THE LAST MAN (2019, Rodrigo H Vila)

 

* 

It’s the end of the world as we know it, and I feel … like it’s yet another post-apocalypse movie, this time with a lot of brooding, murky visuals and Hayden Christensen.

Starring  Hayden Christensen, Harvey Keitel, Marco Leonardi, Liz Solari, Justin Kelly, Rafael Spregelburd

Written by  Rodrigo H Vila, Gustavo Lencina   

Produced by  Gustavo Lencina, Rodrigo H Vila

Duration  100 minutes   

 

(Ring ring, ring ring)

 

“Hello?”

 

“Hi, um, is that Mr Keitel?”

 

“No, Mr Keitel is my father.”

 

“Oh … um, but …”

 

“And also me. I’m just teasing you, son.”

 

“Right …”

 

“What can I do for you?”

 

“Sorry to call so late … it’s Hayden.”

 

“I’m sorry … who?”

 

“Hayden Christensen.”

 

“From the contractor? Ah, I’m glad you called, son. I needed to talk to you about windows. Now, my wife, she thinks we should be getting the oak frames, but me, well …”

 

“No, sorry, I’m not calling about your, uh, about your windows.”

 

“Oh, I apologise. So, who did you say you were?”

 

“Christensen, Hayden Christensen.”

 

“Hmm.”

 

“From the STAR WARS prequels?”

 

“Oh, you were the little kid, from that space race?”

 

“No, that was Jake Lloyd. Look, Mr Keitel–”

 

“Harvey.”

 

“Harvey, I’m Hayden Christensen. We’re gonna be in this movie together, THE LAST MAN?”

 

“Oh, right! Now I remember. And son, I was right the first time.”

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“Well, I’m only doing that movie so I can get us a sunroom in the Malibu place. Or a solarium, whatever you call it. So, in a way, you were calling me about that.”

 

“... Right.”

 

“So, what’s on your mind, Hayden? Young Padawan?”

 

“Well, Mr … Harvey. It’s just that … I’m having second thoughts about the movie.”

 

“Oh? Can’t your agent negotiate a better fee?”

 

“No, it’s not the money … although … no, that’s the thing. I’m not doing it just for the money.”

 

“Of course you’re not. You’re young.”

 

“Well, I’m 37 now …”

 

“Really? Jeez, those STAR WARS movies were a while ago now, huh?”

 

“Tell me about it.”

 

“So, OK, you’re relatively young. You still have a career ahead of you.”

 

“Well …”

 

“But me, I’ve been doing this for 50 years! I don’t have to care about what the actual movie is. If I decide – or, more usually, the old lady decides – that it’s time for a new conservatory, then so long as they pay me enough to cover the costs, you better believe that I’m getting that conservatory.”

 

“OK, but it’s different for me.”

 

“Of course it is, Hayden. That’s what I’m trying to tell you.”

 

“So, what I really wanted to know was–”

 

“You wanted to know if I think that you should do this film.”

 

“Yes! If you don’t mind.”

 

“You’d like some advice from someone who’s been around the block once or twice.”

 

“Exactly.”

 

“Or three or four times.”

 

“Right.”

 

“Hmm. Well, what is it that’s giving you doubts, son?”

 

“OK. Well, look. You’ve read the script, right?”

 

“Why in the hell would I do that?”

“Right, OK, sorry. Um, but you do know that it’s kind of a grim, dystopian, vaguely futuristic type deal?”

 

“I had a vague inkling.”

“I start off with a beard, losing my mind, in a hellhole. Flashbacks to a war where I'm a soldier.”

“Mmm …”

“I have a lot of voiceover exposition at the start ... it's set in a world the sounds like Blade Runner but on a ten-dollar budget. I describe it as being ‘the end of the world’.”

“OK …”

“I get the shit kicked out of me by a skinhead gang in the rain about 10 pages in. Then, at 15 pages, I hold a gun to my head but can't pull the trigger.”

“Right …”

“I can't really work out what happened in the backstory in my narration: the economy collapses, millions dead, I think there was some kind of ecological disaster? Then you show up on TV, talking about ‘a storm coming’, but I can't work out of if you're speaking about an actual storm or if it's just a metaphor.”

“Oh, that’s right. Like you, I have a beard in this one. So, I'm going to play the character as a spiritual successor to Jacob in FROM DUSK TILL DAWN, where I also had a beard. Except my beard is going to be longer this time.”

“Right. Um, so I also meet some creepy kid, or he may just be a manifestation of my own insanity or my guilt or something like that. Then about 25 pages in I decide I need some money for ... something, so I get a job. It's not clear what this job entails, but I'm interviewed in an office by a man in a suit. Then after about 30 pages, an old army buddy of mine turns up at my apartment, and I at first pull out a gun on him not trusting that he's real, but then he does seem to be ... Harvey, I hate to admit it, but I’m completely lost with this script! There's just so little cohesion between scenes. Nothing makes any sense.”

"OK, let's pull things back a little. Do you get to do anything heroic?"

“Well, I turn the tables on the skinheads after about 40 pages, grabbing one of their guns and shooting them.”

"Anything else?"

“I kind of just skim-read it after that. I think I have an affair with my new boss's daughter, and towards the end I'm locked up in a cell, not sure why ... there's a kind of Mexican standoff at the climax, me with a shotgun facing down two other guys with handguns.”

"Like me at the end of RESERVOIR DOGS! ... Except, no shotguns."

“I guess …”

“Hmm.”

“So … what do you think?”

“Hayden, son?”

“Yes, Harvey?”

“I have four rules for my career. Or at least I did, you know, when I was your age.”

“OK …”

“Would you like me to tell you them?”

“Yes please.”

“The first one is, find a high-class director and stick to him like glue. Now, I did five films with Marty Scorsese and yes, he ended up making Bobby D his go-to guy instead. Which is fine, I’m over it now. But I knew Marty was good, and he knew how to use me. Now, you had the right idea with George Lucas …”

“I thought so at the time …”

“But we’re talking about a man who obviously does not like to direct motion pictures. So, find yourself a new guy who's a bit more prolific.”

“OK.”

“Next rule: Show your vulnerable side. You’ve seen BAD LIEUTENANT? The scene in the church? Or when I’m cradling Tim Roth at the end of DOGS? Or my scene alone with Jodie Foster in TAXI DRIVER? Or basically any time I’m on screen in THE PIANO?”

“Yes! All brilliant work, Harvey.”

“Aw, thanks. The point is, kid, you can be the tough guy, but if you wanna win ‘em round, you gotta make ‘em cry.”

“Got it.”

“The third rule is, you can’t just be vulnerable on the inside. You gotta show what you’re worth underneath, behind all the bullshit we protect ourselves with.”

“Wait, are you talking about–”

“Yes, Hayden. You gotta go nude. You gotta let ‘em see Little Hayden.”

“Um …”

“I have appeared naked in seven motion pictures. Can Bobby DeNiro say that? Can Pacino say that? Did Marlon or Jack or Paul Newman ever do that? I don’t think so!”

“I see.”

“One final rule, kid.”

 “Hit me, Harvey.”

 “Cops. You gotta play cops.”

 “OK.”

“COPKILLER, MORTAL THOUGHTS, THELMA & LOUISE, BAD LIEUTENANT (of course), RISING SUN, THE YOUNG AMERICANS, CLOCKERS, COP LAND, RED DRAGON, NATIONAL TREASURE and its sequel … and those are just the ones I can remember.”

“Wow.”

“You betcha. So: latch onto a hot director, be vulnerable, give your johnson some air, and hold a badge. Nothing to it.”

“Got it. Thanks for the advice, Harvey.”

“No problem kid. See you on set – and hey, would it be OK if I showed you a few catalogues between setups? Because, I gotta tell you, oak frames are OK, but I'm leaning towards mahogany, or maybe pine. Or even accoya, whatever the hell that is ..."

“Sure, Harvey. It'd be my pleasure.”

“Thanks, kid. See ya.”

“Bye.”

(Click)

 

One star out of five.

 

 

Valid use of the word ‘last’?  Who the fuck knows.

What would a movie called THE FIRST MAN be about?  In 2016, if his wife had won the election, that would have been Bill Clinton.

 

Previously:  THE LAST TREE

Next time:  THE LAST FACE

Check out my books:  Jonathanlastauthor.com

THE LAST TREE (2019, Shola Amoo)

 

* * * 

A young man faces challenges growing up in London, having been suddenly transplanted there from his idyllic countryside adolescence.

Starring  Sam Adewunmi, Gbemisola Ikumelo, Denise Black, Tai Golding, Ruthxjiah Bellenea

Written by  Shola Amoo

Produced by  Myf Hopkins, Lee Thomas

Duration  99 minutes

 

Trees are important. Everyone knows that: the whole taking in carbon dioxide and releasing oxygen thing. As the Woodland Trust says, “Trees are our lungs. Trees are our guardians. Trees are our health service and wildlife champions.”

But what about trees in movies? Most of the time, they get a bad rap. If they do feature, they tend to be lumped together as a collective and portrayed negatively. They're often the scene of spooky woods (think THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT), or a place where teens run to escape a maniac (countless slashers), or an isolated location for a mob hit and subsequent burial (MILLER’S CROSSING). In THE EVIL DEAD, a tree even takes the worst possible advantage of a young lady who's staying in a cabin nearby. Not nice.

But sometimes, movie trees are the good guys. ROBIN HOOD: PRINCE OF THIEVES comes to mind. You could even call it a 'tree film', all in all, what with the Merry Men’s elaborate village high up in Sherwood Forest. Plus, all the fight scenes use arrows, which of course are made from trees.

But more than that, the 1991 movie featured one particular tree that became legendary: the Sycamore Gap next to Hadrian's Wall in Northumberland. Early on in the movie, Kevin Costner’s Robin of Locksley and his pal Azeem (Morgan Freeman) pass the tree as they approach Nottingham (which in real life is nowhere near, but anyway). It came to be known as ‘the Robin Hood tree’ and was a popular tourist site. Then, early one morning in September 2023, it was found cut down, devastating millions of fans. Even the film’s director Kevin Reynolds chipped in, telling the BBC, “This is the second loss PRINCE OF THIEVES has suffered in the last couple of years – first Alan Rickman and now this." (Not reported: what the Rickman family made of this statement.)

The Robin Hood tree also featured in the music video for Bryan Adams' ‘(Everything I Do) I Do It for You’, a song that spent a record 16 consecutive weeks at number one in the UK Singles Chart. As such, you might expect me to hate it, but in fact I find it to be a superb power ballad that won't let go of the ’80s – in all the best possible ways. So there.

So, this brings us to THE LAST TREE. Is it truly another 'tree movie', beyond the somewhat cryptic title? There was little hint from the synopsis I read of how exactly trees would feature. The protagonist is moving from the countryside to The Big City, so I guess an environment where there are fewer trees? (Even if in reality London has loads of parks, but I digress.) Does he miss trees in general? Was there a special tree that had come to symbolize the innocent youth he is torn away from, possibly one that he carved his name into? Or is the whole tree thing purely allegorical?

Something that was clear from what I'd read about THE LAST TREE is that this is another ‘moving to scary London’ story, and I wasn’t too keen on the last ‘last’ film about that. My hope going in was that this one would be a little more nuanced, a little less melodramatic, and much keener to acknowledge that the Capital is more than a square mile of tourist-friendly shops, restaurants and West End post-production places.

Well, the London our protagonist Femi ends up in is Walworth, sandwiched between Camberwell and Elephant & Castle. Which is fine, although I object to the south of the river being represented as gang-infested crime-hole, yet again.

Much more appreciated was that Femi is into stuff like New Order and The Cure, despite this apparently not being a period piece (they use mobile phones). When his pal asks him what he's listening to through his headphones, Femi tells him "Tupac – 'Hit 'em Up', innit?" So clearly there's a bucking of social expectations here.

But the trees! What about the trees? I decided to keep a tally of whenever they appeared and in what quantity. (Please note that many of these are estimates.)

 – Opening sequence of 10-year-old Femi and pals playing outside during magic hour, tree count: 2

– Femi plays football in the park with his mates: 12

– Femi storms off down the road after learning he has to go to Evil London to live with his birth mother: 4

– Femi in the garden for a farewell party: 3

– Montage of Femi travelling to the airport: 10

– Femi walking to his first day of school: 2

– Femi runs away from his mother after she chastises him for getting into a fight at school after a boy makes fun of his name: 3 – and a tree stump is framed prominently in the foreground!

– Femi, now a teenager who's got in with the wrong crowd, heads to school with his pals: 7

– Femi watches some fellow youths kicking a football to each other around a housing estate: 4

– Femi goes along with his mates' bullying of a girl at school, while privately disapproving: 1

 

Then there are very few trees for quite a while, as the film becomes more set at night, with Femi getting involved in drug deals, turf wars, etc. But then:

 – Femi goes back to the countryside to visit the lady who raised him, travelling by train during a contemplative montage: 20

– Femi sits with the aforementioned lady in her garden: 4

– Back in London, Femi gets the shit kicked out of him by the dealers who he thought were his friends, then staggers home with the camera strapped to him pointing at his face, like that bit in MEAN STREETS when Harvey Keitel is staggering around the bar, or in any number of Spike Lee movies: 7

– Femi and his mum visit her home country of Nigeria, travelling to a posh home through a rural area: 5

– They then go to a spiritual retreat in the outskirts of Lagos: 16, and the final instance of trees in the film.

Approximate number of trees across the whole of THE LAST TREE: 101

So, what does it all mean? Does the specific number of trees matter? Was any one in particular more significant than the others? What was the meaning behind focusing on that stump? And – most crucially – which tree was the 'last'?

Let me assure you that I've ruminated over these questions long and hard and have failed to come up with any answers.

Film was OK, though.

Three stars out of five.

 

Valid use of the word ‘last’?  See review.

What would a movie called THE FIRST TREE be about?  It's tempting to say the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, but that was definitely not the first to sprout up in the Garden of Eden. First famous one, though.

Previously:  I STILL KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER

Next time:  THE LAST MAN

Check out my books:  Jonathanlastauthor.com

I STILL KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER (1998, Danny Cannon)

 

* 

That crazy fisherman is still not dead and he still knows. So even when our heroes go to the Bahamas, he still stalks them because he still can't let go.

Starring  Jennifer Love Hewitt, Brandy, Mekhi Phifer, Freddie Prinze Jr, Bill Cobbs

Written by  Trey Callaway     

Produced by  Neal H Moritz, Erik Feig, Stokely Chaffin, William S Beasley

Duration  101 minutes   

   

 

 

Let's face it, a film like I STILL KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER has the odds stacked against it.

There's the assumption that a sequel will be rubbish. Yes, we all know the ones that turned out great and arguably better than the original, like ALIENS (agree), TERMINATOR 2 (disagree) and THE GODFATHER: PART II (too close to call). But the vast majority of follow-ups are either disappointing when compared to what came before or just plain bad.

And that anti-sequel prejudice becomes more pronounced the faster the new film arrives. I'm not talking about ones that were filmed together, like BACK TO THE FUTURE PARTS II and III or the LORD OF THE RINGS trilogy or the second and third MATRIXS – those were pre-planned. I mean the one-year gap between the first two SCREAM movies, or between all of the first eight FRIDAY THE 13THS, except parts three and four and parts six and seven (when they left a whole two years between entries). Or how the first six NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREETS span a mere seven-year period.

So, it does tend to be horror franchises that ruthlessly churn 'em out. And yes, they do mostly suffer from diminishing returns.

But before I dismiss quickie horror sequel I STILL KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER (released 13 months after the original), two other part twos come to mind, both unfairly written off in the annals of film history: GHOSTBUSTERS 2 and PREDATOR 2.

Someday, I'm going to do a scientific study. I'm going to watch GHOSTBUSTERS and GHOSTBUSTERS 2 back to back and log each time there's a good bit: a funny line, a memorable delivery, a genuine scare. Because I've watched the latter as many times as the former and I swear to God there is no drop in quality, none whatsoever. It may be a carbon copy in many ways, but before it resets to formula it does an imaginative (and hilarious) job of following through with its "five years later" premise. And with all the major players back in front of and behind the camera, they know how to make that formula enjoyable.

PREDATOR 2, meanwhile, was dismissed as a cash-in because neither Arnie or director John McTiernan returned. But what Stephen Hopkins delivered actually has a better cast (Danny Glover! Gary Busey! Bill Paxton! Maria Conchita Alonso! Ruben Blades! Robert Davi! Adam Baldwin! Steve Kahan!) and a sweaty, near-future urban milieu unique to itself. It should be terrible; it has virtually no plot and skips having a second act altogether, instead just rushing from set up to resolution without worrying about narrative development or escalation. But I love it!

Both those movies are also often referenced by unimaginative critics as a way of giving backhanded compliments to the franchise's legacy sequels, trawling out the trite observation "well, it's not great, but at least it's better than part two!" (See also: the criminally underrated INDIANA JONES AND THE TEMPLE OF DOOM.)

The LAST SUMMER series itself is now receiving the legacy sequel treatment, too. But whatever the context, I was determined to avoid making any lazy assumptions about the quality of I STILL KNOW.

Silly me.

Let's start with the good. Jennifer Love Hewitt is a solid lead (she's back for the 2025 edition, having ducked out of the DTV part three), resourceful and compelling, more than capable of shouldering a multi-entry horror franchise like her Party of Five alumni Neve Campbell has been with SCREAM. Brandy, famous for singing 'The Boy is Mine', is a charismatic addition to the I STILL KNOW cast. For a while, it's fun to play 'spot the character actor': John Hawkes, Bill Cobbs, Jeffrey Combs, Mark Boone Junior ... um, how about a dreadlocked Jack Black, overacting as usual and playing Drexel from TRUE ROMANCE as in a weak SNL sketch? And, well, the Bahamas-during-monsoon-season setting is novel for a slasher. And ... er ... Freddie Prinze Jr also returns? Yay?

Unfortunately, quirky casting and impressive location scouting are about all I STILL KNOW has going for it. 

So now onto the bad.

Its first sin is opening with a cheap fake-out opening, as JLH is attacked in a dream and wakes up having fallen asleep in her college class. From this inauspicious start, things never pick up. There is no suspense. There is no sense of dread. The jump scares barely elicit a tremor. And there are no decent kills – well, unless you count Jack Black’s, but only because it's satisfying to see him go. And Mekhi Phifer and Matthew Settle are saddled with the thankless roles of 'horny, insensitive jock' and 'no personality beyond wishing he was Freddie Prinze Jr', doing no one any favours. I spent most of the movie idly wondering how many of the poor cast came down with hypothermia due to every scene taking place in the pouring rain.

Plus, serious minus points for forcing a horrible alt-rock cover of New Order's 'Blue Monday' upon us during a cheesy 90's clubbing scene, following the original movie's butchering of ‘Summer Breeze’ by Seals & Crofts. Much more painful than anything a hook-handed grudge-bearing homicidal maniac could dole out.

Alright, alright. So sometimes our negative assumptions about movies do turn out to be correct. But hey – every now and then we're pleasantly surprised and get possessed bathtubs, sentient paintings and rivers of slime; or an alien hunter administering self-surgery in an elderly lady's bathroom while she hesitates outside brandishing a broom. A little misplaced optimism's gotta be worth the chance of getting that kind of stuff, hasn't it?

Next time you want a franchise sequel set in the Bahamas, go for JAWS: THE REVENGE. (Note: JAWS: THE REVENGE is a little underrated, but this is not a recommendation.) 

One star out of five.

Additional: There used to be a trend for naming sequels with 'too' instead of '2', to imply 'as well'. SPLASH TOO, TEEN WOLF TOO, LOOK WHO'S TALKING TOO... so why didn't they do that here to both stop the title being chronological gibberish? I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER TOO sounds like a much better movie, maybe one that could have mixed things up by introducing a new villain.

Valid use of the word ‘last’?  JLH actually points out the inaccuracy herself by explaining how "two summers ago, we (etc etc)". Poor show, whoever signed off on that title, I'm telling you.

What would a movie called I STILL KNOW WHAT YOU DID FIRST SUMMER be about?  Excessive pride about having such a good memory for early-years details.

Previously:  LAST EXIT TO BROOKLYN

Next time:  THE LAST TREE

Check out my books:  Jonathanlastauthor.com

LAST EXIT TO BROOKLYN (1989, Uli Edel)

 

* * * * 

Life, love, loss and labour disputes in 1950’s New York City.

Starring  Jennifer Jason Leigh, Stephen Lang, Burt Young, Peter Dobson, Jerry Orbach

Written by  Desmond Nakano

Produced by  Bernd Eichinger

Duration  103 minutes  

 

 

Sometimes, you see the reference before you know the thing it's referencing.

The early, golden episodes of The Simpsons were chockablock with brilliantly conceived movie references. CITIZEN KANE was a favourite, getting a whole episode with Mr Burns' childhood teddy bear substituting the sled Rosebud. Hitchcock came up a lot, too, specifically PSYCHO, VERTIGO and REAR WINDOW – which also got its own whole-episode parody, when Lisa and Bart think Ned Flanders has murdered his wife.

One of my favourites is 'Last Exit to Springfield'. The one where Homer becomes the head of the power plant's workers' union to try to get free braces for Lisa. ("Dental plan!" "Lisa needs braces." "Dental plan!" "Lisa needs braces." "Dental plan!" " ... If we give up our dental plan ... I'll have to pay for Lisa's braces!")

It's an episode that makes several references, among them THE GODFATHER PART II; 1989's BATMAN; the Beatles' YELLOW SUBMARINE; How the Grinch Stole Christmas; and Moby-Dick. But I didn't at first know what that title was alluding to. It definitely sounded like a reference, and I just supposed that it must be somehow relevant to the episode's plot.

I came to realise that it was a nod to an '80s-shot, '50s-set movie called LAST EXIT TO BROOKLYN. But I never saw it back then, and my interest was only piqued (before now) after I became a fan of drugged-up misery-fest REQUIEM FOR A DREAM, and learned that both it and LAST EXIT were adapted from novels by the same author, Hubert Selby Jr.

Apparently, the book is a loose collection of inter-connected short fictions set in the same area, rather like Trainspotting. If that's so, then screenwriter Desmond Nakano did a great job of blending them into a coherent narrative. 

Characters in the ensemble include Georgette (Alexis Arquette), a brash transgender prostitute; dockworker Big Joe (Burt Young, playing Paulie from ROCKY as if he finally left Philly and started a family), whose daughter's baby out of wedlock prompts a hasilty arranged wedding and christening; Jennifer Jason Leigh's Tralala, a prostitute who makes a few extra bucks from propositioning sailors and then robbing them when the deed is done; and Stephen Lang as Harry, a closeted factory machinist, who during the strike abuses his position in the union by using its funds to take his deadbeat mates out boozing, while exploring the local underground gay scene on the sly.

With the exception of Big Joe's, none of these storylines end well. Georgette is thrown out of the family home by her homophobic brother and is then killed in a hit-and-run. Harry is viciously beaten by the same buddies he had been trying to impress after they uncover his sexuality. And Tralala is brutally gang-raped in an abandoned car and then left for dead.

It's this last character who I found the most heart-breaking. Tralala meets a nice guy for once, a sailor who wants to get to know her and hang out for a few days doing 'couple' things before he ships out; when he does, he leaves her a love note that almost brings her to tears. 

But Leigh is playing a character who is so used to getting a bum steer from life that when she's shown a little glimmer of tenderness she can't handle it. She reacts by subjecting herself to self-flagellating humiliation – her fate at the hands of dozens of leering, drunken barflies comes at her own invitation, when she binge-drinks whiskey, rips off her own clothes and challenges them to do their worst. She doesn't think she deserves happiness and takes comfort in sinking back to the gutter, where the world has convinced her she belongs. 

Leigh is utterly mesmerising in the role; with this and 1990's MIAMI BLUES, she was truly graduating from teen films to more grown-up fare.

Stephen Lang, meanwhile, I mostly knew as psychotic serial killer The Party Crasher in mis-matched buddy action comedy THE HARD WAY; that, or for playing a psychotic military type in AVATAR, or even the psychotic blind dude in the DON'T BREATHE movies. But here, he's agonisingly soulful as a regular guy who's desperately trying to find his place in the world.

Also in the cast are Jerry Orbach (the dad from DIRTY DANCING) as a principled union boss; a young Stephen Baldwin as a local hoodlum; Ricky Lake as Big Joe's daughter; and apparently a pre-fame Sam Rockwell was in there somewhere too, but I didn't spot him and I don't think he has any lines.

German Uli Edel is example of a foreign director with an outsider's eye of New York City, like the French Luc Besson (LEON), Polish Roman Polanski (ROSEMARY'S BABY), Austrian Billy Wilder (THE APARTMENT), Italian Sergio Leone (ONCE UPON A TIME IN AMERICA) ... does Canadian Ivan Reitman count, with GHOSTBUSTERS? Anyway, in LAST EXIT, the titular borough is depicted like another planet or a subterranean level of hell. Cinematographer Stefan Czapdky shoots it like Michael Chapman did Scorsese's TAXI DRIVER (that director being an actual New Yorker, of course): all rising steam and dark alleys and dirty puddles.

There's another Scorsese-style touch when the camera cranes away, ashamed, during Harry's beating. His assailants leave him bloody and propped up against wooden rafters in a crucifix pose – and then we cut to a christening! So, the religious allusions are very Marty, too.

This is a harsh film, despite them actually toning down the book – which had been strong enough to earn it a trial in the UK under the Obscene Publications Act. But LAST EXIT is more moving in its humility and rawness than anything I've seen for a good while. Ultimately, it's about trying to find pockets of happiness in an ugly world; just by keeping up that pursuit, you're not letting go of hope.

No mention of dental plans, though.

(Also, there's a beautiful score by Mafk Knopfler, although it can't quite match his masterful earlier work on LOCAL HERO – the theme from which is so good that Newcastle United Football Club run onto the pitch to it,)

Four stars out of five.

Valid use of the word ‘last’? If we’re going to Brooklyn, where are we coming from? Tarlala romances the kind sailor in Manhattan, so in theory she could go back and forth on the Brooklyn Bridge. But chances are she takes the subway.

What would a movie called FIRST EXIT TO BROOKLYN be about?  There is apparently an album by something called The Foetus Symphony Orchestra entitled ‘York (First Exit to Brooklyn)'. So, some kind of concept movie based around that, I guess, like Pink Floyd’s THE WALL or The Who’s TOMMY.

 

Previously:  LAST CALL

Next time:  I STILL KNOW WHAT YOU DIDLAST SUMMER 

Check out my books:  Jonathanlastauthor.com

LAST CALL (2021, Paolo Pilladi)

 

* 

When a death in the family forces a successful dude to return to his old neighbourhood, he can't wait to leave again – until he actually (gasp!) ends up wanting stay.

Starring  Jeremy Piven, Taryn Manning, Zach McGowan, Cathy Moriarty, Jamie Kennedy, Bruce Dern

Written by  Paolo Pilladi, Greg Lingo  

Produced by  DJ Dodd, Rob Simmons, Ante Novakovic, Paolo Pilladi

Duration  102 minutes   

"Stan, you have the undeserved ego of Jeremy Piven!"

– Francine Smith, American Dad

Actors are supposed to be likable. That's the whole idea, right? Their names go above the title and they lure us in to see the film. We want to look at them and listen to them for two hours, to be by their side during a succession of challenging scenarios.

Even the ones who usually play villains are charismatic in a fun, love-to-hate-them kind of way, with an anti-likability that does what it needs to do.

So how the hell do you explain the continuing career of Jeremy Piven? Maybe he's a perfectly nice bloke in real life, who knows. (Although it seems unlikely.) But his onscreen persona can be described with one word: assholish.

Who actually is this guy, anyway? He's mostly known as John Cusack's pal: they starred in 10 movies together; well, Cusack usually starred and let Piven wander into frame to deliver a few lines now and then.

Or maybe that should be former pal. In 2007, Piven implied that they hadn't collaborated since 2003's lesser John Grisham adaptation THE RUNAWAY JURY because his old pal was jealous of his success in Entourage. OK, Piven won a few Emmys for the show, but I mean come on! What kind of conceited narcissist thinks that a fellow actor whose career has seen him work with Rob Reiner, James L Brooks, Cameron Crowe, John Hughes, Herbert Ross, Woody Allen, Alan Parker, Clint Eastwood and Terrence Malick is going to get an attack of the green-eyed monster because you get to say "Hug it out, bitch!" to Kevin Connolly every Sunday night on HBO?

(Plus, although it was hardly Piven's fault, I always resented that as good as he certainly was on Entourage, he stole focus from the equally award-worthy and hilarious Kevin Dillon, who played overshadowed older brother Johnny 'Drama' Chase.)

Here are some examples of Mr Piven's assholish contributions to the silver screen:

– LUCAS (1986): Debuting in this sensitive teen drama, he plays a school bully who manages to be the biggest prick in a film that also stars Charlie Sheen.

– JUDGEMENT NIGHT (1993): Plays a yuppie scumbag who doesn't report his involvement in a hit-and-run, and spends the movie being patronising to the residents of the lower income community he and his pals have brazenly wandered into.

– PCU (1994): Plays the leader of a fraternity who are rebelling against the modern sensibilities of America's most politically correct university.

– HEAT (1995): Plays a dodgy veterinarian who patches up villains like Val Kilmer's character after they've, say, taken a bullet during a daring armed bank robbery in downtown LA. And if you read sequel novel Heat 2, it turns out he didn't bother to do a very good job.

– VERY BAD THINGS (1999): Plays the member of a stag party whose accidental (not that that's an excuse) killing of a prostitute sets all the bad things in motion. Manages to stand out as notably sleazy in a film that can most accurately be described as a sleazefest.

– BLACK HAWK DOWN (2001): Plays the pilot of the first black hawk that goes down. He's hardly culpable (or maybe he is, I can't remember), but the crash does lead to a lot of carnage.

– SNOKIN' ACES (2006): Plays a magician and wannabe gangster who rats out his friends, and whom everybody who isn't in law enforcement wants to see dead (and the cops probably do too, just so they won’t have to listen to any more of his coke-fuelled rants).

– ROCKNROLLA (2008): Plays a smarmy American music exec who gets in hot water with the Cockney mafia because of his connection to a druggie rock star. While wearing a silly hat and a white plastic wristwatch.

– THE GOODS: LIVE FREE, SELL HARD (2009): Director Adam McKay tries to make Piven into the new Will Ferrell. No one swallows it and the experiment is swiftly pulled.

– SPY KIDS: ALL THE TIME IN THE WORLD (2011): Plays the villain. Looks comfortable with the brief.

And, of course, his TV role as super-agent Ari Gold brought him to plaudit-receiving levels of assholism.

Believe it or not, I used to get the same kind of negative vibe from Bradley Cooper, having first encountered him in assholish roles, which included WET HOT AMERICAN SUMMER, WEDDING CRASHERS and THE HANGOVER. But Cooper gradually reinvented himself and is now a thoughtful and compelling actor (not to mention writer/director).

Could it be that Piven has actually done the same, and all I needed to do was give him another chance, this time in one of his rare starring vehicles? Let's find out!

In LAST CALL, J-Piv plays a successful real estate developer (two of his early lines: "I closed two deals before lunch" and "if you need to find me, just email my assistant"  – so, basically Ari Gold in another industry), who moved to The City from The Suburbs and reluctantly saunters back home for his mother's funeral. 

Yes, this is Piven headlining a form of those terrible Hallmark romcoms where the high-flying protagonist (usually a woman) returns to the hometown that they boast about escaping from, only to have their heart melted by the small-town ways they'd told everyone were beneath them. And, of course, they find romance and decide to stay permanently.

All of that happens in LAST CALL. Piven meets up with his former neighbour, played by Taryn Manning, and the sparks fly (or at least they do according to the script -- in reality, the two actors have zero chemistry). And he decides to help his old man keep the family pub in business, finding the kind of satisfaction and meaningfulness that he finally realises his wealth and white-collar existence had been denying him, etc etc.

So, the film is 100% uninspired in both premise and execution. But what about our man?

Well, my opinion remains unchanged. The Piv actually looks pretty bored throughout – at least in Entourage his assholery had some energy to it. Here he just lumbers through endless drinking montages with hammered and aggressive salt-of-the-Earth types who babble the kind of tirades that are hard to tolerate when you too are drunk and totally unbearable when sober, occasionally broken up by appearances by faces Bruce Dern (as a barfly), Cathy Moriarty (as a neighbour with a random accent), Jamie Kennedy (as another barfly) and Jack McGee (as Piven's dad, with an accent that's definitely supposed to be Irish).

For LAST CALL, the filmmakers clearly reslised that directing Piven to be less of an asshole was fruitless. They instead surrounded him with other assholish people to try to make him seem less assholey in comparison. The unfortunate result? One giant asshole-fest.

One star out of five.

Valid use of the word ‘last’?  Well, the drinking never seems to stop, even for licensing laws, so no.

What would a movie called FIRST CALL be about?  A biopic of Alexander Graham Bell, climaxing with him dialling on his new invention for the first time and tensely waiting for the person on the other end to pick up.

Previously:  THE LAST SONG

Next time:  LAST EXIT TO BROOKLYN    

Check out my books:  Jonathanlastauthor.com

THE LAST SONG (2010, Julie Anne Robinson)

 

* * 

A teenaged musical prodigy has fallen out with her Dad/mentor and in to petty crime. Can she rediscover herself and find true love over one life-changing summer?

Starring  Miley Cyrus, Liam Hemsworth, Bobby Coleman, Kelly Preston, Greg Kinnear

Written by  Nicholas Sparks, Jeff Van Wie

Produced by  Adam Shankman, Jennifer Gibgot

Duration  107 minutes

Presenting THE LAST SONG: myths vs reality.

Myth: The couples in movies adapted from Nicholas Sparks novels are not together in real life.

Reality: Liam Hemsworth and Miley Cyrus began a relationship during the filming of THE LAST SONG, and were then on-again-off-again before getting married in 2018. Sadly, that turned out to be the beginning of the end, instead of a Sparks-style happily ever after, and they signed divorce papers in 2020.

Meanwhile, Canadian royalty Ryan Gosling and Rachel McAdams fell in love on the set of Sparks urtext THE NOTEBOOK (2004), as did Zac Efron and Taylor Schilling while filming THE LUCKY ONE (2012).

Myth: These Nicholas Sparks stories are all the same.

Reality: I've never read a Nicholas Sparks book and can't envision a scenario in which I would. This is only the second of the movie adaptations I've seen, having watched THE NOTEBOOK with an ex-girlfriend (guess whose choice it was on that movie night).

The Sparks properties certainly look identical, if you judge by the posters: young man, young woman, facing each other in a loving embrace or near-embrace, possibly with a sun setting in the background. But I'm sure across however many there have been there's at least some variety in ... holy crap, the guy's had 12 novels adapted for the screen! He's like the 21st Century's John Grisham, only with fewer courtrooms and far more staring dolefully into each other's eyes.

Myth: A wayward kid coming to a new town is an original setup for a coming of age story.

Reality: I thought at first that the relocation scenario in this movie was a permanent one, a la Daniel LaRusso moving to California from New Jersey in THE KARATE KID. But actually in THE LAST SONG the mum is just bringing these city kids to spend summer at the coast with their dad, many years since divorced.

There's talk in the car of how Miley's character Ronnie was arrested for shoplifting, and she then refuses to embrace or even talk to the old man upon arriving at his beach house. There's resentment simmering there, I tells ya.

She's troubled, but also talented, recently getting into Juliard with no audition. "They've been watching her for years," apparently. (Bit creepy.) But she now doesn't play anymore – and her dad is a former concert pianist, to boot.

Ronnie's kind of a goth; no black makeup or piercings, but she definitely had the sour face and dark clothing.

The obligatory meet-cute, meanwhile, goes for the NOTTING HILL collision-with-spilled-drink approach, this time on the beach with added humiliation in front of a crowd and the male minus his shirt (that'd be Hemsworth).

Myth: Liam is the most obscure of the Hemsworth siblings.

Reality: When compared to older brother Chris, of course he is. Liam's THE EXPENDABLES 2, the HUNGER GAMES series and, er, INDEPENDENCE DAY: RESURGENCE are no match for Chris having been a central figure in the whole Marvel thing, not to mention working with Michael Mann (BLACKHAT) and Ron Howard (RUSH, IN THE HEART OF THE SEA) and getting his own action franchise with Netflix's EXTRACTION.

(Liam actually tested for the role of Thor before losing it to Chris, and had to then watch his bro's career skyrocket. Bet Christmas dinner was fun that year!)

But actually, there is a third acting Hemsworth: oldest brother Luke, best (only?) known for confusing sci-fi saga Westworld. Sorry, Luke – you probably got the biggest bedroom growing up, if that's any consolation.

Myth: Star vehicles that try to make actors out of singers are never a good idea.

Reality: Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes they end up as legit actors, sometimes it remains a one-off gimmick. For every Lady Gaga or Ice Cube, there's a Britney Spears or an Eminem who never really make the transition.

And then there are people like Justin Timberlake and Mandy Moore who seem to straddle both disciplines equally. I guess you would put Miley Cyrus into that category, even if the acting has been a little thin on the ground recently.

Myth: Art doesn't imitate life in the plot of THE LAST SONG.

Reality: I mean, there's the musical stuff, of course, and like Ronnie, Miley has a musician Dad (I've only ever heard that 'Achy Breaky Heart' song, but apparently Billy Ray Cyrus was a pretty big deal at one point). Plus Miley had her own rebellious period: that whole 'Wreaking Ball', sticking her tongue out at every opportunity phase.

Must have been almost as much of a struggle for her to get into character as it was for Marshall Mathers in 8 MILE.

 

Myth: A screenplay comes after the novel and never before.

Realty: This is a rare example of the film being written before the book, Sparks himself getting co-screen credit with Jeff Van Wie. See also LOVE STORY, CASINO and DANCES WITH WOLVES.

Not to be confused with those movie novelisations that were popular in the '80s and '90s – such as ones by titan of the form Dennis Etchison, under the psydenom 'Jack Martin', which included HALLOWEEN II, HALLOWEEN III: SEASON OF THE WITCH and VIDEODROME.

Myth: Not every now-famous Australian actor appeared in either Neighbours or Home and Away.

Reality: True, but there was Margot Robbie, Guy Pearce, Russell Crowe, Radha Mitchell, Alan Dale and Holly Valance (Neighbours); as well as Heath Ledger, Isla Fisher, Melissa George, Julian McMahon, Guy Pearce (again) and Samara Weaving (Home and Away).

As for the Hemsworth boys, their scores are Neighbours: Chris and Luke; both Home and Away and Neighbours: Liam.

Meanwhile, Ms Cyrus is part of a similar trend: former Disney Channel stars. For her Hannah Montana, also see Zendaya (Shake It Up), Hilary Duff (Lizzie McGuire), Demi Lovato (Sonny with a Chance), Selena Gomez (Wizards of Waverly Place), Vanessa Hudgens (High School Musical) and Lord knows how many others.

Suffice it to say, I'd barely ever heard of those shows, never mind sat through an actual episode. But I did use to watch Neighbours every weekday, until graduation and full-time employment made that impractical.

Myth: THE LAST SONG is a pretty by-the-numbers teen romance that passes the time if you like that sort of thing, but is going to be a bit of a slog to get through if you don't.

Reality: Yeah, that's basically spot-on.

Two stars out of five.

Valid use of the word ‘last’?  There is a last song, but it isn't going to be the last one for our troubled teen. Should have gone for that indefinite article, guys.

What would a movie called THE FIRST SONG be about?  "The 'Hurrian Hymn' is the earliest known song to be recorded in writing, dating to around the 13th Century. The text of this hymn is concerned with the promotion of fertility. It refers to the making of offerings and libations to the moon goddess, Nikkal." So says The Institute for the Study of the Ancient World.

 

Previously:  WRONG TURN 6: LAST RESORT

Next time:  LAST CALL

Check out my books:  Jonathanlastauthor.com