THE LAST SAMURAI (2003, Edward Zwick)

 

* * * 

After he is captured in battle, an American soldier starts to quite dig the Samurai culture that he’s supposed to be obliterating.

Starring  Tom Cruise, Ken Watanabe, Billy Connolly, Tony Goldwyn, Timothy Spall, Hiroyuki Sanada

Written by  John Logan, Edward Zwick, Marshall Herskovitz

Produced by  Marshall Herskovitz, Edward Zwick, Tom Cruise, Paula Wagner

Duration  154 minutes

  

 

You know, you try to judge a film on its own merits. Not everything must aspire to be great art, or follow a familiar narrative path, or be blazingly original. As Robert De Niro tells a baffled John Cazale in THE DEER HUNTER, "This is this."

But when sitting down to watch THE LAST SAMURAI, I couldn’t blank out one thought that ran through my mind on repeat: "How much will it resemble DANCES WITH WOLVES?"

First, let’s talk about Tom Cruise. I like Tom Cruise. By that, I mean I like his contribution to cinema and his place in its history. I’m not interested in him personally and wouldn’t deign to focus on gossip and hearsay – he can believe in what he wants and be as eccentric on as many talk shows as he wishes. (I will say that he’s supposed to be generous and professional on set, and I've heard this first-hand: a plasterer friend of mine worked on 2017’s THE MUMMY at Shepperton Studios).

No, what I'm going on about is what Cruise represents. He is really the last of the old-school movie stars. Despite entering his 60s, he’s not fading away (his top grossing movies are 2022’s TOP GUN: MAVERICK and MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE FALLOUT from 2018) and he remains a leading man, rather than making the late-career switch to character actor or villain, as many do.

And by ‘old-school’, I mean big in the late ’80s and into the ’90s, the period when the star was still everything. Kevin Costner? TV actor now; ditto Harrison Ford, despite reaching for Indy’s fedora one last time (in what turned out to be a pretty limp and desperate move). Mel Gibson? Reputation forever tarnished it seems; I suppose the jury’s still out on Will Smith.

Bruce Willis has retired for health reasons. Arnie? Stallone? Eddie Murphy? Jim Carrey? I guess Tom Hanks is up there too, but he hasn’t starred in any ‘last’ films, so I won’t dwell on him. From the ladies, you’ve really only got Julia Roberts and Sandra Bullock; you could make cases for Meryl Streep and Nicole Kidman, too.

But despite my fondness for The Cruiser, his mega-wattage presence added an additional distraction to a critical analysis of THE LAST SAMURAI, morphing the abovementioned nagging question into "How much is it Tom Cruise trying to do DANCES WITH WOLVES?" – and even as far as ‘Did Cruise do this movie because one day he was pondering, “Hmm, if Kevin Costner can be a white saviour to America’s indigenous people, can I pull it off for the samurai in Japan?”’

OK, onto the film itself.

It’s the 1870s. Cruise enters the picture drunk, bloodshot and disillusioned. He’s a war hero, reduced to pantomiming his exploits on stage to flog Winchester rifles and working for the reliably slimy William Atherton (Walter ‘It’s true, this man has no penis’ Peck in GHOSTBUSTERS and Dick "Did ya get that?" Thornburg in DIE HARD).

He’s soon tapped up by government-types for a gig in Japan, where he’ll get the chance to pal around with Timothy Spall and Billy Connolly while training up some Japanese ‘savages’ in the art of warfare – the idea being that they’ll then be better equipped to defeat some rebels, a group of samurai who are not too keen on their new emperor. Eager for more beer money, Cruise accepts, and is soon showing villagers that you've really gotta lean in with the stock against your shoulder, and how to reload with that stick thing they used to have to poke down the muzzle.

That is, until he’s captured by Ken Watanabe’s samurais in a one-sided battle. For a while, Cruise is your regular disheartened POW, spending his days supplementing his alcoholism with sake and having even more PTSD battle-flashbacks than usual. But, in time, he starts to respect the samurai culture and gains their trust, eventually training in their ways and buddying up with Watanabe.

So, the samurai are the good guys of this story. But who could the genuine enemy be, if it’s not the American intruder or the emperor-supporters he was training up? Only Goddamn ninjas, that's who! And it's when defending his new pals against a night-time raid that The Cruiser really ingratiate himself – and starts to get real close to Watanabe’s sister.

If you’re familiar with the plot beats of DANCES WITH WOLVES, then it might sound like my fears were well founded. But, in fact, THE LAST SAMURAI is really a kind of inverted version of the 1990 Best Picture winner. The white boy doesn’t really change or ‘save’ anyone; rather it’s them who make the profound difference to his life. The title doesn’t even refer to Cruise, but to Watanabe – like if the Costner movie had instead been called KICKING BIRD, after Graham Greene’s Sioux elder.

So, all in all, a pleasant surprise. And the film holds up, in no small part due to Mr Reliable in the lead.

Something else surprised me about the movie, only this time in a not-good way: I wasn’t too keen on the Hans Zimmer score. It’s a bit of a generic regurgitation of better themes from his THE THIN RED LINE, GLADIATOR, BLACK HAWK DOWN era, only with a few Japanese flute noises thrown in.

I’d’ve much preferred it if he’d just trotted out some of his old cues from BLACK RAIN instead, maybe with those flutes replacing the ’80s synths. Ah, well.

Three stars out of five.

 

Valid use of the word ‘last’?  See review. They probably should have put the subtitle ‘By the way, it’s not the bloke on the poster’.

What would a movie called THE FIRST SAMURAI be about?  Hopefully it would be based on the side-scrolling Amiga-era slash-em-up platformer of the same name. I like to imagine Ed Zwick hiding in his trailer and playing it non-stop on the LEGENDS OF THE FALL set when he’s supposed to be prepping a scene or whatever, doing his own ‘swish-swish’ sword noises and fantasising about making his own samurai epic one day.

Previously:  THE LAST HURRAH

Next time:  X-MEN: THE LAST STAND 

Check out my books:  Jonathanlastauthor.com

THE LAST HURRAH (1958, John Ford)

 

* * * 

The veteran mayor of a New England city embarks upon one last no-holds-barred mayoral campaign, using whatever means necessary to win once again.   

Starring  Spencer Tracy, Jeffrey Hunter, Dianne Foster, Pat O’Brien, Basil Rathbone

Written by  Frank S Nugent   

Produced by  John Ford

Duration  121 minutes   

   

 

Sick Boy: "It's certainly a phenomenon in all walks of life."

Mark Renton: "What do you mean?"

Sick Boy: "Well, at one time, you’ve got it, and then you lose it, and it’s gone forever."

Mark Renton: "So we all get old and then we can’t hack it anymore. Is that it? That’s your theory?"

Sick Boy: "Yeah."

 

That exchange is from mainline-chasing slice of Edinburgh wit TRAINSPOTTING. Now, it’s been a while since I read the book, but I’m pretty sure this dialogue was invented for the film by screenwriter John Hodge (in one of the greatest ever novel to film adaptations), just like Sick Boy’s Sean Connery fixation.

That means it would have been shortly after the film’s release in 1996 that Quentin Tarantino heard these words – and you can be certain that he did go and see TRAINSPOTTING, cinephile that he is. This would have been during the lull after the one-two punch of RESERVOIR DOGS and PULP FICTION, when QT was escaping into his Elmore Leonard back catalogue, trying to drown out his increasing anxiety that having avoided a sophomore slump, surely he wouldn't be so lucky with his third film ( ... a senior slump?)

It wasn’t until 2012 during press for DJANGO UNCHAINED that Quentin revealed that he intends to only direct 10 films, clarifying subsequently "I like the idea of leaving them wanting a bit more... I want to go out while I’m still hard."

So I’m certain that the Tennessee native would have nodded along with Sick Boy’s claims while he sat there watching the quirky little British movie everyone was talking about. But I’m equally sure that the writer-director already had a list of directors whose careers he wanted to emulate – but whose finales he wished to avoid.

Was he thinking of Sam Peckinpah? CONVOY had been a paycheque job, and though a successful one, it was hardly THE WILD BUNCH. But THE OSTERMAN WEEKEND was just a total mess and an embarrassing note to go out on. Or how about Billy Wilder? Did the legend who made DOUBLE INDEMNITY, THE LOST WEEKEND, SUNSET BOULEVARD, ACE IN THE HOLE, STALAG 17, SOME LIKE IT HOT and THE APARTMENT really limp to the finish line with THE FRONT PAGE, FEDORA and BUDDY BUDDY?

Or maybe, just maybe, Tarantino was thinking of John Ford.

THE LAST HURRAH was not Ford’s final credit. But it’s widely seen as the start of his career descent, having peaked with THE SEARCHERS in 1956 and with nowhere left to go from there but down. There would not be another MY DARLING CLEMANTINE or THE GRAPES OF WRATH or RIO GRANDE, with only 1962’s THE MAN WHO SHOT LIBERTY VALANCE considered on par with his past glories.

Was Ford pondering issues of being over the hill when he took the job? Because the plot would bear this out, being that it concerns a veteran in his field trying to stay relevant and keep at the top of his game.

(Ford has a producer credit on LAST HURRAH, too – the only producer credit, there aren't even any of those amorphous ‘executive-’ or ‘associate-’ or ‘co-’ ones. When a director does this, does it mean that he cares more about the project? Obviously, that’s the case if he wrote the script, but surely producing is a sign that it's more than a job for hire – otherwise, wouldn’t all that extra work be far too much hassle?)

There are distinctly CITIZEN KANE vibes early doors, with Spencer Tracy playing an elected figure introduced to much fanfare and newspaper headlines. In fact, Orson Welles was reportedly considered for the character but never got back to Ford in time. But it’s just as well, since Tracy owns the role. All I knew about him going in was that he won two Oscars in a row (a feat not repeated until Tom Hanks in the ’90s) and that he was romantically involved with Katharine Hepburn. But now I recognise him as absolutely more than just the answer to a trivia question.

Here, he essays the part of the curmudgeonly but charming mayor with gusto, and although I wouldn’t say that I was on the edge of my seat throughout all the political dealings and manoeuvrings (it’s kind of like a proto-House of Cards), not only was Tracy clearly fully committed to the cause – like Ford, he was in the twilight of his career – but his director showed that he still had a steady hand and masterful control over the material.

And this after Ford had more than 100 films under his belt (counting several early ‘lost’ efforts)! I guess they made ’em outta sterner stuff back then; nevertheless, if THE LAST HURRAH is anything to go by, QT may be wide of the mark in worrying that his prowess behind the camera will inevitably fade once his output reaches double digits. 

Bring on the 40-years-later legacy sequel to RESERVOIR DOGS in 2032, I say!

Three stars out of five.

Valid use of the word ‘last’?  Any film where the protagonist dies at the end (oh – spoiler alert, I guess) can be classed as pretty definitive.

What would a movie called THE FIRST HURRAH be about?  A much more youthful Tracy, galivanting around in an open-top car, possibly with Katharine on his arm wearing one of those Jackie O headscarves (she, not he).

Previously:  THE LAST OF THE MOHICANS

Next time:  THE LAST SAMURAI

Check out my books:  Jonathanlastauthor.com

THE LAST OF THE MOHICANS (1992, Michael Mann)

 

* * * 

In 1757, a white man brought up by the Mohican Native American tribe tracks down a British colonel’s kidnapped daughters.

Starring  Daniel Day-Lewis, Madeleine Stowe, Wes Studi, Pete Postlethwaite, Jared Harris

Written by  Michael Mann, Christopher Crowe

Produced by  Michael Mann, Hunt Lowry

Duration  112 minutes

Authenticity. That’s the most important thing in art, right?

Some people seem to think so. "Hey, did you know, it’s based on a true story?" "It is? Oh wow, drop everything and fire that baby up!"

The idea that something you are about to watch or read really happened is definitely fetishised in some quarters. The audience's desire for 'truth' was memorably played upon by the Coen brothers in FARGO, where they claimed that the events in the movie had really happened, when in fact they had not. Although the subsequent TV version did flog the joke to death somewhat by reiterating it at the start of every episode.

It’s like those people who won’t read novels. You know the type: they smugly inform you that they only read ‘for information’. This is because their time is much too precious to be wasted on childish made-up stories that interrupt their noble quest for knowledge.

I’m reminded of this exchange early on in SIDEWAYS between Paul Giamatti's wannabe novelist and his friend's future father-in-law.

 

Father-in-law: "What is the subject of your book? Non-fiction?"

Giamatti: "Uh, no. It's a novel, fiction. Although there is quite a bit from my own life ... so I suppose that technically some of it is non-fiction."

Father-in-law: "Good, I like non-fiction. There is so much to know about this world. I think you read something somebody just invented: waste of time."

Giamatti: "That's an … interesting perspective."

 

What has all this got to do what THE LAST OF THE MOHICANS? Its director Michael Mann, that’s what. Now, there’s a man(n) who loves him some authenticity and is not afraid to put in the necessary preparation.

"Gosh, Mike, how ya gonna make sure people get that sweet, sweet authenticity from your next flick?"

"I’ll tell ya how, buddy. I’m gonna stay overnight at Folsom Prison for THE JERICHO MILE. I’m gonna bring in the SAS fellah who wrote Bravo Two Zero to give Bob De Niro and Val Kilmer urban combat training so they look shit-hot in HEAT. For my MIAMI VICE movie, I’m gonna take A-lister Colin Farrell along on mocked-up FBI drug busts deep inside out-of-bounds Dominican gang slums.

"And for MOHICANS, the granddaddy of them all? Well sir, this time I’ve got your man DD-L on board and let me tell ya, that cat’s as bonkers about prep as yours truly. So I’m gonna have him live out in the actual woods: tracking and skinning animals, building canoes, fighting people with tomahawks, and running about while firing and reloading one of those old flintlock guns. And he’s gonna stay in character day and night, with that gun never leaving his Goddamn side."

Yes, finally the ultimate meticulous director met the quintessential method actor. So here’s the crucial question: did all that preparation and authenticity help towards making a great movie?

Well … I guess. It’s all kind of wasted on me, to be honest. Because MOHICANS just isn’t really my kind of thing.

Historical battle-type stuff doesn't do it for me. BRAVEHEART, GLADIATOR, 300, GLORY... I'm OK from about World War One onwards, but if you turn the clock back too far, all the elaborate costumes and wigs and ‘Yes my Lord, privy permit me to allow thy liege’ stuff starts to grate on me. Blokes swinging swords about on horseback doesn't raise my pulse; I sat through the LORD OF THE RINGS films one time only and have never seen an episode of Game of Thrones.

MOHICANS is clearly a four-star film. It's tense, dramatic and competently acted by a talented and good-looking cast. Mann's trusty cinematographer Dante Spinotti makes you feel the glow of the candles and smell the leaves on the trees. Trevor Jones's score is one for the ages, although he clearly recycled it a year later for CLIFFHANGER (now that's my kind of movie). The battles are well-staged and make you feel like you're really there.

But because I can't shake my two-star attitude, I'm going to have to meet this film in the middle. Sorry, Michael and Daniel – all the preparation in the world can't move someone who would rather be watching Stallone inauthentically climb up a mountain in a T-shirt.

Three stars out of five.

 

Valid use of the word ‘last’? Since there was no sequel, nor one on the horizon, let’s just go for ‘yes’. 

What would a movie called THE FIRST OF THE MOHICANS be about?  According to Britannica, "When first contacted by the Dutch, the Mohican were at war with the Mohawk, and in 1664 they were forced to move from Schodack, near Albany, to what is now Stockbridge, Mass." There ya go – there’s your plot. You’re welcome.

Previously:  THE LAST STAND

Next time:  THE LAST HURRAH

Check out my books:  Jonathanlastauthor.com

THE LAST STAND (2013, Kim Jee-woon)

 

* * * 

The sheriff of a sleepy Arizona town and his ragtag police force are the last barrier between a fugitive felon and his escape into Mexico.

Starring  Arnold Schwarzenegger, Forest Whitaker, Johnny Knoxville, Luis Guzmán, Peter Stormare, Genesis Rodriguez

Written by  Andrew Knauer

Produced by  Lorenzo di Bonaventura

Duration  105 minutes

It’s Christmas Day 2012, and I am the proud recipient of Total Recall – no, not the 1990 mind-bending, ultra-violent sci-fi action classic, which I of course have already owned for several years by this point, and not the tepid Colin Farrell remake, either.

I’m talking about Arnold Schwarzenegger’s autobiography, subtitled My Unbelievably True Life Story. (Missed a chance there for something like All True with No Lies, or maybe Never a Raw Deal.)

Ploughing through the 656-page hardback over the following weeks (big guy, big book), I find that it’s split into three clear phases: transformation from Austrian village-boy to world-famous bodybuilder; acting; and finally, politics. And as the reader makes their way through this tome, those phases get progressively less interesting: the rise-to-fame stuff is a fascinating insight into one man’s drive and ambition; the Hollywood portion is good, but disappointingly lacking much new insight; and the political stuff does not grip me in the slightest – phew, I’m glad he finally managed to get that latest deposition through the Supreme Court!

What I don’t remember is what whether Arnold wrote anything about his plans to return to movies – which is what he did with 2013’s THE LAST STAND. This is actually quite apt, because I watched the thing when it came out and struggled to recollect anything about it this time around.

Released exactly 10 years after his previous film, TERMINATOR 3: RISE OF THE MACHINES, THE LAST STAND was Arnie’s big comeback as a leading man. Except, it wasn’t his first comeback. In one way or another, he’d been trying to come back ever since LAST ACTION HERO tanked in 1993.

To wit: for TRUE LIES (1994), he teamed back up with his old pal, safe-hands Jim Cameron – his films always make money. ERASER (1996) had him doing an action movie that was unapologetically ‘80s, harking back to when Arnold was truly a force to be reckoned with. BATMAN & ROBIN (1997) seemed to be the safe step of joining a successful franchise (whoops).

END OF DAYS (1999) found him trying out going darker and topical (premillennial angst); THE 6TH DAY (2000) was his first sci-fi since the massive TERMINATOR 2; and in 2002’s COLLATERAL DAMAGE he made the odd decision to star in an action flick where he doesn't kill anyone – which made as much sense as a pornographic film with no sex. Then finally, he accepted a $30 million campaign contribution salary to return to his most iconic role as an emotionless cyborg for the third time.

Alright, so THE LAST STAND. What exactly is there to say about the film that kicked off Phase Four in the life of Arnold Alois Schwarzenegger?

Well, since I couldn't remember much from my first watch 10 years ago, this time I decided to pay real close attention and get some stats for ya.

Here’s a record of the number of times: 

– Reference is made to Arnie's advancing age or physique or his history of violence: 11

– I wonder if the town’s diner isn’t actually the same set from the movie A HISTORY OF VIOLENCE: 4

– Johnny Knoxville fires a comically huge Magnum .500 while wearing Biggles goggles and/or a silly hat: 3

– Arnie emerges from a car wearing sunglasses: 2

– Luis Guzman is used for comic relief: 7

– Luis Guzman says "Get to the diner!" and I wonder if it’s supposed to be a tease as to whether Arnie will at some point say "Get to the chopper!" ( … he never does): 1

– I’m surprised that Harry Dean Stanton is in this: 1 (he’s shot dead at the end of his one scene)

– Forest Whitaker, playing an FBI agent, talks with authority and makes us take the film seriously for at least as long as he’s on screen: 5

– Arnie shows that he has the real authority by hanging up a phonecall on Whitaker: 2

– We get a genuinely creatively staged action sequence: 3

– The streets are conveniently free of all pedestrians and non-cops/non-criminals while action sequences take place: 4

– The villain kills a cop who he knows has a baby on the way, even after the cop puts his gun down, thus confirming said villain’s evil bone fides: 1

– Arnie is the only cop who knows how to do his job in the entire town: 3

– Arnie uses his intuition to sniff out a bad guy: 1 (although he was played by Peter Stormare, so intuition wasn’t really necessary)

– Arnie fires a shotgun out the passenger-side window with one hand while driving: 2

– Arnie advises someone to apply pressure to a gunshot wound: 1

– Arnie delivers a one-liner: 5

– Arnie delivers the line "I'll be back": 0

– There’s a tooling-up sequence: 2

– An old woman brandishes a hunting rifle: 1

– There’s a car chase through corn fields: 1

Well, there you have it: the numbers don’t lie.

In the final analysis, THE LAST STAND is no COMMANDO, or even a RED HEAT or a RUNNING MAN, but it is better than practically all of Arnie’s post-BATMAN, pre-Governator output. And it’s certainly more fun than reviewing state legislature regulations, or whatever the big man was doing a few months before he set foot on set.

Three stars out of five.

Valid use of the word ‘last’?  Yep – not even the border guards are there to back them up.

What would a movie called THE FIRST STAND be about?  I’m going to go for a biopic of Arnie (Lord knows who could play him) that begins with his first steps as a toddler, showing how that ‘first stand’ was the start of a journey that led to winning Mr Universe four times, holding a political position in a country not of his birth, and playing an over-sharing pregnant man who says things like "My nipples are very sensitive" in 1994’s JUNIOR.

Previously:  THE LAST FIVE YEARS

Next time:  THE LAST OF THE MOHICANS 

Check out my books:  Jonathanlastauthor.com

THE LAST FIVE YEARS (2014, Richard LaGravenese)

 

* * 

The ups and downs of a relationship over a five-year period, from first courtship to eventual divorce, told using a whole load of songs.

Starring  Anna Kendrick, Jeremy Jordan

Written by  Richard LaGravenese

Produced by  Janet Brenner, Kurt Deutsch, Richard LaGravenese

Duration  94 minutes

   

Oh God, a musical. Great. OK, deep breath, engage maximum level of tolerance …

Musicals are my number one least favourite movie genre. Well, type of live performance as well – and as a leisurely stroll down London’s Shaftsbury Avenue will reveal, they have a majority stake in theatreland.

So at least they don’t dominate moving pictures in the same way they do, er, moving people. But it wasn’t always this way. The ’30s to ’50s are considered ‘the golden age of musical films’, when you couldn’t move for the things. It seems that as soon as Hollywood could do both visuals and pre-recorded sound (THE JAZZ SINGER, with its famous "You ain’t heard nothin’ yet" snippet, came out in 1927), they couldn’t wait to choke the public with as many song and dance numbers as those poor people could stomach.

In my younger years, musicals were easy to avoid. Sometimes when watching a Disney cartoon, I’d realise that I was actually sitting in front of a musical, but those scenes usually passed by relatively painlessly. (And, since this was the home video era, were easily fast-forwardable – the anthropomorphic ROBIN HOOD, a personal favourite, has a dreary love ballad between Robin and Marion that always had me reaching for the chunky VHS remote.)

Then came the turn of the 21st Century and a worrying musical revival. Both originals, like SOUTH PARK: BIGGER, LONGER, UNCUT (1999), and new adaptations, like CHICAGO (2002), MAMMA MIA (2008) and LES MISERABLES (2012). Things did calm down after that initial flourish, but nowadays you still see (or, in my case, don't see) the likes of IN THE HEIGHTS (2021) and Spielberg’s stab at WEST SIDE STORY (also 2021).

Exactly why do I hate musicals? I guess I just don’t understand the need to express a story through singing and dancing. I don’t enjoy watching them and I don’t enjoy listening to them. Specifically, their artificiality leaves me cold – how completely removed they are from reality, like the way all the people move in unnatural synchronicity, as if some kind of INVASION OF THE BODY SNATCHERS hive mind, with creepy fixed grins plastered on their faces (an anxiety that recent horror hit SMILE utilised effectively). The stories are usually thin, the characters shallow and the themes overplayed, and the performance element is used to distract the viewer from those shortcomings.

Look, there are some musicals that I like. The two that come to mind are THE BLUES BROTHERS and O BROTHER, WHERE ART THOU? But crucially, those are actually straight comedies with performance numbers in them. Conventional narratives interrupted by people stopping what they are doing to sing and dance as part of the story; not stories taking place in some alternate reality where that’s how regular people interact day to day.

Despite all this, I did actually fire THE LAST FIVE YEARS up with some level of optimism, having read up on it beforehand.

One nugget of hope was that it plays with traditional structure, something I tend to appreciate. The five-year relationship is told alternatively from beginning to end by the male protagonist (Jeremy Jordan) and from end back to beginning by the female (Anna Kendrick). Another was that this bittersweet, contrast-heavy format inevitably delivers a healthy dose of cynicism, not (or not only) your usual cheery, jolly, cringey let’s-all-leap-about-and-belt-our-hearts-out business. 

And so, because I knew it was unlikely that I would genuinely ‘enjoy’ THE LAST FIVE YEARS, I did my best to take an objective, removed and rational standpoint – just like real critics do ... I imagine.

The lyrics are very on the nose, as expected. But I guess that’s because what the characters are really doing is singing out their inner monologues. When Anna Kendrick laments finding a letter from hubby asking for a divorce, she’s not going to modulate her manner of speaking – she’s just going to react. Are the words she sings out straight from her head (or, you could of course also say, heart) sincere? Yes, they do seem to be.

The set pieces often break through the walls of reality, with incidents, people and places mentioned in the songs entering into the ‘real’ world of where the singing is happening. For example, Jordan’s first number takes place in his apartment bedroom as the couple get it on for the first time, and when he opens his closet he reveals girls from previous unsuccessful relationships as he describes them. But that’s OK, it’s illustrative, they aren’t really ‘there’, they aren’t rearranging the clothes on the hangers or anything.

And are any of the characters in the creative industries, like in every romcom ever? Yes, bloody both of them: the guy is an author, the girl is a dancer. Well, that’s a trope, and you can’t hate something for using tropes, every type of film has tropes. And the romcom comparison is apt, since that’s certainly a genre with which musicals often overlap. It may be unsurprising to learn that I don’t like those much either, but I’ve learned to tolerate romcoms far more than I have musicals. So, maybe there is hope.

It seems to me now, after an hour and a half of THE LAST FIVE YEARS, that there is something about musicals that is instinctive, primal. Not unfinished and shallow, as I’d always believed, rather extracted directly from within and then thrown onto the screen unfiltered. They can show truth – in a stark way that may feel awkward in its rawness, but the pursuit of truth is certainly a purpose of art and so should be applauded.

Perhaps I now understand the genre better. It doesn’t mean I have to like musicals and start going through the MGM back catalogue. But it does mean I can better try to appreciate them, and don’t have to just lazily brandish a one-star verdict and move on. (I'll graduate to two stars, instead.)

So come on, then. Any other musical films with ‘last’ in the title out there? Bring it on – I’m ready for ya!

Two stars out of five.

Valid use of the word ‘last’?  They ain’t getting back together, that’s for sure. So the word works in both its ‘previous’ and ‘final’ senses.  

What would a movie called THE FIRST FIVE YEARS be about?  Due to the backwards/forwards structure, it would be exactly the same movie.

Previously:  STAR WARS: THE LAST JEDI

Next time:  THE LAST STAND 

Check out my books:  Jonathanlastauthor.com

STAR WARS: THE LAST JEDI (2017, Rian Johnson)

 

* * * 

The First Order is being well out of order and the Resistance is trying to resist them, with reclusive former Jedi Luke Skywalker training youngster Rey in the Force.

Starring  Daisy Ridley, John Boyega, Adam Driver, Oscar Isaac, Mark Hamill, Domhnall Gleeson

Written by  Rian Johnson

Produced by  Kathleen Kennedy, Ram Bergman

Duration  152 minutes

Released in October 2012, the official Disney announcement about the Mouse House’s acquisition of Lucasfilm includes the following line from George himself: "It’s now time for me to pass STAR WARS on to a new generation of filmmakers." Elsewhere, Bob Iger, Disney’s chairman/CEO, says of Lucas, "He’s entertained, inspired, and defined filmmaking for almost four decades and we’re incredibly honoured that he has entrusted the future of that legacy to Disney."

Lucas wanted to give up his baby; he’d watched it grow up and had decided that it no longer needed him. He was still hurting from all the (deserved) criticism his prequel trilogy had received from fans who thought they knew better, and so this man who was clearly uncomfortable in the role of director – six films across 30 years with none between 1983 and 1999 or since 2005 – finally cashed out and went home for good.

But he didn’t leave without (a new) hope. Clearly, George had not stopped caring about wars among the stars: the press release vaguely promises that he will carry on "as creative consultant" to Kathleen Kennedy, which may or may not have actually happened, and there is no doubt that he wanted the franchise to be carried forward by the right people, filmmakers who could "entertain, inspire and define", as Iger (or, more likely, Iger’s PA) had put it.

And it really seemed like Kennedy was on the same page, judging by the talent she was lining up to fill George’s boots. But then the following happened:

– TOY STORY 3 writer Michael Arndt is fired from EPISODE VII.

– Gareth Edwards directs ROGUE ONE but is fired during post-production.

– Phil Lord and Chris Miller are hired to direct SOLO but are fired during production and replaced by Ron Howard, who reshoots most of the film.

– JURASSIC WORLD’s Colin Trevorrow is brought in to helm EPISODE IX but is fired and replaced by JJ Abrams.

– CHRONICLE’s Josh Trank is hired to direct a Boba Fett movie with a release target of 2018 but is fired before production begins. He’s replaced by LOGAN’s James Mangold, but the film still hasn’t been made.

And that’s not even a comprehensive list.

And what of THE LAST JEDI director Rian Johnson? The BRICK, LOOPER and, latterly, KNIVES OUT man was the biggest auteur of the lot and had been entrusted to helm a whole new trilogy. But audience backlash to the risks he took with LAST JEDI (you know, the kind of risks that filmmakers who can entertain, inspire and define the artform tend to take) spooked Disney and word on parts two and three has gone very quiet. And Johnson's fanbase-dividing decisions were then all reversed in the next episode.

My own reaction to the post-Lucas Skywalker trilogy, as someone who doesn’t really care about STAR WARS but who will go see a new instalment since they're such cultural events, was that I understood why Disney had gone so safe with THE FORCE AWAKENS. Sixteen years on from REVENEGE OF THE SITH (the only watchable entry in the prequel trilogy), they needed to get the fans back onside with an onslaught of nostalgia and I thought Abrams pulled if off commendably.

Then THE LAST JEDI tried to do something different while still managing to be entertaining and yes, I did resent how Disney then abandoned Johnson’s refreshing anti-family-legacy direction for THE RISE OF SKYWALKER – especially because that time the ‘safety first’ approach really backfired. Oh my sweet Lord. RISE OF SKYWALKER was just awful: boring, derivative and lacking any kind of energy or inspiration, with an incredibly lazy plot-point-to-plot-point ‘OK, we’ve got that thing, we may as well head off now to get the next thing’ narrative. There hasn't been a STAR WARS movie since and God only knows how they are going to recover from that travesty. 

Meanwhile, my second viewing of middle-entry LAST JEDI for this review did little to alter my earlier impressions:

– It still has Domhnall Gleeson channelling Peter Cushing, alongside Eddie Hitler from BOTTOM.

– Ford is still gone, but Hammill is back (making brave character decisions while living off green milk straight from a sea mammal’s teat) and Fisher remains with us.

– Laura Dern still turns up to work with a purple rinse, clearly modelled after Phyllis Pearce from Coronation Street.

– It still doesn't make sense that Kylo Ren would wear his hair that long if he's going to sweat inside a helmet all day. Go for the number one all over, mate!

– It still has the courage to be STAR WARS while also being about STAR WARS and its fans, with a candidness that made some of those fans uncomfortable.

– It's still the most political entry in this space opera by a large margin, as is typical of Johnson, which was another thing that antagonised some.

– It still manages to mostly make you forget that the reason it exists is to sell toys.

– And it's still probably the best one of these things since THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK.

And so how does the future look for STAR WARS movies? Will Kennedy et al stop being so trigger-happy and let writers and directors follow through with progressive ideas that won’t please everyone but which may be the only way to keep this saga of all sagas alive?

Only time will tell. All I’ll say is, I hope that right at this moment George is enjoying his billions and that they are proving to be of great comfort. 

Three stars out of five.

Valid use of the word ‘last’?  These things never end; there will always be more. There will always be more and you will always come to see them.

What would a movie called THE FIRST JEDI be about?  "According to the Legends universe, the first Jedi ever was Prime Jedi, who founded the Jedi Order around 25,000 BBY (before the Battle of Yavin) on the planet of Anch-To." So now you know.

Previously:  LAST KNIGHTS

Next time:  THE LAST FIVE YEARS

Check out my books:  Jonathanlastauthor.com

LAST KNIGHTS (2015, Kazuaki Kiriya)

 

* * 

Forced to execute his beloved master, a noble warrior dedicates his life to fighting back against the corrupt and sadistic ruler who put him in that fateful position.

Starring  Clive Owen, Morgan Freeman, Cliff Curtis, Aksel Hennie, Peyman Moaadi

Written by  Michael Konyves, Dove Sussman

Produced by  Luci Kim   

Duration  115 minutes   

 

(Ring ring, ring ring)

(Crunch crunch)  "Hello?"

"Oh, hello. Am I speaking to Mr Clive Owen?"

(Crunch crunch)  "Yeah."  (Crunch crunch)  "Who’s this, then?"

"This is Morgan Freeman."

"Actual Morgan Freeman?"  (Crunch crunch, swallow)  "Really?"

"Yes, really, Clive. How are you?"

"Fucking hell, I mean, hold on a sec."  (Beat)  "Sorry Morgan, I was just watching the footie and munching on some Doritos."

(Chuckles)  "Ah yes, you Cockneys and your association soccer."

"Ha, actually I’m from Coventry, mate. In the Midlands?"

"Is that so? You know, Clive, I recall that when we were shooting THE DARK KNIGHT RISES, Christian, Tom and Michael would often watch Fox Soccer between setups."

"Oh yeah? Nolan as well?"

"No, Christopher was usually busy, chatting to Wally about the lighting or whatnot. Anyway, at the time, they were broadcasting a documentary series on Liverpool Footballing Club, narrated by yours truly."

"Yeah, that was me. Liverpool, they’re my team, mate." 

"So, you’re one of those ... ‘Scousers’? Like John Lennon?"

(Chuckles)  "No, Coventry’s nowhere near Liverpool."

"Oh, but I thought you Englishmen had a ‘support your nearest franchise’ attitude to sports?"

"Er, yeah, well ... um ... Listen, sorry Morgan mate, but how can I help you exactly?"

"Sorry, Clive, I’ll cut to the chase. I'm calling about this script my agent has given me, THE LOST KNIGHT."

"Oh yeah, right. No, I think it’s actually called LAST KNIGHT ... I think."

"Oh, I see, right."

"Like ABOUT LAST NIGHT, but I don’t think we’re gonna be seeing Demi Moore or Rob Lowe in it. Yeah, I just got off the phone with my own agent about booking me onto a Czech Airlines flight."

"So then, what I’m told is true and you’re attached?"

"Right, yeah I am, that’s right. Are you doing it and all?"

"Well, this is why I’m calling you and interrupting your soccer, Clive. Sorry, ‘football’."

"Oh yeah?"

"Yes, I’d like to talk about the script. I can’t make my mind up about whether I should do this movie or not. I have a few questions – would it be any bother if I ran through them with you, Clive?"

"No, Morgan mate, no bother at all. Go for it. It’s half-time now, anyway."

"Clive, I'm much obliged. So, would I be right in assuming that you’re taking the lead role, this character ‘Raiden’?"

"Raiden, yeah that’s the fellah. Like off of that arcade game, MORTAL KOMBAT, the geezer with the hat that did the lightning. You remember that game, Morgan?"

"No, Clive, I'm afraid I do not."

"‘Finish him!’"

"I’m afraid I have no idea what you’re talking about."

(Chuckles)  "Never mind."

"So can I just ask, Clive."

"Anything, Morgan mate, anything."

"What attracted you to the part? And the script in general?"

(Exhales)  "Well, I did KING ARTHUR back in the day and that was a bit of a laugh. Riding on a horse and swinging a sword about and that. Plus, I’ve never been to the Czech Republic and it’ll make a change from bloody Bulgaria, where they film everything these days."

"True, Clive, so true."

"Did you know there's a nightclub in Prague with five floors? Apparently, you can get the best absinthe in Europe there. It’s at the end of that bridge they have, what’s it called, the famous one. I dunno."

"I see. But the movie, Clive."

"Oh yeah, right."

"Was there anything about the script that made you think that you have to do this project?"

"Well ... I dunno, really. It seemed alright, from what I can remember. No worse than a lot of the shit that comes my way these days. What’ve you been offered, second lead?"

"Well, it's a character called ‘Bartock’."

"Oh right, yeah. Um, remind me, what’s his deal then?"

"He’s Raiden’s mentor and father figure."

"Oh yeah, right! Don't you get killed off early doors? Wait ... don't I have to stab you to death or something, like under coercion or whatever?"

(Chuckles)  "Yes, I do fall by your hand it would seem. It’s a little unclear as to why, though. I’ve offended someone ... and you’re under some kind of political pressure, as far as I can tell."

"Yeah, I did kinda zone out with all that plot stuff. Lot of bollocks about ‘honour’ and ‘how dare you besmirch my family’ and all that. I started to flick through, searching for the bloody battles!  (Chuckles)  The bloodier the better, as far as I'm concerned!"

"But do you think the audience will be following what's going on?"

"Probably not. They’ll probably be chugging a beer and skipping through to the violent bits, watching the thing at home on Netflix or whatever it’s on."

"I suppose you’re right, Clive. But there is ... something else."

"Oh yeah? Come on Morgan, spit it out mate."

"Well, the main thing I’m worried about is, this movie starts with me doing voiceover. Again!"

"Oh, come up Morgan, everyone loves your voiceovers. Christ, you were like my bloody role model, giving me the confidence to do that one for Liverpool when I wasn't sure I could pull it off. Honestly, mate!"

"That’s very kind, Clive."

"Straight up! Obviously SHAWSHANK and, oh mate, fucking MARCH OF THE PENGUINS? Are you having a laugh? But you know the absolute best for me? WAR OF THE WORLDS. Fucking nailed it, mate."

"I appreciate the kind words. But do you think that audiences are a little ... weary of hearing my voice by now?"

"No way. Never. That’s like asking would I ever get sick of watching Stevie Gerrard bang in 30-yard belters."

"Hmm. I see your point. But, Clive, I know I exit the movie early, but I’m still concerned about how well the rest of the picture will come across. The screenplay is nearly 120 pages and it all seems rather bland and unimaginative; it’s definitely slow and quite confusing at times. I’m just not sure how much –"

(Crunch crunch)  "Mm-hmm, yeah, I see your point, mmm (crunch crunch) ."

"Clive, have you opened another packet of Doritos?"

(Crunch)  "Mmm, yeah, sorry Morgan... they’re those Flaming Hot ones, know what I mean?"  (Crunch crunch)

"I see."

"Look, Morgan  (crunch, swallow) . The second half of the football’s about to start. I'm gonna level with you, mate. I don’t get offered a lot of lead roles these days. It’s not 2006 anymore, and I doubt I’m ever gonna get another Oscar nomination. Fucking should have won it for CLOSER, can't remember which twat beat me to it."

"That would have been me, Clive."

"Oh fuck, was it?"

"Yes, for MILLION DOLLAR BABY."

"Shit, that’s right. Bollocks. And well-deserved too, mate. Shit ... er, sorry about the language."

"That’s quite alright. You still have plenty of time. I was nearly 70 when I finally won that statue, you know."

"Yeah, well like I say, I'm not so sure I’m ever gonna make it onto one of them podiums again. But anyway, so yeah, I open up a script like this THE LAST KNIGHTS or whatever the fuck it’s called, and I think, horses? Swords? Free holiday in Eastern Europe? Fuck it – why not?"

(Beat)

"Clive, just tell me one thing."

(Crunch crunch)  "Morgan mate – anything."

"Did you really say five floors?"

"My cousin was over there for his mate’s stag do ... er, bachelor party. What he actually called the place was, and I’m quoting directly here, he said it was ‘five floors of whores’. Apparently it’s fucking mental. The whole city, in fact."

(Long beat)

"Morgan? You still there, mate?"  (Crunch)

"Clive, I’m going to think all this over, but I reckon I might just be asking you to count me in on that first round of absinthe."

"Ah, that’s the spirit, Morgan mate!"

"Enjoy the rest of your game and good luck to the Liverpool."

"Cheers Morgan, it’s fucking Man U so we need to beat these bastards."

"So long, Clive."

"See you in Prague, mate."  (Crunch crunch)

(Click)

Two stars out of five.

Valid use of the word ‘last’?  Not as such. I didn’t get the impression that there would be no further knights subsequent to the events on show.

What would a movie called FIRST KNIGHTS be about?  What about a double-bill of British writer/director Steven Knight’s first screenplay credits, GYPSY WOMAN (starring Jack Davenport) and DIRTY PRETTY THINGS (Chiwetel Ejiofor, Audrey Tautou)?

Previously:  THE LAST TIME I SAW PARIS

Next time:  STAR WARS: THE LAST JEDI 

Check out my books:  Jonathanlastauthor.com