* *
He’s bald, he speaks in a gruff voice and he hunts witches – lots and lots of witches.
Starring Vin Diesel, Elijah Wood, Rose Leslie, Julie Engelbrecht, Michael Caine
Written by Cory Goodman, Matt Sazama, Burk Sharpless
Produced by Mark Canton, Vin Diesel, Bernie Goldmann
Duration 106 minutes
All actors want franchises. Why wouldn’t they? Guaranteed work for multiple years, maybe decades. And you don’t have to only star in your franchise pictures; they may have some contractual hold over you, but you needn't see them as anything more than regular work to support other, more satisfying roles.
They can become a burden, if you’re associated too closely with the character you play. It’s what happened to Sean Connery with Bond, when he vowed to "never" return and then did, twice (hence the non-Eon film being named NEVER SAY NEVER AGAIN). He wanted to branch out beyond 007 and did a lot of impressive work during the ’60s and ’70s, especially for Sidney Lumet, but arguably never broke free of the tux and the Martinis.
Vin Diesel currently has one of the biggest franchises going: THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS, which started in 2001 as a POINT BREAK remake with Vin as Patrick Swayze, decidedly quaint origins when you consider what the series went on to become. But a year earlier, he’d actually already birthed another: effective little sci-fi horror PITCH BLACK. And then, in 2002, Vin starred in xXx, a franchise he appeared to abandon after handing the reigns over to Ice Cube for the first sequel, only to return later. Just like he did with the FAST saga, except that time he sat out both numbers two and three.
We can, therefore, conclude from all this that Vin Diesel has a complicated relationship with franchise filmmaking. First, he wants them, he really wants them: three is a lot for any actor. But at the same time, he also resents them – hence the hasty abandonments. And yet, their draw is so strong that he will always return to them down the line.
Alright, I know what you’re thinking. How could Vin know that TFATF and PITCH BLACK would become franchises? He couldn’t, I’ll grant you that. But come on: xXx is 100% Mr Diesel wanting to be Bond (an ‘extreme’ Bond, no less), and by the time it came out, Vin was an above-the-title star, capable of turning anything he wanted into a franchise. (OK, maybe not THE PACIFIER.)
Now, three franchises might be a lot, but four? What does that tell you? Because when THE LAST WITCH HUNTER came into our lives in 2015, Vin was definitely going for a hat-trick-plus-one ( ... I don’t think there’s a name for that).
But here’s a question. What happens when you make a franchise starter that doesn’t catch on? If a movie whose only purpose is to give birth to more movies fails in its entire reason for being?
THE LAST WITCH HUNTER is what happens. You end up with something that is exposition-heavy and introduces far too many characters; a film that dives deep into its convoluted lore and lumbers on towards an inconclusive conclusion. But that's OK! It’s all set up now for a breezy sequel, with all of the worldbuilding out the way. Except... oops, sorry, we’ve just seen the box office receipts. Green light turns to red.
With a surer hand behind the camera, it might have been so different; no one can guarantee success, but you can give yourself a better chance. Whether they admit it or not, all modern action stars want to be Arnie or Sly – Vin included. But he’s failed to learn one crucial lesson from the legends of the genre: those two had the moxie and the self-assurance to work with significant directors with strong personalities.
For Schwarzenegger, it was the likes of John Milius, James Cameron, Mark L Lester, John McTiernan, Walter Hill, Paul Verhoeven and Peter Hyams. Stallone’s roster included Norman Jewison, John Huston, John Flynn, Renny Harlin, Richard Donner, James Mangold... and, er, himself. Even Bruce Willis did the same thing: McTiernan (again), Harlin (again), Brian De Palma, Tony Scott, Quentin Tarantino, Hill (again), Luc Besson, Donner (again).
But our Vin only seems to work with journeymen – Rob Cohen, F Gary Gray, David Twohy, Justin Lin, James Wan, Louis Leterriot – men who he can presumably order around. And how many genuinely excellent movies has he made with that lot?
(Dwayne Johnson, Vin’s contemporary, is even worse, seemingly unable to sign on for a movie unless it’s directed by one of his mates: Jaume Collet-Serra, Rawdon Marshall Thurber or Brad Peyton.)
It could be surmised that old Vin is desperate to be the biggest personality on set. But this means he’s a long way from getting a TERMINATOR or a TOTAL RECALL or a CLIFFHANGER – or even an ASSASSINS or a LOCK UP or a RED HEAT. (Excepting that some of the FAST movies are a lot of fun.)
When you resort to someone like Breck Eisner, you get THE LAST WITCH HUNTER. Did Vin really think he could start franchise #4 with the man responsible for Matthew McConaughey flop SAHARA and the weak remake of Romero's THE CRAZIES?
Put it this way, by the end of this movie, I was almost hoping for Aidan Quinn to turn up and thus set himself up for a trilogy of witch-based movies.
After all, everyone loves a franchise, right?
Two stars out of five.
Valid use of the
word ‘last’? If it’s Vinny D, then you know that he’s
going to be the first, the last, the everything.
What would a movie called THE FIRST WITCH HUNTER be about?
Probably whoever Daniel Day-Lewis played in that 1996 adaptation of Arthur
Miller’s The Crucible.
Previously: THE LAST EXPERIMENT
Next time: LAST MAN STANDING
Check out my books: Jonathanlastauthor.com
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