's a self-important, pompous blowhard – not a typical role for the usually cuddly Broadbent, more reminiscent of his earlier work as cocky bent copper Roy Slater in the sitcom Only Fools and Horses. Despite the man's flaws, the juvenile Firth idolises his dad, opining in voiceover "My father was a hero ... I thought he'd live forever."

Back in the present ('London, 1989'), adult Firth is a writer, accepting a literary prize at a lavish ceremony. "Two words are all I'd like: 'well' and 'done'," he laments to his wife, while holding the award flimsily and looking forlornly across at his old man, who is going around the posh do quaffing free booze and drawing attention away from his son.

Then: the bad news that we all knew was coming. The doctor who delivers it has a bedside manner that's ham-fisted to the point of being humorous, like the scene is a relic from an earlier draft when this was a comedy. "Your father's going to die," he blurts out. "Of course, we all die sooner or later - but in his case, it's going to be sooner rather than later." It's not even as if he's a bumbling intern or anything.

From frame one, WHEN DID YOU LAST feels like it must have been based on a book ... which it was, but it's a little more complicated than that. When I saw David Nicholls’ name among the writers' credits on IMDb, I assumed that this was adapted from one of his weepy novels (like One Day or Us) – but actually he was the one doing the adapting. Turns out Firth is playing real-life poet Blake Morrison, and Nicholls fashioned a screenplay out of Morrison's memoirs. 

I'd never heard of Blake Morrison, since my knowledge of his chosen medium pretty much begins and ends with doing Carol Ann Duffy poems at school. I also remember the odd random line from other people's work, like "pick a corner in that charnel house" (turns out that was 'Vultures' by Chinua Achebe) and a dying mouse that "curls in agony big as itself" (Gillian Clarke – 'The Field Mouse'). Anyway, while I respect poetry, I've come to accept that it's one of those things I just don't get on with – like rugby, or watermelon... or musicals.

Anyway, following Dad's diagnosis, the film's structure settles into switching back and forth between yet more soft-focus flashbacks to an idyllic childhood (possibly apocryphal?), then back to Firth in the present trying to have serious chats with the ailing Broadbent, who is a reluctant communicator at the best of times. The past bits get more interesting when they move on to Morrison as a teenager, circa 1962 – as signified by the Cuban Missile Crisis being all over the radio. His memories of those times alone with his father include rain-sodden camping trips, driving lessons in a vintage Alvis convertible on a deserted beach, and Dad regularly calling him 'fat-head'. Oh, and he remembers suspecting the notorious Lothario of having an affair, or affairs plural, possibly even siring bastard offspring.

WHEN DID YOU LAST is professionally done and classily played - maybe a bit too classy, to be honest. The whole thing is all rather nice, in a Sunday-afternoon tea-time kind of way, albeit with a little bit of sex and the odd F-word thrown in.

Nonetheless, when the inevitable tear-jerking ending arrives and Morrison completes his journey to accepting his dad as a flawed but ultimately caring man, it does feel earned. I've only ever cried twice at movies (the blindly crawling around fruitlessly ending of THE KILLER [1989] and Sarah Conner finally telling John that she loves him in TERMINATOR 2), but this came close to being number three. Good show, fat-heads.

Three stars out of five.



Valid use of the word ‘last’? Yes, this last time is pretty definitive. 

What would a movie called AND WHEN DID YOU FIRST SEE YOUR FATHER? be about?  These days, usually he comes into view immediately after the doctor. In times gone by, he would have been nowhere near the maternity ward, instead camped down the pub anxiously awaiting a phone call.

Previously:  THE TOXIC AVENGER PART III: THE LAST TEMPTATION OF TOXIE

Next time:  LAST CHRISTMAS

Check out my books:  Jonathanlastauthor.com

THE TOXIC AVENGER PART III: THE LAST TEMPTATION OF TOXIE (1989, Lloyd Kaufman, Michael Herz)

 

* 

New Jersey-based superhero Toxie gets a day job to pay for his blind girlfriend’s eye-surgery. Unfortunately, his boss turns out to be the Devil and, worse still, Toxie becomes a yuppie.

Starring  Ron Fazio, Phoebe Legere, John Altamura, Rick Collins, Lisa Gaye

Written by  Lloyd Kaufman, Michael Herz

Produced by  Lloyd Kaufman, Michael Herz

Duration  102 minutes  

   

I’m a completist. When it comes to films, I want to see them all. Not all all – I wish! No, I’m talking about completing a set.

A film series is, I would say, a quite common completism goal. All the Bonds; all the Marvels (shudder); all the wars that take place among the stars. And doing an actor could still be considered a sane and reasonable pursuit.

What I’m talking about for myself is the next level: directors.

Now, some have been easy for me to tick off, owing to their limited output. James Cameron has only just reached nine with that Avatar sequel, with (shudder again) more of those things in the pipeline. Kubrick did a still-low 13, including that early, terrible one, FEAR AND DESIRE. Hitchcock was much more prolific; I didn’t count his hard-to-find early British ones, including the silent-era, and started instead at THE MAN WHO KNEW TOO MUCH (1934), which still meant a count of 37. Worth it.

Elsewhere, some directors have been easy to chalk off film by film, since they only got going in the '90s: David O Russell, Darren Aronofsky, Paul Thomas Anderson, Danny Boyle, Tarantino. Some of the older ones I've kept up to date with while also exploring their back catalogues: Scorsese, Cronenberg, Carpenter. Certain directors who had seemed retired can surprise you with a new picture out of nowhere, like Adrian Lyne with DEEP WATER or Michael Mann's FERRARI (I haven't yet braved Francis Coppola's MEGALOPOLIS). A couple of definitely out-of-commission veterans who I’d really love to complete, but whose mammoth outputs intimidate me, are Robert Altman (35 films) and Sidney Lumet (41).

One name I’ve never been tempted to add to my list of completed directors is Lloyd Kaufman’s. To do so would mean watching the majority of Troma’s output, the studio he co-founded with Michael Hertz. Not something I would recommend to anyone, if you want to remain in possession of your marbles.

If you’ve never heard of Troma, here is a sample of their titles: SURF NAZIS MUST DIE; FORTRESS OF AMERIKKKA; BLOODBATH IN PSYCHO TOWN; VIEWER DISCRETION ADVISED; CLASS OF NUKE ‘EM HIGH; DUMPSTER BABY; A NYMPHOID BARBARIAN IN DINOSAUR HELL. Troma specialises in shock (or 'schlock'); in pushing the boundaries of taste when it comes to sex, violence, gore, targeting minorities and poking at sensitive topics.

Here's the problem: when a movie thinks that it's great but is actually terrible, it can achieve a fascinating level of outsider art and be enjoyed in a so-bad-it’s-good manner. Think THE ROOM or TROLL 2. If a work is intentionally terrible, it’s usually painfully self-conscious, desperate to please and difficult to watch – in other words, anti-entertainment. Troma doesn’t push boundaries to make any kind of artistic point. Kaufman and his cronies just want to see what they can get away with. Most of the time the result is mind-numbingly dull.

But on rare occasions, Troma shits out a diamond. TROMEO AND JULIET is one, a spirited and anarchic take on the material that boasts a script by future DC Studios CEO James Gunn – as well as by being a loose adaptation of, you know, William Shakespeare.

And another jewel in Troma's crown is THE TOXIC AVENGER (1984).

An introduction to future Troma mascot ‘Toxie’ (later transposed to kiddie cartoon The Toxic Crusaders), the movie applies Troma’s sensibility to something that actually works – in a lowest-common-denominator kind of way. It’s essentially a superhero origin story, in which put-upon health club janitor Melvin falls into an open barrel of toxic waste in a prank gone wrong, mutating into a mop-wielding, hyper-violent version of Sloth from THE GOONIES. Rather than return to cleaning toilets and wiping sweaty pull-down bars, Melvin/Toxie instead starts fighting crime and corruption in his hometown of Tromaville, New Jersey.

One of my friends used to own THE TOXIC AVENGER on VHS and it was regular viewing for a gang of us over beers and pizza. A recent rewatch confirmed that the movie still holds up today, and when I noticed that part three qualifies for this blog, I decided to dive into the whole series.

And the sequels start promisingly with THE TOXIC AVENGER: PART II. In it, Toxie travels to Japan to search for his father, only to find when he returns to Jersey that he was tricked into this quest by the nefarious Apocalypse Inc, a chemical company/crime syndicate who have now overrun Tromaville. Offensive Asian stereotypes notwithstanding, TOXIE II is quite fun.

The same, however, can’t be said about number three here, THE LAST TEMPTATION. It’s a film that literally shouldn't exist, being that it was cobbled together from unused TOXIE II footage when Kaufman wanted to make a quick sale to foreign investors (there’s that artistic integrity again). 

Meandering, laugh-free and surprisingly tame, TOXIE III is as lazy as you would expect for a project with the sole purpose of making it to feature length. It's not dissimilar to those sequels that are green-lighted purely to retain IP, such as HELLRAISER: REVELATIONS or that FANTASTIC FOUR from 1994 (recipient of the greatest trailer ever). The movie really doesn't warrant any further scrutiny.

I am glad, however, that I hung in there for part four (subtitle: CITIZEN TOXIE), as it's a definite upturn. The film counters the timidity of LAST TEMPTATION with a tastelessness that is almost admirable, including the series’s most gloriously OTT fight scene during its hospital-set third act. For the denouement, Toxie’s girlfriend gives birth to twins, one good one evil, who we just saw fighting in her womb MORTAL KOMBAT-style. TOXIE IV actually comes close to recapturing the hell-for-leather charm of the original.

So yes, I am now a TOXIC AVENGER completist; one step closer to a worthwhile existence, I'm sure you'll agree. Or at least I will be, once the remake is out: it still doesn't have a release date, despite debuting at Spain's Stiges Film Festival in October 2023.

One star out of five.

Valid use of the word ‘last’?  Nope. But as I say, despite starring Peter Dinklage (as Toxie), Jacob Tremblay and Kevin Bacon, the remake is currently caught in some kind of distribution limbo.

What would a movie called THE FIRST TEMPTATION OF TOXIE be about?  That's actually a pretty accurate description of the original film. Its catalytic event was poor Melvin being subjected to an insincere promise of sex from a duplicitous gym bunny, which inadvertently led to the whole toxic-waste-mutation ordeal.

Previously:  THE LAST AMERICAN VIRGIN

Next time:  AND WHEN DID YOU LAST SEE YOUR FATHER? 

Check out my books:  Jonathanlastauthor.com

THE LAST AMERICAN VIRGIN (1982, Boaz Davidson)

 

* * * * 

Three horny teenage boys pursue girls in suburban Los Angeles.

Starring  Lawrence Monoson, Diane Franklin, Steve Antin, Joe Rubbo, Louisa Moritz

Written by  Boaz Davidson   

Produced by  Yoram Globus, Menahem Golan, David Womark   

Duration  92 minutes   

 

PORKY'S. REVENGE OF THE NERDS. SCREWBALLS. LOSIN’ IT. HARDBODIES. SPRING BREAK. THE LAST AMERICAN VIRGIN.

One of these 1980s teen sex romps is not like the others.

Despite coming from the less-than-reputable Canon Films – known for such dubious output as SUPERMAN IV: THE QUEST FOR PEACE and MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE, as well as for igniting/prolonging the careers of Jean-Claude Van Damme, Chuck Norris, and Charles Bronson – THE LAST AMERICAN VIRGIN turns out to be a pleasant surprise. It’s not what I expected at all; well, it does have everything I expected in it, but also a lot more besides, making it unique among its peers.

It doesn't stand out just because its director, Boaz Davidson, took the uncommon step of remaking his own film: AMERICAN VIRGIN is a US-based version the Israeli LEMON POPSICLE. Other members of this exclusive self-remaking club include Alfred Hitchcock (THE MAN WHO KNEW TOO MUCH, 1934/1956), Michael Haneke (FUNNY GAMES, 1997/2007), John Woo (THE KILLER, 1989/2024) and Michael Mann (kind of – he expanded his 1989 TV movie LA TAKEDOWN into HEAT in 1995).

AMERICAN VIRGIN isn't notable for having a cast who went onto bigger things, either. There's only Kimmy Robertson, years before portraying dim-witted secretary Lucy Moran on Twin Peaks, and Diane Franklin, who would go on to feature in BETTER OFF DEAD and BILL & TED'S EXCELLENT ADVENTURE. Probably the biggest up-and-comer is found on the other side of the camera. The film looks unexpectedly great, due to being lensed by Adam Greenberg, the cinematographer who had ALIEN NATION, GHOST, NEAR DARK and both of James Cameron’s TERMINATOR movies in his future.

It also doesn't stand out in terms of plot. It's a pretty loose affair, mostly tying together a series of misadventures – at first comical, then more serious. The sensitive nice guy from three best buddies is infatuated with a new girl at school, but his more studly and less ethical mate gets in with her first. Meanwhile, their other, chubbier pal wears sunglasses indoors, talks about ‘partying’ a lot and provides frequent plus-sized comic relief.

So, while it may not be distinctive for any of those reasons, let me give you a flavour of what the cinematic artifact named THE LAST AMERICAN VIRGIN is.

It’s luring some girls you just met in a diner back to your parent-free house with the promise of Class-A drugs, then surreptitiously racking up lines of Sweet N Low on a mirror – which they gleefully snort, declaring "This is the best Columbian we’ve ever had!"

It’s strutting into a party with your collar up and your hair slicked back, tearing open a pack of Marlboro Reds and swigging Jack Daniels straight from the bottle. Then when you return home and drunkenly interrupt your parents' sophisticated dinner party, you try to seduce the most stern-looking matriarch in attendance before collapsing onto the dining table, sending plates and drinks flying.

It’s delivering a pizza to a nymphomaniac cougar, and then returning to her apartment again with your two mates in tow so you can take turns having sex with her, peeking in on each other through the keyhole. And when her husband comes home, he totally buys her explanation that there are half-naked teenagers in the house because she was "giving them Spanish lessons."

It’s parking on the beach so you can furiously make out in the back seat of a convertible and kicking the handbrake off in the throes of passion, and then being so preoccupied that you don't even notice the car's rolled into the surf and you’re drenched with sea water.

It’s catching the nerdiest guy in gym class spying on girls showering through a peephole (a la PORKY’S) and, when he claims to possess the largest penis in school, deciding to line up all your schoolmates and measure their erections one by one with a ruler. And it turns out the nerd was right.

It’s hiring LA’s least sympathetic prostitute so you can lose your virginity, and then feeling worse after the deed is done than you did before – and not just because of the resultant STD.

It’s also practically a music video montage with a movie in between, years before MTV. And the early ’80s soundtrack is stellar, not to be beaten until the video game GTA: Vice City, with which it shares some songs. 

Among others, the track list includes:

‘De Do Do Do, De Da Da Da’ – The Police

‘Whip It’ – Devo

‘Better Luck Next Time’ – Oingo Boingo

‘In the Flesh’ – Blondie

‘Oh No’ – The Commodores

‘Open Arms’ – Journey

‘Keep on Loving You’ – REO Speedwagon

‘Love Action’ – The Human League

‘Shake It Up’ – The Cars

‘I Will Follow’ – U2

 

But also, and ultimately, it turns out to be a lot more soulful and earnest than the raunchy tone, bawdy dialogue and excessive nudity of its early stretch suggests. Two thirds through there's a plot development similar to that in 1982’s FAST TIMES AT RIDGEMONT HIGH, another movie that rises above genre trappings: sensitively handled unwanted teenage pregnancy.

So, yeah. We like these kids. We don’t judge them for being young and led by their impulses. We end up invested in their dodgy decisions and flawed but ultimately well-meaning pursuits. 

And the movie has one of the all-time gut-punch endings of the ’80s, maybe even up there with the decade’s ultimate downer denouement from David Cronenberg’s THE FLY.

I can’t believe I’m going to give THE LAST AMERICAN VIRGIN this rating, but ... yep, there you go.

Four stars out of five.

Valid use of the word ‘last’?  The original LEMON POPSICLE spawned eight sequels in its native Isreal, so although this movie had no follow-ups (and yet we got four installments of both PORKY’S and REVENGE OF THE NERDS!), there were plenty more virgins left out there.

What would a movie called THE FIRST AMERICAN VIRGIN be about?  Maybe a teen sex romp mashed-up with 1492: CONQUEST OF PARADISE?

Previously:  LAST TANGO IN PARIS

Next time:  THE TOXIC AVENGER PART III: THE LAST TEMPTATION OF TOXIE 

Check out my books:  Jonathanlastauthor.com