LAST OF THE GRADS (2021, Jay Jenkins, Collin Kliewe)

 

* 

It's the last day of school. And it could also be the last day ... of their lives.

Starring  Jessica Lang, Sara Eklund, Jadon Cal, Jim Fitzpatrick, Ethan Rich

Written by  Jay Jenkins, Collin Kliewe

Produced by  Jay Jenkins, Collin Kliewe, David Prue

Duration   113 minutes

Here's one of those notorious Hollywood stories. Might be true, might be bullshit. The fact that it comes from a famously subversive comedian does make you sceptical; but then again, it could be crazy enough to be true.

So, Bill Murray voices Garfield in GARFIELD: THE MOVIE (2004). It's a career choice he says he regrets during his cameo as himself in ZOMBIELAND (2013).

A year later, The New York Post reported Murray revealing why he chose to lend his vocal talents to the fat orange cat. His reason? He thought he was signing on to star in a movie written by one of the Coen brothers. He only realised he was mistaken after it was too late. You see, it was actually Joel Cohen, with an 'H', who had a hand in GARFIELD's script. The writer of, er, MONSTER MASH: THE MOVIE and MONEY TALKS, not the one who came up with RAISING ARIZONA and BARTON FINK.

All right, so now I'd like you to imagine something. You're a plucky young filmmaker. You have written a screenplay called LAST OF THE GRADS. You want to secure funding to direct it, and you know this will be easier with acting talent attached. You already have popular YouTuber 'Cr1TiKaL' in a small role, so that's the young demographic sorted.

But you want to cover all your bases. It's a competitive marketplace out there, you need someone from the other end of the appeal scale. An older star; Hollywood royalty. Your script is for a throwback slasher ... didn’t Jamie Lee Curtis successfully turn up again in the 2018 HALLOWEEN revival? OK, hiring an older female star doesn't always work, but surely it's worth a try?

Then, you notice the name of one of the actresses auditioning for LAST OF THE GRADS. And it gives you an idea. What about saying that you have cast Jessica Lange? Which would be close to the truth; hopefully close enough to get away with. 

Because instead of the Oscar-winning star of THE POSTMAN ALWAYS RINGS TWICE, TOOTISE and CAPE FEAR, you actually have Jessica Lang, who was in, um, LITTLE SISTER, TWISTED REVERIE and DARK ECHOS. But by the time anyone realises, it'll be too late!

This latter story is one that I definitely made up. But it does beg the question of what exactly young Miss Lang, the eventual lead in LAST OF THE GRADS, is trying to pull.

No member of the guilds that represent actors in the UK (Equity) or US (SAG-AFTRA) is allowed to have an identical working name to any another. You may in fact not be aware that there's a Billy Murray out there, most famous for nine years playing DS Don Beech in British cop show The Bill. 

I couldn't find much online about the young lady in question here, but surely there are only two possibilities: 

a) she was born Jessica Lang, was permitted to use that name despite the similarity to an existing actress, and she doesn't mind the potential confusion; or 

b) she was christened something else and decided to choose Jessica Lang as her stage name, presumably with the intention of encouraging confusion.

Which one is it? Will we ever know? It's certainly not as clear cut as with someone like James Deen, the porn star who was in that Bret Easton Ellis/Paul Schrader/Lindsay Lohan joint THE CANYONS in 2013.

So it's with this maddening uncertainty left unresolved that we move onto LAST OF THE GRADS itself. 

Here we have the kind of retro slasher that could have been made 40 years ago. It's of the school-set breed, joining the ranks of BLACK CHRISTMAS (1974), PROM NIGHT (1980), FINAL EXAM (1981), STUDENT BODIES (1981), RETURN TO HORROR HIGH (1987), CUTTING CLASS (1989), CHILD'S PLAY 3 (1991), and so on.

Like many a slasher, it starts with backstory. In this case far too much backstory, and with expositional voiceover to boot. It sets up two outcast teenage boys as a pair of killers. They're like a less-convincing version of those preppy lads from FUNNY GAMES and its remake, in which they're played by Michael Pitt and future BRUTALIST director Brady Corbet.

The boys' cross-country killing spree, reported during the opening credits in fake-looking newscasts, earns them the collective nickname the Coast-to-Coast Killer. But no one knows who they are, or if they even exist and aren't just an urban legend. 

And then finally, we settle in on the final day at a high school, where the youngsters are preparing to graduate. Featuring is the usual soap opera stuff: unrequited love; jocks off on football scholarships; promises to stay in touch after summer; yearbooks being signed.

Meanwhile, the local cops suspect that their sleepy town could be the next target for the killers, because ... I didn't quite get that part. But anyway, they of course turn out to be right.

From then on, LAST OF THE GRADS plays out exactly how you'd expect. Are there any surprises? No. Is it derivative, awkwardly acted, tediously scripted, cheesily scored, lacking in suspense and without any decent kills? Yes. 

Do I recommend it?

Let's just say I'm as likely to do that as I am to believe someone could mistake 20-something Jessica Lang for 70-something Jessica Lange. Or, for that matter, that an A-list actor would sign on for a talking cat movie believing that it's from the writer of FARGO and THE BIG LEBOWSKI. And then to go on to star in its sequel, too (GARFIELD 2: A TALE OF TWO KITTIES).

One star out of five.

 

 

Valid use of the word ‘last’?  Some live, some die. So ... yes, somewhat.

What would a movie called FIRST OF THE GRADS be about?  I guess if they give out the scrolls in alphabetical order, it would be about a bloke called Aaron A Aaronson.

Previously:  THE LAST TIME I COMMITTED SUICIDE

Next time:  EVERY LAST ONE OF THEM

Check out my books:  Jonathanlastauthor.com

THE LAST TIME I COMMITTED SUICIDE (1997, Stephen T Kay)

 

* * 

The rambling tale of one man's ramblings, in a movie that strains desperately to make us care. 

Starring  Thomas Jane, Keanu Reeves, Adrien Brody, John Doe, Claire Forlani

Written by  Stephen T Kay

Produced by  Edward Bates, Louise Rosner   

Duration  92 minutes   

Famously, we're told never to judge a book by its cover. So, I suppose we shouldn't judge a film by its title, either. But when that title is as distinctive as THE LAST TIME I COMMITTED SUICIDE, it's kind of hard not to.

It's a title that suggests a movie that will deal with controversial subject matter in a quirky way. FOUR LIONS (2010) is, I would say, the all-timer example of this. Suicide-bomber comedy is not likely to ever be a category on Netflix, but director Chris Morris manages to pull off the headline-baiting premise, while making a star out of Riz Ahmed along the way.

CITIZEN RUTH (1996) is another one. Alexander Payne made his debut with a black comedy that puts Laura Dern's pregnant and dim-witted title character at the centre of the highly combustible abortion debate. Oh, and there was "shit, dude, I've got cancer!" movie 50/50 (2011), from that period when Joseph Gordon Levitt was starring in comedy pictures with Seth Rogan.

I reckon the best scenario for THE LAST TIME I COMMITTED SUICIDE would've been if it turned out to be a mid-90s version of the 1985 teen suicide comedy BETTER OFF DEAD, with Keanu Reeves taking over from John Cusack. Instead of trying to hang himself in his parent's garage, it could be Keanu, dressed in John Wickian suit, comically trying and repeatedly failing to shoot himself in the head with one of his many guns. Or dressing up as Neo from THE MATRIX, proclaiming "I need an exit!" and then jumping off a bridge. Um, anyway, more on Mr Reeves later.

What we actually got with this movie sadly turned out to be something pretty terrible.

OK, perhaps that's a little strong. But there's no escaping that upon on actually watching THE LAST TIME I COMMITTED SUICIDE, my first impression was bad and things only got worse from there. And it was nothing to do with how the movie deals with sensitive issues. The next few paragraphs recount my first impressions in a kind of stream of consciousness – a jazzy riff, if you will.

So, what do we have here. Thomas Jane is wandering around his apartment mumbling to himself, with black and white photography and an excruciating jazz score. Man, I hate jazz. Jane sounds like he's running lines or something? Is he an actor? Then he sits down at his typewriter and types something. So, a writer.

OK, so now it's settled into colour. Jane is waiting to be let in somewhere, holding flowers. He starts the scene with a voiceover, it sounds like maybe he's reciting poetry? No, he's talking about the young woman he's visiting in what turns out to be a hospital, after some unspoken incident, an accident we assume.

The early scenes trickle by in kind of a mannered, wannabe Coen brothers style. Jane is pretty manic. In what is presumably a flashback, he comes to his girlfriend's office to take her out for lunch – "But it's 4pm!" she protests. He answers her phone for her, dances with the coat rack, affects a British accent, that sort of thing. Crazy guy; what I mean is, annoying.

There's a kind of retro feel, too: the ever-present annoying jazz, how everyone seems to use typewriters, not just him, it doesn't seem to be an eccentricity.

Wait, is this one of those beat poet things? I tried to read On the Road once and didn't make it very far. Too loose and dull and directionless.

Yes, it turns out the script was based on a 1950 letter written by Neal Cassady to Jack Kerouac. Who the hell was Neal Cassady? I'd never heard of the bloke but, according to Wikipedia, he was "a major figure of the Beat Generation of the 1950s and the psychedelic and counterculture movements of the 1960s". The reason he was obscure to me was that "he published only two short fragments of prose in his lifetime, but exerted considerable intellectual and stylistic influence through his conversation and correspondence."

This movie is apparently based on some of that correspondence. Boy, those must have been some long letters. Thousands of words, apparently. So that makes this movie less like adapting a tax rebate from HMRC and more tackling a short story.

(Oh wait, the girlfriend, it wasn't an accident – I get it now! It was a suicide attempt, hence the title of the movie. Can't say I blame her, going out with this tool.)

The only thing to have come out of this beat generation business that does anything for me is David Cronenberg’s NAKED LUNCH. Actually, I remember going on to read William Burroughs' source novel, then possibly Junk as well, if I recall. Those were OK; totally bonkers, but interesting and lively.

But still, this kind of all-over-the-place, jittery, motormouth vibe is too much for me. THE LAST TIME I COMMITTED SUICIDE embraces this approach wholeheartedly, with the camera spinning around like it's manned by a hyperactive child, editing stuffed with jump cuts back and forth in time, and yet more of that bloody awful jazz. And Jane's performance: cigarette always in hand, talking to himself, reciting things he's hoping to write (but I guess never does?), absorbed in how witty, urbane and original he believes himself to be.

And the final thing that put me off was that this Neal Cassidy abandons his girlfriend in the hospital to go joyriding with a co-starring Keanu, Amy Smart and some other girl of high school age. Not cool, daddio ... or sport, or whatever it was these beat generation types called each other. 

That's about all I have to say about THE LAST TIME I COMMITTED SUICIDE. Just a few closing words now about two actors.

Adrien Brody wanders into the film at one point, presumably around the time he was auditioning for THE THIN RED LINE. And I started wishing I was watching that movie instead. Wait a sec, Jane was in THIN RED LINE, too! They probably ran through scenes together. And then, after it came out, consoled each other over shots of bourbon in a grimy bar, complaining about how they both ended up with less screen time than some limey who only lasted one season in the British sitcom Game On.

And what of Mr Reeves in this movie? Sad to say, but he sticks out, like he always does. He pops up as Neal's pool-playing pal and joins him in drinking and talking, then pausing to have another drink before talking some more.

Look, there's no doubts about Keanu being A Really Nice Guy. After all, everyone knows he lives out of a suitcase and donates all of his acting royalties to charity (citation needed).

But it's always him in a movie, no matter who he is ostensibly playing. In MUCH ADO ABOUT NOTHING, he's Keanu doing school play Shakespeare. In BRAM STOKER'S DRACULA, he's Keanu with a wobbly English accent. And in this, he's Keanu in the 1950s, yet still sounding like a laidback surfer dude.

But despite that, I was glad to see him. He at least made this dross tolerable. Just about.

Two stars out of five. 

 

Valid use of the word ‘last’?  I think Jane actually uses this oh-so-amusing phrase at one point? It was hard to pick up among the rest of the never-ending voiceover.

What would a movie called THE FIRST TIME I COMMITTED SUICIDE be like?  There would be less rambling, you'd expect, and hopefully no jazz. Unless they played it at the damned funeral.

 

Previously:  THE LAST BUS

Next time:  LAST OF THE GRADS

Check out my books:  Jonathanlastauthor.com

THE LAST BUS (2021, Gillies MacKinnon)

 

* * * 

An old guy decides to travel from one end of the UK to the other by bus.

Starring  Timothy Spall, Phyllis Logan, Natalie Mitson, Ben Ewing

Written by  Joe Ainsworth

Produced by  Roy Boulter, Sol Papadopoulos

Duration  88 minutes 

"Since when did they start charging for the bus? Didn't we used to ride that shit to school every morning for free?"

– Jay, JAY AND SILENT BOB STRIKE BACK

Public transport and the glamour of movies. The two don't tend to mix.

That applies especially to buses. To use the bus is seen as a defeat, a symbol of shamefully low status. The most common onscreen utterance is some variation of "Don't take the smelly old bus!"

Buses don't ever feature in any positive or aspirational way. SPEED (1994) is the most famous example of making a bus central to the plot, but there's nothing desirable about taking the number 33 to Santa Monica. Sandra Bullock's character is only tolerating the journey because of a driving ban ("I like my car, I miss my car"). And a bus is only one of three places Dennis Hopper puts his bombs: it's a lift first, then the bus, then finally a train.

Beyond SPEED? Randomly, the year 2010 featured two movies with bus-riding protagonists, neither of whom are conventionally heroic. Michael Cera's Scott Pilgrim from SCOTT PILGRIM VS THE WORLD is an unlucky-in-love geek, whereas Roger Greenberg in GREENBERG (Ben Stiller) irritates everyone he meets.

Er, what else ... STAR TREK IV: THE VOYAGE HOME (1986)? That bit with Spock and the punk's boombox?

Trains generally get better treatment. THE TAKING OF PELHAM 123 (1974) is a love letter to the New York subway. Liam Nesson foils a conspiracy on his train home in THE COMMUTER (2018). Tony Scott wringed rail-based thrills out of the PELHAM remake (2009) and, in his final film, UNSTOPPABLE (2010). Oh, then there are BULLET TRAIN (2022) and SNOWPIERCER (2013), movies that apparently some people like (but not me).

Cars, of course, are regularly fawned over in films. You can even get labelled an actual hero for racing around in one at dangerous speeds. But I'd say that among public transport, only the aeroplane regularly gets a good rap. Probably because it's the one thing that can handle journeys impossible by car.

So, traveling by bus is something that should only be endured in extreme circumstances. And yet in THE LAST BUS, we follow a person who voluntarily elects to use several of the things. What gives?

We open in 1952 with a young couple. The woman is unhappy and wants to move "as far as possible" away from their home in Land's End, Cornwall. As anyone who resides in the British Isles knows, they're already at one end of the country. The furthest they can go without crossing a body of water is northeast to John O' Groats, up in Scotland.

We then cut to that particular Scottish village, now in the present day. Same couple, except much older. Within minutes of screen time, she (Phyllis Logan) has sadly died of cancer. He, Tom (Timothy Spall), then decides to make the trip back to their old house in Cornwall. He concludes that the most practical way of doing this, owing to his advanced age and lack of car, will be by bus. (Not just one single bus, you understand. I did that once from London to Edinburgh, for only £5, non-stop. That was eight hours of pure fun, I can tell you.)

So Tom slowly makes his way southwest through the UK, bus by bus, meeting a range of characters as he goes. There's the disillusioned young lad who wants to join the army and is interested in Tom's WWII experiences. There's the Land Rover driver who needs a hand with his engine. There's the racist white man hassling a Muslim mother who Tom stands up to. There's the rowdy football fans, cartoonishly depicted in full colours, whose clash with a hen do is subdued by Tom singing 'Amazing Grace' with a local tramp.

Now, during many of these colourful incidents, where Tom intervenes to help turn a bad situation around, people pop up with their mobiles and film him in action. Then we see them tagging him on some kind of social media app. Hmm, wonder if that will come up again later.

We find out that, like his late wife, Tom has inoperable cancer. With not long left, he's doubly determined to complete his odyssey. And that's no matter how many bureaucratic bus drivers tell him his OAP pass isn't valid for this route; or how blown about by the wind he gets at a rural bus stop; or how many times he ends up in hospital with minor injuries. Plus he gets very defensive if anyone touches the old brown suitcase he lugs around with him, even if it's just a couple of kids at a Ukrainian family party he ends up getting invited to.

And, yes indeed, Tom has become a social media sensation, with people recognising him and offering to pay his bus fares. A cheering crowd greets him at his final destination, where the ultimate purpose of this cross-country exodus is revealed: that closely guarded suitcase contains his late wife's ashes, which he wants to scatter into the sea at the place they first met. Which he does, in a scene that plays like the non-comedic version of The Dude emptying the coffee can of Donnie's remains at the end of THE BIG LEBOWSKI. Tom also visits the grave of their daughter, whose death in infancy was the tragedy that spurred the couple to move so far away, all those years ago.

So, look. This is a performance film. It's an acting showcase for Mr Spall. That's all that really matters. And of course he delivers: lower lip protruding, mumbling to himself, all strong stuff. It's a sentimental film, it's a gentle film, it's a slight film. But, just like taking the bus, there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.

Plus, it's better than THE LAST JOURNEY, although roughly on par with LAST PASSENGER.

Three stars out of five.

Valid use of the word ‘last’?  The last bus Tom takes will indeed be the last one he’ll ever take.

What would a movie called THE FIRST BUS be like?  More than 20% of the UK is covered by a bus operator called First Bus. But what happens when a conspiracy is uncovered by one enterprising driver, which goes all the way to the very top ... etc.

Previously:  UNDISPUTED 2: LAST MAN STANDING

Next time:  THE LAST TIME I COMMITTED SUICIDE  

Check out my books:  Jonathanlastauthor.com

UNDISPUTED 2: LAST MAN STANDING (2006, Isaac Florentine)

* * * 

A professional boxer and former felon thinks he's done fighting in illegal prison tournaments. The Russian mob has other ideas.

Starring  Michael Jai White, Scott Adkins, Ben Cross, Eli Danker, Mark Ivanir, Ken Lerner

Written by  James Townsend, David N White   

Produced by  Boaz Davidson, David Varod, Danny Dimbort   

Duration  94 minutes   

 

When it comes to action movies, I have a secret shame. A shame that causes me no little anguish.

A little background. Growing up, it was all Arnie. COMMANDO, THE TERMINATOR(S), PREDATOR, TOTAL RECALL. And to a lesser extent, LAST ACTION HERO and THE RUNNING MAN. Although not RAW DEAL, never that one. (Does anyone out there actually like RAW DEAL?)

Later, I started to warm up to Stallone, as well: FIRST BLOOD, TANGO & CASH, DEMOLITION MAN and (especially) CLIFFHANGER. I would also come to respect how he could write and direct, too.

Between those two titans, there was always a smattering of Willis, Van-Damme, Lundgren and Seagal in between.

But as the 1990s drew to a close, so did the box office dominance of these muscle men. I consider FACE/OFF (1997) to be the last great 'classic' studio action picture. BLADE made a solid impression a year later, but showed worrying signs of ushering in the superhero apocalypse that was to come. Then the most overrated movie of the 20th Century, THE MATRIX, hit big in 1999, ensuring that nerds' fantasies of breaking free from drudgery to wear costumes and wield special powers would dominate action cinema for the next 25 years.

So, the age of the R-rated/18-certificate action movie was over. I gritted my teeth as the appeal grew broader, CGI started to dominate, and the mayhem got watered down. Adapting from source material for people who still need their books to have pictures became the norm. A little part of me died; I mourned by keeping my physical media collection, and keeping it close.

This is the source of my shame. That I gave up. That I rolled over like a cowardly henchman in the final stretch, when he realises he that he has no chance against the hero.

And yet, it wasn't over. Not really. Like a tournament in a JCVD movie, the action scene merely went underground. It just carried on in the direct-to-video market, which is still flourishing today. (The term 'DTV' endures, even if we've long moved past going direct to video or even DVD and into the age of streaming.)

The budgets went down. The aging stars adjusted. New icons emerged. The quality may be patchy, but no more than it ever was.

Diving into the DTV action pool is well overdue for me – although, in my defense, I did recently check out the rightly lauded latter-day UNIVERSAL SOLDIER sequels, REGENERATION and DAY OF RECKONING. 

And handily, the players involved with UNDISPUTED 2: LAST MAN STANDING happen to make it a pretty good DTV action primer. For starters, director Isaac Florentine (NINJA, ACTS OF VENGEANCE) is one of the sub-genre's leading helmers. Star Michael Jai White (SPAWN, EXIT WOUNDS), meanwhile, is a charismatic leading man – and if you've never seen his hilarious BLACK DYNAMITE, please do. 

But as well as those two, UNDISPUTED 2 features Birmingham-born Scott Adkins (ACCIDENT MAN, CLOSE RANGE). He's the poster boy of DTV action, as well as occasionally dipping his lethal toe into Hollywood's waters: THE EXPENDABLES 2, ZERO DARK THIRTY, JOHN WICK: CHAPTER 4.

So, watching UNDISPUTED 2: LAST MAN STANDING, then. First thing to note is that it's not to be confused with this movie. The director of that, Walter Hill, actually helmed the first UNDISPUTED, as well as middling Arnie vehicle RED HEAT. Do try to keep up at the back.

Anyway, Michael Jai White plays George Chambers, a boxer who, as played by Ving Rhames in UNDISPUTED 1, won a prison boxing tournament and was then released. We catch up with him as he's trying to get his professional punching people career back on track. Currently, he's touring Russia, while doing a Bill Murray in LOST IN TRANSLATION on the side: hawking booze in cheesy commercials.

This film is set in a world in which the mega-rich elite watch privately televised mixed martial arts fights between hardened cons, broadcast straight from the prison and run by the Russian mob. Currently, this pseudo-sport is dominated by Atkins' character. He enters the ring like a celebrity: hood up, the crowd chanting his name: "Boyka! Boyka! Boyka!" There may as well have been entry music.

Since Boyka tends to obliterate any mug foolish enough to touch gloves with him, no one is bothering to bet anymore. The mob's solution? Frame former champ and Mike Tyson-substitute Chambers for cocaine trafficking and throw him in the same slammer, putting him on a collision course with the mighty Boyka.

Look, I'm going to be honest. Boxing has never done much for me. Mostly over in a couple of rounds, primarily two fighters grappling up close and rarely landing any blows. And yet it's surrounded by immense hype, the fighters slag each other off in the press, etc.

MMA, however, I think I could get into. All I've seen of it comes from the movies, but it seems a lot more dynamic: spinning kicks, throws, exotic combos. And that's certainly what we get here. Florentine shoots the bouts with intensity, keeping both fighters in frame most of the time, giving a good sense of where they are in relation to each other. But also going in tight for some brutal close-ups and sprinkling a little slo-mo here and there. Plenty of blood flying out, bones breaking. Lovely.

UNDISPUTED 2 is not only an unlikely sequel – the Hill-directed original hardly set the world alight – but it also birthed a further two instalments. Both of which featuring Boyka as the hero

That Adkins, I'm telling ya. The hardest man to ever come out of the Midlands. Our beloved action genre is in good, sweaty, blood-caked hands. Long may it continue, and shame be damned. Everybody: "Boyka! Boyka! Boyka!"

Three stars out of five.

 

 

Valid use of the word ‘last’?  If you lose one of these fights, you are not the one who remains vertical. So, yeah, I'd say so.

What would FIRST MAN STANDING be like?  A tournament film focusing on a fan who is always the first to get off his feet and start applauding during the fights.

 

Previously:  THE LAST KISS

Next time:  THE LAST BUS

Check out my books:  Jonathanlastauthor.com